my hubby is a gud guy but… ven it comes to my parents family he is a miser. (though there had been nevr any big issues) he says my brothers shud buy stuff for my parents, not me…
v moved out of our home country a year bk, now planning 1 month trip bk home. as its our first trip v r buying gifts for everybody in the family and friends… but my hubby is not encouraging or happy ven i buy anything for my family…
earlier i was working, so i used to buy stuff for dem with my money, now i cant work because of my son… so i m depending on him entirely…
my lil brother and sis consider them selves prince/princess of ejypt or some thing.
Giving expensive gift to ppl they merely know, is part of there routine.
My father spoiled them!!!
If you are like them, hubby is going to be concerned and rightfully so.
You need to look at your(families) means and then decide whee you should stop "waisting" money.
Well, are u buying stuff for his family also? If u r gettign stuff for yours, then you should for his also. A tip, when getting something for your mum, get similar for his, say look, I got this for your mom, and and this for mine, it will be more acceptable for him to see that if his family is getting something, then yours is also.
Having said that, a man is not obliged to spend on his in-laws, just as u r not obliged to spend on your in-laws.
Don't worry hallucination most men are like that for some reason they rarely like their in laws. If you want to buy something for them, you don't have to tell him.
I would argue against this - it's deceiving him in a way. This will only affect the relationship more; I mean for example, if you hide the fact that you bought a small item for your family and your hubby comes to know about it then there is every chance that he will begin to think that you are hiding buying bigger things for them. Result will just be tension between you and your husbands reluctance would probably increase
Make him understand that you are not funding their existence you are simply buying gifts for them - especially if it's your first trip home.
I have the same problem sometimes - I culd buy the earth for his family and he won't mind but as soon as I buy for mine it's like 'Kyun????'!!
I resented him for a long time.....
Then I made him understand that he has a mum/I have a mum - we are the eldest siblings in our families etc etc etc
He's relaxed a bit - still have arguments about it though....
Well that's what my mom does inorder to avoid conflict. My dad never checks any bags or cupboards so I guess it's ok. It just depends on the the person, if he's is the nosey type then it would be a good idea to tell them in advance :)
What do you guy's think about a wife asserting her authority when it comes to something like this? Say if hallucination decided to TELL her husband that she is getting this for her parents, there wouldn't b much he could do about it...???
(Wouldn't be worth it tho, if it creates bad feeling between them)
Simple deal. Tell him that it has to be fair for both sides so you can both NOT buy anything for either family or you get to buy for both equally.
The argument that brothers should buy stuff and not daughters makes no sense. If he has sisters, dont they give stuff to their mom? The prophet Muhammad had four daughters so it was only daughters who could gift their parents not any sons.
Gifts are about showing love so based on that, girls should actually give more than sons because all girls love their moms the most.
This is like deja vu because this happened to me already many years ago. We had two weddings to attend in Pakistan, one from his side and one from mine. Hubby didnt allow me to spend anything on my family because 'we didnt have the money'. I ended up buying a $20 wedding gift for my cousins wedding and nothing at all for any other relative. A month later, my credit card statement arrived with a $2000 bill on it. I hadnt used it and discovered that hubby had spent all that money on his family gifts.
The most valuable lesson I have learnt in my 17 years of marriage to resolve issues like this is to open a separate bank account and have a certain mutually agreed amount direct deposited into there regularly. This is your personal maintenance that every Muslim husband is obliged to provide you as a wife.
My hubby reluctantly agreed to this on the provision that I did not touch his bank account after that. After a few months, I told him that I needed cash for regular things like chidrens allowance, food allowance etc..we calculated what was a fair amount and that was also added to my own bank account.
Now I can shop in peace without the headache of whether he is going to have a fit about what I bought etc. (Well, he does still complain about me buying stuff like the time I bought a Xbox for my oldest, but I just remind him that its my money and I can do what I want with it:p
Im sorry, but if you have to find a 'work around', or a solution, then you have bigger problems to deal with, than just a one off trip back home. Respecting one's inlaws is perhaps the most basic ingredient to a fruitful relationship with one's spouse. If you respect your inlaws, no matter how much you fight/argue with your spouse otherwise, he/she will always regard you for the way you behave with his/her parents.
I think that there is no place for a comparison between 'your parents' and 'my parents'. Both must be treated the same. If your husband is ok with you buying gifts for his parents, and frowns when you buy something for your's, then frankly, there is a problem. You could buy something for your parents by going around him, but that wont solve the real problem.
You need to have a serious heart to heart with your husband on this.
try your best not to argue about it...it's a very awkward situation that you are in and it can be very hurtful...i had the same problem as you, it was fine when he spent the money on his family but as soon as an occasion in my family came up he wouldn't have the money to spare.....i soon realised that it was my MIL feeding him all sorts of crap...although she'd happily take money from my family.
as we are cousins, we have the same family...but he is still very tight when it comes to sending gifts to our cousins or giving eidi to my family... i have realised that izzat apne haath me hoti hai...i go out and buy stuff and then let him know, once i've brought the items he can't say much....but i always make sure that i have brought gifts for his family as well....you have to keep the balance....
Hallucination, you're going to visit family and it only makes sense to take some gifts, at least for your immediate family. First of all, it is sunnah to give gifts (within your budget) and secondly, it will make your husband look good. Talk to him patiently and explain that to him but work within your means. Let's not get into the argument of his family and my family here.
thanks all of u for ur response.. appreciate it :)
yar i always buy for his family first.... infact mostly.... i hardly buy anything for my family...
pyaree.... dear,i agree with u dat I shud not argue on dis... as i dnt want him to b against my family... he says dats my brothers responsibility to buy gifts for dem not mine...
As u said, if i buy stuff for my sis, he suddenly says, dis vil look gud on his mom or sis or chachi or phophi ....... whtevr... and its gone.
haan jahan kuch cheap ho... den he asks me to buy dat for my family... and dat irritates me... :(
yar the thing is i dnt want to b dis honest wid him, otherwise agar mujha kuch chupa ka la jana ho to kisi ka bap ko pata nah chala... + even my parents wudnt except anything like dat...
as far as my experience concern, most of the ladies just buy the gifts without even telling or showing the husband ever, they just go to pak.. and distribute in closed doors... .. right :)
u r not paying ur familys bills or rents its gifts n since u r buying for everyone in his side of family hes not right in not letting u buy for urs.i think u shouldn't ask him if he likes it or not just make a budget n list of immediate family members so u don't overspend.U can also make a deal with ur husband to giv u a specific monthly allowance n it should b ur choice on whom n how to spend it.another thing u can sacrifice some of the stuff u wanna buy for urself n instead buy something for ur family.this way u can let him know that u r sacrificing ur portion.also no need to show him everything u buy.
the tip Rupay gav is also gud that buying same set of things for both sides might do the trick.
thanks all of u for ur response.. appreciate it :)
yar i always buy for his family first.... infact mostly.... i hardly buy anything for my family...
pyaree.... dear,i agree with u dat I shud not argue on dis... as i dnt want him to b against my family... he says dats my brothers responsibility to buy gifts for dem not mine...
As u said, if i buy stuff for my sis, he suddenly says, dis vil look gud on his mom or sis or chachi or phophi ....... whtevr... and its gone.
haan jahan kuch cheap ho... den he asks me to buy dat for my family... and dat irritates me... :(
yar the thing is i dnt want to b dis honest wid him, otherwise agar mujha kuch chupa ka la jana ho to kisi ka bap ko pata nah chala... + even my parents wudnt except anything like dat...
its not dishonesty.u as his wife hav a right on his income n if u hav a joint account or he giv u an allowance u r free to spend it the way u want eg if my husband says to me u can spend one lac rupees on clothes on our trip to pak that one lac is mine n if i buy few suits for my mom n sis it shouldn't bother anybody.
otherwise tell him if he doesn't want u to buy anything for ur family u won't get involved in his shopping spree for his family n let him buy things on his own.
If you dont stand up for yourself now...it will only get worse and worse. I have spent too many years of having to put up with the same crap about 'abhee paisay nahin hain" for my side of the family. In fact it is my family that is always giving gifts and money to me.
As someone else said..apnee izzat apney haath mein hee hai. I would tell him..dont you care about my family? Do you hate them or something? Because if you liked my family you would never have an issue with me buying stuff for them.
My own Mother in law gave me advice and said..Beta..dont ask your hubby if you can buy something. Just do it and let him find out for himself.
If you buy something, it is not hiding anything. Your hubby is earning money for the family, you are part of that family so whatever you spend on your family is your right.
I dont know when you are leaving, but I will say it again..get yourself a regular allowance from hubby with the stipulation that if you are spending from your own money, what or who you spend it on is your own business. I got mine direct deposited because even though we made this agreeement, he was never regular with handing over cash.
I know you dont want conflict but if you dont stand up for yourself, you will only make yourself more upset and it will build up over the years. It is better to take a stand for yourself now than to regret all the times you should have down the road (I have been married for 17 years now and have those "if only I had said this..." moments all the time!)
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