You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

Lifestyle Relationships
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4 years ago at the tender and naiive age of 19 I entered into a relationship with a fellow medical student at my university.

The relationship lasted a year and half. The reason it ended…He told me I was too ugly for him and he was ashamed to be seen with me.

After I left him (with alot of pain but no regret) he cried and cried at my door step for months for me to take him back, obviously i didnt. As evil as it is I took pleasure in his sorrow.

He broke me as a person. He SHATTERED my confidence and self esteem.

Although I have built myself up and feel that I have been quite strong superficially and taken steps to improve my life as much as possible…when I look at my time after him I realise how much my low self esteem has caused my life to take negative turns.

I failed exams, I feel so negative about myself that I attract other insecure negative people around me who confirm my self fullfilling prophecy that I am indeed an ugly person, I havent really been happy about myself in general, I have negative thoughts about anything.

I have unfortunately developed low self worth and it has affected many aspects of my life.

I am slowly taking steps to improve.

I am trying to cut out negative people out my life ( in particular a certain man who is one of the most insecure people i have met)

I have opened up to my family - pakistani families are critical by default and ive told my parents that I need them to tone it down and try and be supportive.

Ive made a solid group of friends who are great and always say nice things about me.

But the one thing I want to achieve which I used to have before that guy completely broke me down is the ability to self validate, the ability to build up my self worth. I want to be truly happy with who I am.

I am a confident, extroverted and intelligent person. On the outside the comes through but deep down I just dont feel it. I want my subconscious to match my concious.

I dont have a question in particular…but if anyone has any advice and personal experiences or resources that helps increase and improve self esteem, self confidence and self worth…that would be great :slight_smile:

thanks for reading

edit: i thought i would also add a very important fact which i missed out. I also developed bulimia as a result of what happened but im getting better now…i think. I developed horrible self image issues.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

is the single life so bad, a woman's life doesn't start being meaningful after she has a man in her life, i mean going by some of the men that i've read about here and had the displeasure of being around in the nonvirtual world, i just feel like our lives are of so much more value

build yourself up again first and then be open to rishtas, dating, romantic relationships. why are you in such a rush? stop with this victim mentality.

after some of the bad experiences we go through we all need a counselor to talk to. does your medical school have counselors that you can talk to, sometimes people that have been trained in this area will be of so much more help, developing bulima is a pretty serious issue

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

hey nisha.

Im not really talking about my life with regards to men and dating or rishtas....i didnt even mention that.

I was just talking in general!

:)

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

It sounds as though you were understandably deeply affected by the experience, but you do seem to be going about it in the correct manner to get over it. To me it seems the situation has a lot to do with how your overall perception of all achievements and positives about your life, so try to make yourself concentrate on them. It is easier said than done but keep being positive! As has been mentioned above, have you had any support regarding the bullemia? If need be, there may be a professional you can speak to. Have you now graduated from medical school? I am sure you life is really quite busy now anyway, so throwing yourself totally into that may be helpful. Additionally, watching and laughing at how younger medical students make such fools of themselves will prove how capable you are :-p

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

That guy was one person. Just one person. Also, he told you that he couldn't be seen with you and then begged you (crying at that) to take him back. What does that tell you about HIS state of mind? It tells me that he was insecure...that he most likely had low self-esteem....that he didn't know what he wanted. After all....if he thought he was too good for you.....then why not find someone that met his standards...why come back to you? You shouldn't beat yourself up....nor have doubts about your self-worth....because of someone like that.

If you had negative experience with one guy.....then you also met a guy who asked you if he could continue to remain friends with you even when you decided that the rishta wasn't meant to be. He didn't have to do that.....he wanted to. This guy was different from the guy you were with when you were 19. And 19 is young....for a guy as well. Your former boyfriend probably didn't know what he wanted at that age....and you can't compare that to the certainty and confidence that people develop at a later age, if that makes sense. Moreover, just as you don't like every single thing/person out there........you need to understand that others are entitled to their opinions as well. And an opinion is just someone's personal views....it's not some established truth.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

^ I agree with redvelvet interms of the person, he does sound as though he was confused himself which then led to it affecting you.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain…

inspiron, you’re already doing great by putting yourself around positive people and you have made good changes in your life.

if you’re open to anything, in terms of self image/confidence, then if you have an ipod, put some of those postive thinking youtube videos on your ipod, that’s what i do, it feels great

and so many of the related videos

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

Thanks nisha for the video and links and advice on putting stuff on to my ipod, I will definately try that :)

Thanks starberry and RV for your posts.

I understand that this guy was young and confused. He is not in my life at all anymore, but his words seem to have imprinted themselves onto my mind like virus that cannot be cured!

I came home for the easter holidays last thursday and since being away from uni which is in a different city I finally had time to reflect and catch up with myself.

My parents noticed that i was really depressed and that I havent been myself for a while and were particularly concerned about my constant negative frame of mine.

My dad talked to me for hours saying that such a negative person, constantly unhappy, failing exams etc is just not me.

Talking things through with him made me realise all which i put into my first post.

I just want to get better. I just want to be the happy go luckly and self confident person I once used to be.

Im getting there. I could say im growing and every breakdown is a breakthrough.

I hate the way I Internalise everything that is thrown my way.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

I have attended some sessions of counselling......I dont find them helpful because they just go round and round about me talking about myself.

I want psycho-therapy as in I want some interventions to be put into place not just sit and talk about myself.

I do believe that humans are powerful enough to change their mindset from negative to positive and im working on it.

Its just really tough. Maybe ill start blogging as my story is much deeper than i put into this post (due to the fact i didnt want to write a super long essay)

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

and this is why they say that life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. People come and leave, they shouldnt swallow your good soul. Harsh memories always take time to heal but they heal, one fine day, when these cracks somehow start to disappear because someone else's handling with care, and polishing. I hope you got what I mean. Not every man who will come into your life is same. If you think that being with yourself (and thinking over of all that hurtful episode) hurts you still, spend more of your time where you have to think less. Read books, listen to music, watch movies and above everything else, define your priorities. Take care of yourself and love yourself. Its already very very occupying business. hehe.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

I think sometimes people (men and women) put their partners down so they never realize what their true worth is. As a result, they stay with these people longer and never realize they can do better...much much better. I believe thats what happened to you. I also think this guy never really counted on you leaving him.

Look at your life - take a really good look at your life and try to be the judge of whether you really even should be feeling bad about yourself.

I think a woman who has the guts to leave an emotionally abusive relationship before it completely breaks her knows exactly what she is worth...you dont need us to tell you anything inspiron.

You have to believe you do the things you do for a reason.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

it's tough to fix a broken mirror.

a lot of experiences effect us in a similar manner, but we can't live in the past. We have to find a way to move on in life. I just don't know how :D

good luck to you, but just remember life is still passing by..it will pass while you are miserable or happy. might as well try to live it happily. don't let it all pile up.

everyone has a story, no one wants to listen to it.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

I think this is the part im realising. Misery actually became normal to me....almost comfortable that when anything good came my way I somehow ensured it wouldnt entered my life, because i felt i was undeserving.

But im glad im coming out of this and realising that life is short, im young and its a sad existance to live where I dont allow myself to live in the best way I can.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

yea i just realized it too :D hah..no one will give us a new mirror to start over. don't even try to fix it? who cares...just think of the present and look ahead. we become comfortable in our misery and indifference and emotionless easily. it's so hard to come out of it...like i am working hard on not spacing out these days ...it's like i have pushed too much in the back of my mind...it's ready to explode :D

lets stand up against being passive:D start with smalll steps.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

I think we all go through a process of grieving after something like that. Now it's completely up to you when you want to stop the grievance. Turn the page and realize that you cannot let his words control you. If you find his words still haunt you to this day, then try separating yourself from them, know that it's not you, it was him and his insecurities. Work on securing yourself, acknowledge your abilities and strengths. You can do it!

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

No offense but you need to get your head together before you graduate, no one wants a nut-job for a doctor.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

Thanks :)

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

Most doctors are nut jobs. I have studied with them and worked with them.

Guess what sara...doctors are human beings!!

We never let our own issues affect the lives of our patients.

Its people like you who are like my ex bf.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

I don't think so, I have never begged anyone to take me back.

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Re: You can fix a broken mirror, but the cracks will always remain.....

just because she is going through a difficult phase in her life does not make her a nut job. this is one aspect of her personality, something i am pretty sure you understand.