Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
^ There is nothing in a desi woman's life prior to engagement or so we are made to believe. Getting into a marriage without showing the other person your true self is a crime imo.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
FF post reminds me that isn't the mariage suppose to make a person more responsible and sane to tackle such situations?
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
Fayz I am not saying you shouldn't get to know each other. But what I am saying is that do get to know each other, but without getting engaged or married so that there is no breaching of contracts. So that there are no hard feelings.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
Well, engagement is not a contract..it is an understanding between two parties. Marriage and nikah are contracts. Engagement is a respectable word with no negative connotations to it.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
^ True. But honestly tell me, do you think our society (desi community) look at it this way? Or they look at it as something really big and end of the world? All the broken engagements I've seen, people took it pretty seriously and the people in the society raised so many questions.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
I have to agree with Shikra.. in our society engagement means that that's it.. these two have to end up together.. and if for some valid reason they broke it off then ppl will say either the girl wasn't good enough or the guy was a lazy a$$
so yeah engagment is serious stuff
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo…
So why get engaged in the first place. Why don’t you give your girls more freedom or confidence
I think I should stop posting..somebody PMed me that I’m sounding bitter and edgy these days 
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo…
Wahi tou! :rotato: One shouldn’t get engaged. Just get to know each other better via phone and emails etc. And when you have to meet, meet in the presence of a mehram and tadaa! No engagements necessary. Getting Nikah done and holding on the rukhsati is fazool (unless some exceptions such as visa purposes etc). Just get married after you think you two know each other ENOUGH because sometimes it takes a life time and you still don’t know the person.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
Interesting opinions, very interesting!!
Shikra: I feel that you have somewhat strong or rather crude explanations of how people behave before they are married. What changed overnight, or with saying Qabool hai?? i would assume one would be mature and responsible enough to step into a relationship as serious as this. So how come you think maturity comes only after nikah/rukhsati and not a "mere" engagement? I am curious to hear your further views on this.
Maddy: I guess I am in a somewhat similiar situation like your brother. It puts both of us at ease to speak to each other about the things taht are important to us. He has shared alot of persona things with me which actually showed me why he says certain things in certain situations. Or what are the reasons/motives behind wat he says or does. So overall, it gives me a better understanding of who he is. This not only makes me comfortable with him but also puts him at ease when I support him through his decisions.
Iknow i am using pretty vague phrases but i think you guys get the idea: it makes us more comfy to talk to each other with the thought in our minds that we are going to be spending the rest of our lives together INshaAllah. Kinda takes the i-am-scared factor away i think.
But our elders, especially my parents think otherwise. I guess what I was wondering was, if any guppies on here discovered that talking to their fiancee quite a bit before the actual nikah "harmed" thier relationship ,so to speak.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
I guess it all boils down to the point if the two indviduals are sensible they will better solve any problem that may come even before the marriage in THAT case getting to know is better. Getting out of the relationship is the easiest thing to do and let alone the pareshaani to the parents.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo…
Maturity comes only after nikah----> I personally don’t agree with that. This is what parents say because we are nasamajh children for them until we get married. You can break rishtey when you are single and that’s one way to deal with your differences. But when you get married, you try to work out your differences in every possible way, if not for yourself, then for your parents or society because there’s a lot of pressure on you. Again, that’s not my thinking.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo…
Ira my mum is always asking me to talk less or try to talk, especially when a guy is in the scene! I either talk too much, if I am comfortable enough or barely talk, when I am not comfortable. There’s just no middle ground for me 
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
Shikra, thanks for clarifying that it might be our parent's POV and not yours :D
Femme: I think our mums are related: I used to get the same lecture from my mom. Even when we were visiting Awais, my mom told me to quit smiling, laughing, talking or moving too much :( He on the other hand thought I was being reserved, which I am definetly not. So it kinda gave him the wrong impression of me :(
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
Most of my replies were from our older generation's point of view :) I have mentioned in my other posts that I personally they think talk to each other and try to get to know each other as much as they can. But you can never know anyone fully because sometimes it takes a life time to do that. But it's encouraged, especially in today's age and world. This is not the old age where kids will say "haan jee" when presented a rishta to them. Ofcourse there may be exceptions, but most of us will want to know what we have in common before we get married.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo…
true say.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
youn mean to tell me you cant find other means to talk with him?
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
People in our culture are so worried about what others will say and that a girl's reputation will be ruined somehow. I think a couple should get to know eachother and then decide if they will marry. A sort of semi-family approved dating I suppose. But this is a very western ideal. I doubt it could really happen in Pakistan where girls are married off to their first cousins from birth.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
^ I find nothing wrong with getting to know the person you want to marry, why not. And if you are soo scared of your rep why not just keep it as a secret from people? It can happen, it has happened.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo.....
semi-family approved dating? Its already going on in Pakistan.
Re: Zaida baat mat kia karo…
Go for it Ira :k:
My hubby and I used to talk to eachother almost every day while we were engaged. We had HUGE fights during the engagement period but we learned to get over those and move on and it gave us a better understanding of eachother as well. When we finally met after a 2 yr engagement, we felt so comfortable around eachother. If we hadn’t talked to eachother on a regular basis, I don’t think we would have been so friendly w/ eachother after we got married.
You can have excess of anything, but I think both of you are smart enough to realize when to quit.