YES, I need help.

Lifestyle Relationships
1

okay, you know all these threads in life1 about new wives thinking about separating with less than a year into the marriage because of their husbands doings and their mil not being nice? And all these threads against “evil” mil’s over all? I can connect to them like there is no tomorrow.

I am 27 years old and I had seen it ALL by the time I was 14: when it comes to the husbands who fellow their moms around and forget their wives, the most eviliest mil, sil’s, etc. men getting married again while he has good daughters at home and an amazing wife who literally never spoke a word in front of her husband or her inlaws because she was weak and scared what will the world say if she got kicked out of the house, what about her daughters. She didn’t have a father or brothers for support

You ask how I knew all this? THAT WAS/ IS MY MOTHERS STORY.

Since the day I was born my life has been a like a drama from TV with a traumatic childhood where I was taken away from my mother she was abroad and I was sent to pakistan with my dad’s family, for 10 years. For the first 10 years of my life I thought I was an orphan even though I got visits from my parents but they were for like 2 weeks out of the year so it didnt make a difference.

BTW, http://www.paklinks.com/gs/parenting/496702-need-a-break.html
^ I read the first couple of posts and remembered what happened to me with tears in my eyes, the beatings, lack of nutrition, no love ( who’s gonna love a child who’s parents left her in an other country so they can work on their careers/ who’s mother was too weak to fight for her?? Why would anyone love a child who’s own parents, alive and well didn’t care). THIS PART OF MY POST IS FOR GS PARENTS: PLEASE never send your child away, because you will never know how they will be treated behind closed doors. I can’t bare to read the rest of that thread because there ARE soo many loving parents on GS that would never let that happen to their child, but I wish I was lucky enough to have parents like that. But what can you do, right? That thread only makes me cry.

Back to my point, I came back to my parents after 10 years of my life, since than I’ve been here. I went through depression solid 2 years, tried to commit suicide ( thankfully that didn’t work). But I’m okay, IT always comes back to hunt me with every discussion I have with my parents as I never like to point it out that they failed as parents but I cry. That my solution, crying. Healthy or not it keeps my life drama free during the day, maybe an hour or two at night before I sleep I think of everything I have been through and just cry. Why did I have to grow up so fast? I was forced to grow up. I never had a true childhood. I spend my days washing dishes, taking care of old people, cleaning the floor, and if something wasn’t right it was beating time with a stick/ chair/ hands, whatever! But I’m okay, somehow, I guess ALLAH made me strong and I have a great guy in my life too who tries and always does keep me happy. That you ALLAH for that amazing man.

BUT NOW, it’s time for me to take care of my parents. But the question which comes back to my mind is they didnt take care of me so why should I? They sent me away so should I. They ruined my life I should ruin their’s. But I wont because I have too much fear from ALLAH.

But HOW CAN I KILL THESE IDEAS IN MY MIND???

I guess I have never dealt with my depression, instead just cried, because even my parents don’t get it, But what the point of explaining right? Time has passed and iA’ when I get married it’ll get even better.

I hate my mother for NOT FIGHTING FOR ME, HER OWN CHILD
I hate my father for forcing my mom to send me, not caring for me because i was a girl, getting married again, never understanding what he has done to me.
I hate his entire family for treating me like a nokrani from when I was like 3. beating me. hating me. you know the rest.

But is there anyway for me to completely forgive?? how??? I’v been trying for a long time but there are just soo many people to forgive, since all of them at one point or an other beat me, got my dad married again, hated my mother, took my childhood away from me, abused me etc.

There is so much depth to my pain as a child, when those flash backs come in my mind, ( the image of my phopo beating me until my back was blue, of my dadi hating me for being a girl and telling me to die because no one would care and no one would remeber), i feel like killing someone because now i’m older and no one can abuse me. I’m 27 and STILL not over it, so YES I NEED HELP!

2

Re: YES, I need help.

You nailed it, yes you do need help. Try and see a counselor or get referred to a Psychiatrist. I know its a taboo thing to do in our culture, but believe me its the only way you will get confidential and professional advice.

Mort importantly, they will not treat you as a sick person, but rather as someone going through a bad time. It may not work for everyone but its worth a try, better yet the first difficult step on the road to resolving your problem.

3

Re: YES, I need help.

Hi

First of all, the first step is having the confidence to share your story and thank you for doing that not only will it help others but it will also help you.

You do need help, professional help.

Even though I have lots of issues myself ( we all do)....I worked in a clinic for 3 months as part of my training which provides therapy, i come from a very asian city in the uk and lots and lots of asian women come to the clinic with all sorts of issues so you wont be the only one or some weirdo.

I think some therapy would be great for you. Which country are you in? In the UK you will get it for free.

I think from seeing others in the clinic and my own personal experiences the one thing that needs to be tackled is the resentment...resentment is powerful and can control you.

From when you tried to commit suicide did you come across professionals? how do you feel about them? do you feel you could trust them?

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Re: YES, I need help.

I live in the U.S

When I tried to commit suicide I was just about to be 15. This was when I TRULY began to understand that what happened to me was not normal in anyway. it just all started hitting me. non of my friends has scars on them like I did, physical or emotional. so that was my reason.

After it happened, my mom realized this was something serious but still she was/ still is too weak to take action. My dad just laughed at me. So I never talked to him about this again. I went to one meeting with a counselor, but he just didn't get me. I also didn't trust him to share any of my personal details with him.

I always tell myself I'm okay, but my mind is gloomy and sad and gets so negative so fast. Seriously, not matter what my parents did I can't be mean to them because I know this was a challenge from ALLAH and iA' after I get married everything will be better. But my negative gloomy thoughts just don't go away.

resentment, is the perfect word to explain my pain from my childhood.

5

Re: YES, I need help.

So sad to hear you story.
I hope no one ever goes through what you went through.
Sadly, I do not know what to say and I think you should seek a psychologist.
But mashALLAH u are a very brave girl to open up and share your story.
May ALLAH(SWT) ease your difficulties and grant you a lot of happiness.
Also its great how you remembered Allah tala after all that you have been through.
I hope your parents understand their mistake and at least make up the lost time by loving you and caring for you.
Good luck :)

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Re: YES, I need help.

Being able to be able to build a trust with a professional is something called a 'therapeutic relationship' some find it easy...some find it difficult.

You seem like a really insightful person i.e. you know whats going on in your head. I will private message you the name of a book which I know alot of my patients and I myself used and it worked well.

When you carry resentment in yourself, you carry a black cloud with you and this black cloud gives you a negative internal dialogue and limiting belieifs....which in turn affects the way you see your self, others and how you live your life.

What you need is to somehow break the cycle...get rid of that internal dialogue shaped by your experiences and turn it into something healthier and positive.

Have you ever tried journaling? I know it sounds minor but it honestly really helps. A structured way to get your thoughts out is really powerful, maybe even blog on here!

Also the power of prayer is something which will help you too.

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Re: YES, I need help.

All I'm going to say is, your dad is an asshole.

8

Re: YES, I need help.

OP :hugz:, i’m hoping your life from now onwards is much better than what you had gone through growing up, i can’t give you advice on whether you should take care of your parents who never gave you any parental love and let you be abused as a child. If i try to put myself in your shoes, i wouldn’t take care of them, parents are those people that are their for you when you’re a child when you can’t take care of yourself, feed you and protect you, keep you away from any harm, they did none of these things for you. i pray Allah gives you all the happiness and protects you

9

Re: YES, I need help.

Insprion gave some great suggestions.

I am sorry to hear about all of this...its sad and I cannot even imagine what you've gone through.

I think you need to talk about these things openly with someone...a therapist like suggested above WILL help you work through your resentment and eventually feel more balanced.

I will not pretend to know why things happened the way they did. All I know is, Allah swt knows all, sees all and never gives us more than we can handle.

There are people in this world I will never forget because they have hurt me so deeply. It takes a while to get over these things but realize one thing: if you believe in Allah swt then you can leave your grief with Him. Everything comes with a price in this world...it may not be an immediate one but its there.

People pay for what they do at some point in their life or afterlife. Its the law.

10

Re: YES, I need help.

You should look at positive side of life.
It is my understanding that your father did second marriage, and yo also did with another guy.
You should let your parents know that you really have a problem with their attitude and behavior towards you.
Just make your point and make them realized that you know what happened.
It helps you make you feel light and you will get less stress in future.

11

Re: YES, I need help.

My friend:

You are 27.

You seem to have some insight to your problem.

You are better off now.

You are not perfect and no one can be.

Repeating old memories in your mind will only help you if you do not do it to others. Otherwise no help to you personally.

Many people in this world have suffered even worse than you, so if it is worth any consolation, look towards those who were somehow not even blessed enough to write something on internet in English.

Crying to the world will not get you anywhere.

Get over your previous life and move on for better one.

Good luck.

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Re: YES, I need help.

Like Nazijoon said, therapy, seeing professional help is so taboo in our society, but you need it. What you went through is traumatic to say the least, and you need to deal with it to move on. You can't just sit and hope that it will happen...you have to take positive steps towards that in order to make it happen. Please do get therapy =)

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Re: YES, I need help.

You poor thing, to have to go through all that. You cant blame urself for feeling like the way you do.

Sometimes you want to HATE those who put you in a bad situation so its easier to understand and feel ur own pain. But u cant hate them because you are a good person, and good people dont have nafrat inside them. Dont ever blame urself for what happened to you. blame on urself or on ur parents wont help you mentally or physically, it will make u feel like u still have no one.

You need to distance urself away from all the negativity in ur life and concentrate on the happy things. Concentrate on the man in ur life and let him be nice to you and enjoy the joys of life. Past shud always be used as an experience to better your life and the future of ur children. Believe me, when you have children, inshallah, u will the best mom and the best wife because u have seen the dark side of life and u will never want ur kids to go thru that, u will do everything to protect them. at that point in ur life trust me u will develop that 'i dont care about u' attitude to those who treated u badly and u will finally be able to build ur life without needing others around u.

Allah is watching and those who treated u badly will inshallah get their punishment. U just use whats happened and better urself for ur future. ur very strong to have overcome what u have been thru and to come on here and talk about it. be proud of urself and dont ever blame urself for what happened.

i wish u all the best for the future

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Re: YES, I need help.

Okay..... You just showed us hypocrites a mirror. What I understand is you went through HELL. Still, no. no one is on the wrong. Not the reasons and people who ruined the marriage of your parents and enforced you to live away from both nor your parents who never realized and acknowledged you being their responsibility and failed to secure a healthy life and future for you. This is what we are and this is what we do to our children. And this is how easy it is to see someone's life destroyed in the very front of your eyes. Im just so sorry.

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Re: YES, I need help.

      You know, only my fiance knows in full detail what happened to me in  those 10years, and every time he has a way of making me feel like I'm  the bravest girl in the world. And that moment when he makes me feel  like that, it almost feels like "it was worth it." Meaning I passed a  HUGE challenge in my life from ALLAH. And you just gave me the same  feeling. These feelings only add to my strength, which at times I need  very much.  
      
      As bad as it sounds, when I wasn't getting love and help anywhere else I  turned to ALLAH. I would set my alarm for 3AM every morning to have a  talk session with ALLAH, I know it sounds crazy, but I needed it (this  is around the time I had thoughts to kill my self, age 15-16ish).  I  have heard that's the time when ALLAH is the closest to his people. So  sometimes I would talk to him, asking him why did this happen to me or  sometimes I would just cry knowing he's watching over me. I guess that  brought me closer to him. 
      
      ya I guess parents have changed, but only because they're older, age  made them realize they have no one else in the world expect their two  daughters. So I guess it works. 

     I am fine most of the times, but little things will just remind me of my  past and than all my strength becomes weakness ( that's my black  cloud), wondering what did I do as a child to deserve this. The reason I  was reminded of my childhood this time, was because I read that thread  "need a break" in parenting, and it crushed my heart for why I couldn't  have loving parents like the ones there. 
     This is the first time I have EVER written about it. Other times I just  run to my fiance and talk to him and let it out. But writing it out is a  whole another thing. And reading responses from people who don't know  me personally is powerful. Because sometimes I don't think like that. 

    Yes, yes he is. But now *he's* the child (getting older) and I'm  the strong one. Maybe this is my true challenge, on how I deal with this  reversal of strengths and roles. When I see him he's breaking down  inside and he's not the same man who forced me out of his life. NOW HE  NEEDS ME. and there is nothing he can do about that fact. Bus I need to  do my job as a daughter even if he didn't his as a father, and not fail  in front of ALLAH. 

   I know exactly what you mean. but I guess in-part I'm choosing to take  care of them to prove to myself that they didn't completely ruin me.  That I was stronger than their power over me as parents, when I was a  child. 

  THIS, this is what I tell myself. This is something my mother has even  told me, as she does to some extent understand. I CAN handle it. But  than, comes a flash back which destroys me. You know, there is a video  from my childhood (i don't EVER watch them because they're so  depressing) but I got a glimpse of this and I had to stop it. It was one  time when my dad was visiting, and he was making a film of me to take  back to my mom. And all my phopo's were forcing me to say "mamma gandi  hay, mamma nahi achi" and then laughing. And as I watched my eyes in the  video, there was no soul or life in my eyes, because i felt i was  amongst strangers, this is when I was 6-7years old. I was confused as I  thought I was an orphan, and not only that even if I did have a mom why  would I ever call her gandi? 
  
  I can see all of my dad's family paying for what they did, without me saying anything. I hope it continues and gets worse.     

 Most of the times I do, and do it pretty well. As I am able to have a  normal life even with this burden of pain on my shoulders. There is no  point in talking to my parents, because where do i even start? Which  moment do I start with? This is 10 years of torture. SO I guess I will  never discuss with them because they're too selfish to understand.  

Yes, I'm lucky from some aspects. But it's hard to tell yourself this  when you KNOW, what happened to you is not normal and most (thankfully)  do not go through this. And to know that when most of the world gets  down or looses strength, they think of people like me, and say "well  someone has suffered more" that SOMEONE IS ME. But yes, I'm still a  lucky girl compared to others. mA'

Ya I’m thinking about. But like my fiance said last night, I HAVE TO SOLVE MY OWN PROBLEMS, no one else in this world can do anything for me, until I AM able to let go ( unless I take pills, which i don’t want to depend on). But I feel I’m far from that stage. Because small things bring back memories. I have not forgiven. I try hard, but I can’t i don’t know why.

Ya I have seen the worst mil, sil’s and huband. So i can face anything else in the future. Any mil is better than that one in pakistan. And thank you, I do hope I’m a good wife and mother.

Unfortunately, yes. It is THAT easy for a life to be ruined. When this happened to me, I didn’t know what was right and what was wrong, since i was a child. But when I did start understanding, it was like my life was flashing in front of my eyes OVER AND OVER again. All of a sudden I could understand why I randomly used to cry for hours on end. It was because my mind was traumatized to the fullest, and no one was there to help me. I starting realizing that getting flash back of me being tortured because I broke a glass was not normal.

I used to get a dream which was ALWAYS, AND I MEAN ALWAYS in the same house ( my dada and dadi’s home). And EVERY TIME something bad was happening in it, like someone was being beaten, there would be snakes, some sort of war would be taking place but only in that house. This happened straight at least once a week, from when I was 10-18 years old. Since than it’s cut down to once a month. The same house, same people (my dad’s family) doing something bad. This can not be normal by any means. But this dream has clam down from being so graphic and real, and I’m thankful for that. Because sometimes I would wake shaking or crying. Yes, they failed in doing their job in front of ALLAH, but I don’t want to fail in front of him, iA’.

16

Re: YES, I need help.

thats the spirit :sara:

You life will actually start now, when you are married. If you are lucky, and I very much hope you are, your husband will make up for all the hurt took place in the past. But dont make it a one way thing or punish your new life/ new relations because of your bad experiences of past. Be responsive, shower your husband with all that love which you had in your heart for your siblings, everyone, and he will shower you back with the same insha Allah. Let go of all that which is past and bitter. You do not deserve to be more hurtful for others’ doings. Not ANY MORE. Do you?

17

Re: YES, I need help.

Parents are not always right..n i realized after my mom 'failed to be a good mother' she was so caught up in her own demons she dint realize when she passed them on to me. I suffered a lot with extreme insecurity, the sleepless night, the 'talks' with Allah (i still do tht btw) been there n done tht all..I have tried the stupid suicide thing too several times. Even after confronting my mom on what hurts me n crying like a maniac she din't change n over years i realized she is incapable of changing cuz it has become who she is now!

you know what i did? I thought long n hard about it n developed a theory 'Happiness is a conscious effort' whether u have to 'tune' ur mind to feel happy, forcefully think ur happy or surround ur self with people or things tht make u happy..DO IT! Cuz in life u'll find a million reasons to depress u, a million demons u'll fight with on a regular basis but its up to you how u deal with them. No one is happy 'magically' i feel its just a matter of tuning ur mind to the right frequency.

My mom is still the same but my perspective has changed i have tuned myself in a way tht i have recently even started having the 'loving' feelings for her..The demons she unknowingly passed on to me still stay and reflect quite negatively in my relationship on a regular basis (especially with my fiance) I know i have not moved on yet (duno if i ever will) but i knw im working towards being a happier person n Mashallah its working :) I hope the same for u!

p.s: my experience wasn't as drastic as urs but i feel pain is pain can't be measured who's is more or less..

18

Re: YES, I need help.

Why am I feeling a bit sick? :(

Ah! I know ... It was the Window Licker

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Re: YES, I need help.

You've tried to solve your own problems, right? Did that help? No. Now you need to seek help. You need someone to be your "buddy" and only a psychologist can help you with that at this stage in your life. You said yourself, you're trying your utmost hardest but it isn't working. And no one is sayin that that is a bad thing. What we are saying is that sometimes it's not a bad thing to seek professional help. Do not assume that once you go see someone, they will prescribe you pills. Go to an approved psychologist, as psychiatrists are more likely to prescribe you medication (a psychiatrist has an MD, while a psychologist has a PhD, and most of the time they aren't allowed to prescribe anything). Cognitive-behavior therapy is what I would suggest, as they do not use medications, but instead talk and bring about behavioral changes within you to deal with a situation.

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Re: YES, I need help.

i literally cried with tears while reading your childhood…i m soo sorry to hear all this… i just cant imagine what u’ve been through

mirage has pretty much said what i had to say to u

may Allah bless u with loads of happiness and love, ameen :sara: