Its a fact that a doctor told me. He told me there was a time when you would never see the pakistani/indian elderly in hospitals alone or from old peoples home yet these days he was seeing more and more asians especially Indian elders being admitted into old people homes.
I worked with an Indian whose grandmother was in an old peoples home. When I told him that at no cost would I let my grandma go to an old peoples home and that he shouldnt too he just replied we are too busy to look after her, my wife works i work we all work, I told him your wife should stop working if your grandma needs attention or get someone to look after her in your own home. Anyway he ignored me and his grandma got beaten up in the old peoples home and died a few days afterwards, In a way I was happy that her life ended and she had not had to endure all this pain. They used to meet her once a week and she used to spend ages waiting for her meeting with the family, poor woman.
So are you prepared to look after your parents/grandparents? even if you had to stop working or one of you wife/husband had to stop working, what sacrifices are you ready to make to look after your parents/grandparents?
That's really sad about your workmates grandmother. This might sound awful, but im glad she was only subjected to a beating and not another form of physical abuse, as that would be a lot worse. It's extremely prevalent in old people's home and any type of care institution really. Nothing can excuse what happens in such places, but the employers are to blame in my opinion, sometimes they employ any Tom, Dick and Harry without the proper training and except them to care for susceptible people in the correct way. Even with training, some people are sick minded.
Regarding the whole looking after parents and grandparents issue, I personally have done and would in the future give up everything for my grandparents. However, some situations are difficult. What happens if your parent was not the "standard" (I can't think of a better word!) parent and failed to look after you when it was required? It would take a certain kind of individual to care for parents who were not proper parents.
there are no absolute answers in this case. what if your parent was so sick that you could not take care of them, i.e. you were not qualified to take care of them. In many cases people actually have on duty nurses who take care of the person.
Just because an elderly person is living with the children or grandkids, does not automatically mean he is getting taken care of.
What if god forbid your grandparents or parents are so sick or in a condition that you are not qualified to take care of them, whether or not you stayed at home. and what if you can not afford the expense of a fulltime nurse to take care of them.
Thats why speaking as an absolute that I would never do this or I would never do that does not really apply.
One would prefer that their parents/grandparents live with one and that one can take care of them, even if it means career sacrifice for one person in the couple, or bearing additional expense for nurses if needed and if affordable. But sadly you do not control circumstances.
things may happen, where one may have to re-evaluate what is the best way to take care of their elders, and in some cases the elders may be better taken care of in a facility that is specially tasked with taking care of them...who knows. One can only hope and pray that no such condition effects our elders where we are incapable to take care of them on our own.
Agree with Fraudia. It really depends on what condition they are in. If it's just for the sake of your conveniece, then I don't think its the right thing to do. But if taking care of them is beyond your control in terms of medical/professional attention, then as a last resort they should be sent to the facility. The decision should be based on what's best for the elderly rather than your own convenience.
I think RF you are pre-maturely judging matters from a different perspective. People who were in the same situation are aware that sometimes there is simply no choice but to take measures which could be against the theory of ideal life. Imagine if you are in a situation where your mortgage, car insurance, car lease, utilities, grocery and other necessary expenses can only be managed by the income of two, you can not advise one to leave his or her job and stick to their principle, which would be mundane. Everyone’s situation is different, some can afford and lucky enough to be with or to have their parents till their natural demise while some unfortunate just can’t. That’s how the story goes my friend…
My mother she'd prefer the "plug be pulled" rather than living the remainder of her life in a nursing home.....
So in my case I suppose my obligation is never to put her in a hospice type facility.
There are other options thoughh if ever the need would arise.
My neighbor has an elderly parent with weak mobility who cannot stay home alone.
Every day she is picked up in a van and taken to an elder care facility and in the evening she is transported back home. I think this an ideal situation...however this option is not for those who are completely bed-ridden.
When my grandmother became incapacitated by Alsheimers she remained at home.
My uncle and his wife moved in with grandmother to care for her and in exchange the famiily agreed that they would be given the house when she passed away.
We paid another family member to stay with her during the day when uncle was at work, and visiting nurses and a physical therapists came to the house every couple days. The visiting nurses/therapists taught us how to use feeding tube...etc.
Sinse gram had 8 kids and several grandkids we all took turns being with her on weekends etc..to give uncle a break. I suppose our situation ideal... for the cirmcumstances.
well as long as you do all that is in your ability its ok. If you tried your best to look after your parents and due to the care they require you have to send them to an old peoples home then fair enough but i tell you what, old people homes DO NOT take care of your parents the way you would.
If you have re-arranged your finances and can still not cope then i guess as a last resort you may send your parents but hopefully the need will not arise.
thanks to the westernization....these callous western people send their parents to old homes or meet them on christmas...and same is happening in pak too..wife of a husband cannot bear her husband parents...thts y i m extremely against westernization or adopting their values...
west is no more a human living place...but beasts..and unfortunately same is happening with pakis who r now working harder and harder for some fcking money..even rich ones..
one have to look after his parents or grandparents in every condition wht so eva...its bettter to send them to the heaven rather then sending them to old homes like west people do...
Yes i'm prepared to look after my parents/grandparents and even my husband's parents/grandparents...even if i have to stop working to do so...our parents made so many sacrifices for us growing up...when we were sick, they didn't just want to get rid of us cos they cudn't afford to stop one income or if we needed round the clock medical service...i think because i've seen growing up, how elders are supposed to be taken care of and respected in Pakistani culture, that even though i was raised in Europe it doesn't change for me...i know this is wot happens and is expected of me and i have no problems complying with it...in high school, i volunteered in an elderly home and just being there, seeing wot these ppl go thru is so unbearable that i often had tears in my eyes...the elderly are just like young children...they often act very child-like and in my opinion u shud do everything u can to take care of both, children and the elderly, make the sacrifices cos i'm sure they have gone thru more sacrifices than u know..."whites", or "blacks" or non-Muslims etc., they have different customs and values, they love their parents too but they don't see and respect them in the same way as we do...
i totally agree with you. In a case where a parent is ill and simply cannot stay at home alone and there is no one but either the wife or the husband that can stay at home, they should.
the way i c it, if my parents did not abandon me to someone else’s mercy when i was sick or when they could have been out enjoying their lives, it would be most selfish for me to do so.
in the case of taking care of the husbands family…i dunno, depends on alot of things…whether the hubby’s parents were bitchy to me, whether the hubby respects me, whether the hubby and his family treats my family right etc etc.
Well that’s a tough one yea, but my Mum always tells us to treat them like ur own parents, and leave the rest to Allah…I’ve noticed though, ppl who are “bitchy” sometimes after becoming ill, their attitude changes and at that point they’re usually just grateful that someone is bothering to talk to them or take care of them…whether they all respect u or not, u shud… otherwise ur just as bad as them, that’s my take on it…and hopefully if they’re not treating u rite, they’ll see how nice u r being to them regardless of their behaviour and maybe that will open their eyes…
guys there are good and bad adult care centers. There are some that are specially equipped and staffed to take care of people with conditions or illnesses that need special attention.
yes in normal circumstances you will not want your parents to be in a adult care center. but circumstances can arise where you havr to do it.
the intent is to have them have the best care possible in your means. the answer of how that is done can vary based on circumstances.
that’d be an interesting trade off - turn wife into maid servant for your elder relatives. i dont think that’s right either. how many desi guys will allow their wife’s elder relatives to stay with them?
also, how different is hiring a maid for the grandma than sending her to a decent old people’s home? atleast she will have company there.
Looking after elderly relatives is VERY DIFFICULT and demanding, its very stressful and there is very little reward and thats what its like if the elderly person is just old
add illness, senility, incapacity, incontinence and believe me you will be working a 24 hour day
its nice to look at it with rose tinted glasses and say
I will look after my parents, and husbands parents but it will take up your time and energy and give you lots of mental stress and anguish
its very tiring
i'd add more but i dont have time..
but I say this from experience
and Id like to add Its very likely thet WE...YOU will end up in one!
One of the few good things that I like about our culture is that children go out of their way to help their parents. There are some quite inspirational stories within my family.
Death is a reality. Everyone will die one day..how do u want to spend time with your parents should not be a very difficult question to answer.
I would never cart my parents off to one. I love them too much. I took care of my dadi maa and she suffered senile dementia, was 90 odd and did at times drive me nuts. But its always worth it. The love, the duaiyen, the chiding......her generation took the purity in those words with them.
Anyway, if my brothers, bhabis or whover could not look after my parents for whatever reason then i would do so myself. Its not just easy said, i would do it. Afterall, they are the sole reason for my doing anything and being anything.
