Granted, it is a man's responsibility to earn and provide and parents have every right to make sure he works. But are you marrying your daughter off to him or his money? hmmmm......
I remember saying/feeling that when I was around 16 or so. I think it's a rather naive and impractical way to go about it, "i don't care if he makes money or not." Yes, love is impotant, but love ain't gonna put food on the table.
I believe things like respect, love, religiousness etc can be seen rather than just asked, if that makes sense. Parents are able to see things that we cannot see because we're blinded by emotion or lust n whatnot. Like I said before, my dad spent over an hour asking him about his job, money, qualifications etc, but that doesn't mean that my father will marry me off to just any guy who makes a good living. He didnt' ask him "will you love/respect my daughter?" mainly because he knows that if I didn't know that already (that he would love/respect me) then I'd've dumped him long time ago and parents wudn't even be talking to him.
I do think that parents who look ONLY at his education and how much he makes and wat kind of car he drives (which I think is the stupidest thing I've ever heard), an d make a decision based solely on THAT criteria,ignoring that he might not be the nicest or most respectful person etc, doesn't mean they will automatically say yes if they feel that something is definitely not right about him.
Waisey, I rejected a proposal, right away, where the girl's father was asking me these questions because this is unethical and morally incorrect to ask these questions. What kind of car I have, do I rent or have a home etc etc, all rubbish questions. The financial aspect can be assessed by many other reasonable ways. Its not that they are getting their daughter married to the boys money or possessions. Rizk is Allah's prerogative and you are not gonna get it more by marrying to a rich person or making sure the boy has all that. You'll get your rizk even if you'll marry an average guy who has a decent job.
Not that I am not earning proper. Alhamdulillah I have one of the highest paid professional job in USA, to me that was an indication of the low intellectual thinking, a family who is getting wealth for the first time. Dawlat key pujari. Simply knowing about my profession should pose no question as to how much I make..............
Khuda is also a name of something logo. Allah sey daro............. Now I think fallenpieta's aprehension is correct.....
And Sara516, you'll not be asked such questions from the boys side so don't delude us by saying you'd not be asked. You are not assessed for financial security as a woman. It is a man who has to go through this hell.
Sara, you basically got to the issue in your last post. People are superficial. If someone is taking an interest in a person’s character as well as wanting to know if the guy will be able to take care of their daughter (financially), then that’s one thing. Wanting to *only *know how much a person makes without taking any interest at all in anything else or giving a person a chance, is another issue altogether. Heck, I’ve seen people ask what kind of car the girl drives, what kind of cars all her uncles drive, etc. It can be really disgusting.
Your parents aren’t shallow and neither are his, which is why they focussed on a lot more than just asking him about his salary.
Some people want that though. They want the status, the money, they lifestyle so they are upfront about asking. I guess it’s their “preference”.
Okay the car thing, I just find it really moronic to choose a guy based on the car he drives. That’s just pure stupidity and superficial-ity/ness. Renting vs owning, I can understand, renting indicates whether you plan on settling in that place or if ure not yet financially on ur feet or u dont believe in owning a home (for interest reasons :halo: ). GEnerally speaking, maybe since they’re poor (like you said) they’ve had to struggle to provide, they don’t want their daughter to go through that. You’re right, how much rizq ull get is written, but isn’t it up to us (free will) as to how we obtain that ?
And if you notice what Mehnaz said, even women are being asked about how much money they make. True, they’re not under as much pressure about their financial or educational status but I do believe it does happen, though it might not be widespread (yet). Even if I won’t be questioned about my finances, I will answer anything they’d wnat to know.
Agree to your post a bit but still, I think I am not worth these people. I believe in hard work. I am a strong willed and self made person. What people boast of here is all that is “borrowed” one way or the other. There is no guarantee in any way to make sure what you are trying to know is gonna last. Even if the guy is completely well settled, he can come acroos some financial hardships and then all of their dreams will go down the dream. Then are they gonna go and look for another man for their daughter… Doesn’t make sense to me …
Here I salute to my parents who got their daughter (my sister) married to this guy just because he was honest in his self, was hard working had strong Imaan and just a decent ordinary job. Alhamdulillah, by the grace of Allah, he afterwards was blessed and Allah gave him better job and better position. Alahamdulillah both husband and wife are happy and have a little girl now.
In this world, the biggest power is Almighty Allah, nothing else. Our thinking our reasoning is all useless in this aspect. It only shows we are not doing something for Him, but our own self…
Khair, I have never heard of a girl being asked these questions. And is someone does ask, please refrain from these deviant people. These are the people who are gonna get you in trouble, beat you up and abuse you…
Granted, it is a man's responsibility to earn and provide and parents have every right to make sure he works. But are you marrying your daughter off to him or his money? hmmmm......
id rather marry a not so rich guy with a good heart....rather than someone who earns more...money isnt everything. Allah is the provider of everyone....so we shouldnt worry too much about that.
id hate to live with a rich, ugly personality guy....who doesnt love me and doesnt respect me and doesnt have any morals...
Id rather have a good personality, respectable, good morals, loving, caring guy than a rich guy ...
Yeah well. I am looking for someone nice too. Someone who agrees with me and understands and belives in sancitity of marriage. But you'll have to agree that in this superficial and selfish world finding that perfect woman is harder than ever. My friends tell me I should go to Pakistan and find someone there. (Plenty of hot kashmiri girls there). Others advise that social gap between the two cultures is almost incompatible. What is a bachelor to do? Although I have not lost hope that there is a nice woman out there who'll rise above the selfish standards society adheres to and accept a man who is still old fashioned. But that hope sometimes sways and dwindles when I see how a few of my friends and work colleagues have suffered. I cannot express the scene when a friend broke down and cried in front of me when his new wife fled with his only son to a different state. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine a father being away from his new born son? I cannot for I am not a father. Then these biased laws did not do him any favors as he could not win custody of his only son and forcefully drove himself to be content with only a few a year. I am perplexed!
Dear brother,
I hear you. I completely understand you. You are writting everything true. Let me tell you one thing before writting anything further. If we see bad things happening in front of us, it does not mean it is gonna happen to us in the same way. These incidences are where we learn from.
You are not an old fashioned man. get it cleared of in your mind, don't think like you are old fashioned. You are a good person who yet has not swept away by the materialistic mentality of the world.
You have to accept that there is a big difference in the way you are brought up and the way this society works. The generations who came here 20-30 years ago, in my opinion, their generations have matured into this system without any input for their psychological, spiritual and mental orientation about their religion, culture and values. Why you feel depressed by the mistakes of others. Their kids are not right, they don't realize it, it is their fault. They will pay for it when their next generation will be just exactly American by all means. Don't get the mistaes of others affect you.
You are a Pakistani by heart, soul and mind. Accept it, thank Allah for this. Go to Pakistan, find a good girl for yourself because thats where you belong, thats what you are. Let the choices of other people give them the fruit and result of their deeds. You do what you want to do. Get married with honest heart. Raise good kids deeply entranched in good values, teach them every day, their identity, their values, their religion. Inshallah your kids will not be like this.
Take this all as a learning experience, thats what it is all about brother...
today social gap btw two neighbors may be more important than thereof two people living thousands of miles away:D
thanks to internet and television, people share customs from "strangers". and what about chinatown in everyother big city of this world, everyone drinking coke, wearing jeans, using japanese high tech products, etc...
we live in a globalised world, and we make our own customised culture for ourself! so don't get too depserate, you may come around that dream girl especially made for you soon! (next door, on trip or on net:D)
^ He is not desperate, silly girl . He is opening up his fears and how his perception is shaping his actions and view about the world. This is how any reasonable mind will think. Definitly he’ll get a good reasonable girl …
Trying to imitate a culture and being a part of that culture are two different things. Granted Pakistanis are trying to become more westernised by wearing jeans, drinking coke, making technology a a bigger part of their lives, but this is mere mimicry. Are gays, pre/extra marital sex, out-of-wedlock children, etc. accepted in Pakistan? No. Pakistanis may be trying to mimic the west but it’ll take them very long time to actually mirror the west.
why would they want it anyway??
it would be crazy:halo:
ps, i don’t think you get my point
my point is that there is no more such culture concept in the west, for anyone, specially immigrant sons and daughters, cause of mixed culture influences…
anyone has got their OWN opinions and wishes for life, even if they do not follow culture
just look how much pakistani culture is depised on this forum, anti islamic, anti freedomof choice ofr girls, etc…but that doesn’t mean people reject ALL, only they retain what THEY want and build THEIR version of the “culture”
I do get your point and I still disagree with you. America, because I live here, is a big melting pot of cultures and social values. First generation and perhaps even the second generation migrants will adhere to the culture and social values of their parents and grand parents. But this influence will eventually disipate and next generations will ultimately become a part of drugs, sex, and rockin roll! This is the real western culture: total freedom to act upon ones desires. Hence, teen age out of wedlock pregnencies, as an example.
Every culture has its weak points. There are certain things that I'd like to change about our Pakistani culture. But does it mean that the American culture is any better? Something to ponder.
Every culture has its weak points. There are certain things that I'd like to change about our Pakistani culture. But does it mean that the American culture is any better? Something to ponder.
you are not grasping the subtle extent of various behaviors throughough one's society, nor grasping the mutliples and complex aspects of social variations within one "culture"...american culture d not mean anything, because most "americans" have various origins, religion, languages...even wasp american do not follow same religions, and the wide spread of their beliefs and various observances, do not make a bland identical "culture"
start thinking outisde the box, and forget stereotypes, you may understand what society is one day
btw pakistani culture is as diverse as american culture, and none is better, both do not mean anything, cause they refer to far too large groups of people
?? What are you talking about?????? You last post is more vague than the first one. Why are you bringing religion into this? Wasp American? There are many debates among catholics as well. Religion has nothing to do with this. ...Do not make a bland identical culture. What does that mean?????????????????
Perhaps I'll understand society one day but you'll still never be right.
. He is opening up his fears and how his perception is shaping his actions and view about the world. This is how any reasonable mind will think. Definitly he’ll get a good reasonable girl …
