A valid dying request

[dooree]

Stage 4 people cannot think things through , the sons can make better decisions for this seriously sick person.

And you are making this sweeping statement based on????? The only time a sick person cannot "think things through" is when they are in a Coma or are mentally unstable(as determined by a doctor). That is the only situation, when someone else should make a decision on their behalf. No one has any right to declare someone unfit to make decisions about THEIR LIFE unless they are the doctor.

[Mirch]

@TLK

Coming back to the topic , once a person is gone, its quite tough on the love ones who are left behind. I understand that the gentleman who is on his death bed: it must be really hard for him to think logically and he wants to be buried next to his own parent’s grave. However, I personally believe that the final resting place of any individual should be closer to the ones who are left behind than to the ones who already left this world.

You hit the nail on the head. :k:

@dooree

And you are making this sweeping statement based on??? The only time a sick person cannot “think things through” is when they are in a Coma or are mentally unstable(as determined by a doctor). That is the only situation, when someone else should make a decision on their behalf. No one has any right to declare someone unfit to make decisions about THEIR LIFE unless they are the doctor.

Can you move on please. We are beyond this discussion now.

[TLK]

And you are making this sweeping statement based on????? .

I think what he meant is that a dying person must be so over whelmed with emotions that it would be hard for him to think straight. That is quite understandable. If I am told that I have 4-5 months to live, I think I will handover all my decsion making to my wife at that time.

[Mirch]

I think what he meant is that a dying person must be so over whelmed with emotions that it would be hard for him to think straight. That is quite understandable. If I am told that I have 4-5 months to live, I think I will handover all my decsion making to my wife at that time.

Exactly. I will tell my loved ones to not to listen to me at that critical stage and do whatever they think is the best for me.

[yourfriend]

think reasonably, not emotionally.. i dont think they (sons) are obligated to fulfill his (father's) every single wish...
...... i agree with sherysh and Tlk ...

[DramayBazz]

Re: A valid dying request

As the OP said, he wants to live his last days in Pakistan not just be taken there to be buried, theres a difference. Maybe he thinks he will find more peace and comfort in this horribly painful phase of his life. if its that important to him, his kids should give it some consideration and talk to him regarding his reasonings and not just reject it outrightly as a whim of a sick old man who is not thinking straight, that attitude might hurt him.

May Allah provide strength and courage to this family to make the right decision. I am sure this is one of those situations where unless one is going through it, there are no logical answers, neither for the individual who has been handed his death sentence nor for the children who are about to lose their only living parent. we are all human, how can emotions not come into play in this situation?

[zobia]

Re: A valid dying request

the thing is your uncle dont find any reasoning on to be alive....otherwise merna to her aik ko hai. and this entire universe is created by ALLAH SWT. so whether he dies here or in Pakistan it really wont gonna create any difference cuz you never know who will die before who?

but may be when he will go to Pakistan, he starts wishing to have some more life.

[dooree]

@Mirch

You hit the nail on the head. :k:

Can you move on please. We are beyond this discussion now.

Well I am not buddy and I think it’s ridiculous for people to impose their wishes on someone else and defend it by declaring the person unfit for decision making. stage 4 or no stage 4, everyone has the right to make their own decision regarding their life, especially if it’s one of their last dying wishes. jeez talk about empathy!!!

[TLK]

everyone has the right to make their own decision regarding their life, !

ruthless and ironic, but this is exactly what we are saying. Everyone has the right to make their own decision regarding their life. Regarding their death, they should involve others.

[sweefs]

My father requested the same thing; he wanted to be taken back to Pakistan, which we all absurd and really strange, as he was born and bred in the UK and western life was all he knew. We all pleaded him.....but his wish was his wish.

Knowing that he's buried in a land foreign to me. Knowing that i cannot even kneel beside him. He got his "aakhri khwaish"....but it's the biggest regret of my life that i did not forcefully override this. It may sound selfish, but i say this, for the following reason:

O please people. get a grip on your emotions. Sons are right. Forget about pre_death logistics, dont they want to visit his grave after he is dead. Will they go to Pakistan every time they feel like touching his qabar.

My whole family is here and my dad's grave is in Pakistan. I know what I go through when I think that there is no one over there to even pour some water on his grave.

Maybe they need to have some counselor or Imam sahib of local mosque talk to the father.

Exactly the same here. My dad's buried in Pakistan, whether HIS family go to his grave or not I have no idea but since the day he's been buried I haven't been to his grave, neither my mum or siblings. It was his wish to be put beside his father and my mum's parents and he got it, but for me and my mum it's the most difficult thing ever to know year in and year out that his grave is so far away from us and we can't even go to put something for him. I'd wish that my mum could have changed his mind but to no avail.

[DramayBazz]

Re: A valid dying request

so kids should be given the right to decide where the parent should be buried? regardless of the parents wishes? thats just bizarre.

[TLK]

Exactly the same here. My dad's buried in Pakistan, whether HIS family go to his grave or not I have no idea but since the day he's been buried I haven't been to his grave, neither my mum or siblings. It was his wish to be put beside his father and my mum's parents and he got it, but for me and my mum it's the most difficult thing ever to know year in and year out that his grave is so far away from us and we can't even go to put something for him. I'd wish that my mum could have changed his mind but to no avail.

I feel for you sweetif. May Allah grant your dad the best place in jannat.

[TLK]

so kids should be given the right to decide where the parent should be buried? regardless of the parents wishes? thats just bizarre.

No one said that dudette. BUt let me ask you, if an elder of your family (assuming that he belongs to Pakistan but lives in USA) wishes that he should be buried in Madina, what do you think his family should do to grant his wishes?

[DramayBazz]

Re: A valid dying request

as I wrote earlier this is what I think of the situation:

[QUOTE]

As the OP said, he wants to live his last days in Pakistan not just be taken there to be buried, theres a difference. Maybe he thinks he will find more peace and comfort in this horribly painful phase of his life. if its that important to him, his kids should give it some consideration and talk to him regarding his reasonings and not just reject it outrightly as a whim of a sick old man who is not thinking straight, that attitude might hurt him.

[/QUOTE]

and this is what I would do if God forbid I am in that situation whether it be Madina, pakistan, india or timbuktu. thats just me.

[soundarya]

Re: A valid dying request

I don't know what to say... how I look at it is, do you need to visit your relative's grave every year to remember them? No. You'll remember your loved one whether their grave is near you or not. I know it's hard, but I'd try to respect the dad's last wishes. Listen to his reasonings and explain yours. Seeing someone battle cancer is difficult on all of the loved ones, especially when it becomes terminal. There are hospitals in Pakistan that can help. They may not be the best ones, but definitely consider visiting the Shaukat Khanum hospitals and the homeopathic ones.

Actually, I was thinking... maybe your uncle's kids should look into hospice. Hospice provides care and comfort to those who are terminally ill. Maybe when the uncle sees the care he is being provided along with being surrounded by family, he'll change his mind.

[tipusulatn]

Re: A valid dying request

Even i told my friends to i case of death, please send me back to Pakistan for burial. Apart from holy land (macca and madina) this is only place i wish as my final (resting or unresting all depend on what happen when inside but hope for best).

I think his should be respected, no matter how inconvenient for family after all this is last favor he is asking from them.

[njgal]

.... I dont want to turn it into a religious discussion, but even Islamically, sons are not obligated to fulfill his dying wish if the logistics are over whelming. Its like me dying and wishing that the whole city should be invited for my quran khawani. My family will not be obligated to fulfill that wish.

Religious or not - One may regret that was ONE thing that your father asked and you didn't fulfil it. For me, that sheer guilt would stay with me all my life.

[SaadiaB]

An Uncle is diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. The docs are giving him 4-6 months.

He currently lives in US with his 3 sons, DILs and a handful of grandchildren. His wife has passed away 5 years ago.

He wants to die in pakistan. That's his wish and he is insistenting on it.

The sons feel he could get better treatment option and a more comfortable lifestyle here but he's not budging. Finding a residence, specialists and setting up a home where he would be comfortable is not going to be easy.

Do you think the sons should comply with his request and take him back home?

Something like this happened to us a few years ago, although it was brain cancer and the uglist and agressivess of its kind.

My chacha said he wants to be in pakistan, so we dropped everything here, my ammi left her job, my khaala, who is also my chaachi dropped her job also and and my abbu, already in pension, all went back with him on a wheelchair.

My abbu already a mariz, forgat about his own sickness, although not deadly but affecting his health and all we cared about was chaacha and his getting better.

The kids had to stay behind coz of schooling.

Well if things are meant to be .. there is no way u can change it. He got better in pakistan, so that they all came back, back here in 2 months later, he feel into coma and died... so it was his kismet to be buried here and its good as kids and wife can go and see him anytime they feel like it.

but atleast they filled his last wish, to be in Pakistan for one last time.

[firenze]

@njgal

Religious or not - One may regret that was ONE thing that your father asked and you didn't fulfil it.** For me, that sheer guilt would stay with me all my life.**

thank you for saying it,...

1) the man has stage 4 cancer, but still in senses, 4/6 months to go..

2) he requested to live rest of his days in Pakistan and bury their.

3) three sons with their wifes, kid's & jobs ...

4) issue is not emotional, it's materialistic .. ex. what about jobs, wife's wishes/cryings, kid's education and all the excuses..

5) the sons should figure it out, it's not like everyone have to move to Pakistan with the old man, it can be one son and baho at a time.. or plan for some vacation after 5 months when all the lot can go back to pak to spend 10/15 days with the father..

not that difficult but it requires to think outside of the box (wife's,money)

[Sehrysh]

@firenze

thank you for saying it,...

1) the man has stage 4 cancer, but still in senses, 4/6 months to go..

2) he requested to live rest of his days in Pakistan and bury their.

3) three sons with their wifes, kid's & jobs ...

4) issue is not emotional, it's materialistic .. ex. what about jobs, wife's wishes/cryings, kid's education and all the excuses..

5) the sons should figure it out, it's not like everyone have to move to Pakistan with the old man, it can be one son and baho at a time.. or plan for some vacation after 5 months when all the lot can go back to pak to spend 10/15 days with the father..

not that difficult but it requires to think outside of the box (wife's,money)

But the logistics do matter!

I am assuming that all of the sons and their families cannot go back for 6 months. So the idea that well, son A will spend the first two months, son B the next two months and son C the last three months are at issue. I am further assuming that all 3 sons want to be with their father for all 6 of his last months on earth. What about the one's who aren't with him during his last moments - how terrible for them.

If possible, I agree and recommend that the sons take their father back for a visit to Pakistan - they can spend a month or two in Pakistan and then return here. If it is his wish to be buried there, so be it - though to TLK's point, I sympathize with the children wanting the parent to be buried close by.

But my point throughout has been that the children and grandchildren be able to maximize the time they can spend with their father/grandfather.