Re: 2011 Brides
Hey Guys :)
Congrats to all the 2011 Brides. I was just scrolling through some of the above posts. Sorry to hear about all the drama. Sad, but especially in our desi-ness, it tends to happen, even when we try for it not to.
I'm not a 2011 bride, but a SIL. My brother is getting married and i'm the "unofficial baraat side planner" ... My bhabhi to be (iA) is awesome and (ah) we all get along great. From the start we have asked her input on what colors she does or doesn't like as far as shoes, bags, clothes and if any specific styles/designs she would like or avoid for her clothes from our side. Including any jewelry designs she absolutely does not like. Because she is the one who will be to wear it right. Why give something that someone will not wear. It is not just a waste, but creates ill feelings on both sides unnecessarily.
From the start her mother said they would like to make the shaadi jora from their side, and we said okay as you wish. Typically in our family that outfit comes from the groom side, but this was her wish so we didn't mind. As far as Valimah Jorah, we were again asking her same input, as it is her day, she is the one to wear it. She is very easy going. However her mom, would call us daily and ask exact fabric, exact detail, color of the kaam, how much kaam, even asked us to order swatches of clothing kappra from designers. And then, not bhabhi, but her mom would change things about the outfit on a weekly basis just as we'd think okay lets finalize the order. Now, we're not in Pakistan; nor have anytime to go. We thought we were being pretty easy going in working with them on her choices. This got to a point where we asked her mom, if she would prefer to take care of making the outfit and we can gladly pay for it. Because if for any reason something didn't turn out to her (mothers) preference, we didn't want any further issues. LOL, that too caused a slight issue with well, her mother stating that ' you want me to take responsibility for that outfit too?'. We just shook our heads. Just couldn't win either way. Had to laugh.
I suppose my point it, you just can't please 'em all, no matter how well the intentions are. lol, they are having the outfit made (after 7 months of deliberation by her mom), we'll just pay... and yes, it went through many changes and changes prior to finalizing... I understand the need for perfection, i am a perfectionist... However, it is typically the Bride that aims for that, not so much the Mother...
A wise friend once said "When you get married it is your mothers wedding, when your child gets married, then it's your wedding"... And it is so true. Not all, but definitely good % of moms certainly have their moment of 'momzilla'...
@ muslimah with your SIL- I agree with what everyone has said above. From reading just a few lines into your post, tread lightly with her. She is definitely feeling issues of insecurity and competing with you. Just realize that no matter what she says to your mother in law, won't change the fact that You are lucky enough to be marrying the man you love (Allhamdulliah) and not everyone has that. You have the support of your husband to be and his word will weigh heavily with his mom (ia). Over time she will come to know, trust and rely on you (ia) and your SIL will have to find a way to deal with her issues.
@ Starsky- I can understand the drama you are already feeling. And little bumps may still arise as wedding comes closer. IA, everything will go smoothly. Just focus on the big picture, which is the marriage. The wedding is of course The Event. But sometimes we get so wrapped up in that, we forget the repercussions that can linger from these mini dramas during wedding seasons. This is the first 'love marriage' in our family as well, but that doesn't mean we're not understanding of any different rasme her side has.
Speaking from the guys side, I don't know about your in-laws or their traditions. But I know for my family, the outfit that comes from the guys side, also carries with it "ghar ki izzat". For my family, we want to make sure to do best by our dulhan, so much care and love put into it. So, it did hurt my mom to not be a part of it at all, but she just said, that's ok, I'll focus on her other outfits and inshallah have other opportunities to make her clothes. And as a SIL, it did upset me to see my mom hurt by this aspect of it. It wasn't as though we weren't doing exactly as bhabhi wanted either. More so, felt as though her "mom was putting her foot down" in a place that was never necessary to do so.
- I think your mom discussing with your future MIL was the best thing, as you said they don't do things the same as you do. Even more awesome that she is super sweet and you guys are bonding, (mA) that is awesome. May that always continue (iA). But, at the same time, the point of my long story was, also ask what their traditions are and if possible try to see things from their point. If it is out and out outrageous then heck no, don't go for it. But if it is something that in the long run, will benefit yours and theirs relationship, it will be for the better. Even not living in the same town, she is still your husband (to be) mom.
Pardon my loooonng 'quick' reply. But being on the outside of a Bride, yet inside of a wedding and front seat to drama, I couldn't help but put in my 2 cents. I hope I didnt offend anyone with anything. It wasn't meant to be do. Wish everyone the best, Inshallah!
I just read this! Awwww that's so cute that despite not being happy about it, your mum didn't make a fuss about it. My wedding suit situation has escalated from a 'mini' drama to a full on bollywood action movie :(
So my in-laws were supposed to come to Pakistan and help choose the wedding and valima jora. My MIL goes to the wedding designer and after hearing her price range decides that they don't give wedding outfits to the girl. That was highly embarassing! And it has been clarified before that they will give the outfit many many times Also, few days later in a funny co incidence, her other DIL to be tells my bhabhi about how the MIL is getting both joras for her. ???
Then we take her to the valima designer and after going through so much effort asking her what the MIL likes, trying on stuff for her, when it comes to ordering it, she turns around and says to me 'oh no, I am making the valima outfit. And it's going to be the same as my other DIL's, just a different colour. Oh btw, you are having a joint valima.'
Errrr so I found out at the designers boutique that a) I'm having a joint valima with this other DIL who is from the pind, b) my mother in law wants to make my outfit and c) it's going to be the same as this other girls.
Talk about my worst nightmare being played out in front of my eyes. Suffice to say all claws were out later that day. Now I'm so depressed about the thought of getting married, instead of getting married later this year I want to delay it for another 5 years!
Just wanted to add, this other DIL is my MIL's niece! Might explain the situation a bit better. Typing this out has made me so much more angry. I feel like calling this whole thing off!
every1 is enjoying rollercoaster ride woo hoo.loads of best wishes from m side enjoy ur time .. my 
to all* NEW* brides in this thread
i guess you’ll be the 1st 2011 bride 
loads of duas
congrats you all, hope to see your beautiful wedding pics soon