I know a girl who has been living for the past eight years with her family because she cannot deal with inlaws. Her husband and her don’t have a separation, he comes and lives at her family home at times and other days he sleeps over at his family’s home. They have a child. Cannot deal with inlaws basically is that MIL takes husband’s salary according to girl and she gets a lot of verbal abuse and “taanay” in that home. So she left herself. No physical abuse, she wasn’t shoved out.
I told her clearly today that her place is at the inlaw’s home since husband cannot afford to keep them separately.
What do you guys think, generally? After marriage, a girl’s rightful place should be where? What are the implications of living apart from inlaws and husband shuttling back and forth?
Regarding MIL taking her son's salary...well does she take all of it or what she needs? She does have haq over a certain portion of it. And so do the wife and children. It is up to the husband to balance it out.
If the wife cannot tolerate the verbal abuse, she can definitely ask to move out. Her current arrangement isn't ideal because that could add on to the stress of her parents as well.
The best solution is for her husband to get a small place of their own if he can afford it. The rightful place for a girl after marriage is with her husband, but there are certain factors. Unfortunately we don't know the complete scenario.
I have a friend who is in same situation. Husband lives with his family and doesn't give a penny to my friend. She is working and looking after her daughter's financial needs alone. Her husband sometimes visit her. She lives with her mother
she should live with her husband, one can not find out solution by just running out of the scene. More over as niksik said husband should keep balance between his mother n wife.
rightful place should be where her husband is... but if that arrangements are not working for her n hubby for whatever reasons then she should be there where less trouble is. ....but she should be able to foresee the future when her parents are gone and brothers are married (if she have any) then where she would be living? she needs to work on this...
I have a friend who is in same situation. Husband lives with his family and doesn't give a penny to my friend. She is working and looking after her daughter's financial needs alone. Her husband sometimes visit her. She lives with her mother
then why did he married to the girl, just for bearing child and then leaving on her own to face the problems. Such men don´t worth marrying and starting new family.
haan i agree he shouldnt have married if he couldnt deal with it. in his defense though, she says that he didnt force her out nor did his parents as such but she left cos she couldnt deal with it. i told her her place is with husband this way or that
they can't get a place of their own? why can't the husband say something to his mother?
I think once you're married you have to be wherever your spouse is. I would miss my SO terribly if I was married to him and we had to be apart like we are now...
haan i agree he shouldnt have married if he couldnt deal with it. in his defense though, she says that he didnt force her out nor did his parents as such but she left cos she couldnt deal with it. i told her her place is with husband this way or that
He didn't force her out but wat did he do to make her feel loved and secure?
verbal and mental abuse can be very damaging and can chip away your confidence. He should stand up for her really.
Whatever works for them. It's not really anyone's business. If this is how they are happy, why should she make herself miserable for the sake of what... tradition?
It might not be what you would do, doesn't make it wrong.
In the specific situation you described, what does the husband say? Has he insisted that she moved back in with him or thereated divorce if she doesn’t? Or is he continuing this “adjustment” without any problem?
In the above situation, if the woman gets verbal abuse/taanay from the in-laws…then I believe it was good for her to move out (especially since she has a child). What mother wants to raise her child in a home where the mother is being disrespested and being put down constantly? Does anyone here actually believe that its good for a child to live in a situation where he/she sees the mother being verbally abused by the in-laws? What does this teach the child? That its ok to live your life being the victim of verbal abuse? The woman is living with her parents…the father is going back and forth regularly…so the question becomes…how is this living arrangement working out for the child.
Generally speaking, a woman’s “rightful place” is where she is treated with respect and not being subjected abused in ANY form (verbal, emotional, physical, sexual). The notion that a woman should put up with verbal/emotional abuse just b/c she’s a “wife” is ridiculous in my humble opinion. If a woman’s husband is not able to provide a safe/abuse-free enviornment for her (and their child) to live in…then she has every right to seek one herself. Yes the in-laws/husband didn’t force her out of their house…but they were perfectly happy with her living with verbal abuse every day. I give her credit for not staying quiet and putting up with it.
The implications of situations like this depend entirely on the couple. If the husband and wife have both accepted this arrangement and it works for them, then no one else has a right to tell them how their marriage should be.
She must have been under a lot of stress at her inlaws. No one just gets up and goes to their maika like that. I don't think you should've said what you did to her. Especially since you don't really know what was going on in their house. What if she was treated really badly?
She should be where she's treated with love and respect. And if husband can't arrange for another place for HIS wife and kid than I think she didn't have any other choice than to go live with her parents. I'd never live with people who didn't treat me well .. and to be honest I feel like her husband is at fault as well. He should sit his parents down and talk about it.
It's easier to give people advice and harder if you were the person on the other end taking it. Bottomline, every individual needs to do what's best for them apart from societal pressure. We don't have the full picture here, only the people involved and going through this would know.
I'm sure it's not a easy decision for any woman to decide to live apart from her husband. If the arrangement works for them, then good for the couple. Ideally, if the wife can't live with the in laws, esp after so many years the husband should be providing her with her own place. And anyways, why would this lady want to live where she is unhappy and being disrespected?
So did this lady ask you for your advice re her living arrangements?
This is shameful. Whatever the reasons be, I dont think anyone can deny a woman's right to live separately. What could add more to her parents' stress than having kept and taking care of their married daughter and her kids with them for 8 years!!! aor us pe logo ki baaten. This society of ours, not less than devours the party in such situations.
Well I dont know the wife is stubborn or what, what makes me angry is the complete helpless and poor stance of the husband. I cant imagine why is the wife even entertaining such a husband who comes to stay over only. Its HIS duty to arrange a respectable living for his family. If he cant afford it, his parents should be thoughtful enough, because at the end of the day, the poor guy looses everything just to earn the jannah under the feet of his mother. I dont know what kind of mothers really bear their son's married life go suffer like this. (unless the wife is really one monster of a woman and well, all evil)
I think your friend's parents are guilty too. If they can, they should support their daughter manage a separate home. Well since they are affording her expenses already, why not do it in a better way. I dont think parents do ehsan on their kinds any time thye can do anything for them, it be girl's or boy's parents. But a married girl still living at her parents, eerr, sounds more like a jag hansaayi. Its sad, but it should be avoided if it can.
I dont think its as bad as you make it sound. How do you know she started this thread for people to back bite only? maybe she needs different stances on the issue in order to help the girl come out of the situation in a better manner.
You dont really sound like a B***** Bee jamalo CM. let some other people do this who have a better art. :hinna:
I give her credit for not staying quiet and putting up with it.