Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

There should be a separate thread on this topic.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

I don't think there's a way to make everyone happy in this one. You can't.

I think he needs to go back to school. He has a better future if he finishes med school compared to where he is now.

I think he should talk to his father and ask him to be supportive for just a little longer. It won't be easy but it needs to be done. Help his father move and maybe even get a part time job somewhere.

His grandmother...I am appalled as to why no one is supporting her. Why her kids won't help her. It makes me sad and scared.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

Aside from everything else said here, does your friend know exactly how expensive it is to go to university, let alone med school, in Canada? He'll be an international student so he'll pay more and he'll have this enormous debt after graduating. Personally I don't think it's a smart move. He was dealt a hand in life and he needs to work with that now. My bf was actually considering going back to med-school (he's an accountant) and after weighing all the pros and cons it just didn't make financial sense for him to re-start everything.

I mean I'd love to quit my job and try my hand at modelling but there are some things that just aren't feasible in life.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

I think when you have a family then that takes priority over your education unless you can do it without effecting your family's timetable and lifestyle.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

It's a terrible situation to be in, I honestly feel bad for him.

With regards to the grandmother that is an awful situation but should all old people get an automatic pass? I mean to say I knew a lady who told me how her mother was when she was in her youth and later stage, she self described her mother as a narcissist. And told me tales of how much pain and destruction she caused in her lifetime, so much so that her younger daughter committed suicide because she couldn't deal with her own mother!!! My lady friend said that was the straw that broke the camels back and she never spoke to her mother again. This lady was well into her 50's at the time and still was dealing with these issues. All the kids didn't want to take care if her and eventually she was place in a retirement home ( I'd rather die).

You know how I came accross this lady? I was 18 and working a summer job at that retirement home and the lady's mother had died and she was named as next of kin. She needed a shoulder to cry on and used mine. Before I came to know the details of the mothers deeds, I always thought how sad that none of her kids ever came to see her. How cruel they must be?

Life is too short, his wife is supportive and wants her husband to be happy and he wants to a chance at his dreams, I really hope he goes for it!!!

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

Who financed his MBA?

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

PARAGRAPHS WOMAN!!!

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

But I have a question - He thinks Canada is a good option but has he already been accepted in a med school there? It is VERY difficult to get into med schools in Canada, so how does he think he'll for sure get into the school that's in the city his in-laws live? What happens if he doesn't get into med school in the same city?

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

Sorry dude!

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I think their going to be doing it through the immigration route. They had their whole marriage in Canada and getting him immigrated will be the same process she had to go through coming to the states. Difference is theyre already married in Canada. And yes it would be insanely expensive as an international student, they know this.

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Don't know the specifics to that.

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Initially they'll be with her parents for the first years he's prepping for med school, ultimately they will be looking into schools through out and there is only one school in her home place. She will be supporting him when and if they make that move once he's in a school. She used to work for the Canadian government before she got married and plans on getting back to that which apparently pays really well. I don't think not getting in is an option at this point, they know the risk their taking with this, and his chances of succeeding at it. Like anyone prepping for school would plan for, typical of that sort of planning. he has his own cousins down there she says as well as one of hers who have gone through the system to help with his admissions and guide him for all of that, ultimately he'll be working for it till he does.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

The couple has already decided so none of what people say here is going to change that.

I guess it depends on circumstances and may be individuals, how and what they decide in such a situation.
My parents have made many sacrifices for us. I dont know if they made any bad choices or decisions but I do know how much they sacrificed so we could get somewhere in our lives. I can never imagine leaving my parents alone "if they need me" to pursue my dream no matter how miserable I am.

I cannot understand why the guy cannot go to med school in US now that the house is being foreclosed and they will not be living in it anymore.
- Once the house is gone, they move into an apartment, the expenses will go down. If he has waited for 3 or whatever years he can wait for a couple more months. See if the expenses become manageable.
- If the in-laws are willing to support why can they not loan some money to him while he is still in US. Why does he need to be in Canada to get in-laws support ?
- Tell his father they need to get through this together. May be the father will be willing to get a part time job if he knows this can keep his son with him.
- Ask one of the uncle to take in the grandmother for sometime until he finishes his studies.
- Try to get into a med school in a state where cost of living is low. Omaha, NE has good schools, very low unemployment rate and low cost of living too. There may be more such places.

There is always a chance that things will not work out the way we plan, so why not take the chance while they are still here instead of making a big move, upset their loved ones.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

somehow from one of the posts I got the feeling that the wife is not happy with the FIL.......is that true?

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

okay i am going to answer everyone in the same post :)

yes, they pretty much have made up the decisions in the last two days because its coming down to a now or never type situation with application deadlines and giving the up the house to the bank, everything is very time sensitive. they are taking this leap of faith with the help of their families and looking back or having more doubts like they have been for the past couple of years is only setting them back more. they have to move on. there has also been some family progress where one of uncles brothers has apprehensively and slowly come on board as my friends husband talked to him himself and theres a bit of understanding between them, as this particular uncle cared for his mother very much, and therefore so i think in her respect, he is willing to help out now as he almost raised my friends husband because he lived with his parents for 17 years before he moved out. as for the grandmother having to go live with her eldest son...like before his uncles wife hasnt been as considerate to bring her into her home, to say the least lol. they've been dodging them it looks like so there hasnt been much talk for that part yet, i am thinking ultimately they will be left with no choice.

and for the question about staying here; because they wont be able to afford any type of living expenses while he is in school over here and his wife can't help support him the same over in the states that she can in canada. plus with a foreclosure in your name, even renting a place is very difficult. and we all know, atleast for those in north america, credit here is literally everything. bad credit, limited income = very difficult situation for anyone. foreclosure ultimately closes a lot of doors because it destroys your credit. with her experience and credentials she has more opportunity to help support him much more in her province than she has in the states. shes done Canadian internships and stuff that ultimately helps her more back home. its been very tough for her to get settled into a job since shes moved here and there just seems to be more doors open for her in where she was born. she is canadian born, he is american born.

like i said before, they have tried looking into options in their home state because aside from their financial problems they were very happy here and also have a good support system here through his friends and mothers close friends. they basically can not do it alone, and in his home town, they are alone and taking on such a demanding decision to put him through school, the chances of him doing well over here are lower because there is more stress and external factors in their life that will affect them a lot. back in the girls home, she comes from more simpler and liberal environment where the main focus for him will be school and she can help support him with much better financially on her own there and for their sanity, mental support from her parents. his father is unhappy with him going to school at all in general, because he just wanted to stay in his home that hes used to. hes not good with emotions and just constantly puts to much pressure on his son. thats a lot for anyone to handle especially someone trying to put himself through school once again.

in terms of his wife and father in law, they have their problems for sure because uncle has major controlling issues and it was the typical pakistani mentality that "bringing in a younger girl will mean she'll do whatever he wants" but the husband kind of kept things under control in that aspect, unlike some husbands who completely detach from these issues, hes had to do a lot of mediating. i think that is why she has been pretty complacent to his family, because he has been a very supportive husband compared to some of our other friends situations with their inlaws.

i am feeling much more optimistic about their situation today. theres still a lot to be taken care of though looks like, FIL is still angrey and will need to be won over slowly as the months pass but ultimately everyone thinks hes much better off living with his brother rather than in his own home anyway, because its completely empty, kids are never home and busy in their schedules for most of the day, daadi doesn't talk at all, she just stays in her room because she cant really move up and down stairs and he is always just sitting at home watching TV and attends namaz at their mosque. people dont come by or nothing much because its different with out having a woman in the house to maintain community relationships. all of these things sound so simple in writing but in reality is much different than that and more complex. its been hard for our friend to try and pick his dad up after his mom died and after he was married, it got much worse because i think uncle became angrier since he wasnt the only one in his sons life anymore. oh and someone asked about him working, he doesnt want to and his son doesnt want to force him to work because they've had big fights about it before, plus hes officially retired or will be soon i think and will start to live off social security so that will help him out since there wont be any household expenses that he even needs to worry about with his brother.

i think god works in mysterious ways, and maybe this is allahs way of giving this guy another chance even though it seems like he is leaving his dad behind but there definitely is a bigger picture. i think people who would say he is very selfish or immiture just dont know all the facts, that for him or anyone who makes life altering decisions, its much easier said than done, and he is sacrificing a lot especially with his father and the type of personality and mentality that uncle holds, but i think if he can come out of this, they will have the best example for their children (iA) and ultimately i think we are all working towards that common goal right? the betterment of our futures. i think on the contrary, he is very much working with what he has. this opportunity in my opinion, IS, what he has been given to work with even if as his last resort. took him a long time to figure out exactly what he has been given and how to work with it, and it looks like he is taking that chance. i am feeling proud for them, now if only my hubby takes some inspiration from these past couple of days too ;) haha

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

i dont see the purpose of this thread, if you are only going to defend this guy. anyway, all the best to the family.

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

well, yea? it was just to start conversation about others opinions as well, the topic is relevant to our culture. i have been telling the story along the way

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

What I still don't get is that he still hasn't been accepted to medical school. So best case scenario - he gets accepted for next fall (which by the way in Canada is IMPOSSIBLE - he's already past the deadline). Then realistically speaking - he won't be accepted until Fall 2014 and that's assuming that he's got sufficient credits/courses from his other degrees or he will have it by the 2014 deadline. He's 30 right now. He'll be 32 when he begins med school. Med school is 4 years of study followed by residency which is at minimum 2 more years unless he specializes. So he'll graduate at 36, but will be working like a dog until he's 38 - and his wife is willing to wait how many years to start a family?

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

very good points Sehrysh!!!

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Re: Your Family vs. Pursing Your Dreams

The point I want to make is that I don't believe that anyone is here is discouraging the pursuit of higher education - in itself that is admirable. But given the SPECIFIC circumstances of this couple, and the question of pursuing your dream versus the family - the pursuit of education is coming at everyone else's expense but the couples'.