In any case it comes down to a lack of honesty.....which can be translated to a lack of character strength. There are millions of cases where marriages take place and either one or both of the parties withhold information that would sway the decision. If we concluded that all these marriages should be nullified or end in divorce then what are we teaching society?
I still maintain.....if information such as you have posted comes to light later in the marriage.....especially years down the road, then the first effort should be to sort things out....forgive and forget.
How come its so hard to understand what Nia is saying.
I think the idea of forgiveness is totally messed up in our culture.
I may be on other xtreme but - I NEVER! forgive and NEVER! forget!
Forgive: You have done the crime - you have to pay! (you may pay less dependong on circumstances - but you have to face the consequences of your actions).
Forget: Learning from Xperiences in life is what makes a person smart. If you are just going to forget an experience and not learn from it ... well then stop complain about Male dominated society and keep takin up the @$$
Forgive: You have done the crime - you have to pay! (you may pay less dependong on circumstances - but you have to face the consequences of your actions).
Forget: Learning from Xperiences in life is what makes a person smart. If you are just going to forget an experience and not learn from it ... well then stop complain about Male dominated society and keep takin up the @$$
I guess my approach is that of handling things with a view of the future in mind.
If the guy does not regret what he has done in the past, it doesn't mean that he is going to repeat his behaviour. Technically speaking you said that he has admitted to sleeping around prior to marriage (at least that's what I recall, I haven't bothered to go back and read again to clarify). Since taking his vows he has not made any transgressions.
If he has been faithful to his wife then that's what should count.
There are lots of things that people do in their past lives that they are not proud of........they may not regret them because they learned from them or they paid a price for a certain experience and are happy to have had it at that cost.....in other words, they don't regret. This does not necessarily mean that given the same opportunity now, they would make the same decision.
It's not as simple as just saying he doesn't regret his actions so I should leave him.
As far as the other thread is concerned.....I haven't looked at it because I believe that the same principle should apply to both the husband and the wife. Having said that, I also recognize that double standards exist in our society and both genders are never given the same leniency. This is a fact of life and I have chosen to accept it. Will it ever change? Inshallah someday. In the meanwhile, I will teach my daughter of this double standard and how to protect herself from falling prey to those that take advantage of it.
It is very possible for men who have had relationships to be in the same situation as men who have never had a past. Married men are also prone to ikhyness.
I guess my approach is that of handling things with a view of the future in mind.
If the guy does not regret what he has done in the past, it doesn't mean that he is going to repeat his behaviour. Technically speaking you said that he has admitted to sleeping around prior to marriage (at least that's what I recall, I haven't bothered to go back and read again to clarify). Since taking his vows he has not made any transgressions.
If he has been faithful to his wife then that's what should count.
There are lots of things that people do in their past lives that they are not proud of........they may not regret them because they learned from them or they paid a price for a certain experience and are happy to have had it at that cost.....in other words, they don't regret. This does not necessarily mean that given the same opportunity now, they would make the same decision.
It's not as simple as just saying he doesn't regret his actions so I should leave him.
As far as the other thread is concerned.....I haven't looked at it because I believe that the same principle should apply to both the husband and the wife. Having said that, I also recognize that double standards exist in our society and both genders are never given the same leniency. This is a fact of life and I have chosen to accept it. Will it ever change? Inshallah someday. In the meanwhile, I will teach my daughter of this double standard and how to protect herself from falling prey to those that take advantage of it.
Finally, a Muzna post that reminds me of the real Muzna. :)
I wanted to comment on the forgive and forget part.
There is no quality greater that can be found in a man/woman's character. It is the epitome of a humanitarian. In my opinion, anyone that says he/she cannot forgive is someone that has strayed from the path. If Allah can forgive, then who the hell are we as mere humans?
Now....about the forgetting part. When the term forgive and forget is used, it is not meant that one should obliterate the experience from one's memory. No. Rather, one should keep the lesson but discard the ill feelings.
It's not about moving on without learning. It's about letting go of unnecessary baggage.
Muzna, I want to make sure that i understand you correctly..You are not advocating that a battered/abused women stay with the person after forgiving him, are you?