2011 Brides

Lifestyle Wedding, Fashion & Beauty
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Check out the thread BRIDAL PICS...You'll be hooked and it has some really good ideas for stylish wedding dresses. I still don't know what I'd like.

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My sentiments exactly… except for the difference that I come from a big family and his is smaller … but I am still not a fan of living with the inlaws. I feel like even if you have a good relationship with them before shaadi… that it may be a potential recipe for disaster due to conflicts of interest, constant potential of expectations, etc. It is just my personal opinion. Every situation I have seen - the new dulhan has to compromise. But never the other way around. It’s his parents… you have to respect them and its their house… so you have to respect that.. so it is a tough situation to be in. Luckily my fiance shares my sentiments and that is why we will get our own place InshAllah - but we will be living close to his parents. So it is a win win for everyone in my opinion :slight_smile:

Yikes! I think you were right in letting your fiance know how you felt … and your MIL seems very accomodating. It could have been a potential for a huge drama … but that did not happen so that is GREAT!!! I think with this in mind, even though you were disappointed with your eid outfit … you have less to worry about for your walima. They may let you choose it … and i think it is a good idea to wear stuff around them that is of your choice so that they can get a GOOD idea of what you like. Very smart :wink: InshAllah everything will be fine…

Omg - do u remember my Shaadi Prep List??? Its crazy that I am actually using it now!!!

And dude - my sentiments are with you spot on in regards to the fact that as much as we luv designer wear… it is kinda does not make sense to spend the money there when there are so many other super important things to spend money on. I think it is important to wear something you think is beautiful and what you like … but it doesn’t neccessarily have to be designer …

We think way too much alike … thats a good thing :hugz:

Dekhtain hain if either of us get to wear Rani Emaan… it might be out of my budget for walima and shaadi yaar. I am spending a huge budget to have quality pictures and video for both events… as well as nice venues.

btw: my walima jora that I discussed with you… i may have changed my mind a bit about it. lol.

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my birthday is 11/11/11 but i couldnt wait that long to get married!!

i got engaged november 2009, engagement party valentines day february 2010 and wedding is 18 february 2011!

im still struggling with importing my wedding dress, otherwise everything is ok

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yaaa.. my fiance and I are still figuring out the seprate living situation and deciding on how exactly it will work.. hmmm I get so frustrated about it sometimes....
thnxxx.. ur words really helped relieve some of my worries!

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Hello, ladies. I'd like to take this time to ask for some advice. Lately there has been some tension between me & the in-laws. I'd like your honest-to-God opinion on the situation. Caution: read when you’re bored. This post is very long!

My fiance's family is Bangladeshi. His mom doesn't speak much English or Urdu, so most communication between our families goes through my fiance's sister-in-law (SIL). Now, I get along great with the SIL- or so I thought, until recently. I thought she understood me & I could talk to her like a sister. Keep in mind that she's also a "bahu" of the house, not my fiance's sister. Now, I think it's safe to say that us pakistanis are kind of snobby about our clothes. Each one of us thinks we are a fashionista, am I wrong? I admit it, I am in the same boat. Even my mom can't shop for me, that's how picky I am. My fiance's entire family seems to have verrrrry different taste from anyone in my family. For the walima outfit & the clothes they are going to give me in my jahaiz, my mom and I are kind of scared of what we will find.

The problem started when I was searching for bridal outfits & didn’t like anything, but I absolutely FELL IN LOVE with an outfit that would not look as hot in any shade of red/pink. So I had it in mind for a walima outfit, but I couldn’t figure out how to ask my MIL if it’s ok for me to get that one. I was willing to buy it myself, but I didn’t tell anyone that. I only briefly mentioned to my SIL that I found a walima outfit that I really like, who assumed that this meant that I wanted to pick out my own outfit. This idea was just too unconventional for her. She complained about it to our MIL, and now their family thinks I’m being cheap & asking for them to buy me what I want, as if they just are a bank account. They think I’m taking the essence of the “gift” out of the whole process. Also, since my mom knows how different my SIL's taste in clothes is from mine, my mom advised me to give my SIL the contact info of a family friend who runs a clothing business b/c I love their stock of clothes. I would blindly trust anyone to go shopping for me through them. So I brought up the idea to my SIL one day & she got offended & never asked for the family friend’s contact info. She then called my MIL & told her that I want to do all of my own shopping, who do I think I am, when she got married she didn’t pick out her clothes, etc, etc. But I was only suggesting a vendor for her- not picking out my own outfits. Misunderstanding #1.

Also, my MIL has her heart set on a gorgeous jewelry set. My fiancé showed me the picture, and I absolutely love it. But it’s got rubies in it, so I was confused b/c rubies are red… typically the bride wears the jewelry her MIL gives her on the walima day, & I haven’t really seen ppl wear red on their walima. So I asked my fiancé if I was supposed to wear this on the walima (b/c sometimes you get jewelry in your jahaiz, so you don’t end up wearing it on either wedding day, right?). His mom said I could either wear it on the shadi or walima, but she wanted me to wear it on one of those days. Well, it’s red, and so is my outfit. I looove the set, & my family hasn’t gotten any jewelry yet, so it made sense to me to wear it on the shadi. I planned on buying jewelry to go with whatever the walima outfit would be. When my SIL asked me about it, I told her what I was thinking. She said there’s no way our MIL could have told me I’m allowed to wear it on the shadi b/c our MIL told her to get a walima outfit to match the set. Then, she lectured me about how disrespectful I will be if I don’t wear the set on the walima & how badly ppl will talk about me. I didn’t say anything, I just listened to the whole thing. I have no problem wearing it on the walima day, it’s just that I thought my MIL was cool with me wearing it on the shadi. She then told my MIL that I don't like the jewelry, which is why I don't want to wear it on the walima. And that she doesn't think that I am not going to wear any nice jewelry on my shadi day. (I don't know where she got these ideas from.) My SIL also misinterpreted like 10 other things from that conversation & called our MIL & complained to her about me. Now, how unfair is that? The way I see it, if she had a problem w/what I said, she still shouldn’t have gone to our MIL. I can’t even plead my case to my MIL b/c I don’t speak fluent Bengali. My fiancé is on my side about this whole thing, but I wish he didn’t have to be torn between me and his family. He is willing to defend me to the end, but I would much rather communicate on my own to my MIL to better my relationship w/her. I didn’t think I was out of line. I mean, it’s so common for girls to have a say in their clothes these days. But my in-laws have never heard of this before, so they think I’m being disrespectful. Ufff. How can I fix this?

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Muslimah - sounds like a bad situation. In so many cases, there seems to be jealousy between SIL's and it really sucks that your SIL is being mean and underhanded. It's great that you have your fiance on your side. Can't he explain the situation to his mom? Also, I would advise you to start learning Bengali ASAP - only way to beat your SIL at her own game! lol Good luck!!!

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I had my fiance fix the situation for me... luckily his family was not offended that I did not like the clothes. I am worried about my walima outfit too!!! I think you should talk to your fiance about it because he is not against u like ur SIL is. You might just consider going with the flow for the walima outfit because it is just one day... I know I would be realllyyy angry too if I didnt like my walima outfit. I can communicate with my inlaws and they have an idea of what I like. I will be giving him a picture of what I would like on my walima so they could get something close to it. try to resolve the communication barrier.. perhaps have ur fiance explain to ur MIL or ur BIL?

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Aweeeee this must be so frustrating and upsetting for you and your family hun! :hugz: I think it has been established that you can not trust your SIL… this is very unfortunate and keep in mind that this may not be forever. But right not at this time - you should not go through her to communicate such matters. She pulling that old desi stunt of trying to undermine you to establish that she is the more caring and favorite bahu of your in laws. Do not give in to her chalaaki’s. No communication with her except for the polite “hi”/“hello” is more important than trying to explain yourself to her. I do not think there was any misinterpretations here.. i think it was done on purpose with an agenda on mind. This is sad and unfortunate especially since you guys got along great before. But she must be feeling nervous about a new bahu coming into the picture and that is why she is resorting to this.

Do not completely stop talking to her… you do not want to give her any sort of ammunition to use against you. She is definitely taking advantage of the fact that she can communicate to your MIL and you can not. So stay friendly and polite.

But as the other girls have emphasized - it is GREAT that your fiance is on your side and is understanding of the situation. Focus on that and use THAT to YOUR advantage. That is the solution to the problem at the time being. Even though he is a guy, let him be the go-between you and your MIL. He is on your team so he is not going to construe/“misinterpret” what you have told him to his mother. He .. like any other desi guy on this planet … probably wants you and his mother to get along great. You two are important women in his life. So he is not going to sabotage this like your SIL is trying to do. His intentions are different than hers.

Tell him this. Tell him the reason you want him to be the “messenger” as opposed to your SIL is because he understands you better and this way there will be less miscommunication problems. I would not complain too much about the SIL to him now because you do not want it to come back to haunt you. He might accidently let it slip to your MIL and make it worse. But him talking to your MIL and saying that the reason he is relaying your responses is because he knows you best and he knows HER best… so it makes sense for him to get involved in this sense. He can let his mother know that he and you BOTH really wants the two of you to have a close and wonderful relationship.

He needs to start emphasizing the important big long term things you hope to have in your marriage to your MIL. You hope to become a part of his family. You want to learn bengali so that you can communicate freely with his mother. You can not wait to start taking care of your fiance and his family in any way you can. etc. etc. etc. When these big things are emphasized … the issues of jewelry and clothing will seem smaller in comparison and hopefully a resolve would be made by his side to rectify the situation so that both of you (you and your fiance) remain happy… which is the most important thing.

So get your fiance involved more… inshAllah it will not be hard since he is already on your team. I have my fiance more involved than he probably ever imagined for this exact reason. We are both Pakistani but the cultural differences are still huge … there might as well be a communication problem… that is how different our families are. If he wasn’t advocating/explaining to his family what me and my family want/our culture is … there would be major problems…

and trust me.. there has already been plenty of drama. Even WITH his advocacy. So I can not even imagine it if he was not doing what he is doing.

Also as Summerbr has advised .. which I TOTALLY agree with - start learning Bengali ASAP!!! Not only will YOU feel more comfortable in his family, but HIS family … especially his MOTHER will see this effort and really start respecting you for the fact that you are trying hard to fit in. She will have a more open mind and be more understanding and loving towards you… less likely to give into your SIL’s chalaakis. Get your fiance to start teaching you phrases. Practice them and say them to your MIL when you speak to her.

Hope this helped!!! Keep us posted!!!

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@muslima:

i think u know the situation properly. I dont agree with letting ur fiance fix this for you. inlaws allways get the feeling that u have their son in control..

if youre ok with them picking out ur walima clothes and the other outfits, let it be.

Send a pick of the type of outfit you would like, if u trust this idea.

if u really want the outfit your way: ask if you can come along to pick out the walima dress, ask ur MIL not ur SIL.

If all of this doesnt sound right, ask ur mom to talk to ur MIL.

I dont think you should talk to ur SIL abt it anymore...

Are you good with ur MIL?

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Wow, thanks, I feel so much support from all of you! My fiance is aware of my SIL's nature, so it didn't surprise him too much when these problems began. I am working carefully to keep my communication with him open & I am ready to drop the battle for clothes of my choice simply b/c the bark is not worth the bite. But my mom still thinks I need to have a say b/c she really doesn't want me dressing like "them," as bad as that sounds. I was afraid that my MIL was upset with me w/all the things she had been hearing about me from my SIL, but she called me the other day just to say hello because I hadn't spoken to her in so long. I had a big guilt trip. I am going to continue talking to her as if nothing is wrong, and inshAllah pray that things work out for the best. I am taking all of your advice into consideration.

Summerbr- I'm definitely going to start picking up on some very impressive bengali phrases, lol.
mizsani- I think you're absolutely right that it's more important not to taint my name at this point. I may just have to give in & wear that flashy dress my SIL sent me a pic of! Gross...
PR- I don't even know where to begin, you're so wise. I think you're right about everything you said.
funky- yes, I'm not going thru my SIL anymore, and I think I'm good with my MIL. I certainly hope so.

Thanks again ladies. :)

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hehehhe.. try to put the pic up tht she sent u of the flashy dress...
hahahha.. dont dress liek "them" lol tht was funny
but hopefully now things would be better since ur MIL called u and its obvious she is not mad at u.. good thing ur not going through ur SIL anymore...
just be patient with ur MIL and have a discussion with her, with ur fiance present. Just show her a pic of what u had in mind... mayb she will understand..
but if u dress like "them" for one day, i dont think it will do much harm.. like American girls who marry desi guys, usually wear white gown at the wedding ceremony but tend to wear a desi outfit at the reception....
:) hopefully it will all workout

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OMG wat a coincidence!

I got engaged Dec 19 2010, also a love marrige. im getting married on July 9th 2011 inshallah.
For baraat im planning to wear a scarlet red and champane.

And for my walima either a rose pink with seafoam green or a cream with green…we’l see.

And in law…ummmm …

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@muslima, I think you are doing the right thing by trying to keep the lines of communication open with your MIL, that is probably the most important thing at this point. And yes, follow the advice about learning Bengali, that is going to be the best thing for you now and in the future, cause you dont want anymore miscommunication. Im so glad to hear your fiance is on your side. Maybe he can help with getting you the dress you really want. Good Luck with that!!!

My wedding is 4 months away, and Im officially starting to freak out! My MIL will be back from Pakistan on Tuesday with my nikkah and reception outfits! I totally trust her choice (my oldest SIL helped pick them out) and they kept me in the loop the entire time they were buying things, so Im pretty calm about it. But at the same time, I have a hard time hiding my feelings if I dont like something.....like you can totally see it on my face if I dont like something! And I get really emotional really fast....but I have seen pictures of the valima dress, which is gorgeous, so Im not worried about that. And the nikkah/barat dress, I kind of have an idea what it looks like (I picked it out from @YAS formal line, and asked that he re-design it to make it a bridal). So Im a little worreid about how that will look....but my SIL said it was gorgeous! So lets see what happens. Im also worried about the jewelry they got, cause I had no say in that. They got me 2 sets, one for valima, one for party wear, and they got me gold choorian, cause my mom is making me kharay (I am pathan, so I wanted the traditional peshawari kharay). Praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I will like them!

I still have to take a picture of the moroccan lanterns I ordered for the mehndi....will do that this weekend!

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haha .... i think you are reading my mind ;) And btw: I am getting married July 10, 2011!!!

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Good luck! Inshallah your outfits will be amazing!! Approximately how much was the YAS dress you chose? (if you don't mind my asking)

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^ sent you a private message RP!

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Muslimmah118: wow.. tons to go through already before a marriage! but kuddos for staying strong so far!! really! good job! .. i hope you've stopped talking to your SIL .. i mean, no offense to her, but still she seems like a person who's after you!! and she wants everything just the same as her, how she didn't get any choice and bla bla..

my mom, went through the same trouble, she never got to choose even her very own wedding dress!! can you believe? walima and wedding both .. :( and she didn't really like the ones she got from her in laws.. but well time has changed..

for now .. try getting close to your MIL .. don't use your SIL as annnnnnnny kind of communication to your MIL!! really!! it's only going to make everything worst.. and next thing you know .. once your MIL really finds out who you really are , things might even just turn around! GOOD LUCK!

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WOWW! so many brides!! good luck!!! and here I am .. searching for a pakistani bride for the longest time .. sigh anywhoo.. good luck to you all and i wish i could ask you all to read my blog so it could be soem kind of help , but right now .. it's under progress! :P anyways.. I'm a shaadi lover.. hope i can have my own wedding planner business one day..

anywhoo! GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL! and MAY YOUR MOST SPECIAL DAY OF LIFETIME TURNS OUT WITH MORE HAPPINESS THAN YOU CAN EXPECT! -Ameeeeeen!

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http://weddingpakistani.com/ this link help u before talking any initiative for you wedding. you can note down very useful tips for selecting bridal dresses and other preparations. Its very awsume ..