Re: 2011 Brides
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Originally Posted by **madinahme
**I'm getting caught up in drama's between my family and my in laws.. it's a love marriage and no one's happy with each other... just feel very stressed and drained and unable to sleep... please tell me this is normal girls?
can't wait for it all to be over and done with!
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Agreed with A squared. Its common in both types of situations.. my friend's brother's was an entirely arranged marriage yet the drama and misunderstandings that unfolded right from the time of the engagement down to the days of the main functions were just sad and upsetting to see.
The only difference is that in arranged marriages you have the option to sort of directly or indirectly blame others (in ur head) for the drama being created and can put ur mind at ease by telling urself over and over that its not ur fault and u have nothing to do with it but in love marriages, because it was ur choice frm the start and u may even have forced/convinced ur parents a bit to agree w/ur decision, you naturally feel more responsible for all the mess going on around u and feel overburdened cuz ur torn b/w keeping ur fiance happy and ur parents happy and cant really act 'aloof' because if you do, that brings about even more taunts and caustic remarks frm ur family considering how it was ur own decision in the first place
im not gonna ask u to ignore it and put it out of ur mind because i know such things are easier said than done. However, i hope it helps u to know that in most situations , things DO get better with time specially when both families meet each other frequently and keep their channels of communications wide open. For that u need to be a bit more actively involved instead of being a passive spectator and crying silently abt it.
if ur ok with the idea of both the families never truly being happy w/the decision u two made, holding a small grudge in their hearts and never fully accepting each other then yes 'can't wait for it all to be over and done with!'seems to be a good strategy to follow. for the first few months i had the same strategy as well .. truth be told i AM a little selfish and i always believed that it doesnt matter what the two families are bickering abt right now, i just have to shut my eyes and endure it because at the end of it all my husband and i will be together for the rest of our lives and our happiness is all that really matters.. unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how u see it) for me, eventhough i was ok with the way things were going my fiance (although the poor sweetheart never expressed it verbally for the fear of hurting me or others) seemed to be very hurt and upset by the behavior of both the sides and seemed to be crushed in the middle of the desire to keep his family happy, my family happy.. while at the same time dealing w/my perpetual whining and complaining abt how everything is screwed up and the whole world is unfair.. it was because of him that i realized that we need to stop focusing on own happily-ever-after with a tunnel-vision and start making this shadi a bearable affair for our close ones as well because i knew how much his and my family's happiness meant to him
I strongly concur with A-square's idea of "If you and hubby-to-be are happy with each other, then focus on being together, and once you are, FORGET everyone else. They'll just have to learn to be happy for you!" . That is, and always will be what i believe in strongly. But for the sake of my guy's happiness, i have had to modify my perspective a bit and therefore make a few changes in my life, which i'll share with u, shud you ever need a different way of dealing with this issue too.
first things first.. PRAY. nothing gives more mental peace than talking to God abt ur problems. im not a monk or part of the mullah-brigade and i know u must be regular w/ur prayers but u need to pray specifically for this situation to get better . im not big on religion myself but i do know that i feel loads better discussing my problems w/ God in each namaz than by bi***ing and crying abt my problems, my family, my inlaws, my life to friends and colleagues cuz at the end of the day if u think of it, in the long run who really has more power to help u? God.. or your friends? (Although yes venting out ur frustrations to friends and listening to their words of advice and comfort does bring temporary relief)
next, take matters in ur own hands. Nobody can help u unless u help urself
In the beginning, everything seemed to be falling apart for me as well and just like u i was at a loss of what to do specially when drama was created over the pettiest of issues such as why the eid ka jora was packed in a normal gift-wrap instead of being presented in one of those elegant looking boxes with transparent covers and lots of ribbons and flowers on it. Judgments abt the other sides financial stability, social status and sense of style were instantly made ...and communicated to me openly and with strong words.. w/out any regard for how i wud actually feel if im being persistently told that i made the wrong decision and how they don't compare w/us status-wise... all based only on the choice of a mere gift-wrap
The two families barely met in the beginning , which increased the level of distrust and mis-communications b/w the two. At first i ignored it and started marking off the days to my wedding when all hell wud finally be over and i wud have my happily-ever-after with my guy but then the situation worsened to the point where i cudnt stand to be just a passive spectator anymore , helplessly watching my future being ruined infront of my eyes.. and i finally decided to take things in my own hands. I insisted on more face to face meetings b/w the two families even if it was for the smallest matters that cud otherwise easily be communicated over a phonecall such as how many guests each side wud bring... i also put my foot down about being used as a telegraph.. i no longer transmit messages from one side to the other and if my mum ever asks me 'what day do you think they will be free for dinner' i tell her ' why dont u call them up and ask them' ... that way not only does it give them one more chance to talk and get to know each other but also to work out any reservations or inhibitions they have abt coming over .
I also begin to open up to my mum a lot more instead of keeping my thoughts to myself and shutting her out completely. I would tell her abt his family's values, what they believe in, how the function in their daily lives, what his brothers do for fun, what kind of food his mum likes cooking, how his dad enjoys spending time after work. U know the small little things that parents care about specially since their daughter wud be entering the new household. I realized after many conversations with my mum and after listening to her many complains abt them (i realized a long time back that getting worked up abt it and yelling back doesnt do much good at all.. taking on her complaints head-on and dealing with them patiently is the way to go!) that one of the misunderstandings she and my dad had abt his family was that they were too conservative and wont allow me to work after marriage (the typical issue most people have of equating 'being religious' with 'being narrow-minded and backward'). Allah ka shukar hai they are not living in the stoneage and are pretty open to any activity i do after marriage that i did before marriage like working and partying with friends. So after i explained that to mum was a lot more relieved and started being a lot nicer to them.
im not saying that this strategy wud work overnight and that its a fool-proof, kink-free, one-size-fits-all solution to such problems but taking matters in ur own hands is definitely is a lot better than just being passive about it and hoping sumone frm above sprays magical fairy dust over the two families to make everything alright.. u may have to modify ur strategy according to ur own situation.. in my case it didnt work instantly it did take quite a number of months for the ice b/w the two sides to thaw and there still were a few drama scenes in b/w but Alhamdolillah both the families have had enuf time (been engaged for almost 10 months nw Alhamdollilah) to reconstruct the initial impressions and preconceived notions they had abt each other and things have gotten so so much better that i actually am enjoying the shadi prep and everything is going smoothly for the both sides Mashallah cuz they consult each other at every step of the way and after many meetings they have learnt to happily accept each others way of living and have actually managed to see a lot of similarities b/w each other and enjoy each others company..
So you have to be the bigger and more mature person here (cuz ive noticed that our parents spend their entire lives instilling the values of forgiveness, patience and tolerance in us and always reminding us that THEY are the grownups and WE are the children but somehow in the whole shadi frenzy when emotions are running high and specially when its a love marriage, they tend to forget the same values that they had taught us and seem to act pretty childish abt certain issues thus reversing the social roles and forcing us to be the sensible, mature , grownups) You need to give fixing things a shot. If it works, good for u . If it doesnt, oh hell who cares u can always be happy that u atleast tried.. u will never have any regrets and never be haunted by the thought of 'WHAT IF??'
