Re: a gud daughter in law....
^ i think that's the worse kind.
Re: a gud daughter in law....
If a person A thinks that he/she has 'no expectation' from person B for being good, that means person A insults and degrades person B.
Re: a gud daughter in law....
If a person A thinks that he/she has 'no expectation' from person B for being good, that means person A insults and degrades person B.
No they do not. They protect their sanity and maintain peace in their lives. If women really started thinking of inlaws as their parents, phir to hogaya kaam. You know how spoiled some girls are with their parents? Yes, inlaws deserve respect, care and attention in every way that is practical. However, reality is...they're still not your parents. So, expecting them to forgive you for mistakes or ignore immaturity or gift you things or even so much as cook for you...is setting yourself up.
Agar expectations rakho, then we are materialistic and demanding. Na rakho then we are insulting and degrading.
Why get married if the goal is to drive the other person crazy with gharelu politics?
Re: a gud daughter in law....
^ Who says expecting good from someone is being materialistic?
Read again what I wrote Reha, it is same as being hopeless on someone not to expect good from someone.
If someone say to someone, I do not expect something good from you, that means that someone thinks other person is so bad that nothing good can be expected.
Come on that is so obvious. Gosh! I feel like I am RV now, (May she recovers fast) explaining even simple things.. J/K Hoping this will bring her back in her form.... :D
Re: a gud daughter in law....
^ Who says expecting good from someone is being materialistic?
Read again what I wrote Reha, it is same as being hopeless on someone not to expect good from someone.
If someone say to someone, I do not expect something good from you, that means that someone thinks other person is so bad that nothing good can be expected.
Come on that is so obvious. Gosh! I feel like I am RV now, (May she recovers fast) explaining even simple things.. J/K :D
What is good? What are reasonable expectations? If DIL is overall a good person - not perfect - but a decent girl, what should she expect from in-laws?
Re: a gud daughter in law....
What is good? What are reasonable expectations? If DIL is overall a good person - not perfect - but a decent girl, what should she expect from in-laws?
Good encompasses anything which is not bad. Even expecting neutral act is expecting good.
Reasonable? We do not put a condition to expectations.
Expectaions come from hope you know. We should always have hope in people.
We cannot go in to relations with any preconceived ideas.
Examples are there where even blood relatives can be bad.
However, always expect good from relatives/people unless otherwise proven, that is all I am saying. Right?
Re: a gud daughter in law....
wowwwww any way to put down women! now not having expectations is degrading...that doesnt even make any sense!
Re: a gud daughter in law....
wowwwww any way to put down women! now not having expectations is degrading...that doesnt even make any sense!
Nope, not at all.
Not degrading any gender here. It is a general concept I am talking about.
If I were really putting down women, then I would have agreed to not expecting good from in-laws and specially MIL who happens to be a woman also you know! :)
Today's DIL is possibly tomorrows MIL.
What if todays DIL hears this from her DIL in future: You know I do not expect anything good from you!
How would she feel then? Think about it!
Re: a gud daughter in law....
If a person A thinks that he/she has 'no expectation' from person B for being good, that means person A insults and degrades person B.
Insults and degrades are extreme words and not true.
But I do kinda agree with your general line of thought here. When you give a relationship/person a lot, you automatically start expecting at least a little if not the same. And if you manage to keep your expectations down, then it is likely that you didn't invest much from your side to begin with. Unless you are an exceptionally big-hearted person or just helpless or a parent.
Re: a gud daughter in law....
Insults and degrades are extreme words and not true.
But I do kinda agree with your general line of thought here. When you give a relationship/person a lot, you automatically start expecting at least a little if not the same. And if you manage to keep your expectations down, then it is likely that you didn't invest much from your side to begin with. Unless you are an exceptionally big-hearted person or just helpless.
Read above please.
No one says you give someone a lot. Just be natural and do usual good to anyone specially MIL. She is the mother of someone who 'you' claim to love isn't it?
Why hurt his feeings then?
You does not mean you in person.
(BTW: Nothing personal here, I have already discussed in other thread somewhere, I have no issues in my immediate family)
Re: a gud daughter in law…
Absolutely right. Kyunke Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. Don’t forget that girls 
Re: a gud daughter in law....
Good encompasses anything which is not bad. Even expecting neutral act is expecting good.
Reasonable? We do not put a condition to expectations.
Expectaions come from hope you know. We should always have hope in people.
We cannot go in to relations with any preconceived ideas.
Examples are there where even blood relatives can be bad.
However, always expect good from relatives/people unless otherwise proven, that is all I am saying. Right?
You say having expectation is good but then do not want any preconceived ideas in a woman's mind. Hm.
Here is the thing diwana. In any in-law situation, a woman cannot control anything...but herself. She cannot change people or alter behavior. What she can do is control her own behavior and keep her expectation next to nothing because if they're not met (even if they're good) it breeds disappointment. Say you did something nice and no one acknowledges it. If it were your own parents, you could say "mom, dad, you guys didnt even notice what i did". DOES ANY WOMAN DARE SAY THESE THINGS TO HER MIL? If she does, "dekho zara sa kaam karke naam karne ki koshish karrahi hai...maan baap ne bigara huwa hai". Now, if she hadnt expected acknowledgement...she wouldnt have been disappointed AND could have been saved all of the above.
Nope, not at all.
Not degrading any gender here. It is a general concept I am talking about.
If I were really putting down women, then I would have agreed to not expecting good from in-laws and specially MIL who happens to be a woman also you know! :)
Today's DIL is possibly tomorrows MIL.
What if todays DIL hears this rom her DIL in future: You know I do not expect anything good from you!
How would she feel then? Think about it!
Its not about good only! Its about good and/or bad. ANY expectations.
Do your best, prepare for the worst and dont expect anything.
What is wrong with that?
Re: a gud daughter in law....
You say having expectation is good but then do not want any preconceived ideas in a woman's mind. Hm.
Here is the thing diwana. In any in-law situation, a woman cannot control anything...but herself. She cannot change people or alter behavior. What she can do is control her own behavior and keep her expectation next to nothing because if they're not met (even if they're good) it breeds disappointment. Say you did something nice and no one acknowledges it. If it were your own parents, you could say "mom, dad, you guys didnt even notice what i did". DOES ANY WOMAN DARE SAY THESE THINGS TO HER MIL? If she does, "dekho zara sa kaam karke naam karne ki koshish karrahi hai...maan baap ne bigara huwa hai". Now, if she hadnt expected acknowledgement...she wouldnt have been disappointed AND could have been saved all of the above.
Its not about good only! Its about good and/or bad. ANY expectations.
Do your best, prepare for the worst and dont expect anything.
What is wrong with that?
Sorry, I meant preconceived bad ideas.
Not having good expectatiion is also a preconceived bad idea IMHO.
Your example may fit on bad in laws, not ALL in laws. So one should not generalize.
We do good to our parents, no matter they acknowledge it or not. We still do it. right?
So why worry about MIL? That is what I am saying.
We should not do good to be acknowledged, we should do good to be good. Period. All rewards come thereafter.
Besides, it is not fair to have relationship started with in laws specially MIL and be prejudiced. Like I said, his mother should be as respected as her and vice versa.
Husband should have same attitude by the way. Her mother is HIS mother and should be well respected and he should expect her mother to be good also.
Re: a gud daughter in law…
I gave an example diwana. 
Anyway. What you say is idealistic. Realistically, we all do things and say things that can be immature or not exactly to our parents’ liking. But our parents still love us. Our in-laws wont. That is the difference.
Who said its prejudiced? Having no expectations is not prejudice…its freedom from having to worry about them at all. Its much easier this way. I can do my best and leave the rest to Allah swt. Inlaws ko acha lagey, great! If not, at least I know I did what I could.
Re: a gud daughter in law…
And I said your example is valid.. only to bad in laws.
No. In laws can be forgivng. Trust me. If one (man or woman) goes in to new family like a family member, assimilate in them, then forgiveness can also be earned.
Prejudice means separating own parents from in laws. Not good.
Don’t marry in to other person (man or woman) family if suspicious or even indifferent. Give a chance to in laws to show good.
Agree with last sentence there.
Re: a gud daughter in law....
diwana, no one will be at the same level as our own parents...no one.
Re: a gud daughter in law....
.
Its not about good only! Its about good and/or bad. ANY expectations.
Do your best, prepare for the worst and dont expect anything.
What is wrong with that?
diwana, no one will be at the same level as our own parents...no one.
reha wats wrong with ur opinion is that u should bring an angel from skies to do best & bear worst & expect nothing!
one side u say in-laws r not ur parents then how u expect a DIL feel them as her own parents?
any & every relation is both side...even love rather wat some ppl say in romance mood is all abt give & take if not that doesnt mean love that u do all & one side do the worst then after a year or two or more u will fed up...wat u say is only in Allah's love that bear all of our bad deeds & still care us but no human beings can bear....even Prophets of allah's tala used to do bad dua when ppl were teasing too much or start fighting so means no one cant do best & bear worst!
cuz u marry doesnt mean u r nothing & in-laws respect r main thing cuz they r hubby's parents & with a feeling dont expect them cuz they r not ur own!
in my own idea any ppl in world it want be anyone(expect blood parents) will deserve respect as she gives u...needs care as he cares u...
sometimes may balance will change for a while ,like im not always too much good but in a long time balanace should be there atleast 60-40 or 70-30 less than that wont keep a relation healthy cuz one side will fed up & it will be over!
IN-laws r as human as a DIL is....elders need respect its else doesnt mean watever they do we say ok u r elder even if they r wrong...for small issues its ok but always & ever u cant do it...
if u can then im surprised for whole life????
Re: a gud daughter in law…
Oh gosh…
Respect is earned. But we don’t live in a perfect world. You can respect someone…and still be treated like sh$t by them.
Nobody is saying that one shouldn’t respect their in-laws. But one should have reasonable expectations/umeedain. It can’t be denied (and…this will make a “whoosh” sound)…that there is a difference or a faraq between your actual maa/baap…and people who are “maa/baap jaisay.” The dynamics are different…(another whoosh).
Re: a gud daughter in law....
reha wats wrong with ur opinion is that u should bring an angel from skies to do best & bear worst & expect nothing!
one side u say in-laws r not ur parents then how u expect a DIL feel them as her own parents?
Hunh? You need to read my posts carefully.
Inlaws will never be your own parents. That is a fact. My mother and father did all the work, they get the credit.
My MIL gets respect, care, attention and whatever support she needs from us. Thats enough. Do I expect anything in return? No. Do I expect her to say thanks? No. Do I expect her to buy me gold for my wedding? No. Do I care? No. I did my best, the rest is in Allah's hands.
When you go to your parents' home and do something good or bad...you dont think twice about it because its your parents' home. They will love you even if you turned green, grew purple hair and had fangs. Even when we do things that hurt them, they forgive us. Your mother and father are the only people in the world with that capability. No one else possesses it. And because of that, no one else deserves their darja in your life.
When you go to your inlaws' home...I dont understand why people think it might be the same. Inlaws already had their kids, you think they were looking for more when they married you to their son? If you screw up every single day, do you think your MIL will brush it to the side saying "chalo koi baat nahin, beti hai meri...ghaltiyan yahan nahin karegi to aur kahan karegi". No way. She will say "beta, apni ammi se kaho ke tumko dhang ki roti banana sikha dein"...with a smile of course because after all...vo to bilkul maan jaisi hein na. :)
There is a difference that should be noted so we dont set ourselves up for failure. Your expectations from your inlaws need to be realistic otherwise you are in for a very rough ride.
Re: a gud daughter in law....
Your expectations from your inlaws need to be realistic otherwise you are in for a very rough ride.
so if we extend this logic a bit further...
and what about expectations from your spouse??
you can respect him, do all things as required, be nice, be obedient......but do not expect much from him......... now if you do that.....wouldn't your married life be better too?
i mean, if you don't much expect much from your husband, you wouldn't have much to complain about too.....
do you agree?