A rishta dilemma.

Lifestyle Relationships
101

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Okay so I sat down and talked to my dad for a long time over breakfast about this.

In the last couple of months I have had about 5 rishtas approach my parents which im actually quite surprised about as I had nothing for years anyways, what my mum and dad do which is rather unconventional is that they first go and see the boy and their family without me at the boys house and then assess whether the boy and family are suitable for me and then invite them over here.

My dad is picky and extremely vigilant and i trust him alot. Out of that 5 he rejected 3 straight away so I asked his reasons as he also rejected 1 doctor, he said for that doctor he felt that their mentality wouldn't match mine and our families and I fully trust my dad he has been right about all the people in my life (friends and family etc) and my dad is really strict about education so I asked what is it with this boy that is so good that it overrides the fact that he didnt finish his degree I discovered he dropped out in the middle of the second to last semester.

My dad explained the following. 1) the family- mum, dad, older brother, younger brother and bahu are all into education and have been encouraging this boy to complete his degree, they themselves are all very well educated and hold value for education and as the it is a family of finance and investment professionals they have ensured that he atleast gets all his professional exams as many as he can get as soon as possible. The family apparently seem to have good solid values.

2) he spoke to the boy for a long time( he was at their house from 1-5) and apparently he spend about 2 solid hours talking mainly to the boy ( my dad dad is a really good lie detector too maybe because his patients lie to him about sticking to their medication sometimes etc) and these positive points about the boy came up a) very honest and open b) bright and intelligent-he could talk on a wide range of topics with confidence and knowledge i.e. hes not some dumbass c) ambitious- he wants to get futher in his career and if that means taking a few months to finish his degree he will, he just doesnt want to right now as he is a professional working in a good job at a very good bank d) he was generally respectful, polite and courteous.

3) My dad said IF things work out after a few more meetings and I talk to him alone a few times then our family may say that we would much prefer if everything goes ahead if the boy definately does have intention to finish his degree to ensure career progression.

My dad said overall everything about the boy is good minus the non completion of his degree but his job at the moment seems to be paying very well a good solid position, he claims he is being head hunted and the family are in banking so could also through inside knowledge ensure he doesnt completely flop in life BUT my dad said I have to meet him and decide how I personally feel about the whole thing after I have met him and get more info on his professional exams and his ambition and his values about education which is actually important for the future.

102

Re: A rishta dilemma.

See this is what i was talking about. Only the people who interacted with him can judge whether his lack of degree is something you should ignore or let go of. From what you shared of your dad's views on the guy, he seems like a good catch :p so wish u the best. Hope it works out for you :).

103

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Definitely not NomiCA.

A relationship is a two way street. If inspiron feels that she has studied for 6 years and the other guy has not, then that attitude is not fair to the guy either. So it’s not just inspiron who can potentially be unhappy. The guy might very well be unhappy as well.

104

Re: A rishta dilemma.

inspiron any update on meeting the guy...how did it go

105

Re: A rishta dilemma.

What's the guarantee that if he leaves his job to finish his degree, he will be able to come back and his old job will be waiting for him?

106

Re: A rishta dilemma.

@ inspiron: I think you should go with the guy. you should not worry about his degree, as your father already asked him. you should worry about other stuff which you want in your future spouse.

I approved him for you. :@:

107

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Hey I havent met him yet!

The meeting got delayed as my parents got busy this weekend but dont worry guys I will definately keep you updated!

108

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Inspiron, i would say give him a chance definitely. Talk to him about this issue if this is the only thing you find him lacking.

There are so many jerks out there, even the families try to cover up so much and lie about so many things. I know so many cases where the girl got married to a drug addict who would hurt her or her husband turned out to be married and left her couple of months after their marriage. Their families covered up all this. Remember, Allah will put you through the difficulties he has in store for you no matter what and give you the happiness that are also in store. I am not saying aankh bandh kar ke shaadi karain aap but the truth is that it is a gamble or a juwaa. No matter how safe you are going to play, you will eventually have to just jump in hoping for the best.

I am impressed that he and his family were honest about it. After meeting him, you should do an istakhara (assuming you are Muslim). Inshallah, Allah aap ke haq main behtar karenge AMEEN. :)

109

Re: A rishta dilemma.

For everyone who is messaging me for updates I havent met the guy yet! we were busy then they are busy so I will probs meet him in 10 days!

I just wanted to say thankyou for alllllll the advice and the interesting debate and all the duas!

110

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Interesting discussion. I know someone in a similar situation. Inspiron, any updates? Did you ever end up meeting the guy?

111

Re: A rishta dilemma.

how did this play out, u got a ring on your finger?

112

Re: A rishta dilemma.

What is he doing in a bank if he has no college education, apart from being a teller? He probably has no decent standing at the bank without an MBA.

One option is to see if he'd be interested in going back to school and completing his degree, to get a step up in the ladder of succcess - sell it to him as if you GET a degree, look, you can move up in the bank and be a manager, or go further and start working in central if you get an MBA.

Bottom line, your concern is NOT shallow, it's perfectly reasonable. Why is it OK to drop out just cuz you feel like it? I never got that about desi parents and the sorry excuses they make for their sons' laziness. There is some merit in hard work and studying, and fine if business is not your forte, you can get a college degree in many other areas.

Getting a bachelors these days, honestly, doesn't require a lot of effort. A general bachelors degree at SOME university, that is. Fine, if he were to say "look, HARVARD, was hard and i couldn't take the pressure and dropped out.." --> that I get.

Dropping out of some general uni --> RETARDED.

Means the guy is lazy, doesn't prize hard work, so if you wanna marry him, fine, but expect that you'll be the one raising your kids ALONE with the value that they need to get educated. Your kids in the future can use that against you and say "well dad never went to school".

Up to you. If he's a nice guy, and has some morals, I'd say go for it, because that alone is rare these days, and maybe you can convince him to finish school.

113

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Ok, I just read the last part of what you wrote and your dad's meeting with him. Maybe he had some academic trouble and had issues completing his degree. If it's still an issue for you though, you need to address it directly to him, and see what the guy says. You went throuh A LOT OF years in schooling, and I can tell you that when guys talk to girls like us, they generally have zero clue on what was involved in those years of education. So they typically don't appreciate it. It's REALLY EASY for families like that to put pressure on you to drop your job later, and a lot of families who are upfront about "oh we're ok with her working, we're ok with her finishing her degrees" do a full 180 after marriage. As long as YOUR DEGREE is finished, and you feel like you could possibly make him finish his semester later...I would say go for it.

But if your own degree is incomplete, just watch out, you could be walking into a trap.

If they didn't care to get his degree completed, then they're not gonna care if you complete yours, and certainly will not "watch it" when they put pressure on you to get pregnant while you're finishing up your training.

I don't know. I still don't get it. A family so educated, but they let him off the hook for one blasted semester. You know what my dad would have done to me? He would have kicked my butt, that's what he would have done. And I'm a girl. I really don't get how guys get off this easy.

114

Re: A rishta dilemma.

I love how PCG is always so positive!

115

Re: A rishta dilemma.

I know. :blush:

116

Re: A rishta dilemma.

I'm just saying. I've gotten these kinds of love interests, and I can't have a conversation with these guys. Maybe this dude is different, since your dad didn't think he was a douche, but most of these desi guys that didn't do college or didn't finish...there's usually a reason why...and it's usually not a good one...

I just spoke to one guy a couple of months ago, and I had to tell him not to call me again. He talked like he was a mexican immigrant. NOt that there's anything wrong with mexican immigrants...but why would you speak with a hispanic accent from DA HOOD, if you're DESI. Like...where exactly did that accent come from? Then he told me how he fired off a gun once and was sent to jail, was part of some gang when he was a kid, and then his parents put him in a madrassa cuz they didn't know what else to do with him...and how I should be so appreciative that I'm talking to a hafiz...

I was like....

Actually, words cannot describe the feeling I got in my gut when I talked to him....

Oh awful. Awful. The horrors....

117

Re: A rishta dilemma.

yeh the guy's already been to jail, why serve a second sentence....

118

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Again, can't see what you're writing. Poor queerio, he can't get under me skin now.

119

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Just my own bit of insight from personal experience...

I completed my undergrad and grad school with some extra classes thrown in between the two for no reason other than I enjoy learning. My husband graduated college in Pakistan which by US standards is roughly the equivalent of completing high school and perhaps an associates degree (and no I'm not putting down Pakistani educational standards...just giving the facts) and then worked several odd jobs before finding his current, secure and very respectable position here in the States. People hounded me when he wasn't my husband and just a rishta I was considering because we weren't equals "on paper" and that he was just after my degree because he wanted to make me work so he could sit home and laze about and he shouldn't even be allowed "in the door" because I was "above him" blah blah blah blabbity blah.

And it was a load of BS. All of it. Having a degree doesn't necessarily mean you're educated. Having a degree doesn't mean you'll be a better provider, husband, father, etc. than anybody else. I won't argue with the fact that it DOES give you an edge but it's not the only factor...drive, effort, hard work, determination and faith in Allah...those matter too...

Why do I know this? Because even with my shiny degrees, I was out of work for years after our marriage and it was my husband who kept a roof over our heads and food on the table with hours of overtime and even a second job when things got really tough. But Alhamdullillah, we never wanted for anything during those rough, early years and even with all the penny watching, we were really and truly happy. And Alhamdullillah, now that I have a job (which has absolutely nothing to do with my degree, by the way)...well that's the icing on an already wonderful cake.

As for the rest of it...not being able to talk to the each other or have anything in common because of a gap in education...that's BS too. I know many college educated people who don't have much knowledge of anything beyond the latest trends, gadgets, movies and celebrity gossip. I know many people without college degrees who will knock you flat with their impressive store of knowledge regarding current affairs, economics, culture and societal issues. Of course, the opposite is true as well...you'll find jahil people in every type of population so please understand I'm not trying to disparage anyone who has put in the blood, sweat and tears for their education and come out on top. I'm just trying to show that the gap in education hasn't prevented my husband and me from having all sorts of discussions about politics, history, religion etc. It hasn't prevented us from finding things in common and points of disagreement which turn into lively debates. It hasn't prevented us from enjoying each others company and being best friends.

All I'm saying is that it's best to be open minded when you are considering rishtas. You might just find a diamond if you simply keep an open mind.

120

What was the outcome inspiron? Noticed this is an old thread..