No one is making light of it. On the other hand, you are going on too much about it.
Actually, Pakistani culture tolerates a whole lot of irresponsible behavior nowadays...drinking...drugs...adultery...you. So please...keep the generalizations about any culture to a minimum.
So you're saying that pakistani culture has the same tolerance for drinking, drugs etc as western? umm.. NO..and if you disagree..then thats fine..no need to argue further cuz i dont have the will nor the patience. To each thier own. Thanks.
So you're saying that pakistani culture has the same tolerance for drinking, drugs etc as western? umm.. NO..and if you disagree..then thats fine..no need to argue further cuz i dont have the will nor the patience. To each thier own. Thanks.
LOLZ. Boii.............Psquared NEVER said that Pakistani culture has the SAME OR EQUAL tolerance for drinking, drugs, as the West.
All she said was *"Actually, Pakistani culture tolerates a whole lot of irresponsible behavior." **Where do you see the word *"same" *being used in her post? The answer is nowhere. In fact the idea of *"same" **is not even being implied by her.
All she is saying is that Pakistan does tolerate (the extent of toleration is not being discussed here).......many ills in their society that besides drinking and doing drugs. It's not like alcohol is completely banned in Pakistan. And there are issues in Pakistan even **WORSE **than alcohol and drugs that are tearing at the moral fabric of Pakistani society on a daily basis.
If i found out about this stuff i would say no straight away.
Everyone deserves a second chance, if someone is truly sorry allah forgives so why shouldnt we.
But i dont trust that fact he is saying 'i am going to change now'. It shound like bull**** to me.
At uni i see lots of muslim guys who go out clubbing and drinking and have sex with random girls and then next day they say im going to stop now but what do they do next night the same thing.
If he was a completely different person now maybe i would give him a chance, but until he stops and changes his lifestyle i would say no.
You dont know if he is just talking rubbish, you dont want him to charm you with his words then after marriage he is having a drinks with friends.
I know these guys i am friends with guys like these, and once you pop its very very very hard to stop, my best friend used to drink he doesnt anymore but when he goes out with friends he is extremely tempted and he feels one day he mightfall again.
I believe everyone deserves a second chance and if we start judging people based on their past then we might as well start by judging ourselves first.
No one here is perfect and Im sure no one would want to get shot down because of something he/she had done in their long-ago past. Let it go people...lets progress and try to move forward. We are so critical with one another it amazes me and then not so much when I look at the condition of our country and Muslims as a whole.
Rishta proposal, nice guy, chilled out easy goin....on the surface seems like a normal person!
After a month, during a conversation tells hes a social drinker, used to smoke not any more apparently, and tried drugs when in his teens.
Any thoughts??? I have been told by my friends to just see how he is over a short period of time n then think about deciding anything
Why arrange marriages work in pakistan ??
Every boy/girl is clone of some another girl/boy. They are all the same!! We don;t have individuality at all!!!
Way marriage are done in pak is; you got find out that
1- father is not a serial killer
2-boys it not a serial killer and Butt-ugly.
If they are not mubaik it a good match.
Now what is freaking you out here is that boy admitted his little variation from accepted norm. Apparently you don't have a moral issue with him drinking.
So all you got to do is spend some more time with him. That way the fear you developed, of him being little different, would go away.
When guy is telling you about his bad habit that could mean 2 things.
1-He wants to continue it.(bad thing)
2-He sees it as mistake he made.(good thing)
When a woman tell you some thing weird that only mean one thing
1-She asking your permission to continue stupidity.
Indeed. Yes, from what I have seen...in the east the parties are usually divided into mens tent and womens tent. The men drink till they either puke or pass out. Denying that they're drinking and attempting to hide the fact from the women.
In the west, people can (and do) have a beer or a cocktail and stop there.
Really, I find that quite hard to believe due to what I have seen in my life spent here.
I don't think you should go ahead with it because youre clearly uncomfortable with the idea. As many people have said above, yes people can change and can kick dirty habits like drinking =/smoking/drugs etc but the fact that he has already involved himself in such activities would put me off. You seem like a lovely girl, and I'm sure you'll find a rishta better suited to you, as will he. Maybe a girl who's gone through a similiar past. Definitly consult your parents on the matter and see what they say. Maybe also do ishtikara or consult an imaam. But if you have any doubts just say no. To build a relationship on a 'I will change' is a huge risk, and I think you already know that.
I think i have the similar tihnking process as X2 on this matter. "opportunity" bit was as X2 said it as next phase of life, gettin married n raisin a family rather than being a single n party lover.
To be honest, i am clueless at this given time.I am not comfortable with these habits or way of livestyle, I have lived away for uni and i have had my fair share of freedom but it didnt mean i indulged myself in these experiments cos from day 1, i knew it was wrong. None the less we all have skeletons in the cupboards, I have no idea how much he drinks, i.e couple here or there or having full sessions with his friends.
I fully apprecaite his honesty, to which he said, im not gaining anything by tellin you all this. After meeting me he felt this could be sumthin gud and take it further but wanted to come clean.
Im not sure about tellin my family, cos I know they wont even give it a second thot, but i have to be realistic here, like i mentioned in my original post, how woudl i know the next person isnt what he is pretendin to be i.e goody two shoes.
and secondly by tellin my family would mean this gettin back to his family, which is not really fair on him, what he does is between him n God, who am i to expose him.
GD, if you worry and are uncomfortable, then just tell the guy and your family that he's a nice guy but not the one you want to marry, he's not a good fit, etc. No need to tell those personal details right?
As far as other potential rishtas, yes it can be hard to figure out whether they tell you the truth or not. Do you (or parents) ask outright, point blank about these things? You should. You should ask anything thats important to you! And when you ask outright "Do you have you ever drank alcohol", you should be able to get an idea of whether the answer is truthful or not by their reaction, expression etc.
Best of luck! and please do let us know how things are going!
I cant even believe that some people here think its ok if a man has had a few bears ! if only you muslims knew how big the punishment is for Alchohol
I would say , this rishta is nothing but a huge risk. If you are of a religious mindset or even value Islam in your life, you would be extremely careful of those who break the basic code of conduct .. he might be honest, he might want to change … if he really wanted he would have left it all rather then telling you the stories of how he wants to change and blah blah … very few people do ..
If you are however one of those modern individuals who dont really care if a person had one down or two on alchohol, well its definitely worth giving him a chance then .. who knows he might change.
CB....perhaps not everyone here is Muslim yeah? I'm gori. Born and raised in USA. My dad, a very admirable navy-type, test pilot and aeronautical engineer, baseball and football coach, head of high school PTA booster club...would come home from work and have a scotch every night. He lived a full and prosperous life and was honored by all who knew him. His nightly cocktail in no way detracted from all he was or all that he accomplished.
I realize that drinking is very haraam for Muslims. But not everyone is Muslim and not everyone who has had a drink of alcohol ends up needing a rehab center.
M03, my message was only for the muslims .. because for us its more than haram to even consider one tiny bit of alchohol.
however for non muslims , I have no issues with them doing what they are doing … coz the religion cant be imposed on them ..
For muslims , its not a matter of how much will one drink and end up in Rehab. its much more then that. Its about character. Its about the way of life. A man does not end up being a womanizer if he sleeps with a protitute once ! its about the code of conduct that he breaks with every adventure of his !
PS : By the way , I wasnt pointing at you at all my dear .. I wrote to highlight people’s opinions … nothing personal
ah! ok, I see! Some of the previous posts made it sound like anyone who ever had a beer or two would end up in rehab due to alcohol abuse lol....thats the point that I've been trying to address....
but that wasnt really the issue at hand was it. It sounds more like the issue is such a dire violation of Islaam and if one makes such a dire violation and treats it as not such a big deal then this is a huge character flaw in addition to a huge violation of religious law.
if you are not comfortable with his past…then you will never be. It’s best to move on.
CB no one here ever said that it is OK to drink. From what i read the majority here is saying that people do it…but that doesnt mean they will continue to for the rest of their lives.
I have seen guys who transformed into religious beings after marriage and then I have seen the opposite as well. You never really know what you are getting either way. it’s a risk no matter what…but you have to take it..right?
No one is an angel…if the past is the past then I dont see what the issue is.
ah! ok, I see! Some of the previous posts made it sound like anyone who ever had a beer or two would end up in rehab due to alcohol abuse lol....thats the point that I've been trying to address....
but that wasnt really the issue at hand was it. ** It sounds more like the issue is such a dire violation of Islaam and if one makes such a dire violation and treats it as not such a big deal then this is a huge character flaw in addition to a huge violation of religious law.**
mamaof3 its not about the fact he is drinking an x amount of alcohol.
Its more about the fact he hasnt shown the strength of charachte that the opening poster has.
SHe was away from home for uni and she wasnt compelled do drink as in islam it is not considered to be right.
I dont think having a glass of wine makes you a bad person, would i marry a non-muslim who drinks but then decided to change and become muslim-yes
would i marry a muslim who drinks-no
how about a muslim guy who used to drink but doesnt anymore?
it really depends on the girl herself...if she is steadfast in her religious beliefs then yes of course she should marry a man that is the same otherwise there will be major issues within the marriage.
i think your friends,your company plays an important role in it...if u r at some party all are drinking including some of desi boys and girls u see them drinking smoking dancing .. u start drinking smoking dancing as well may b u dont like drinking but u forced to drink because may b it was a neeed(TAKAZA) of that PARTY OR IMVIORMENT ...also u dont wana show them u r so narrow minded or paindu.....some does just for fun...
but my personal belive is we r muslims we shoudnt do all this and ofcourse your upbringing the values u got from home does play a role in such situations..i have couisns they r born bred in uk and usa yet they dont indulge in such stuff and they literally see such things with a bad eye..they do go in such paries because soem are business parties and offical meetinsg ...still they are holding their values very tightly
when u say to him that stop drinking and drugs he might found u conservative or narrow minded..say u paindu that u say bad to these things...some people find such things cool and moderen..
i tell u about one of my friend her husband use to drink and going to some elite parties where DESI women dont mind kissing on cheeks mingling dancing with their husband's friends or other na mehrams and dont mind wearing revealing and provocating clothes ...she always get annoyed with his nasty things ....
then i dont know what exactly happened with her..she also adopted that cultutue :(..she starts drinking in social gethrings..starts smoking in occasianally
i know she always minded very badly whem any male tried to shake hands with her but now she wont mind greet na mahrams with hugs...may be her husband forced him to do such stuff or she might adopted her self as she dont wana look paindu to her hubby because....i remember one day she told me her hubby gives her example to some girls and some wives of his friends that look them ..how moderen and stylish they are may b thats why she chanaged her(dosri larkioon ko dekh dekh k woh bhi shayd yeh sub karne pe majboor hogayii..)by the way she is in states...
so i wish u changed him and pray u never indulge in such things with but who knows one day u also holding a glass of wine along with your hubbyy...
imviorment does count....dekh dekh k app adhi hojate hain specilaly when u r living in west where these things are so comon and ppl dont mind doing it and then ap us ko bura smajhna chor dete hain .kharboze ko dekh k kharboza rang badal hi leta hai :(
