Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
alright...but fyi saying something in a different way does not change its meaning...think about it...lol
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
There's depression within her and some problems. She might soon start distancing herself away from you all. I say you and her go back to Pak together for a short visit only, it will help both you and her in improving the situation. She will get to see and absorb more then what you can make her understand.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
… play the role of a listener and have her talking. Observe her words, she might say it indirectly why she is rebelling. She still has the chance to get back on the right track, may God help you both. Ameen 
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
So many replies, but perusing through some of the comments, I cannot say that the brother (fuv whatever the name is) should be blamed for providing her tools like the cell phone and ipod. They were given with good intentions, and she misused them. So that's a mistake she made, but I don't think its the end of the world.
And secondly, I think its a bit harder for a brother to digest the fact that his sister is having "hormonal" feelings. Its actually VERY NORMAL and VERY HEALTHY to have these feelings, so lets not treat this girl like she is some whore. That's just being unfair to her, because her behavior is due to simple biology.
Third, please understand that by taking her to Pakistan you might not help her. I have no idea what Pakistan some of you have seen and experienced, but I can tell you ALMOST EVERY teenager/young adult in Pakistan in urban areas is experimenting with lude behavior in some way or the other. Again, I don't think this is a terrible thing. What's terrible is people have to hide their relationships because some bloody nosy aunty will comment on it and ruin the girl's (usually the boys escape scratch free) reputation. Someone said it might be worth looking into which boy she's dating and perhaps appraoch him or find out more about him. Maybe he's a good guy, and God Forbid if a girl actually find some match on her own.
Fourth, many of the problems you have outlined are not that big of a deal. Lots of muslims do not wear a hijaab. Do you want to shove it down her throat, because the risk is she might just convert out of Islam out of sheer exhuastion from falling all nitty gritty rules that she finds to be too hard on her. Its better you be a bit flexible in what behaviors you expect her to adhere to, instead of asking too much of her. If you're flexible, she'll come into your hands. If you're too strict, she's going to rebel. Whether abroad or in Pakistan. Lots of Pakistanis these days are rebelling. Hate to say it, but part of the problem might be you and your parents who expect her to follow rigid Islamic rules. There are plenty of moderate muslims (more moderate than your family), and it could be of some use to show her that she can be a muslim and still have a life. She can go out. She can ditch the hijab. She can have girlfriends (platonic), and boy type friends (not same as boyfriends). But compromise. Let her take the hijab off if she promises not to wear short skirts. Let her hang out with guys and have them over the house as long as she promises not to get physical with them. Stuff like that. Its hard for a muslim family to do, but its better than losing the girl entirely.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
^ you go girl! Rock on PyariCGudia!
I agree with everything you said.
Only thing is the brother needs to have everything very clear in his mind before he talks to his sister, so he will be convincing and honest.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
Rigid islamic rules? Cud u care to explain? What islamic things do u find to hard to follow and therefore acceptable to not? Proper muslims know that befriending people of the opposite sex no matter how good the intention always leads to other things thats why they don't. Moderate muslims? There is no such thing...people only use that when they wanna say i am a muslim but i dont pray, or i drink, or am sexually active, dont want to follow the teachings etc. you know to fit in with the kafirs. Girls like u only reassure me how girls become when they are submerged in western society.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
^ You cant' force someone to follow religion, no matter how easy/simple/etc it is, you simply cannot force someone to follow.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
Thats fine, but im saying he shud at least make sum effort to bring her back to right path otherwise he will also be held responsible for her sins. He can't just say o well, its not my problem, cuz when sum1 has a problem u do sumthing. Ne way Its funny how some "muslims" end up blaming islam directly or indirectly for their or sum1 elses actions. Strict rigid rules of Islam making the girl rebel, therefore u shud become "moderate."
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
Strict, rigid enforcement of culture is what makes them rebel.
Strict, rigid enforcement of ANYTHING is what makes them rebel, period.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
Look at the scenario, She's not in a strict regid muslim family.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
Obviously she sees it differently else she wouldn't be leading a double life.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
I actually think the environment and the society she was brought up in caused the double life, a muslim can be corrupted quite easily in the west, and she wanted to hide that corruption from home cuz she knew what she was doing was wrong.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
Home environment plays a bigger role. I know kids who were/are given freedom, room to breathe, to have friends, to talk to their parents about anything, they felt loved and didn't have to hide anything they were doing and they never ended up leading double lives.
Muslims can be corrupted ANYWHERE, if the parents are clueless/rigid, their kids will end up making mistakes and ruin thier lives.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
The condition of the Ummah is bound to get worse and worse until of course Imam Mahdi arrives where ur either a kafir or a proper muslim. So things on course.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
Pakistan is not the solution. Repression will have the opposite effect than that intended. Do not try to stop her. It is everyone's prerogative to explore their identity and find who they are, even if it means premarital sex and athiesm. It's just a phase, don't try to stop its natural progression.
Give her responsibility for herself (you as her brother are not responsible for her) - make her get a job, even kick her out. I moved out at that time and trust me, it worked like a charm.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
Do not beat her. It will only stem hatred in her for u and everyone else. A person will not listen from beatings but will fight to get out. If u beat her it will give her the excuse to leave u all. Pip x
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
I discussed the issue with mom. Told her my worries. Told her that i have started a topic amongst an online community of expat Pakistanis to fish for some answers about this dilemma and to gauge whether this really falls under my responsibility or not.
I will talk to my sister this week and explain to her point by point why it is that we think her actions are not right. I am going to have to embarrass her a little and make her feel guilty and responsible for her actions and consequences. I am also going to explain to her why her mother has been on her back all that time and that she is not a devil. I will also tell her that it is due to her actions that our family is splitting now and we are having to move to PK. I personally think my mother would not have pushed for moving to PK if it was not for her loose behaviour. Heck my parents were even looking for universities over here when she would get out of college. I am also going to take away her mobile and ipod on a promise that she will get them back eventually if she comes clean. I'll explain that those so called "friends" aren't really worth it and their actions give her more air to flame the fire which will for sure lead her to hell. Though her actions are explainable as a cause of biology, it still is no excuse to ditch your vales as you step out of the house, and im sure anyone with an ounce of "gairat" will do the same and try to warn and stop her. "Gairat" is a word which the western values lack.
I think a change of environment will be a good thing for her. Though i remain doubtful that an all girls college will do her any good, especially if it is a place where the elites gather. Taking her back to PK will not solve this situation i know that, but it diverts her from the path she is on now. For now it is the best solution. At least the Ostrich family is finally taking their heads out of sand for a change. Regretfully, due to the lack of empathy from dad, we will keep him out of this, but i will be giving my sister my full assurance that if her actions don't change for good, the next talk will be directly from her father and that she should then expect more than just a talk from which i am shielding her now as a friend. You all are right in speculating that this family has more issues than this which stem from other sources. (explanation for which requires a whole new topic and it is a story you all have heard already anyways).
For those thinking that we forced our will on her, i think it was necessary. She is leading a false life, a life of lies. For all i know, she may grow to become a pathological liar. Even that isn't worst than what she is becoming now. I mentioned hijab, but it was a scarf that she was asked to use to cover her head. When she took it off she wasn't even asked again why she took it off. This isn't about taking or putting hijab. Its about her changing into a totally different person as she steps out of the house.
Also, thanks all for your replies. I have been reading all your posts, even some of you gave predictable answers. I don't expect overnight changes so it could a while to know if i really made an impact or not. Lets hope she sees the light and comes back to within her limits.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
Best of luck :)
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
I think sending/taking her back to Pakistan won't change much..but rest is in the hands of Allah swt.Take it as a test from Allah swt..do lot of sabr..and act wisely.Everyone should show her their best akhlaq..and make lot of ikram for her..talk about akhirah alot infront of her.You know whenever our Prophet Mohammad saw faced any problem..then he asked for help at first from Allah swt..by salaat..dua.So seek Allah's help in any situation by making salaah.Read two rakat nafl of salaatul hajat , tahajjud and beg infont of Allah swt, HE is the sole knower and doer of everything.May Allah help you and make things easy for you with afiyah(ameen).May Allah give all of us hidayah.
Re: A Dilemma, and my responsibility
i personally know a girl who was in the same situation as your sister and you know what? her parents did the exact same thing-they sent her back to Pakistan for a year. She went to a al-huda college/univ and she came back as a completely different person. It worked for her so i dunno maybe u should too look into that. also, they dont just brain wash people as many people assume, they really do instill islamic vallues into you. she has been clean for 2 years now (ever since she came back from there) ...