A notice to all single women and their parents

Lifestyle Relationships
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Consider yourselves aware after reading this, and please do not feign shock and surprise when you encounter such issues in the future.

I think pretty much ANYONE (male or female) would love to have someone who takes care of them, cooking, cleaning, spoiling, serving, and without complaint. And when the cultural expectation is there that you are supposed to have someone like that, wouldn’t you be disappointed – and even angry – when you didn’t get that?

So though I definitely agree that most Pakistani men should be more flexible, kind and considerate toward their wives, and that it’s unfair of them to expect an obedient servant in their wives, I’m not surprised that they are resistant to changing the more traditional husband-wife relationship. It’s a pretty sweet deal for them – and they’ve got years of cultural expectations and hundreds of family members to support them.

So if you’re marrying a Pakistani man from a Pakistani family, don’t wait until you’re married to think about whether or not this is the role you want to play. Don’t wait to find out if he has these more traditional expectations. Address these issues before the marriage. Otherwise you threaten the very sanctity of your marriage.

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

I didnt get that…::konfused:

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ME TOO----I didn't get in clarity as to what issue is being debated or being sought to be discussed.

NEVERTHELESS-----whatever the creator of the thread may mean, my only lament is that WHY only a FEMALE should prepare to meet the requisites of the MALE..!

Kiyon jee....ye MARD hazraat aisay kaunse satvein asmaan se utrein hein ke saray ke saray unn ke he nakhre houn...aur BIWI beychaari sirf khaadma hee bunn ke rahe...

I am sorry...magarr aisa subject dekh karr aur MARD ko demi-God ka shape deyne pe..mere tunn badann mein aag lugg gaiee hai!

Yaad Rakhein...

  • MARD ........aurat ka zeevar hai,
  • AURAT.......mard ka libaas hai...

Duno ko aik doosre ka EQUAL khayall rakhna chaheeay.

Agarr MARD ki expectations ziyada hein...tou AURAT ka bhi uttna hee haq hai ... kiyonke woh bhi HAWWA ki beiti hai.

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

Look at the threads we've got going recently. So many women having issues because all of a sudden their fiances and husbands are restricting them. I think it's wrong that men do that, but it's also silly of so many women to get themselves into these situations, not addressing these issues in advance, often marrying strangers without realizing what they are getting themselves into. Of course it's unfair that women are the ones that have to deal with it. But it's reality, so I'm asking women to be smart in the decisions they make.

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Bless you Sahar :D I have a very strong feeling that your words of advice (common sense) will be read in vain.

Its almost as though people think that they are the only ones that have been through these issues and live in hope that maybe, just maybe their situations are unique cos you know, people are special. In some cases, a bit too special.

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

That's frustrating, Missy.

Too many girls want to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, let others make their decisions for them, get swept up in the glamor of a wedding so that they ignore what marriage is all about, and then whine and complain because somehow the stranger they married isn't who they assumed he would be.

Don't hide behind religion and cultural expectations, girls. You know better. Don't kid yourselves.

Are you a loner?
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I know luv, but its a tale as old as time, as are the issues they have. The same advice gets recycled yet no notice is taken.

My take on it is to allow them and their ideals. It is easier to project attributes onto others rather to admit ones own misgivings so to speak. No ones ever going to admit they are/were wrong as deep down they probably only planned to whine anyway.

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

But I guess it becomes especially hard when they are going through hard times in their marriage. I feel so bad for them and want to help them have a better life -- and then I wonder, how did you let yourself get into this mess in the first place?

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I believe its not that easy to help people who didnt think of helping themselves in the first place. Its not as if in this day and age they were forced to make these decisions. Life is hard. For a lot of people. But it still goes on. Its just their time and process, I think its ok for people to experience the worst. It will help them appreciate the best when it arrives. You can talk and talk and talk some more, but unless that lightblub flashes they aren't going to take any notice.

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

As I understand, it is even written in the Koran that a woman may decline to marry a potential rishta. It is a basic human right and also one that is written into the basis of the religion. So be smart gals and dont get yourselves into an unhappy mess just to please your parents. This is the rest of your life you're dealing with here - this is the biggest decision you will ever make. So stand up and MAKE the decision - and even if you are in a situation where you are not supposed to meet your intended prior to marriage, you can certainly find out about him. If you arent satisfied with what you know then simply refuse the marriage. Even if your parents are upset over it, they WILL recover. Better to address issues before you find yourself in a miserable situation that you cannot get out of.

Some great points were made here. I mean sure, the vast majority of people would love to be cared for in every way. But that doesnt necessarily mean that it has to be the wife doing it all yeah? If the wife is a professional wage earner then the family will have the resources to hire help - cook, maid etc. So in the end all that gets done anyway.

What the issue really boils down to is what does each person in the marriage want out of life - do they want the same things? Every unhappy marriage I've heard of or read about is unhappy because of difference in that subject. And both are set in what they want. Every happy marriage is a true partnership where both have the same desires as far as lifestyle and they work together to make it happen. If you dont have that in your marriage then it is likely an unhappy one.

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Would we call this OFF TOPIC...here?

***This is not my Pakistan, I am ashamed.... M.A. Jinnah must be crying in his grave..... may Allah SWT help us and guide us on straight path, not the path of those who went stray.

.................................

August 30, 2008

Pakistani Senator defends burying alive of women
"It was part of our tribal customs"

The DAWN, Karachi

ISLAMABAD: Balochistan Senator Sardar Israrullah Zehri stunned the upper house on Friday when he defended the recent incident of burying alive three teenage girls and two women in his province, saying it was part of 'our tribal custom.'

Senator Bibi Yasmin Shah of the PML-Q raised the issue citing a newspaper report that the girls, three of them aged between 16 and 18 years, had been buried alive a month ago for wishing to marry of their own will.

The incident took place in a remote village of Jafarabad district anda PPP minister and some other influential people were reported to have been involved. The report accused the provincial government of trying to hush up theissue.

Ms Shah said that the hapless girls and the women were first shot in the name of honour and then buried while they were alive. She also said that no criminal had been arrested so far.

Acting Chairman of Senate Jan Mohammad Jamali, who was presiding over the session, said: 'Yasmin Shah should go to our society and see for herself what the situation is like there and then come back to raise such questions in the house.'

Maulana Ghafoor Haideri of the JUI-F said there was no tradition of burying women alive in Baloch society because it was against the teachings of Islam.
Jamal Leghari of PML-Q emphatically stated that there was no custom of burying people alive, adding that the Baloch people did not believe in it.

Senator Jan Jamali commented: 'This is a provincial matter and it is being investigated at the provincial level and let us wait for the report of the investigation.' Leader of the Opposition Kamil Ali Agha accused the Balochistan government ofignoring the incident and said no jirga could order the burying of women alive and no law allowed anyone to commit such a crime and go unpunished. He urged the government to punish the people involved in it.

Leader of the House Mian Raza Rabbani said: 'We condemn the heinous act and assure the house that a complete report on the incident would be submitted on Monday.

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

^ Just a complete report? These murderers need to be locked up! This is disgusting.

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

Very good point Sehar. Its a must to get to know your potential before making a commitment. While no two people are the same, these differences must be discussed to see if they can compromise later on to accept each other. It's all about setting the expectations...when they are not met, it creates problems. No one should get into a marriage expecting the other person to change.

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

Every momin should pray to Allah:

"Almighty Lord please accept my prayers and grant me a good and caring husband/wife."

This is what I got told so many times, but never did. I don't want to bring in faith, but how can we handle this cultural problem? How can we find peace of mind? With Allah, because it's his will when you have something to eat, when you have something to wear etc.

Remember Allah and he will remember you. I'm talking with experience. If you remember Allah with honesty and not for your own advantage, do you think he will let you alone?

Never, but this is what we forget! I'm sorry if I went off-topic or if I posted a immature post!

haaN jii, yeh bataaiye k ''ataaii []" [ kise kahte haiN? :)
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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

Excellent topic Sahar. These days I see so many girls unhappy in their marriages because their hubby cant provide for them the way maybe their parents could.. and doesnt look after them like a princess... and I just wonder, why didnt u discuss all this before u got married. At least be on the same page or know of one anothers expectations..

We all have expectations of one another that dont get fulfilled and hence arguements arise.. but if they are discussed and resolved and u move on, thats maturity. For people to dwell on them and not discuss them with their spouse.. i dunno.. theres something wrong there

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

Agreed. Girls should have an educated say about their prospective rishtey... and they should voice their concerns if they have any before its too late.

But the responsibility here would be on the parents too... for they WILL be questioned for every decision they made with regards to their children, even on the name they gave their child. Its so sad to see some parents, at times, take into consideration what others will say/ family pressure/ insecurities/braderi rather then whats truly best fo their child.

I've seen people take their daughters to Pakistan and come back 2 months later with all 3 married/ engaged. One to a guy twice her age (she was 16!!!) I hope they're all happy now.... and in such situation, girls are often not strong enough to take a stand, or not mature enough to know themselves, or the kind of person they'd like to share their lives with.

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

lugging self centered expectation on a given spouse - female or male is an unwisea thinking. behaviors which display the intentions of over powering the other spouse or taking her/ him for granted, is not something that anyone should contend with.

distribution of labor is something really not an issue. this should not even phase anyone to carry on with deep thinking about it.
the house is of two people. they both live under one roof. both have jobs and they get to spend only so few hours for home chores. so expecting the wife or the husband to do all house work, will definitely make them feel taken for granted. both should share completing house chores. this might even bring them together and they might even learn better ways of doing things from each other.

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Sahar congratulation to be brave enough to say it like it is.
This is how desi society is , men and their families expect a woman to be home maker , even if they marry a working woman they expect her to cook , clean , do laundry, iron their clothes all these chores are not limited to just hubby , they expect her to do it for the entire family.
The girls in the very near past used to be trained to take that role , they were taught how to efficiently perform all these chores , with one difference that they were not expected to go out and work. Now things have changed girls are trained to be member of work force and mostly are not trained to take up the traditional role of a home maker . Most of the times they are kept away from doing and getting trained on cooking , cleaning , laundry etc etc.
How can women/girls or their parents avoid to get in double jeopardy. I guess by having an open and frank discussion before the marriage. In some cases even if the boys/mens side will agree to the girls terms and then forget their promises , but at least the girl can bring that up it up in discussion and get some relaxation or get some kind of a break.

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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

[QUOTE]
Now things have changed girls are trained to be member of work force and mostly are not trained to take up the traditional role of a home maker . Most of the times they are kept away from doing and getting trained on cooking , cleaning , laundry etc etc.

[/QUOTE]

Ok, with the exception of cooking most chores are not that difficult and shouldn't require training. Especially thse days we have so many appliances that are meant to make household chores easier and quicker. Maybe back then they were trained cz these appliances weren't available, but above all I think it's just a matter of habit..I think parents these days are catching on and realizing that it's quite unfair to make the daughters stay home and cook and clean and stuff while not letting their sons do any chores...and it's more equal these days..at least I hope it is, b/c chores are just things that should be done by both men and women...

I VANT VIFE!
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Re: A notice to all single women and their parents

^ If a woman works, her husband should assist her in the household chores. If he's too lazy, he should allow her to have maid. You pay someone $60.00 a week to clean your home in an out...if I'm working, I'm not scrubbing toilets.
The cooking, in my opinion, is still manageable.