Re: a driker, smoker, drugz
If you feel comfortable with the guy, don't worry about it too much. People change. And I know many such guys who did majorly crazy stuff before marriage and are now fantastic husbands.
Knows its not right, wants to take this opportunity to stop this "stupid and immature" habit.
'this opportunity' = marriage to you??
If he needs a marriage or a good wife to get rid of his stupid and immature habits, then sorry to say, the guy is not a good candidate.
I would want to start off as a partner and friend to my husband and then be more to my husband, as and when time demands. If I were you, I would not take (these types of ) additional responsibilities right in the beginning of the relationship...(such as helping him get rid of his habit) and therefore, tilt the scales.
The situation would be different if he had already given up all three of his habits.
My initial thought is wow, what an honest person. Does he hold down a good and steady job?
You know, in the west, social drinking is almost a given. No big deal to have a beer or 2 with friends. I realize that its a huge no-no in Islaam but kept to social proportions, it doesnt mean that the guy is going to melt down in a rehab center.
So he went thru a period of experimenting...as a good number of young people do in the west. It sounds like he's done with it, is open about it and wants to go on to live a mature family life. So much better than the guy who sneaks out to do these things and never admits to it.
I really admire his open honesty...
I guess u r right. Only a handuful would vomit such a confession. It takes courage.
On the other hand..... now that he has confessed, and seem to be on the right track... is he good enough or are u strong enough to go ahead with the relationship... well... here's where the risk lies. I think sometimes u have to take such.
I guess u r right. Only a handuful would vomit such a confession. It takes courage.
On the other hand..... now that he has confessed, and seem to be on the right track... is he good enough or are u strong enough to go ahead with the relationship... well... here's where the risk lies. I think sometimes u have to take such.
SO wait a second here..so this means I can do whatever I want.."experiment" and then see the "right path" by confessing when I get older.. this just seems odd..what to say that the person wont revert to his old ways?
Re: a driker, smoker, drugz
boi...on the same note, whats to say that one who has held to the "right path" will not stray at some point later in life? The thing I see is that this guy strayed and admitted to it. Thats admirable in my eyes. You think I'm defending improper behavior....not true. What I've been trying to put across is the fact that this guy admits to everything and knows right from wrong. Not many people I've ever met will admit to personal failures. And almost invariably, those who do admit to them turn out to be real gems.
boi...on the same note, whats to say that one who has held to the "right path" will not stray at some point later in life? The thing I see is that this guy strayed and admitted to it. Thats admirable in my eyes. You think I'm defending improper behavior....not true. What I've been trying to put across is the fact that this guy admits to everything and knows right from wrong. Not many people I've ever met will admit to personal failures. And almost invariably, those who do admit to them turn out to be real gems.
Well I'd think the chances of straying later on will be a lot higher if someone has already a history. For example, the chances of someone picking up smoking in later years is higher if they have smoked when they were young as opposed to someone who has never smoked before.
ummm...the guy is no longer a drug user. He tried drugs when younger apparently. And "social drinking" means to have 1 or 2 in a social setting and thats it...I'd not call that "heavy drinking". That would be when you drink till you puke.
oh you amatuers..heavy drinking is not just puking, its getting your stmoach pumped to prevent alcohol poisoning, having blackouts so you have no or limited recollection of what you did, when your relationships and life suffers, when there is addiction etc.
puking because you had a few too many happens to a lot of people who are social drinkers, drinking something that you did not think was strong and it takes you over your tolerance, mixing of two diff types of alcoholic beverages also does a number on some people.
as far as 'trying' drugs..a lot of people do that, not all will come forward and say yes the experimented with it, but they are ppl who tried a few joints here and there, never were junkies and turned out allright.
'this opportunity' = marriage to you??
If he needs a marriage or a good wife to get rid of his stupid and immature habits, then sorry to say, the guy is not a good candidate.
I would want to start off as a partner and friend to my husband and then be more to my husband, as and when time demands. If I were you, I would not take (these types of ) additional responsibilities right in the beginning of the relationship...(such as helping him get rid of his habit) and therefore, tilt the scales.
The situation would be different if he had already given up all three of his habits.
this opportunity to the guy may mean moving to a new phase in his life.
I dont think he is saying that he would need her help in doing so, is he?
giving up social drinking is not a tough thing, its less physical and more of a
giving up social drinking is like giving up eating donuts, at some point you realize it is doing a number on your waist and heart and you just stop doing it.
let us not confuse the terms social drinker with alcoholic, very diff thinsg and very diff inssues in trying to give up.
Re: a driker, smoker, drugz
as a side note...I have a cute story to relate. My hubby's grandma hated the fact that her husband sipped a scotch every night. So she set out to show him the error of his ways and make him very sorry. She took about a thimble full of scotch, wrote a goodbye letter to him, drank it down and then lay down on her bed and waited to die. lol!! Nothing happened other than her falling asleep perhaps more easily and having this story to pass down lol! She really thought that it would kill her.
Re: a driker, smoker, drugz
while i dont think smoking/drinking/drugs makes anyone a bad husband, it is stupid to marry someone hoping that they'll change. marry someone whose current lifestyle matches what you desire. its arranged anyway, there is no excuse not to shop wisely.
lots of teens experiemtn with drugs and never go near them again when they get older.
wha t is the big deal
but the social drinking and the smoking are current so i don<t know this is a tuff one. your parents might have problems with htis. bcs parents are picky cause htey want the best for the kids.
Re: a driker, smoker, drugz
There are always a load of IF's involved... So ....
SO wait a second here..so this means I can do whatever I want.."experiment" and then see the "right path" by confessing when I get older.. this just seems odd..what to say that the person wont revert to his old ways?
Even god forgives, just because someone made wrong choices at some time in his life does not mean he cant sort his life out later.
its not doing anything you want with a plan to repent later, but ppl stray, due to various reasons, company/friends, understanding/misunderstanding, and later they realize hmmm that was not the smartest thing to do, and atthat point want to make a change.
Well I'd think the chances of straying later on will be a lot higher if someone has already a history. For example, the chances of someone picking up smoking in later years is higher if they have smoked when they were young as opposed to someone who has never smoked before.
On the other hand someone can say if one gave up a vice becase he came to terms with teh fact that it was wrong, then he has seen the right and wrong much closer and may be less likely to do it again because he has been there.
again we are not talkign about someone with a chemical depencency issue and relapse, but someone who drinks socially because at one point in time he made the wrong decision that it was okay to do so, and is not realizing that he made a wrong choice and wants to stop doing it.
Re: a driker, smoker, drugz
So he used to smoke…but quit
he did drugs…but quit
Talk about will power, he should be a motivational speaker then 
Even god forgives, just because someone made wrong choices at some time in his life does not mean he cant sort his life out later.
its not doing anything you want with a plan to repent later, but ppl stray, due to various reasons, company/friends, understanding/misunderstanding, and later they realize hmmm that was not the smartest thing to do, and atthat point want to make a change.
On the other hand someone can say if one gave up a vice becase he came to terms with teh fact that it was wrong, then he has seen the right and wrong much closer and may be less likely to do it again because he has been there.
again we are not talkign about someone with a chemical depencency issue and relapse, but someone who drinks socially because at one point in time he made the wrong decision that it was okay to do so, and is not realizing that he made a wrong choice and wants to stop doing it.
Well ofcourse, there is forgiveness for perhaps even the henious of acts let alone just drinking. But on the other hand, there's also personal responsiblity. If I can just the "pls forgive, I have erred" route out of everything, whats stopping me or anyone to do what ever they want? So there have to be consequences for your actions, I just dont buy the "Im sorry" excuse.
And no he doesnt have any chemical dependency, but the chances of this guy reverting to his past (drugs etc) is a lot higher than someone who has never taken drugs.
Well ofcourse, there is forgiveness for perhaps even the henious of acts let alone just drinking. But on the other hand, there's also personal responsiblity. If I can just the "pls forgive, I have erred" route out of everything, whats stopping me or anyone to do what ever they want? So there have to be consequences for your actions, I just dont buy the "Im sorry" excuse.
And no he doesnt have any chemical dependency, but the chances of this guy reverting to his past (drugs etc) is a lot higher than someone who has never taken drugs.
The difference is whether you are doing something wrong with a plan to just seek forgiveness later...or whether you are doign something wrong out of personal weakness, errors whatever and at some point realize you were wrong and want to make a change.
The consequences for his actions are between him and Allah, just like consequences of any of our actions are between us and Allah. and he may be forgiven for wrong choices of the past or he may not be forgiven.
and as far as drug users go, all of them were non drug users at some point in time:)
The difference is whether you are doing something wrong with a plan to just seek forgiveness later...or whether you are doign something wrong out of personal weakness, errors whatever and at some point realize you were wrong and want to make a change.
The consequences for his actions are between him and Allah, just like consequences of any of our actions are between us and Allah. and he may be forgiven for wrong choices of the past or he may not be forgiven.
and as far as drug users go, all of them were non drug users at some point in time:)
Right, but if there are no consequnces for your actions, then there will be a lot more folks intendeing on doing sthing and asking for forgiveness later.
And ofcourse, all were non drug users at some point. But taking the first step is the biggest thing. Just like the second sip of alchoal is much easier as compared to first.
I agree with Mamaof3 on just about everything she said above.
He was honest....I would give him credit for that. At least you know what you are up against. Some people ....in fact MOST desi/muslim people wont tell you about their past or current habits/experiences. It is only until after marriage that you find out about their bad habits.
The past is the past....most teenagers and young adults experiment with different things be it drugs, alcohol, cigs, sex, dating, etc. It does not mean that they are a druggie, alcoholic etc. Many give up soon after trying it and others dont. Like mamaof3 said....who is to say that the non-experimental man that you marry wont want to experiment later on in life? I know some couples who have tried out things together after marriage....whos to say he wont want to do that?
Personally, I wouldnt want my marriage to start off on the wrong foot. I woud want it to be in the right path according to my beliefs. However I wont judge a man based on his past because it isnt necessary that his past behaviors will effect his future negatively.
Look at some key traits that he has.....the things that you are looking for in a spouse and go with that. Get to know him...dont rush into it. Hang out with him and his friends if possible.....see how he acts with them. Get to know his buddies....you can learn a lot about a guy by the friends he keeps.
this opportunity to the guy may mean moving to a new phase in his life. I dont think he is saying that he would need her help in doing so, is he? giving up social drinking is not a tough thing, its less physical and more of a
giving up social drinking is like giving up eating donuts, at some point you realize it is doing a number on your waist and heart and you just stop doing it.
let us not confuse the terms social drinker with alcoholic, very diff thinsg and very diff inssues in trying to give up.
good point...social drinking can easily be given up. It basically means he is just doing it for the heck of it and not because he NEEDS it.
yes ofcourse, freaks are everywhere. Duh! That poster was making light fact out of drugs and dribking. I just called that out since unlike western culture, we dont tolerate heavy drinking, drugs use etc.
No one is making light of it. On the other hand, you are going on too much about it.
Actually, Pakistani culture tolerates a whole lot of irresponsible behavior nowadays...drinking...drugs...adultery...you. So please...keep the generalizations about any culture to a minimum.