re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
S and S, one of my best friends is Arab and also had a v.strict upbringing in terms of her movements (tho like most of them she was allowed to wear whatever she liked at home).. As soon as she turned 18 she started making plans to move out and quickly saved up enough for a deposit to rent a flat.. She didn't tell her family anything about her plans as she knew their was no way in hell they'd allow it so she just did it.. One weekend she just moved out without telling anyone, switched her phone off and everything.. Of course her parents were frantic but after a few days they calmed down, her dad said 'sorry' and admitted he'd been too strict.. He said she'd be allowed more freedom if she returned home.. An extreme case but it shows how some parents think and behave.. Some know deep down that they might not be fair but don't want to admit it until they more or less have to..
I know of a Bengali girl who did a similar thing because her parents were strict as well.. In her case tho the parents weren't so forgiving and didn't speak to her for years.. I think they've made up now but she was an outcast for a long time..
I'm not say run away from home girls before anyone jumps on me.. just giving a couple of examples of what can and does sometimes happen..
re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
Yes, everyone has heard this line. I think it is totally understandable to some extent. For example, before I was married, I was not allowed to travel or go away. My mom said I can do the travelling when I get married. I completely get why she said what she said and complied. Why defy her wishes if I KNOW one day I would get to travel with my husband.
Then there are the CRAZY parents who use this line on their daughters to keep them under TIGHT control when unmarried but could seriously give a rats behind what their daughter does once married. ALL they want is for her to be married. I see this scenario all too often. Parents make daughter where hijab before marriage. After marriage the hijab comes flying off and she starts dressing like a complete s*l*u*t. Seems hypocritical to me. If they were ok with their daughter dressing like that and engaging in certain activities (i.e. drinking) after marriage then why keep her on such a lockdown before marriage? I just don't get some people.
re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
Khatti, I don't understand when I read that here as well. I never even saw girls in college or university walking around in Kurta shalwars unless they were international students. Those guys I totally understood but shalwar Kaneez was never forced or worn unless at community events or dawaats with one I knew. Even then not all the time. I was always told to cover but not specifically not made to wear certain things. I could of lived in PJs and sweats for the rest of my life if someone allowed me to lol.
Same here. In our household we can basically wear whatever as long as its decent and covering, we never had anyone actually forcing us to wear only shalwar kameez. But wore it when we had to like at weddings etc.
re: “You Can Do Whatever You Want After You’re Married”
I come from a fairly liberal family. Growing up there was not a lot of things I wasn’t allowed to. The same rules applied to me and my brothers . I’ve done a lot of fun things in my late teens and if my parents ever felt there was a safety issue etc. they always came up with some sort of arrangement. I think having a twinbrother and cousin-brother around the same age and within the same social circle probably helped a lot
I wear shalwar kameez at home. Not because I’m not allowed to wear pjs but I do sleep in shalwar kameez too. The relieve when I change from jeans to shalwar kameez - it can’t be described in words
re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
Never heard that line. Was always told the opposite but thank god that I married a man who loves and respects me. He'd never stop me from traveling or doing my own thing, just like I'd never stop him. I guess it depends on who you marry. And my parents have never interfered in my married life.
re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
My parents never told me this. If anything, it was the opposite. They never restricted me from doing what I wanted (within reason of course). My mum always told me "enjoy this time because after marriage you'll have more responsibilities and will not have as much free time as you do now." However, it was never a question of "oh, do everything you want now because your husband and in-laws won't let you later on." It was more about explaining that after marriage, one has more responsibilities and concerns, regardless of whether or not you live with your in-laws (which isn't common in my community). As far as interfering in my married life, my parents have never shown any inclination to do that (but then again, I’m quite recently married). I doubt they ever will in future though as they really aren't the interfering type (based on the fact that they don't interfere in my brother’s marriage and have never done so).
I'm rather against the idea of parents giving their daughters false hopes in the "you can do whatever you want after you're married" sense because, realistically, it isn't true. Even if you live on your own, it's hardly a paradise where you can do whatever you like, whenever you like. Your house won’t maintain itself, your jobs won't do themselves and the bills definitely won't pay themselves, so it's rather obvious that you and your husband will not have as much free time to do whatever you like as when you were single. However, I also find it rather appalling that many parents talk about marriage as if it is the end and that one should accomplish everything one wants to do before marriage because after marriage, you won’t be able to do anything. Marriage is a different stage of life and is quite different to being single, but it’s hardly the end and is definitely not all drudgery and monotony.
re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
PS: I have seen women dress and behave much more behooda after marriage. Its as if unka Chaaaka khul gya hai. They be all flowing out of their dresses n shizz.
Re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
Some girls have it in them to defy rules...some people who's personalities have been shaped in a certain way or who are not very rebellious would have issues going against the grain. My parents were very strict with us...we didn't even mingle with boy cousins.
In my family, I am the only one who lived alone before marriage, did what I wanted when I wanted and delayed marriage for as long as possible. My sisters all did what was expected of them appropriately and are very happy as well. I just wanted to do things my way and experience different things. No regrets.
In reality, you do whatever you want before you're married. When you're married, apni itni nahin chalti jitni maan baap ke saat chalti hai. And its fine because you should be considerate of another party. But yeah, your parents will spoil you in a way no one else can.
Re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
Getting married is like opening pandora's box. In some it brings out the best of them, but in others, it pushes them to defy limits which they did not even believe existed.
Re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
My mom has always encouraged us more to travel, explore, do whatever we feel like. Heck, even when I'd meet my husband when we were engaged....my mom didn't mind because she would say now is the time to have fun, after marriage it's all routine so go, have fun. Within limits of course. She also encouraged me to travel with my friends. My dad is a little strict, not too much....but he didn't like me traveling with my friends. So I compromised by going somewhere in the neighboring country rather than a different continent. I did have a 11.30-midnight unspoken curfew at my parents though, which now I don't.
Things have, in a way changed a bit after marriage because I got to explore and travel even more freely. Hubby and I lived in Europe for over a year so we would travel every other weekend. Now that we're back, we're living on our own so that's ok too. But my in laws aren't strict at all....both me and my SIL don't have to wear shalwar kameez or anything in front of them. They don't care.
Re: “You Can Do Whatever You Want After You’re Married”
My dad said it mainly cos he didn’t want us to lose Pakistani culture…wearing shalwar kameez at home is very common in Pak obvs. My dad really wanted us to keep in touch with our roots/culture…we were encouraged to speak Urdu at home, spent as many summers as possible in Pakistan learning Punjabi, spending time in the village where my grandparents grew up. In middle school I went to a sort of Sunday school which was a mixture of religion and also taught us how to read and write Urdu…I can read Urdu pretty well, can’t write much though. I’m glad I took it…I don’t stand out as much in Pakistan. I like it.
And to address some previous comments…although he emphasized culture and religion a lot - he never held me or my sister (in high school now) from achieving educational/personal goals…my sister is a part of a program that helps girls from Africa come here and learn skills that will be useful to them in supporting themselves and their families in Africa. She will inshAllah be going to Kenya and Niger this summer - my dad sent in her application to be chosen. He is our biggest supporter and advocate for continuing education…Just bcos some parents have different (more strict) parameters/rules for their families doesn’t automatically mean that they lock their kids/daughters in cellars and only let them out for food. My mom always said the ‘shaadi ke baad’ thing…but I still got to go out and have fun, the difference now is i don’t have to ask permission…or run by who it is, what am i wearing, etc etc. Not moving out before shaadi and following my parents rules doesn’t make me unambitious or sheltered. No offense intended to anyone reading…just wanted to clear it up…I think madz124 stated it perfectly.
Re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
Hey the only way parents can be supportive is if they let their daughters slut themselves out. Anyone else is regressive degenerate unable to free himself from the clutches of an outdated culture and tradition.
Re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
Hey the only way parents can be supportive is if they let their daughters slut themselves out. Anyone else is regressive degenerate unable to free himself from the clutches of an outdated culture and tradition.
Re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
It was opposite for me, my parents being Pakistani parents (living in Pakistan) were very liberal, I get to do things that were restricted for girls at that time in college or med school which may not be as crazy as your standard, but from Pakistani standard it were quite questionable for girls to do at that time ( and I am talking about 10 years ago)like getting nose pierced before engagement or marriage, wearing saree before marriage, going out with friends, sleep overs.
My khalas (aunts) used to say to my mom, let her have fun, what if her husband or in laws didn't like certain things and that's true for me , my husband didn't like my nose pierced and I haven't wore a nose pin since I got married.
There was a time in med school when some close friends only got permission to attend a Junon's ( Ali Azmat) concert because my mom came with us.
Re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
I didn't really have major restrictions. I just came home from school and studied, and was busy trying to do well at school and make a good resume for colleges. But if I asked to go somewhere like the movies, etc, the answer was no mostly for financial reasons. Buying a 5 dollar movie ticket back then was a big deal for my family.
In college, I earned on the side, and had a little pocket money, so I would go at least once in the semester and eat out with friends. Everything I've done, the good and bad, my parents know about. I have a good relationship with my family, so trust was never an issue, and I rarely did anything out of line.
I was just too busy with work and studies to goof off, even if I wanted to, no time.
Re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
My family always encouraged me to achieve my fullest potential in terms of education and my career.
My dress code was always conservative and as for going out with friends, this was not allowed. As a result, I developed a fantastic relationship with my older brother who would take me to the movies, dinners and before marriage we have even done a few overseas trips together. Had my parents been less strict, I don't think I would have been as close to my family as perhaps I would have spent less time with them as a result. I am glad of the outcome.
Now that my nikkah is done, hubby takes me wherever I want to go which of course my family is fine with. If I am coming home late or we are going out to dinner, my parents have a rule that he must drop me back home as they don't want me driving alone at night which I completely understand (and he wouldn't want me driving alone late at night either).
Re: "You Can Do Whatever You Want After You're Married"
I grew up for the most part in Pakistan. I was pretty liberal there I guess. While I never went for sleepovers within town and dressed in shalwar kameez while in Pakistan, I did go all over karachi alone in rickshawas and taxis for work and shopping etc. I also went outside the country twice alone, stayed with friends/ family there but basically went there alone and roamed around there alone too for the most part. Attended concerts with friends, went out to eat with friends too alone many times.
After marriage, I face more strictness when my in laws come over as they frown over going out. So I guess I had more freedom n some ways after marriage. I am surprised though to se how girls have adjusted themselves well after marriage when they go abroad and settle down and they go all over the place alone from the get go. Despite the fact that most girls wee not allowed to go out alone before marriage in Pakistan.
