How was it like? For how long were u guys engaged and what kind of proximity you guys shared?
I am a bit confused about engagements. One part says they are good way of letting the other family know better. But for most engagement is like nikkah, its unlikely to move out of the commitement after you are engaged unless its a big, big issue. Correct me if i am wrong here.
I personally think engagement shouldnt be for very long and if possible can be avoided cuz i am of the opinion that during the engagement period, the couple gets talking and meeting and i personally don’t like that. And i think that can often be cause of complications after marriage cuz during the rosey period (b4 marriage) when you are over the moon mood, u may make commitements and promises which are not actually doable in real life. So when you get married and the practical life starts it becomes a headache when those earlier promises and commitements are not kept up.
When people first get married, I am SURE they feel those rosy, infatuation feelings too, as long as they have been associated to each other for a while. They probably make those promises then too. You can't run from being stupid - lol. Or maybe we can if we know really well what we want. But we don't, and what we want, changes with time.
Point being, we're all capable of making mistakes. But as long as we're honest about how our feelings and perceptions change, it is ok to make mistakes.
Also, the biggest advantage to engagement is, if you DO find out something really bad about the person, you can break it off. It is true that we take engagements as basically nikkah (my cousin's fiance has been referred to as his wife on numerous occasions). But they CAN be ended. You could choose to not get formally engaged, but talk to the person and get to know them (while allowing yourself to make mistakes) - because that's the point (of life).
I see engagement as a commitment for an upcoming marriage, which may be delayed for some very practical reasons. It has definite social value.
Also, the biggest advantage to engagement is, if you DO find out something really bad about the person, you can break it off. It is true that we take engagements as basically nikkah (my cousin's fiance has been referred to as his wife on numerous occasions). But they CAN be ended. You could choose to not get formally engaged, but talk to the person and get to know them (while allowing yourself to make mistakes) - because that's the point (of life).
I see engagement as a commitment for an upcoming marriage, which may be delayed for some very practical reasons. It has definite social value.
^ Agree. Even though we may treat an engagement as a nikkah....the fact is that its not. If a man or a woman breaks off an engagement, we don't say that they're "divorced".
How was it like? For how long were u guys engaged and what kind of proximity you guys shared?
I am a bit confused about engagements. One part says they are good way of letting the other family know better. But for most engagement is like nikkah, its unlikely to move out of the commitement after you are engaged unless its a big, big issue. Correct me if i am wrong here.
I personally think engagement** shouldnt be for very long and if possible can be avoided cuz i am of the opinion that during the engagement period, the couple gets talking and meeting and i personally** don't like that. And i think that can often be cause of complications after marriage cuz during the rosey period (b4 marriage) when you are over the moon mood, u may make commitements and promises which are not actually doable in real life. So when you get married and the practical life starts it becomes a headache when those earlier promises and commitements are not kept up.
What's you guys take on it?
You are absolutely right in what i bolded.......
the purpose of gnagement is to just fix the knot and do the work around to finging the right time,place,people arrangement for the function to be carried out...
if people miscotnstrue that as somewhat allowed dating/relationhip........things get fishy n nasty...
so in idial case the engagement should be just lock down the party.......and the engagement done soon enough to legitimize the connection.......................during the months bilding upto the marriage date (not more than6-8months..unless some issue like visa/jog/digree extends the period"..............the both families get to see each other and keep mesasuring the compbatitliituy/...
My perofsoanal favorite is is.........find the boy;girl......meet the paretns stuff...ask them about some meddle get to knew period.......if thats done....then its Nikaah direct.......
You guys have made some interesting points. My family have always been of the chaat mangni, phaat shadi opinion, and then my engagement came about. I agree with the general consensus that engagements shouldn't be long at all, but should just be of the length of time required to make preparations etc. For me though, it is completely different, I have been engaged for a year and a half, and no plans for wedding for atleast another 3/4 years! We also don't speak at all, infact I don't really know my fiance at all. I agree with engagements not being nikkah and all the problems that people have mentioned that can arise if too much contact is made. However, it is a little strange that you have made this commitment, and our familys refer to me as his dulhan, so it is like all decided, but it is weird that actually nothing has really changed! This is going to be for a long time, and even without knowing this person I have kind of accepted him, but yet I don't really have any idea about anything! Its like being in a weird transitiony time, like I do wonder if it will work out, inshallah it will but you do have these distracting thoughts! Engagements are fun in the beginning, with a pretty ring and all, but I think after a year max it gets a little strange!
In conclusion, if you want to remain sane, then don't have a long engagement :)
Lol, that is exactly the case! I feel as though all the things which were so important to me, are going out the window. I have so much to achieve before then (hence the time between engagement and wedding), yet I am always worrying about this one topic! I often wonder how somebody I don't really know can be such a distraction to my life.
i think engagments are good cuz u get to know more about eachother .. and lets say if it's not workin out u can breakup easily soo yea that's the advantages of it and yea i agree with u maham on the disadvanges too ... and i think egangements should be from 8 months to a year. Enough amount of time to know if it will work out for u or not. so yea that's how i think of it ^_^
Lol, that is exactly the case! I feel as though all the things which were so important to me, are going out the window. I have so much to achieve before then (hence the time between engagement and wedding), yet I am always worrying about this one topic! I often wonder how somebody I don't really know can be such a distraction to my life.
I think the family should get to know each other before the engagement and after engagement, i think its better to not keep the engagement for so long...1 year is more then enough i guess..i am saying this because the longer the engagement is, the more problems appears
Wow thank you all for your replies, i am kinda surprised most of you have similiar views as me. I thought i was the only one who thought this way and i seriously do pity whoever (n if i) i get engaged to cuz i think i wl make a pretty boring fiance :P.
wow starberry, i must say i admire you a great deal. i dont know how i would be in your situation, i'd be going insaneeeee!!! i'm going through a rishta thing with this guy for the past 3/4 months and we've been in regular contact. got to know each other blah blah blah and i've ended up really liking him and he feels the same way. i already feel like i'm engaged to him even though i'm not. lol.
wow starberry, i must say i admire you a great deal. i dont know how i would be in your situation, i'd be going insaneeeee!!! i'm going through a rishta thing with this guy for the past 3/4 months and we've been in regular contact. got to know each other blah blah blah and i've ended up really liking him and he feels the same way. i already feel like i'm engaged to him even though i'm not. lol.
Awwie. God bless you both :) I hope everything works out for the both of you. Aameen.
lol funky_chicken, you are really sweet. I feel like an immature baby most of the time, and it is too much of a distraction! Not good when trying to complete my degree! I don't mind the not being friends thing, if you get what I mean, but it would be nice to have some indication that he cares. My friends often get 'but what if he doesn't like me thoughhhh?' lol, I think they are runnning out of consolling things to say. I think insane is the word, I am sure I used to make all the rules at home, but now I am always in an unsure limbo!
Mashallah, you sound as though you guys get on really well, and it is nice that you know how he feels about it too! How is it going to work with you guys, are the parents thinking to get you guys engaged anytime soon? Is that how things work in your family?
Maham, are you getting engaged soon? Some parts have been fun, really, it isn't that bad. I think I have made it take over my life by overthinking it all the time. It is interesting to see how things work differently with everyone.
Maham, are you getting engaged soon? Some parts have been fun, really, it isn't that bad. I think I have made it take over my life by overthinking it all the time. It is interesting to see how things work differently with everyone.
I am not in favor of engagements longer than a few months. There are just toooo many problems that come about especially if the couple is talking and interacting over long distances. There are misunderstandings and sometimes it leads to break ups. So maybe starberry1's position isnt so bad because the likelihood of them having conflict is lowered.
In my family, we dont do engagements as a rule...it has happened but never for more than a few months at a time.
**I got engaged about three months back and marriage is not around the corner for another three-four years. I hadn't expected to get engaged so soon and it did come as a sudden shock to me at first but now i'm okay with the whole idea.
I don't talk much with my fiance - it's long distance so we sometimes send the odd email or two but we never have long phone conversations but that's simply out of choice. My parents have no objections with us talking but i feel too shy yet :$ lol...I know it's stupid but i don't want this engagement period to end...it has it's own little indescribable feeling - if that makes sense!