Anil, make sure you set things straight from the begining with your wife. I know of this one guy who started hitting his wife on the first night and onwards. She got pregnant and his mother threw her off the stairs and she had a miscarriage. She finally asked for divorce, the nerve of her!!!! No wonder she deserved to be beaten. The guy refused to divorce her so now she is applying for a khulaa. All of a 19-20 year old girl.
Ok sarcasm aside, pay heed to some sensible advice that has been given here. I would particularly pay attention to folks who are married or have been married for a while. But in the end, you will realise that your situation is going to be unique to you and you only. Ask Allah for a righteous, caring and honest wife who will be the best for you in both worlds. :)
Just dont be a pushover when she asks for things or says something, otherwise she'll think that she is in control. Otherwise be a good husband, InshAllah u'll have no problems.
Astagfrillah, Astagrillah. I have no intention of hitting my wife ever. Everyone must understand this.
I think the problem is the word "zor" that I used and in retrospect I should've used another. Khair, I'll elaborate some more later tonite but it is very important for everyone to know that I don't believe in zabardasti AT ALL; in anything.
Anil i understand exactly what you are trying to say and feel somewhat similar.
Alot of people on here are westernised when it comes to their views on relationships. The rules that they apply to relationships are only true when both partners are from the west.
People here see guys like you and me as "the bad guy", just because we want to get married to someone from back home and follow the traditions of our culture.
To be honest, I've never seen a marriage (Pakistani, that is) where the two members are best friends; the wife has always had sharam in her eyes when speaking to her husband (atleast in public). Thats what I'm striving for; I don't want a kiss ass but someone who will respect me. Now, I know what the typical answer is going to be "Respect is commanded, not demanded" and I fully agree. BUT, I don't think that sharam will be there if we're best friends. See with best friends, alot of lines are crossed; for example phrases like "shut up" or "you're stupid" are used all the times playfully. I don't know if I'd be okay with my wife saying those things or something along those lines to me.
Hope this made sense.
Oh and as far hitting goes...Allah knows that throughout the time I've been here or in my life I've never thought about or actually hit a girl. I realize they are one of Allah's most precious creations and I couldn't phatom the idea of hurting it in anyway.
ok, i say this aram se, since we can’t tell tones on GS and that seems to lead to a lot of fighting so i mean no offense or rudeness
ok, annnyhow
Anil, can i ask you…why do you feel the need for her to look at you with sharam in her eyes…and i know exactly what you’re talking about b/c i’ve heard other people refer to it…and it usually angers me when it is someone close to me…but i’ve come to accept people have their own views and are not going to change them no matter what…what i fail to see is that why she needs to look at you like that, it’s a very subservient comment, please don’t say its not…why is it not enough for her to look at you with love and respect? I think you’re defining respect in a way most women are not going to be comfortable. You say that Allah SWT created men and woman equal but different…and that’s absolutely true that we have our individual roles in life and that there are things one gender can do that the other can’t and vice versa…but where does your notion of sharam, of subervience really fit in to that?
I think sharam only comes when there is love and respect :). I just wouldn’t like it any other way. And I totally understand this is old thinking but what can I do, this western way of life doesn’t suit me. I’m old fashioned. I also know that I need to be very careful in choosing who I marry because not everyone will have similar ideologies. But I tell you what, by the grace of Allah, whoever marries me will never have a dull moment in life. Humari baat kuch alag cee hai.
The more I read your posts the more I am convinced that you are too young right now, and need a lot of time to understand what this companionship really is. And I am also convinced that you'll act differently than your ideas, fantasies about married life, once you get married.
Listen, dont think too much about it right now, things wont be like this in marriage. In my opinion, marriage only works when both the partners are on the same level. I am not saying that she'll start calling you tum and insulting you in public. She'll only do it, if you do this to her.
I have a lot of respect for my husband but there's no zor/zabardasti ya authority between us. Whenever there's a decision to make we consult each other and sometimes, its me who makes the decisions. Does that make my husband lesser than I am. No because we do it like friends. We do have fights, but we make up like friends. We even have pillow fights, does that degrades his authority? NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Because I know it in my heart that I love him and I have to take care of the house and the children. I do my part well, he does his part well. But if you have a friend in your spouse, life is really easy. Believe me!
Youdont want to spoil the marriage by showing too much authority over her. Like I said, i am sure, you'll act differently.
^ What changes after you get married? How would I change my views? I know what kind of behaviour appeals to me and what doesn't and I assure you having pillow fights with her will not be one of 'em (no offense intended).
so i mean no offense or rudeness