Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

Lifestyle Relationships
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I know some friends who are being faced with really tough decisions in their life right now, and it got me wondering about what path guppans would choose if faced with the same dilemma. Our friends husband is an MBA graduate who ultimately changed his field of study at a critical time in his life when his mother was dying so he could finish in front of her to give her a peace of mind about his life. He is an only child with a somewhat retired father who has made some really bad financial decisions in his lifetime therefore ultimately not having anything to fall back on once he hit his retiring stage after his wife died. The dilemma is now that our friend is so extremely unhappy in his career and cannot shake the bug of wanting to go back to school and finish his studies in medicine like had originally started out to do. However he is the only bread winner at home, his wife will never be able to fully help support his dads home and after his mon died and dad retired without any savings, all of the financial burden came crashing down on him and he seems to be struggling to take care of it all. He not only hates his career in finance but hasn’t been able to find much work else where due to economic problems going on in the states. He needs more income but he says even if he was working in a $200k salary he hates working corporate and wants to get back to his clinical side where he feels he has more purpose. Moms passing has been four years now, he shortly got married after that and dad retired the same year after a last miserable attempt at trying to run a local store with some desi uncles who screwed him bad. Our friend told him not to do it and to save the money that his son helped him get and it all failed miserably, that’s when he sat at home and never went back to work. All of husbands savings went into a failed business for his dad while he payed for his own wedding expenses entirely and now he is sitting very tight three years later with a foreclosure possibly on his hands. His only options are keep the home and stay in the miserable stage hoping for things to get better in the economy or either get rid of his home, move in with his inlaws in Canada who are fully willing to help and support him during his studies so he can take the next five years to get his life back. Wife is on board because she sees how miserable he is, but now the question remains that he has to leave his dad back in the US for sometime while he finishes his MD. Keep in mind our friends grandmother is still alive and he had also been supporting her as none of her other sons are willing to take her in and she is in her 90s. In this case, they will now be forced to take her in while his dad may have to go live with one of his unmarried brothers. His dad is not happy about and threatening to get his own apartment or put himself in a seniors home because he thinks his brothers won’t take him in (who he helped bring to the country by the way and I am disgusted at how selfish these people are) I know them all personally myself and it is shocking at how they have completely written off their ailing mother and now will probably put up a huge fight with having to take her in. In the end, our friends decided this is something he has to do for his own life and future and he is only 30 and still has the time. Doesn’t want to make the same repeated mistakes as his dad did and does not want a repeat cycle for his wife to live like the life his mother had who died taking care of her inlaws entire family for years in her home and not a single one of them has stepped up to help his dad and his grandmother after her death (their own brother and mother). Astagfurallah. It’s a really sad family story because he was the only child, I think things could of been really different if he had some siblings but now he will be cleaning up his parents home of 15 years and helping his dad settle in with his brother before he makes the big move in a couple of months. His whole plan is to come back for residency so this is not a permanent move but he feels like he is hurting a lot of people with this decision, at the same time desperation of the situation had lead him to realize if he wants to help his family and its future, this is a necessary drastic step.

What would you guys do in a situation like this? Would you chose your family over your dreams? Or do you think he’s doing the right thing? Didn’t all of our parents at one point have to make the same types of decisions when they first decided to immigrate to north America or elsewhere. Left everyone behind until they were all able to get established ??? Such a heavy feeling on the heart as he knows his grandmother is quite old and his dad needs him. He was a type of man who was completely reliant on his wife so after her, his son took on that role. Please pray for them and their family.

What would you do?

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

This is a really though situation. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I was him. Most probably I'd stick around but I wouldn't really feel good about it.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

seems like you are almost making a case for the SON to dump his father but is disgusted over father's brother dumping him? Father only brought brother to umreeeka, but father brought the son to this WORLD. :)

and now to main issue.

Personally, I'd stick around my father still try to find a way to achieve my dream. YES he made bad choices, YES he should have planned for his retirement but today's fact is that he DIDN'T. I do not believe on presenting "aaha" or "Daikha main nai kaha tha na.." moments to my love ones. If I can leave my DAD today to fulfill my dream, I can leave my wife tomorrow to fulfill my some other dream if I have to.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

haaye

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

LOL.....you honestly believe the sacrifice our parents made is comparable to this guy? Our parents sacrificed so that their children would have a better future. Many immigrants left their loved ones b/c they wanted better financial and educational opportunities for themselves and their children.

Your friend on the other hand, is a MBA graduate who already has a career in finance. Given his attitude, I'm not even sure how much effort he truly put in to look for another corporate job if he's unhappy at his current company. Yet he wants to abandon is family b/c he doesn't "like" his career! That's it. He's not wanting to become a doctor to improve the lives of his wife, father, or future children. At the age of 30, he wants to go and do his "thing" for the SOLE purpose of making himself happy. This is the completely opposite from the sacrifice people like my parents made when they left their homeland.

I think your friend is very selfish and immature. Back when he was young....that's when he had the opportunity to choose his future. He CHOSE to "sacrifice" and go the MBA path. And now he think its ok to makes others suffer b/c of the choices he made. We all make decisions in life that we wish we could go back and change. Sounds great in theory but not so good in reality. As a 30 year old man who has a wife, father, and grandmother to think about.....he needs to stop living in his past dreams and move towards the future.

The fact that he thinks it's acceptable for him to leave his career and put the burden on his in-laws to support him AND his wife for the next 5 years is amazing! What if she gets pregnant? Well I guess then the in-laws will be 100% responsible for the care of the baby too during those 5 years since he will be a full-time student.

** As for what the other family members are doing.....again, he needs to concentrate on his own actions and how it effects his dad/wife/grandmother instead of worrying about what others are doing. I'm pretty sure those other family members can also somehow "justify" their actions just like your friend.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

A couple of questions: -

  1. What does his wife do, why can't she support them while he's in school?

  2. Why does he want to move to Canada, why not remain in the US while he's in med school? Does your friend realize its SUPER competitive to get into med school in Canada given how many fewer med schools there are - what is the likelihood that he'll be accepted to a med school in the same city as his in-laws?

  3. Is he okay abandoning his daadi in her last years? As bad as it is that the other uncles have left her, he'll be no different if he too turns his back on her at this critical age.

  4. What are the father's practical options - if he is semi-retired and about to be homeless because the home is going to be foreclosed upon, where is it everyone expects him to go? Even if he got another job and let's say finds a place to rent, for someone who's alone because his life partner died, if his son leaves to move in with the in-laws - what will be the impact on him psychologically, or does that not matter to the son?

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That's not really the case, he's not getting up to leave because he wants to but because he's about to lose his home and has run out of options for trying to keep it. He tried looking to do the school thing part time but with a full time job it didn't work out. And now his only options are to try for it while someone else can support him. Plus he's not that type of husband or son either, do you think he's jumping for joy over all of this, not at all, it seemes to be tearing him apart because it's not a an decision to take.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

Infact I differ with many comments here .

I have seen parents who have struggled for the betterment of their kids and dont become a hurdle in the way of them getting settled.
I have also seen parents who will try to bind their kids with themselves through responsibility and wont look at the bigger picture.

In this particular case, he should persue his dream , get somewhere in life and ensure he looks after the family in his good days.
you see, the biggest thing here is that one person on whose shoulders the responsibility lies, he must struggle to remain strong. if he is sinking today how long before he will totally be left resourceless and not able to do anything for his own father , his wife and kids and himself...

Therefore, if his father really loves him, he should encourage him to complete his degree and aim to get into a profession that will secure his son financially and emotionally .. The fact is that when struggle strikes a family , every member struggles not just one .. right now this is a family struggle .. everyone will have to do their bit.

As far as taking help from the inlaws is concerned , I think it is between him and his wife to discuss what level of support he can expect from them and pitch in as a major player in carrying his own weight rather then depending eyes closed on his inlaws. his own father can move into a smaller apartment maybe for a few years , the son should try and help out his dad financially as much as he can , like maybe working a few hours and sending dad some money.

Meanwhile, dad can pitch in with some kind of part time work for a few more years .. he wasted money in business but doesnt mean he cant look for some kind of part time job that will help him sustain until son is fully capable of financially supporting him, which maybe in the next 3-4 years or even sooner.

Its not all about dreams sometimes .. its about ensuring that the one person who is going to row the boat remains strong enough to do so , coz if he fails , the boat will sink fully. There fore its important that he makes his decision carefully. A few years of struggle are ahead of him ..

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

S and S: I'm just going by what you wrote. BTW, why is losing a house such a bad thing? He can't live in an apartment?

So he currently has a job. Even though he doesn't like it....he does have a steady paycheck coming in. He is not unemployed like millions of people out there.

A mature adult in this situation changes their spending habits, continues to work hard at their current job so they're not fired or laid off, and even gets a 2nd part-time job to bring in additional income. They also encourage their spouse to get a job to bring in additional income. None of this is easy or fun....but that's about mature, responsible adults do in order to take care of their families.

Yet your friend would rather prefer that he and his wife are supported by an elderly couple (ie. his wife's parents) while he pursues his dream of being a doctor. As a 30-year-old man with a MBA and a career in finance he doesn't feel ashamed to life-off his in-laws. That's pathetic.

Why doesn't he pretend that he doesn't have in-laws he can mooch off for 5 years. THEN see what his options are.

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LOL.....you honestly believe the sacrifice our parents made is comparable to this guy? Our parents sacrificed so that their children would have a better future. Many immigrants left their loved ones b/c they wanted better financial and educational opportunities for themselves and their children.

Your friend on the other hand, is a MBA graduate who already has a career in finance. Given his attitude, I'm not even sure how much effort he truly put in to look for another corporate job if he's unhappy at his current company. Yet he wants to abandon is family b/c he doesn't "like" his career! That's it. He's not wanting to become a doctor to improve the lives of his wife, father, or future children. At the age of 30, he wants to go and do his "thing" for the SOLE purpose of making himself happy. This is the completely opposite from the sacrifice people like my parents made when they left their homeland.

I think your friend is very selfish and immature. Back when he was young....that's when he had the opportunity to choose his future. He CHOSE to "sacrifice" and go the MBA path. And now he think its ok to makes others suffer b/c of the choices he made. We all make decisions in life that we wish we could go back and change. Sounds great in theory but not so good in reality. As a 30 year old man who has a wife, father, and grandmother to think about.....he needs to stop living in his past dreams and move towards the future.

The fact that he thinks it's acceptable for him to leave his career and put the burden on his in-laws to support him AND his wife for the next 5 years is amazing! What if she gets pregnant? Well I guess then the in-laws will be 100% responsible for the care of the baby too during those 5 years since he will be a full-time student.

** As for what the other family members are doing.....again, he needs to concentrate on his own actions and how it effects his dad/wife/grandmother instead of worrying about what others are doing. I'm pretty sure those other family members can also somehow "justify" their actions just like your friend.
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No no, my friend doesn't plan on getting pregnant anytime soon. They know that it's not possible in their situation to bring a baby into their home when it's tough already for the ones living there now doesnt make any sense for her, even tho her FIL is pressuring them for it. That's not really a concern though she says but I know she wants it when she hears about all of the baby talk around our friends. My friends parents (the guys in laws) have supported his wanting to go back to school for a very long time because it has always been known to their families how much he wanted this in his life. He ultimately did it to fulfill his moms last wish and thats why its sad that not only she didnt get to see him graduate but he should of never changed his path, he would of been in last two or three years by now. Everyone mostly around them is supporting it because its necessary in their case now. He's not finding work at all. My friends parents thing was if that if this is what he feels he needs to do for his future than they just want him to make a decision about it while they can still help to support them while he studies because his wives parents are still a bit younger than his. They're not old at all and her dad is very for supporting his son in law through school, more than his own daughter is for her husband. The family ties between the families are strong so that's not really an issue of him mooching or anything at all but our friend had been refusing to take their help since he had gotten married but now he's losing the house so the circumstances have changed a bit. I think my friend is forcing him now because they've had no luck or change in their situation and the school thing is always in the back of their minds. It's been three years of struggling to keep her FILs home going. You can only imagine the kind of toll that could take on two young people newly wed. She has experienced nothing what she should have experienced as a new wife and daughter in law because these problems came crashing down on them as soon as the wedding events finished I feel so bad for her sometimes poor girl is only 24!

As for work, you'd be surprised at how hard it is, my hubby is a pharmacist and he recently got layed off and they have actively been looking together. They actually used to work for the same company and my hubby tells me theyre going to be doing more downsizing in the Next few months and or friends department is also at risk. So they both had been looking actively for that reason alone. Our money situation isn't as tight as theirs because my husbands friend never made that much money to begin with so he was never able to afford his parents home from the gecko when he was forced to take it over but it was to hard to sell and his dad didn't want to because of his wife's memories. I think someone asked about the wife and what she is doing; and yes my friend is working full time, she is in an entry level position with a management degree but again doesn't make enough to fully support the expenses of his parents home. At the same time, she doesn't want too either because since the day she came into the house it has been about what her FIL has wanted and needing expenses to be paid and all of her money has gone into the home that isn't even worth anything because the value of the house is much lower than the loan on it. They wanted to get a smaller place that they could afford and build on that together slowly but FIL was accusing her of "ruining his home". Apparently she says he says that a lot. She is very upset about those things and has to go through a lot because she tells me all of their financial situations ultimately gets blamed on her because her FIL believes SHES the one not making enough. Hes always saying "she does nothing." A lot of it is mental torture and for someone whose only 24 and hasn't even started her life she's been through a lot from this marriage, not to mention her parents have suffered from it as well. We sympathize a little more with our friends because it's not like they havnt done anything, of course they have, its just now they have exhausted all of their practical options and with all of the expenses of their home they just cant handle it or even want to anymore. My parents are a little involved as well and they too agree with the kids even tho they understand the FILs situation as well but he has been very unfair and impractical as well and ultimately they blame him for all of the finial ruin but at the same time they know he will be very alone if his son decides to pursue this. They think he should because its only a few years and they also ultimately have tried to get the uncles involved in the past while his mom was going thru her Chemo but their wives had made a lot of problems. Thats why if it sounds like im making a case for them to go away to study and to come back when they're able to stand on their own two feet, it's because we ultimately have seen everything go down with then and him going back to school to pursue something that yes, not only makes him happier but brings more financial security , I think is their best option. Her parents have done a lot for his dad to try and help him not only coexist with the kids but help him stay in his home, nobody wants that for him at all but it's tearing the husband and wife apart and ultimately THAT is what everyone around them is afraid of, of those two not working out because both the son and FIL (even though he doesnt like her) need a woman in their life to help take care of them both. Originally when they got married , they took their time with the rishta and every thing because they were both in school and it was his FIL that had rushed the ruksati in 6 months over the 2 year original plan and because of his respect in heir families and stuff I guess everyone said fine, I guess it's for the best but now the couple is realizing it was just to much to soon for them to handle and it's not like they havnt done things in the FILs way but it's not working that they now feel like they need to do what it is they need to do for themselves and theyre future as well. I don't see what's wrong with that in my opinion? But I know not everyone would agree.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

Are the guy and the girl's families related - can't an intermediary discuss the situation with the dad?

I'm still confused about how the girl's family is going to support the guy while he's in med school? Are they well-to-do that they can comfortably afford to support the daughter and SIL + pay for med school - the cost of studying medicine is SUPER expensive and it will takes YEARS to pay off any loans which will put any lifeplans the couple has further in the future.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

S and S: At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what you, I, or anyone else think. It's not our life and not our decision to make. All we can do is share our OPINIONS.

I'm big on adults taking responsiblity for themselves and not accepting help from others unless it's ABSOLUTELY necessary. I don't see this situation that way. I see it being the guys' CHOICE b/c he (or his father or whoever) wants to live beyond his means. That's another personal pet peeve of mine......people living life beyond what they can truly afford.

Of course the in-laws want to help b/c they love their daughter. My parents (who btw aren't rich) would've done the same thing. But I know that my husband and I would feel way too ashamed to ever accept any money to support ourselves from my parents OR his parents. As long as we're healthy and capable of working, we will work and earn what we can.....and maintain a lifestyle within the restrictions of our earning. Actually, to be honest....my husband and I both believe in living BELOW our means b/c our income/health is never guaranteed.

On a side note: I understand that they don't plan on getting pregnant but as long as they're having sex.....that possibility always exists. No birth control is 100%. So unless the guy and his wife are perfectly ok with having an abortion....the fact that they're not even taking into account the possibility of pregnancy in the next 5 years seems immature to me.

Oh well........we will agree to disagree on this. :)

** I still don't understand the obsession with living in a house. I grew up in an apartment....my parents still live in an apartment. Maybe that's what effects my views but I'm not sure why people think losing their house is somehow the end of their existance.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

It all depends upon how HE feels.

i haven't been able to move at places with better oppurtunities for my career bcoz i stuck around my parents but then i don't regret it.

But there is one thing i have observed, if he does decide to move, his parents will settle their issues one way or another.

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Hey Sehrysh,

1: so like I mentioned above she is working but unfortunately not enough to support all of the members of his family. If it was only the two of them she says they'd take any possible way of making it happen and support him while he studies but that option was explored and FIL was refusing to leave his home and stay with the brothers at the time that they had an option to sell the home. She only makes enough to help out with her inlaws house because there's to many expenses associated with it that and she alone will never be able to keep up with it. To answer your last question at the same time in relevance, my friend says FIL refuses to go back to work because understandably he's 65, and is just sick of working now. She was telling me this morning that only now is he saying that he'll go back to work because now he feels like he needs to take over again when theyre at the verge of losing the home but she's like hubby told her that foreclosure proceedings on the house had already started so it'll make no difference because they will pursue the close no matter what and FIL is still tying to see if one of his friends will buy the home from them so at least they can stay there but he fails to realize its comes down to the affordability and they jut can't afford it on their income. Theyre not making as much as what FIL was making when he bought the house. I think another one of uncles really bad financial suggestions that will just keep them in the same mess. I think uncle even tried bringing up putting the home in my friends name and his son stood up for his wife and said no way, that he'd send her back home to parents before he ever let anyone in his family drag her down into their mess which I thought good for him! I know uncles personality and he just wants what he wants, which is fine because he derserves it at the same time unpractical. That's completely unfair of uncle to think its all about him and this home is forever and always as if these kids have no future ahead of them. So I think that answered those questions.

  1. Moving to Canada is the only way for him to be able to study while have some help and a roof to live in while not having to pay his inlaws rent. You know what I mean, they won't have to worry about affording a place to live and can not only save all that money but my friends parents love him like an elder son they didn't have and want to help him make something of himself so he can not only provide for their daughter but get back to a better place in his life. His moms passing was Rey hard on him. They know all the issues and don't see it happening any other way. They can't move because her dad works in Canada, eventually they plan on it but for now this is the only way they can help out. Bu giving him a roof and mental support to get him trough his schooling. They know both of the kids need that support right now and they don't get that same understanding from my friends FIL.

  2. She was telling me he doesn't feel good about, they know she's old and anything can happen but she doesn't physically need them around all the time. She has Alzheimers, doesn't know day from night and for the main parts of the day has a caretaker from the state who comes in and looks after her, cooks, bathes all that. She just needs to be looked after in the evenings because she is a fussy old woman (saying that in good spirits) like her son and just needs to be guided back to bed and things like that because she's just old lady and can have a fall here and there if someone doesnt keep an eye on her kike they would a child while hes playing. You know? He is sad about it but at the same time, his mom had to go through a lot at the hands of his grandmother which he grew up watching so he feels he doesn't want a repeat scenario in his generation. Even while his mom was sick in Chemo, his grandmother was able to talk and think and would put his mom through a lot and he feels now that his mom was pushed j to a corner and be the only one to take care of her so now he feels it's time the others feel a bit of the same responsibility because his life is ultimately ruined if he can't climb out of this mess. While all his cousins enjoy their lives with out a single care in the world, they're all older than him and he doesn't even speak to them because they don't come to visit their grandma. So he's sad about having to leave her but he feels it's time that he do what he needs to do for a chance for his own family to thrive. he feels he has always been bounded his life with the responsibilities along with his mom and that didn't allow her to or him to pursue what he wanted while all of his other friends had the chance and did it.

I think that answers all of that.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

Its not the guy, its his wife talking. She wants the husband to move to her parents country and dump his family. Has given him guilt trip already about having made a mistake of switching earlier.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

She actually really likes it in this city. I know thats what everyone will ultimately think, even my parents were thinking that but we've had numerous conversations, shes not like that, she has more in the states than she does back home aside from her parents support. For someone who has already invested a lot into a marriage and the home of her inlaws, she could of gone running back long before when all of this stuff came out in the open. Who has given him a guilt trip about switching? I dont think she has, she doesnt even want him to go back to school and just stay in this field but she also realizes, that there is more potential for him to excel more in doing something that he loves. she feels like he will only really get so far in finance because there has to be a personal drive there as well. Wouldnt you agree? And if the opportunity is there, while theyre still young. Why doesnt it make sense?

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

After reading all this, I only have 2 questions: 1. why or how do you know so much detail about your friend and her life, that even your parents have an opinion on it

and

  1. that really is a tough situation and any solution will make someone unhappy.....I hope things work out for them soon iA
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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

we are all in the same community circle and family friends that have grown up around each other. he is good friends with my brothers and my husband, and his wife has become one of my closest friends after she got married and moved here. my parents also know uncle and as well as aunty at the time when she was alive really well. all of their kids and stuff all grew up in the same area, they all came to the states around the same, that type of long standing relationship thats why i feel like these are like my own family members! our famillies have a personal say in each others issues all the time. my mom handled a lot of the stuff in the place of his mother for his wedding and stuff so thats how we know them personally so well.

you know, your right about that, that no matter what, someone will be unhappy. thanks for your duas. :)

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

tough situation.....

I think that if he is so seriously miserable in his life with his current career then he should go back to studies and complete what he initially wanted to do.

Life is about making choices and some of them are truly hard. Leaving his father behind to fend for himself might be one of those choices. "Dumping" his grandmother on her other children might be another.

Would I do it? Not likely.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

This is a cross - cultural dilemma. I believe that a person should do what they want. Parents put too much emphasis on their expectations. Parents are never burdens but they shouldn't burden their children with expectations or become burdensome. There are a lot if Chinese families who put their kids under such immense pressure, as per my experience, the kids feel so much pressure and it can be crippling.
Parents assume if the child does as their told they will be successful and if they choose their own path they will be failures. Maybe the path the child chooses will better for them and their families!