Hello readers,
Im stuck in a dilemma and need an outside view on the situation. Please give serious responses.
I come from a medium to high status family. We are not elite. Dad is very educated working at an international company and mom just a housewife. Our family is moderately religious. Dad makes everyone pray, we observe fasts, don’t drink, dont socialize a lot. I often joke with my mother that we live like orthodox Jews, and even they have more fun than us. But we have the freedom to wear what we want as long as it is within the limits. We listen to music, watch movies etc all is good as long as its within the line. Get an allowance from dad every month in our bank accounts. Our parents basically took us abroad like many other Pakistanis so we could get a good education. They want the best for us but also want us to stick to our identities.
My parents can best be described as ostriches. They will run after you flapping their wings if you approach them direct but otherwise they enjoy keeping their heads buried in sand even if a flood is imminent and sometimes even when a pink elephant is nearby. I was always afraid that the flood is getting nearer and now i see the levies are breaking. What do parents know in this age of myspace msn and mobile phones? They cant even decipher an sms let alone know what the term “BJ” stands for. They dont even know that Daniella is Daniel and Joey is Joe.
It turns out my sister has been living a double life. That’s nothing new if you are in the west. We all oscillate between our real life and an image of what we are supposed to be when we step outside. She is 17 and you know how 17 year olds are. Even i have done my share of crushes and ogling over Indian film stars during my days. Even i used to hang around in the chat rooms of Yahoo. But that was that and thankfully i grew out of it and am well beyond it. During all that I never engaged in anything which my parents would find objectionable. I always knew what was in my rights and what was wrong for me to do and when i was doing something wrong i knew my limits too and stayed within them. I went through high school as well yet kept my slate clean. Not a finger touched me and neither did mine crept out on some one’s shoulders.
We were always worried about her since she was to enter her teens in a foreign land where the normal lifestyle of a high school going teenage is far from the identity that their parents want them to live with. To us she was still that young preteen girl that we used to play with and call names to make he cry. It seems she turned into a teen and then next day reached 17. She has been caught once red handed and several other times being suspicious on the phone with guys. Parents didn’t let her have a mobile phone but she went on a hunger strike. I convinced my parents that it would be OK since they can call her up if she is late or be in touch with her during her after school activities. But what good is a mobile phone when she is late and her phone remains busy. Why does she go to bed with the mobile under her pillow? She has girl friends at school. Most of them also teens. Around 16-18 probably and going through their heightened hormone periods as well. Bragging to her about the new guy they are dating this week. Or which “base they reached in the movie the other night”. Or which guy they are dieing to sleep with this term. They cant be blamed. Their lives are full of such freedoms. Ours have limits. Limits which we observe that form our identity. Without that identity, i probably would be wearing a spiky dog collar with mascara in my eyes but i don’t. I sailed though it and kept the water out of my boat. Unfortunately my sister did not respect those limits. Why could she?
One is defined by the company they keep. Naturally my sister is fighting for her position in the group of her friends, trying to remain cool, trying to fit in. Even i bought her an ipod against my parent’s wishes because Ive been to high school here and i know everything that a teenage goes though. Every time my parents denied her something i kind of felt guilty and thought she should have these freedoms that her friends enjoy. My parents dont know what peer pressure means for a teenager. Now her ipod is filled with Christina Aguilera, 50 cent, and those junaid jamshed tunes were probably deleted to make room for more garbage. Still its ok. She needs her freedom. But mom blames me for letting her have it.
But still my sister still pushed the envelop. Taking off her scarff as she reaches school, taking her shirt off to ease off into nice skinny garments, hanging out with bad company after school in the guise of extracurricular activities. No wonder she doesnt has any pakistani friends even though there were plenty at her school. Several times my mother has confiscated clothes from her, or little notes from her bag and but she still continued. My mother kept thinking it could be worst so she didnt confront her direct and i think she doesnt has the power to confront her but she made her life tough in other ways. She wont let her out with her friends too often but her friends are welcome to visit anytime. She tried to engage her in household stuff which my sister runs away from. I know its not her duty and im all up for women’s rights when it comes to such things. Even mom is helpless in having any effect on her other than making her angry and quite for the day. We later find out in a journal entry what her thoughts for the day were and what randevouz she was planning in the guise of going to see an old high school friend. Her friends asked why she doesn’t run away from home. According to her “i would, but i dunno afterwards i would feel guilty, and knowing my dad, he would never let me back in, not that i would want come in, but he would never come visit, or come to my wedding, and not let anyone from my family to come either”. At least she has some guilt left in her but guilt alone is not enough to stop the raging tide of hormones in a teenager.
My parents (by which i mean mom, dad still has his head in sand, but is waiting to strike with lightning and thunder) thought the best strategy for her would be to take her back to Pakistan. They think that getting away from west will solve their problems. If not solve the problems, it gives them more control over her and they think they can bore her to death in giving up her hormones. I keep telling them that this wont work. She is cheating with us now and moreover she is cheating and lying to herself living this double life. NOTHING will stop her from attracting the same company that she keeps here when she reaches Pakistan. Only difference is, she will be a labeled as a loose one and i fear will be abused. My parents mind clocks are stuck in the 80s of Zia’s Pakistan.
This move back to PK was basically prompted after mom discovered my sisters journals about a year ago and almost had a breakdown reading the kind of things she writes in them. She is beyond ‘making out’ and cuddling etc. We didnt tell her that we know what she writes since we want to know what she is up to. This is again an ostrich strategy that instead of communicating with her we kept it a secret and let her continue thinking its only a few months that she is out of high school then going to pak. Also it gives us a view into what she is doing which we would have otherwise. She was caught about the phone calls about 2 yrs ago and promised even cried to us that she was sorry and wont engage in anything like this. She lost her trust then, and it is evident from her journals that it took her no time to get out of that guilty phase. All those times she said she was running to her girl friend’s birthday party or a quick farewell to a friend, it turns out she was actually at a pool party, or going to see the latest crap that Hollywood had to offer. Her emails are a full testament to what she has been up to for the past one year. Her password was in the journal too. I know i should have read but she is my sister and my responsibility and i care for her. Knowing her character, its best to keep an eye on her. She abused the freedoms she was given and broke our trust. Now I feel like someone hit me really really hard on my head when i read some of her mails and saw the pictures she had in them. I dont have the heart to tell mom. I dont know what to do or what to say. I feel somewhat responsible that i never communicated with her, was there for her, didnt keep an eye on her. She was unlucky to have her growth in a time and place which is full of peer pressure, hook-ups, break-ups, what not… I too share the blame along with my parents.
Here is the final blow. Since my parents are taking her back and the departure date is coming near, my sister is trying to organize a final stunt with her gang. A party that may involve her doing what she thinks will be her only chance at it. Yes. She has a boyfriend. An idiot too high on hormones. I dont know what she sees in that freckle faced pimple laden nut whose emails are filled in her inbox. This is the third one as it turns out from her emails. She has done anything with him YET but i fear she may not be able to control herself. Her friends are pressuring her to have the party outside our house and mom will probably insist on keeping the party in house so she has an eye on everyone. This means that her guy friends cant come. But mom will give way under pressure and allow her to go with her friends even for an hour. An hour that will be too much. I think im gonna have to put my foot down on this.
I know going to Pakistan will not solve anything. She lacks a role model in her life since she is our only sister. She will attract like minded friends in PK even though my parents have decided to put her in a girls only college. What can be done about this? Wait until she reaches a marriageable age? Send her off with some guy who will reject her when he finds out the kind of character she leads? Let her find a likewise mind and take comfort in the fact that she is happy. What should i do? Am i fulfilling my responsibility? Is it even my responsibility or should i dump it on my non communicative ostrich for parents who knew how to have kids but not how to raise them?
I’ve seen so many of those cases, and the poor girls end up either like aunties, or totally with low self-esteem and with kids when they don’t want them, etc.