Since I have gotten engaged, this is what I hear from other folks about talking to my fiancee. My friend who got married a year ago but was engaged for a very short time before that, says the same thing. I expect my mother to say this but ammi ji is alot more conservative. Now my friend on the other hand belongs to the same generation I do and still has the same view as my mother. This is pretty disturbing and has really got me thinking: why is it that desis say this? What are they afraid of? Too much understanding before the couple gets married, or is there some other reason behind this? Help me out here folks!!!
I think its more less the final feeling of control over you if nothing else. They just want your best and i knw this sounds contradicting.. i mean they got you engaged because they thought that the guy was good for you will take care of you .. but then after engagement (and in some cases after nikah but before rukhsati) they will tell you NOT to talk to ur fiance that much..
its confusing and annoying.. i guess but that's the way it is..
to say the least....one of my cousin, who is brought up in US, was engaged to this guy in Pak. They started talking/getting to know each other and one thing led to another and finally they had a big argument over the ABCD and u Paki stuff and the rishta was broken.
So it is because of the harkaat of people like my cousin and her ex that u get to listen such stuff.
harkat? But isn't it a good thing they both figured out they dont want to be with each other, prior to marriage?
See?! Those kinds of statements basically translate to the following:
Parents: "Yeah...we just picked out a boy for you...and parents know best supposedly...but we dont...so that you don't pick up on this fact...you know what? Just dont talk to the guy yet...cuz then you might figure out that our judgement is no better than yours...yeah...that would make us look so bad..."
well u see i personally think that there was no point in fighting or breaking the rishta....and she was ASKED before the engagement and she said she was fine with it....
all i am saying is that she got to know him better and things could have been resolved appropriately.
Yaar PCG, I agree with you somewhat. Thanks for you response , aur larki, tum kabhi soti bhi ho???
But I am confused by Ansoon and Bhootkaybaap's response: these dont seem to be valid reasons for me to accept the statement. I know it might sound a bit cruel, but isnt it better for BKBaap's cousin in the long run? they kfigured out the differences BEFORE they were married and not after? And thus perhaps saved themselves from a life of compromises?
how the hell can you ask a person whether they're okay with a rishta BEFORE they've gotten to know the person, and expect a coherent reasonable response from them?
You KNOW the only reason why she said yes was probably based on the way he looks!
Ira-- I dont think they are afraid that people will understand too much of each other!
Basically he more you talk to a person the better you might get to know them. However, the more you talk also means more disagreements will come and and possibly more arguments and/or fights.
I suppose its parents and friends being over protective again.
I myself see nothing wrong in a good argument...uh although I suppose fighting is another issue.
but I think people should talk to their significant others as much as they want.
To me the thought of divorce makes me shiver i actually ask Allah not to put me in that spot.. i mean divorce is one of the things Prophet (pbuh) has ask us to avoid.
bhoot ka baap: In your case i think they did the right thing. I mean breaking up an engagement is not a big deal. Imagine what if they were married and then they fought over this and ended up divorcing each other?
I know that my parents wouldn't want me to talk to my finance that much even after our nikah.. yes that's how they are.. to them this whole talking before engagement and shaadi is useless coz after shaadi both of you will compromise.. but what if we dont'?
I think both the guy and the girl should be allowed to talk but they should always maiintain a certain distance. Enjoy karo life.. you knw chill. joke around coffee/chai peo.. hang out with friends. get to discuss topics such as future.. studies.. job.. and other million things..
MQ: i think i should be able to talk to Awais when I feel like or whenever he wants to talk. I know you agree and PCG agrees. But quite a few folks dont see it our way. Aur rahi baat arguments ki, yaar doesnt this depend on individuals? I mean I really hope I dont argue with him over petty things and he seems to be pretty relaxed about alot of things in life, or pretty tolerant i should say. And i say all this because I have spoken to him in person and on the phone and thats how i know this. It actually puts me at ease to know him better and not be scared like some girls get when they are enagaged. I hope this makes sense.
So other than maybe potential arguments ka chakkar, is there any other reason or like you said, its parents being protective again?
I hate to agree with what Bhoot Ka Baap has said, but I am afraid he's right.
You have to keep in mind the time period when our parents were brought up and married. They didn't have the option to 'get to know each other'. Whatever boy or girl their parents chose for them, they said "Qabool hai". The boy and the girl didn't know each other until the wedding night and more than 90% of them still living together after spending a very successful life. You don't have to look far, just look in your own family, at your own parents.
The point I am trying to make is: You don't have to know each other but in today's age and world, it's better and preferred that you do. But then again, guys and girls are 'immature' before responsibilities fall on them. They have nothing better to do than fight over stupid issues. The more they talk, or 'get to know each other better', the more the fight. Then they go to their parents crying and parents break rishta. If they were married and then fought, atlease they won't be breaking the rishta.
Why is it a big deal for parents if the rishta breaks before they even get married? Because marriage is not a game for them. They take it upon their ego and prestige because society questions. And I agree this is all non sense. Who is society to step into our personal business, but this is how it has been for ages and it's hard to get rid of 'log kia kahen gey'.
sorry guys for confusing you all here. I think i sounded like i was criticizing my cousin for it.
Ira: i am not trying to imply my cousin's situation here. I was only just giving you a reason why people said that to you. Thats all. Yes you are right that they found out what was right for them.
PCG: i only know that she was asked and probably figured out what was right for her....and i am not implying anything on my cousin ONLY...i get in to many arguments with my fiance and she by what i have judged likes arguing, but this does not mean that i decide that it won't work out...WE have to make it work.
Arguments will always come up. No two people are identical, they will always have differences. After marraige people generally try a lot more to reconcile their differences as getting out isn't your first or best option. Prior to marraige you know you can get out of the relation, without much to lose, if differences arise. I think that's what the elders or more conservative people want to avoid. Our elders usually believe in not taking risks, never soar high so you never fall- simply over-protective.
Ira, from watching my brother, I favour the other stance, that more talk is better.
My brother was raised in England, he got engaged to a girl in Pakistan. He had a long engagement, one that lasted around one year.
During that time they spoke every day on the phone, they emailed each other every day, they spoke to each other on MSN everyday and they sent each other text messages on their cell phones every day.
In short, during their year-long engagement they got to know each other so well that they were literally best friends even before her rukhsati was held.
And that strong friendship has led to what does seem to be a strong marriage full of love, dosti and mutual total respect.
What is the point of getting engaged if you are not going discuss everything that is important to you. This is a good time to find out what your partner brings for you and vice versa.
^ And what if you two find out you are not made for each other? Then break the engagement? Again, parents will have fits and I don't blame them. If you want to know each other, then do that before you get engaged or married so that there are no committments or contracts.
