A rishta dilemma.

Xtron · March 19, 2012, 2:53am

Re: A rishta dilemma.

mistral:

Just my own bit of insight from personal experience...

I completed my undergrad and grad school with some extra classes thrown in between the two for no reason other than I enjoy learning. My husband graduated college in Pakistan which by US standards is roughly the equivalent of completing high school and perhaps an associates degree (and no I'm not putting down Pakistani educational standards...just giving the facts) and then worked several odd jobs before finding his current, secure and very respectable position here in the States. People hounded me when he wasn't my husband and just a rishta I was considering because we weren't equals "on paper" and that he was just after my degree because he wanted to make me work so he could sit home and laze about and he shouldn't even be allowed "in the door" because I was "above him" blah blah blah blabbity blah.

And it was a load of BS. All of it. Having a degree doesn't necessarily mean you're educated. Having a degree doesn't mean you'll be a better provider, husband, father, etc. than anybody else. I won't argue with the fact that it DOES give you an edge but it's not the only factor...drive, effort, hard work, determination and faith in Allah...those matter too...

Why do I know this? Because even with my shiny degrees, I was out of work for years after our marriage and it was my husband who kept a roof over our heads and food on the table with hours of overtime and even a second job when things got really tough. But Alhamdullillah, we never wanted for anything during those rough, early years and even with all the penny watching, we were really and truly happy. And Alhamdullillah, now that I have a job (which has absolutely nothing to do with my degree, by the way)...well that's the icing on an already wonderful cake.

As for the rest of it...not being able to talk to the each other or have anything in common because of a gap in education...that's BS too. I know many college educated people who don't have much knowledge of anything beyond the latest trends, gadgets, movies and celebrity gossip. I know many people without college degrees who will knock you flat with their impressive store of knowledge regarding current affairs, economics, culture and societal issues. Of course, the opposite is true as well...you'll find jahil people in every type of population so please understand I'm not trying to disparage anyone who has put in the blood, sweat and tears for their education and come out on top. I'm just trying to show that the gap in education hasn't prevented my husband and me from having all sorts of discussions about politics, history, religion etc. It hasn't prevented us from finding things in common and points of disagreement which turn into lively debates. It hasn't prevented us from enjoying each others company and being best friends.

All I'm saying is that it's best to be open minded when you are considering rishtas. You might just find a diamond if you simply keep an open mind.

This my friend is jewel!

PyariCgudia · March 19, 2012, 3:05am

Re: A rishta dilemma.

It's a gem, because it's the perfect scapegoat for the perinneal desi slacker.

mistral · March 19, 2012, 11:07am

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Well if someone's going to use my story (or similar ones) as an excuse for why it's ok to not work hard, then that's on them. It doesn't make it any less a fact that there are lots of people out there who have achieved great things both with and without degrees. All I'm trying to say is that when considering rishtas, one shouldn't simply look at the degree (or lack thereof) to make the final decision.

Aish · March 19, 2012, 4:06pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Listen, I understand it might be shallow or mean but you don't want to keep progressing in your career 20 years from now and resent your spouse for being stuck where he/she is. If you weren't into medicine, I wouldn't be saying any of this. You might be more of the breadwinner in this case, and if thats what you want- fine. If you don't want that, marry a guy who has some sort of education to fall back on. The economy is getting worse everywhere and you always need a back up plan. That being said, if you really like him and your heart feels content, consider it

Contrarian · March 19, 2012, 4:46pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

OP's probably got a baby on the way by now.... it's over an year old thread

kakee · March 19, 2012, 4:48pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

lol she doesn't

or do you @inspiron

STA · March 19, 2012, 4:50pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

kuch bhi hosakta hai.

Translate: anything is possible.

kakee · March 19, 2012, 5:25pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

shukriya

STA · March 19, 2012, 5:26pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

aray wah. yeh to app nay hairan kar diya.

wow, you just surprised me.

Ashy2010 · March 19, 2012, 6:22pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

A desi bahu in the making

kakee · March 19, 2012, 7:15pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

haha I wish.
I'm trying to learn so I can understand what you guys are saying and I find Urdu way cheesier than english so it'll be fun if I can experiment with that.

STA · March 19, 2012, 7:17pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

you may post your words/sentences here and we will use inspi thread as translation.

kakee · March 19, 2012, 7:26pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

acha

see my limited vocab I don't think I'll ever be able to construct sentences ;(

soconfused · March 19, 2012, 11:21pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

i think inspiron has med school exams so she won't be updating for a while :S

yoda121 · March 20, 2012, 10:58am

Re: A rishta dilemma.

mistral:

Just my own bit of insight from personal experience...

I completed my undergrad and grad school with some extra classes thrown in between the two for no reason other than I enjoy learning. My husband graduated college in Pakistan which by US standards is roughly the equivalent of completing high school and perhaps an associates degree (and no I'm not putting down Pakistani educational standards...just giving the facts) and then worked several odd jobs before finding his current, secure and very respectable position here in the States. People hounded me when he wasn't my husband and just a rishta I was considering because we weren't equals "on paper" and that he was just after my degree because he wanted to make me work so he could sit home and laze about and he shouldn't even be allowed "in the door" because I was "above him" blah blah blah blabbity blah.

And it was a load of BS. All of it. Having a degree doesn't necessarily mean you're educated. Having a degree doesn't mean you'll be a better provider, husband, father, etc. than anybody else. I won't argue with the fact that it DOES give you an edge but it's not the only factor...drive, effort, hard work, determination and faith in Allah...those matter too...

Why do I know this? Because even with my shiny degrees, I was out of work for years after our marriage and it was my husband who kept a roof over our heads and food on the table with hours of overtime and even a second job when things got really tough. But Alhamdullillah, we never wanted for anything during those rough, early years and even with all the penny watching, we were really and truly happy. And Alhamdullillah, now that I have a job (which has absolutely nothing to do with my degree, by the way)...well that's the icing on an already wonderful cake.

As for the rest of it...not being able to talk to the each other or have anything in common because of a gap in education...that's BS too. I know many college educated people who don't have much knowledge of anything beyond the latest trends, gadgets, movies and celebrity gossip. I know many people without college degrees who will knock you flat with their impressive store of knowledge regarding current affairs, economics, culture and societal issues. Of course, the opposite is true as well...you'll find jahil people in every type of population so please understand I'm not trying to disparage anyone who has put in the blood, sweat and tears for their education and come out on top. I'm just trying to show that the gap in education hasn't prevented my husband and me from having all sorts of discussions about politics, history, religion etc. It hasn't prevented us from finding things in common and points of disagreement which turn into lively debates. It hasn't prevented us from enjoying each others company and being best friends.

All I'm saying is that it's best to be open minded when you are considering rishtas. You might just find a diamond if you simply keep an open mind.

:) Reading this made me happy, someone that talks some sense.

To me, someone holding a degree means sod all, I know degree holders that are very nice people indeed and know about allsorts, I also know degree holders whose intellegence can be compared to Homer Simpsons failed attempt at making a bar b q.

I know of one person that got married in the UK from Pak, came here and just drives a truck for a living, however he tries his best at what he does and he provides the best he can for his family, alot of respect for him in my eyes.

Confucius · March 20, 2012, 12:57pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

These days degrees mean jack unless if you have to qualify to qualify.. GP's , Pharmacists etc

My degree is just a tick in the box, nothing else

If this is a serious issue fo ryou now, I would say no to him because otherwise I am sure one day in some petty fight this subject will crop and not much to come out of it apart from resentment.
And I would be willing to say that not having a degree but being successful should not be frowned upon by anyone especially a husband/wife

..

psyah · March 20, 2012, 1:37pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

Peace inspiron

This is the first time I've come to this thread and it is very busy indeed ... :)

My experience about university degrees is that the paper is overrated. The person in my opinion who gets a high degree has two traits:

1) Is well indoctrinated
2) Is well organised

Otherwise you may find things such as "ambition" and "zeal" and "character" and "charm" and "wit" exist in any camp and the degree has absolutely no bearing on it.

We can also conclude that the person who is more likely to be "compassionate" and "free-thinking" will be the person who did not get his numbers, unless of course there was some sort of expectation from his family to succeed - such as to compete in the glory before his peers in his broader family or to help rescue his struggling family from their economic situation.

I didn't get a great degree, but I did study one of the hardest ones ... my reasons were because I spent most of my time in frivolous parties and organising events, missing lectures ... I felt nothing was being taught in them ... I have been tutoring and still studying today - so I really value education, but I don't trust the university process as being one that makes us as truly educated as alumini used to be in the past. My life experiences have taught me a lot more - and in total that is not a lot at all - There is so much more left to learn.

I also find it confusing how "learning" can translate to being "ambitious" because I don't see that ... some of the greatest minds are less concerned about financial gain and much mroe enthused by discovery and intellectual progress. They can be more political rather than capitalistic in their outlook.

Learning for me has meant moral progress ... and my gain in worldly matters has purely come about as a matter of chance, du'as being accepted and being able to present myself in various situations with confidence.

oOalyshaOo16 · March 20, 2012, 4:49pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

I don't think uni drop out is a big deal if he has a good career.

education doesn't mean someone has to have degrees and diplomas.
someone with less education could also be very smart and someone with many degrees can also be lo$er in life.

Sanaabc · March 20, 2012, 10:29pm

Re: A rishta dilemma.

may be im just too materialistic, but being a doc, why u wanna go for a guy who doesnt have formal education. Now I can totally understand if ur head over heels for the guy.