I’ve seen a gazillion in-laws threads on the forums since years i’ve been here. Mine is going to be somewhat different.
My in-laws are sweet hearts so far. My:
FIL - although a little short tempered like my own father, seems to be a very down to earth humble person who just needs to be cared for.
MIL - she is also a very kind and soft spoken person. My husband loves her like anything & expresses his love for her a lot as well. She is some one who is careful of what she says & does. I really like the simplicity of her nature. She is a fantastic cook as well.
SILs - 2 are married & 1 is single. All 3 are very caring & kind to me. They are the sort who know how to keep the fun alive yet maintain their distance in the relation at the right amount.
BILs - both married & living their own lives but always very courteous to me.
Anyway, so far Alhamdullilah & masha Allah its all good & they all seem to like me. But after rukhsati things will be changing some what .. that happens with most when they move in together.
I want to know the do’s & dont’s of the relationship. There are things I will learn from my experience but there are things I’d like to be careful from the start. How to keep it smooth with them? I am all for doing a lot for them, but how & what should be done? What is the level of communication that is healthy? What is the level pf privacy to be kept? What should never be said & what should never be done? etc.
Also - Please don’t make this a thread full of negativity. I want positives to make it better or keep it smooth with them because in the end they are family for me & an unhealthy relation with any family member disturbs me.
So what is expected from a new bhabi to be able to make her own place successfully?
One advice I'll give you that I am sure you'll benefit from.... If your husband loves his mom a lot, never ever say anything against her to your husband. My husband loveeeesss his mom and would not tolerate anything said against her. He is happier if I express my care and love for his family.
My in-laws are great too but when you have to live with different people, things will come up that you may not like. You'll have to learn to deal with them and adjust yourself.
Apart from FIL and BIL - this sounds like my family description :D
Well the more you will stay out of your room - the more you will in their lives :)
Two words - Initiate and participate :)
You're right about that, but I guess that is decided by how much of the initiation & participation they allow themselves.
One advice I'll give you that I am sure you'll benefit from.... If your husband loves his mom a lot, never ever say anything against her to your husband. My husband loveeeesss his mom and would not tolerate anything said against her. He is happier if I express my care and love for his family.
My in-laws are great too but when you have to live with different people, things will come up that you may not like. You'll have to learn to deal with them and adjust yourself.
I guess every husband loves his mum, most are mama's boys, anyway. I hope no such circumstance comes where I have to complain about her to any one at all.
I love this thread. Its a good "I rub it in your face" for the women that constantly ***** about their in laws :D
Its for precautionary measures so that I don't come here for constantly ***** about my in laws :p
Go into your relationship with a positive attitude and don't assume the "worst" about their actions. Remember they are human and as likely to make mistakes as you are, so when they do be gracious and tolerant, just as you would have been with your own family and the same as you hope they will be with you and your own mistakes.
When you move into their home, request everyone individually, " Please do let me know as soon as you find any of my words/ actions objectionable, as at times I might not realize my mistakes myself. This would help me in improving myself."
This would solve 50% of your problems. If they also request you the same, the rest of the 50% problems would inshaAllah be solved.
One thing I've noticed about my SIL is that when she's very selfish (i.e. doesnt bother spending time with my mum, goes out every night etc etc) then it makes things a little strained.
Just make some effort in the small things. They will notice when you do. Stuff like insisting that everyone eats together, getting people involved in family stuff like going out for meals etc really makes a difference :)
And they really like it when you cook for them too ;)
Such an amazingly refreshing thread. Daffy, I'm seriously impressed by your very positive views regarding each and every member of your in-laws, I'm so convinced that it really takes a well nurtured girl and really a bigger person to see their inlaws just like any other normal individuals who have their own share of flaws and positive traits. You sound like a great girl and I'm sure you'd have no problem adjusting, as long you see yourself as part of the family instead losing your sanity and dignity in petty me vs them battles. Besides, over-thinking can kill. I'm not married but to me that's a universal rule for adjusting in new places with new people.
Dont lock yourself up in your bedroom. Lately I have seen thats a common trend in joint families that the new bahu for whatever reason will stay in her room. Come out. Sit in the lounge if you have got nothing to do. Read a magazine there, watch TV etc. Participate in the housework, meaning dont sit back when everyone is working (dont know why such ppl dont feel embarassed?!) and dont hide! ..
Most of all, dont look with negative eyes on their family structure (I dont think you will DD though) if it is different from yours. Some families are very close knit and always getting together. Others are far from each other and less entertaining. Embrace the difference instead of making a problem.
Adjusting takes time, those succeed who flow with the wind and positivity!
Don’t cast bovine aspersions on my posts. I’ll respond to the statements of truth by you men shortly.