Age Differences

Lifestyle Relationships
61

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by CurruptAngel: *
I think those women who are not so confident about making decisions about their life go for guys who are 10 years older than them....I don't see how a 20 year old woman's mind can match with a 30 year old. Some of my friends were married off with guys 8-10 years older but they aren't really happy.

I don't agree with those people who say desi women get old earlier than men. Maybe it was true in the 20th century but now desi women do take care of themselves MORE than men and they look younger. Those who end up with men 10 years older than them make ODD couples. Really. They just don't make any sense!
[/QUOTE]

You are probably talking about men who say that they are thirty five when they are really forty five married to girls twenty years younger.... now they do make ODD couples but there is no way on earth that you might say that they are unhappy because of it.... I have seen a good few odd couples in very satisfied and happy relationships.

And again.... it is a common occourance at least in pakistan that people get married to ten years older men... and loads of them are living happily.... even if some might not be happy.

It simply takes a certain level of maturity, pliancy, compromise, respect and chemistry ( and love) to keep a relationship on track, no matter how old the parteners are.

Now check with these friends of yours again .... and ask them specifically if their hubbies are impotent... that will give us all some more food for thought.

62

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Madhanee: *
HMCQ, do the math again.

Your whole argument was based on marrying younger girls, where does the desi-nondesi thing come from?

Ask yourself this. Would you prefer to marry someone your own age, or someone younger, or someone older? See where your preference lies (don’t kid yourself when answering this). I don’t have a problem with you marrying anyone, I am just trying to present my view.

Haha Romeo...very well put.
[/QUOTE]

My very initial question was based in a desi setting. And as to your question, it does not matter to me, whether the person is older or younger, but I do know it matters to my family.. Which was why I raised the first question in the first place.

Roman -- Indeed quite true....I would not be surprised as well either.

63

of course its the family, as long as I love them.

64

well…i’ve been debating whether to get involved in this forum or not…n obviously i decided to post…

I give u my situation…

I am 17 years old from a well educated and well-to-do family…I’m financially independant (well sorta, i make money but i save it n spend my parents money instead)..I go to school…I live with my cousins and not in my parents house(I wanted to be on my own for a while) but we are still extremely close…AND I’m engaged to a 25 year old surgical resident who lives in NY…now he’s almost 8 years older than me..of course we won’t get married for another 3-4 years…the age is rele not that big of a factor tho..

Now i’m curious…do u ppl actually believe that i am desparate…because just the thought of that rele makes me wanna laugh :hehe:..u guys just presume that younger girls cannot hold a conversation with older men…well, thats rele not the case for the most part…

65

I can hold a conversation with people older than me, hell I can even talk most dumb asses in that age group down, however the point is would you be able to spend the rest of your life with someone who has been brought in in a whole different decade to yourself
ie when you were eight and dreaming of dolls, he was 16 and dreaming of "dolls". You grew up with Backstreet boys and he with Nirvana.

It seems a little miss matched to me, would you see him as an equal (a pre-requisit for marital bliss) or would you look up to him and treat him more like a father figure?
Now, you can do whatever works for you but the question arises as to why the guy couldn't find anyone his own age.
Is he too immature to spend the rest of his life with an equal?
By the time you aer 20 he will be 28. and when you are 22 he'll be 30...
thats a big fat number. And when you'll be 25 and in your prime, he'll be edging towards middle-age.....

I am not saying that huge age gaps don't work
(hey my parents have an age gap of 20 odd yrs) I am just wondering wheither it'd be the ideal partnership. Would you be able to immediately "click"? On an emotional and phychological level? His life experiance will be greater than yours, do you want someone you can learn with or from?

Good luck with your future and I'm sure you'll be happy togeather, but personally its not the way to go.

66

I prefer an age difference because i’ve never rele got along with ppl my own age…all my friends are older than me (my best friend is 23)..n it was just obvious to me that when i would get married it would be to someone older…
I am going into this relationship looking at him as an equal… definitely not a father figure…yes..i will have more respect for him because he is older but truth be told..if i was to get married to someone my age..the poor man would live under my foot..at least since he is older…i will expect him to hold his own which I think is a good thing…

I think respect is also an important thing for marital bliss…each partner has to respect the other

As for the qualm about him not finding someone his own age…well he’s a doctor…the time he should have been finding girls..he was busy with med school and then residency n well now that he’s almost done with his residency he HAS found a girl…ME!
And why do u assume that he’s immature…could it possibly be that i am more mature than most females my age…

Now..if ur parents have that much of an age gap…let me ask one question..do u believe that ur parents marriage was successful or maybe u have seen some problems which could be attributed to the age difference…is this why u have a problem with marriages with a bigger age difference

I think as one gets older…the age gap’s significance seems to diminish…if u heard of a 45 year old man marrying a 37yr old female would u think that they were mismatched…i doubt it..however when u look at it..its the same scenario, born in different decades and well all that u mentioned…
So..in the same way..as I get older..i rele dont think i will be worrying that my husband is too old..

We have “clicked” or at least as much two ppl can before they are married…we rele get along very well…i do expect to learn from some of his experiences but that does not mean that we wont be living out experiences together as well…

Thanx for ur well wishes :flower1:

67

Like I said. whatever works for you. Ever read "little women"? In the second book Jo March marries an older german dude, I ripped the book to bits.
Now, your questions in relation to my parents marrage was expected. And I don't feel obligated to answer, I will however say that, that marrage was special in reguards to it's circumstances.

I too get along with people older than me, however I still see myslef as a kid and know for a fact tat i am still growing and changing as a human being. The woman I am today is not the woman I will be five years down the line. I intend to grow and find myslef before I even decide upon who I intend to settle down with. Your fiancee has done that, he is now an adult. No offence to you sweety but you are still a child.
Of course as you are only engaged it gives you an out just incase things don't work out in three years time......but still do you not feel it would have been more wise to delay the engagement for a few more years yet?
I can see how this may be the best thing for you ni your eyes, but once again, its not the way for me to go, from a future relationship I'd be growing to have life experiances WITH my partner and having the same dreams and hopes. I don't think this is fully possible with someone a generation older.

68

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by hiccup: *
Like I said. whatever works for you. Ever read "little women"? In the second book Jo March marries an older german dude, I ripped the book to bits.
Now, your questions in relation to my parents marrage was expected. And I don't feel obligated to answer, I will however say that, that marrage was special in reguards to it's circumstances.

I too get along with people older than me, however I still see myslef as a kid and know for a fact tat i am still growing and changing as a human being. The woman I am today is not the woman I will be five years down the line. I intend to grow and find myslef before I even decide upon who I intend to settle down with. Your fiancee has done that, he is now an adult. No offence to you sweety but you are still a child.
Of course as you are only engaged it gives you an out just incase things don't work out in three years time......but still do you not feel it would have been more wise to delay the engagement for a few more years yet?
I can see how this may be the best thing for you ni your eyes, but once again, its not the way for me to go, from a future relationship I'd be growing to have life experiances WITH my partner and having the same dreams and hopes. I don't think this is fully possible with someone a generation older.
[/QUOTE]

To each his/her own...i'm happy with my decisions..if the time comes that i feel i need to rethink them then it is to be worried about then...

Oh n yes..i have read "little women"...but it was a while ago so i dont rele remember much...my example of marrying an older guy would prolly be more in tune with "gone with the wind"...scarlett thinks she's in love with ashley(whos prete close to her own age) but eventually discovers that rhett(who is much older) is much better suited for her...

69

LIke I said, I ripped up the book.
But seriously don’t mean to seem “against” your decisions or anything. I am just airing my opinion.
:flower1:

70

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by super_ego: *
And what about all the Mills and Boons romances published in the west.... stereotypically fantacising a thirtynine years old man falling for a twenty one years old chick.

Now that is not merely a stray thought. It is appaently a common fantacy... or isn't it??????
[/QUOTE]

if it is a common fantasy then it must be women's, because mills and boons books are targetted towards women. so in essence are you saying that women like older men? I would say not older..but powerful or successful men, and there are not too many successful men aged 21.

71

Roman you make a lot of sense when you say that the girls do have choices and do not go for guys in their age categories..

soemone else made a point that in arranged marriage situations girls have a limited choice because the family filters down the candidates to those they feel are right...that plays both ways dont you think? so who does teh family filter out, younger guys who are not "established" among others.

Here is another kicker, one of my pals wants to get married. Guy is a cardiologist and at 35 is having problems meeting successful desi women around his age group who are available. He never had the time to meet anyone due to his family obligations. By his logic..most women get married in their early-mid twenties, and what are his options, someone 25-26 who has the same outlook in life, similar interests etc or find someone 33-35 yr old who did not get married because she had career and family responsibilities like him?

I hate to say it, but it appears that desi women who are single in their mid 30's are those who were really focused on career and did not find a suitable match, or those who were not good catches. and I believe that the first category is smaller. This is not meant as a diss to women but noting that in our culture ther eis so much pressure for girls to get married in their early to mid twenties, that those who are left are usually exceptions.

With many guys in the sandwich generation, where they have to support their parents and even help put their siblings thru school.

So this is my question..

what do you do if you are a guy who had to postpone marriage because of the pressures on you..

..and there are no desi women available in your age group that you can relate to...or meet your expectations..do you keep lowering the expectations or do you look someone in their mid to late 20's becuase you have a higher chance of finding someone who meets your expectations there..

the expectations are not revolving around physical ttractiveness either, but someone cultured, balanced, a go-getter and achiever type.

I am sad to say, he has shared info on the women in his age group that he was introduced to, and aside from one lady who was divorced and was lookign to remarry the rest were just not right for him.

I have 2 other pals in such situation. One just got engaged to a brazilian in his age group because he had no problems looking outside of culture, The other guy is still looking..

72

Madhanee, let's hear from you. What do you think could be some of the main reasons (generally speaking) that a woman remains unmarried in late 20's to mid 30's?

Similiarly, for a guy to be remain unmarried at the age of 35, there got to be other reasons than just plain simple career. So I don't think career just itself has anything to do with stopping someone from getting married. Men or women.

73

That is so not true. For most guys 20 years old is too young. I think mostly guys look for someone in early 20's to mid 20's. Once you cross 27-28 range, it becomes highly iffy.

74

Madhanee, you're hung up way too much on "falling in love" part. That's what the flaw is in your case of looking at this whole thing. You know, for many people "falling in love" is good and all but financial secuirty matters more. It's a choice that they have to make and then live with that choice. No every Allah Rakha or Alla Ditti are your average Romeo and Julliet. Their focus of life is different than falling in love and spending rest of the life with their "love".

75

Here we are at the square one. You talk in freaking circles.

76

Younger girls are attracted to mature men, and they also desire security and it's as much as ok for them to opt for older guys as it's for older guys to opt for younger girls.

77

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Madhanee: *
Fraudz, your friend is full of it. What is the guarantee that a 20 year old will offer him what he is looking for, that a 30 y/o doesnt? People come up with all kind of excuses and nonsense to marry young chicks. A 20 year old girl doesn’t know her ass from her elbow. Pick up any matrimonial sections in any Paki paper, and see how many Pakistani girls in their 30s are looking for hubbies. You will also notice how many Paki guys in their late 30s are also looking (for younger brides).
[/QUOTE]

madhanee

he is not full of it because I have met some of the women he is being introduced to.

He is NOt looking to marry someone who is young, had he wanted to do it, he would have been married already. he has been meeting women closer to his age group.

He is beginning to look towards women in mid to late twenties or as he says @7+ age group.

and indeed there are many Pakistani women in their 30s looking to get married. But the question as I posed was a minority of them is unmarried in their 30s due to personal choice..

majority of desi women get marrie din early to mid 20's and thus the pool of candidates becomes much smaller.

78

-

79

Madhnee you got it right, so those who do not intentionally wait to get married. Is it a guy's responsibility then to lower his expectations just to find someone the same age as him?

And again by expectations I am not saying, physical attributes, but a multitude of factors. background, education, outlook on life, personality,..

older women can go for younger men if they want, I have several friends and an uncle married to older women.

there is also an abundance of younger men who are not married, because society does not consider them eligible enough, in terms of being able to support a family.

so a guy at 23 is not considered established enough..who does a 23 year old girl marry then? especially in the arranged marriage scenario..the candidates are always older...so by this 23 year old is 28..the girls of his age group are married off and have kids by then who call him mamoon :) so..should he keep his expectations in a mate the same and look for somone who is 23-24, or should he try to find the exceptions among those in his age group who did not marry out of choice and find a great catch there... or, as much as I hate to say it, go for the leftovers who may or may not meet their expectations.

so blaming it on men is absurd in my viewpoint..they get dealt the other end of the same stick in their early20's when they are not considered 'eligible enough'

the solution would be for people to just back off and let ppl marry who they want and when they want.

80

Amen to that :k:
I don’t see it happening though, not in our culture :slight_smile: