a gud daughter in law....

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: a gud daughter in law....

Wrong.

First things first...women are not obedient. They dont go to obedience school like a puppy. They go to the same colleges and universities you do and work in the same jobs you possess. They earn as much and are now possessing higher degrees than men.

Second, because inlaws dont have any responsibility towards me nor I towards them. Its not mandated anywhere that they be good to me or vice versa. Its something people do out of the goodness of their hearts. Plus paying two mortgages can be expensive.

My husband and I do have responsibilities as well as rights over each other. The people I should have expectations from are my parents, husband, children, best friends, etc. If its required that I be a good wife, its also required that he be a good husband.

Tell me why anyone would have expectations from inlaws. Vo kya karenge? Mere bachay palenge? Khana pakayenge mere ghar ka? No. Its the other way around. They need someone to help them. So its great to help them but what could anyone possibly expect from them? Why even expect?

Its not the women that are confused it seems. Its the men. Its a few here that want all the benefits but do not want to do anything to earn them.

Expectations rakho to demanding and high maintenance. Na rakho to insulting and degrading.

42

Re: a gud daughter in law....

reha u rsayng in sense of physical help dat inlaws cannt provide but emotions,luv,gud thinking dat is much to expect from them...my point was dat if daughter in law is gud n she is helping them she lives wid them also she does nt expect any thing from them then y it does happen dat inlaws can not ignore a single mistake of their bahoo??if there is no joint system then its fine no 1 is doing for no one both happy...just meet once in a week give respect,take luv n all is gud..but one who lives with inlaws n obviously 24 hours then u cannt pretend anything ur so many weak points r visible..n now u r being judged by ur inlaws...u r serving dat is plus point after couple of years ur minor mistake like fight wid ur hubby,ur speaking manner ect ect they will consider u a untrained girl...

43

Re: a gud daughter in law....

dats y the bahoos remain unfair bcuz inlaws bechari ko kabhi nahi BAKSHTE...lol... n bahoo apni frustration me un k sath fair nahi rehti hahaha....

44

Re: a gud daughter in law....

why have expectations from husband too?? i mean many women come here with their problems that their husband is not like before, or not meeting expectations etc etc...

if all those women didn't expect much from their husbands...wouldn't they be happier?

45

Re: a gud daughter in law....

^ shouldn't that work both way?

46

Re: a gud daughter in law....

I suppose if you decide to marry someone and spend your life with them, you wouldn't be able to do that unless you had some expectations from them. What Reha is trying to say is often women get either labelled as attention seekers by in-laws or its degrading for them not to have expectations at all. I don't believe in either extreme, I suppose there is some middle ground that you could find. You may not have expectations from in-laws but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try and get in their good books. And even if you did have some expectations of love and appreciation, you should be prepared to handle disappointment, a few failed expectations never hurt anyone, you only learn and come back stronger from the experience.

47

Re: a gud daughter in law....

Yes absolutely!........ i just made that reference because a lot more of women come with complaints about failed expectations from husbands compared to the number of husbands complaining [if any].

48

Re: a gud daughter in law....

Thats what i was pointing towards in a different way.........if keeping expectations at minimum makes life easier in case of in-laws.......than it should make life easier in case of husband too......

49

Re: a gud daughter in law....

i think the key is to try very hard to integrate with the family that you're married into, i would do everything they enjoy doing. never get into arguments on tiny issues, speak less listen more. yes i'm an individual that might have had a different life before but for desis family is important and all those family gatherings are a time to enjoy. as long the in laws,husband give my parents respect and try to never be arrogant with them, are nice to them that effort would be made to be one of them.

i guess i need to have everybody getting along so i would do anything to make it possible. but i just feel like the ideal situation would be that all others would do their part to make it all work out too or else everything goes down the tubes sometimes

50

Re: a gud daughter in law....

A good daughter in law is someone whose brain isn't empty to think and re-think and re-think about every damn little thing about her inlaws. For example, my sister after marriage when she was living with us, she would hear my mother's lectures and nagging for hours and don't take thing but if her mother in law told her *no beta aise nahi asie, *she would quickly snap into *oh no she didn't *mentality, automatically she would have to this view that just because the correction came from her MIL, there's must be some malign behind it, she must think about that over and over again, must take it to heart, must sulk just because it came from her MIL who is an ultimate evil at the end of the day. God she was such a drama queen, but she's very mature and relaxed now. lol

51

Re: a gud daughter in law....

hm a good dil will walk in the hole that was dug for her and will accept that she dug it for herself.

52

Re: a gud daughter in law....

every relation is both side! when u respect anyone u expect respect...when u care u expect care! thats a unwritten law according nature...being demanding is else story than having expection of keeping a relation healthy!
ill expect my inlaws-my own family-my freinds-my hubby & anyone whom i relate anyhow to do same for me! same doesnt mean one kiss should reply with one as its not mathematic but in longterm i expect same ..if i respect in-laws i need respect i cant respect someone who will misrepsct...once or twice or three times ill bear but then i wont bear any person will be!
so main is long term relation not today they r angry i should reply direct with anger! pateines is nice with anyone u have relation from inlaws & hubby to freinds & family ...

relation rules r same!

53

Re: a gud daughter in law....

Nomi, I cannot repeat myelf...especially when I take the time to be clear the first time. For the answer to your question below...see above.

I have a right over my parents, husband, friends, etc. As for for husband and my expectations from him - we agreed to spend our lives together when we signed the dotted line. So, I have every right to expect whatever I want from him.

54

Re: a gud daughter in law....

Reha why do you always speak ma mind.......?

55

Re: a gud daughter in law....

I like what u r saying. However, sometimes one comes across people who dont understand the language of love, all they know is to fight and attack. One has to deal with them tactfully and with alot of patience. It consumes energy to make peace, rather than enjoying life one is always resolving petty issues. But i guess such people have a higher purpose in the grand scheme of things.

Maybe resistance is necessary to be able to fly in higher skies.

56

Re: a gud daughter in law…

Good points.

Aa Gaeen Aap? Khair Mubarak!

Anyhow, I did not expect anything good from you. :wink: You are so predictable.’

Absolutely wrong there.

You do good for doing good.

One cannot generalize and be paranoid like these days unmarried women are for their future in-laws.

Try not to instigate or instill negativity.

You say respect is earned, fine… then why not say the good treatment for DIL from in laws should be earned also? She should also work for it. Goes both ways!
**
Besides, if one cannot expect good from people then one should not even try to expect bad for no real reason.**

No wonder why I had to make fun of/question so called Oscar awards! Sorry shak!

No one said they are your parents literally. But they are your lover’s/husband’s parents and have same level as your parents.

I am appalled to see your comment in giving your friends more credibility than the parents of your husband. Come on.

Good point there.

Positivity begets positve reaction. Negativity brngs negative attityde from people.

Having said that, elders need to be given respect and room for mistakes.

**If you marry someone (man or woman) accept his or her parents as your own. That’s it.

No if, and or but there.**

57

Re: a gud daughter in law....

Diwana,

Try not to instigate something this time would you? :)

When I die, Allah swt will not call me by my husband's or MIL or FIL's name. All ties except those that Allah swt gave you are severed the day you die. That is a fact. So your statements are inaccurate. Nowhere have I seen any references to a saas or sasur. So - with all due respect - this is just a backward ideology some men possess that saas means everything. Its a bahana to make their wives do khidmat of their parents because they do not want to themselves. Apne maan baap ki khud khidmat karne ka vaqt nahin hota hai - bivi ki sar pe aram se thopke agay barajayein.

My best friends are literally like my sisters. I grew up with them and they hold a special place in my heart. No one can take that away just because I got married. There will always be a certain freedom, love and confidence I share with them that I will not have with anyone else. Of course, one can hope and pray for the best but again...be realistic.

A woman's life goes way beyond pleasing and living for the mere pleasure of her saas and susar.

You saying whatever you're saying does not make it true or the rule across the globe. The reality is, we naturally do not accept anyone in the place of our own parents. It is what it is. So why fight this idea and just accept that in-laws will be in-laws...no changing that.

58

Re: a gud daughter in law....

I would keep expectations from anyone (be it parents, best friends, spouses) to a minimum. High expectations are a recipe for a failed relationship.

59

Re: a gud daughter in law....

First of all, Diwana, I wasn't even talking to you. Secondly, what I meant to say was that ideally, respect should be mutual. But we don't live in a perfect world and it can and does happen that you may respect someone (not necessarily in-laws/could include other people).....show them tolerance/consideration/help them out/.....and still not be treated with respect in return (for whatever reason).

I seriously don't know what on Earth your problem is. It's like you're some buddha baba that completely twists and distorts a person's posts....making erroneous assumptions about the poster's intentions.....and then responding to it in a condescending manner...punctuating your thoughts with the gay winking emoticon you love so much. It's almost like your itching to start an argument. Just because someone doesn't agree with your view points doesn't meant that they're trying to "instill" negativity. I never encouraged disrespect of in-laws. And I disagree with the "accept your spouse's parents as your own." There is a difference between saying that one is "like" your parents....and one actually being your parent. The dynamics of the relationships are different...so it's unreasonable to have the same expectations. We live in an imperfect world...where people are not always treated right by their own blood relatives. You can argue that your cousin is LIKE your brother/sister and therefore SHOULD support you....that your khala SHOULD treat you well cuz she's LIKE your mother....etc.......but it's not so simple........these are people that share blood with you......and even THAT fact doesn't guarantee mutual respect.....and even THEY are NOT on the same level as your actual parents.

It is very idealistic to think that one should "accept" someone as their "parent." Even when you say that someone (whether you say it in English or Urdu) is "like" your parents....."like" doesn't not mean that they "are." It's almost like you think that just because a woman doesn't put her MIL and FIL ON THE SAME FRICKIN EXACT LEVEL as her own parents...............that she'll be a terrible daughter-in-law. That's not true. People can still manage to respect others without putting them on the very same level as their parents/siblings.

60

Re: a gud daughter in law....


.

**

**