X-husband Dilemma

Lifestyle Relationships
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I have a friend who married to pakistani dude and she has daughter from previouse marriage. He is a good guy and good husband and father but he has one issue (typical desi problem) for visitation he wants step daughter’s father to pick her up from school and drop her off there , really don’t want him to come close to his home.
Her X says that he can see her when he gets time like sunday’s for 3 hours which mean he has to come pick her up from her home but her current husband won’t allow it.
my friend asked me for advise and I wasn’t sure what to tell her.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

I'd talk to him about it. This is nonsense...who is he to limit a child from her father? There's no concept of "allowing it or not". Its not his place to tell someone else when and how they can see their kid.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

What does the court order say about reasonable accommodation?

If the court orders give the real father visitations on the weekends without restrictions, then I don't believe the Pakistani father can stop the father from picking up his daughter from the home.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

If the current husband won't budge and the father cant rearrange his schedule and Sunday is the only option.......then can they not agree upon a meeting place (away from the home) to pick/drop off the daughter? For example, the girl can be picked up and dropped at the public library. Though that would mean that either the mom or the current husband will also have to go to and from the meeting place. That can be a hassle, but at least it'll be "away" from the home. If his issue is also that he doesn't want himself or his wife to meet the father/ex husband....then that will be tough to avoid in the case of a mutual meeting place because both parties will want to make sure the child is safely dropped off and picked up.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

Seems like her "typical desi" "pakistani" husband is better at managing her baggage then she
is her self.
I say if dude don't want close to the house don't insist on it.
Or in couple of years she would be managing 2 visitations.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

The Pakistani husband has no right to stop the ex-husband from visiting his daughter when he shares custody with the mother. If this is in the U.S., the details of visitations should've been written out in the custody agreement.

Assuming there is no previous court approved agreement, another option is the RV suggested. The mother and the biological father can agree on a mutual place to meet to pick up/drop off the girl (ex. library, starbucks, shopping center etc.).

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re: X-husband Dilemma

Actually yes he does. His home is not public property. More so he has every right to deny access to his home to anybody he wishes. There no issues of visitation rights as the husband will pick up the daughter and take her to his home. Seriously what kind of dead beat dad meets his daughter in another man's home?

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re: X-husband Dilemma

The Pakistani husband can stop the man from coming on his property, however, he cannot prevent the man from picking up his daughter from outside his house, for example on the street outside the house.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

The kind of dead beat dad that picks up his daughter from her current residence and drops her off there as well. This is a very normal thing...picking up kids and dropping them off at the home of the parent that has joint custody. How else would this work? The current husband is just having jealousy issues and is trying to make things as hard as possible.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

How is he a deadbeat dad? And how is he supposed to get her? Through teletransport? "Beam me up beti?"

If people (men or women) cannot handle or accept that an ex- spouse exists, then maybe they shouldn't marry someone that has a child form a previous relationship. Just a thought.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

Children being picked up at the residence of an ex-husband or ex-wife when the two share custody is a very common thing in the U.S. If the legal custody agreement states that the biological father will pick up the child from the child's residence, then preventing him from doing so violates a court order. Besides, what about the wife? Isn't it her home too? Doesn't she have any say in what goes in the house?

Unless the woman hid the fact that she has a daughter with her ex-husband and shares custody, the Pakistani man knew exactly what he was getting into when he married her. If he is not willing to assist the little girl in maintaining a positive relationship with her biological father....who btw clearly wants to be a part of his daughter's life....then he should not have married a woman with a child.

From what OP has written, I believe the Pakistani husband is doing this solely b/c of his ego. And for him to put his ego first instead of thinking of what's best for a child is beyond pathetic.

And btw, since you clearly don't know what the term "dead beat dad" refer to.....allow me to educate you. "Dead beat dad" refers to a dad who is negligent in his parenting responsibilities. The biological dad in this case clearly wants remain a part of his daughter's life and do what he can to see her.......OP didn't write anything the even hints at him being a bad guy or a bad father. So based on the info. provided so far....the guy is actually the opposite of a dead beat dad.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

I agree with Reha here. It is clear that current husband have jealousy issues. Though when he married this woman, i presume..he married her with understanding that she has one child and father would come visit his kid. But meh!..

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re: X-husband Dilemma

I have a simple question for the original poster, did the current husband state that the child would be picked up from other venues before the marriage and other processes occurred? Did he make it clear and has the wife changed her mind?

I will add a bit more to my reasoning for the guy being a dead beat dad and here it is. The current husband is a Pakistani gentleman who has accepted a woman with a kid from another man and married her. How many of you women know men that would be willing to accept such an arrangement? I bet you could count them all on your one hand. 99.99% of Pakistani men don't accept a divorced woman. Let alone a divorce women with another man's child. Of course then they get married and he accepts the kid. The original poster has already said the man is a "He is a good guy and good husband and father". Meaning he has accepted the child and treats the child well. So this gentleman is a class above the rest.

If you have any issues with the logic so far do let me know.

Now if a man has accepted someone else's child as his own, provides for both the mother and child, takes good care of them because after all "He is a good guy and good husband and father", then how much of a stretch is it that he may be doing so for the safety of the child? Or because the ex-husband has a sketchy past or he maybe an unsavory character.

A man who can accept another man's child is not one who will be jealous of him coming to his house. After all accepting the child as your own for a Pakistani man is nearly a billion times harder than accepting the man to enter your home for 10 minutes.

You all have no information about the ex-husband. You have no information why they got a divorce. What you are doing is reading Pakistani male and going off the deep end based on personal biases and not logical deductive reasoning based on the information provided.

A man who can accept another man's child is not one who will be jealous of him coming to his home. A man who can accept a woman with a previous marriage is a man who can manage his ego. Pakistani men have so many issues with virginity and the rest yet this man goes against all the stereotypes and yet he is supposedly jealous of the ex-husband. That is an assumption not based on fact or logic. Its one based on narrow minded biases.

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I'm trying to see the situation from the stance where a desi woman accepts a child from her husband's previous marriage. While it takes a big heart to do that, she still might feel insecure at times when seeing her husband interacting with his ex wife...it could remind her of the relationship they once shared and the bond that they'll always have because of their child/ren. Seeing the ex wife on her own turf might even make her feel like an outsider or lead to mental comparisons. It's human nature. Therefore, i don't think it can be said with 100% certainty that a husband who accepts his wife's child from another would never feel jealous/insecure/awkward at all. Human nature can be capable of greatness and pettiness at the same time. Not sure what the OP is implying by saying "typical desi problem".....it might refer to jealousy......however, Zafra made a good point that accepting a child that isn't his is pretty "untypical" thing for a desi guy. Besides emotional discomfort.....another plausible reason could be that the wife and her ex husband easily get into arguments when they're around each other....or perhaps the husband and ex are not on good terms....and the husband wants to avoid drama in his home and maybe also doesn't want the child exposed to it.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

Im just wondering, the OP + the wife + the ex-husband ...... are they all Pakistani too?

Also, it's dilemma, not delima.

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re: X-husband Dilemma

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re: X-husband Dilemma

Zafra.....you don't know how wrong you are.
There are many, many Pakistani men that will marry a divorced woman and/or a divorced woman with a child and care for that child as if it were his own.

An honorable and good man is one that helps in every effort to ensure that a child retains a healthy relationship with his/her biological father. Period.

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Re: X-husband Dilemma

This makes absolutely no sense at all. So you think the 2nd Pakistani husband is a great guy…so that automatically means the ex-husband is a “dead beat dad”?! :konfused: Even after I stated the actual meaning behind the term “dead beat dad”…if you still insist on making up your own definitions, then there’s not much I can say. But in my humble opinion, your logic above is ridiculous.

LOL…are you serious? Well, if the Pakistani husband is worried for the safety of the child OR the biological father is a “unsavory character”…then why would the Pakistani father allow him to leave with the child at all?!! If the child’s safety is in danger, then how on earth is the Pakistani father protecting the child by allowing her to be picked up at school?!

Besides, why do you have such a low opinion of the wife/mother of the child in this case? First you say that the house is the husband’s and he can decide who can come on his property…meaning that the wife shouldn’t consider the house as hers too and now this. What makes you think she herself would not take the steps to protect her little girl if there was any danger to the child from the biological father? Why on earth would she be ok with the father taking the child for unsupervised visits if he had any character issues?

Who said anything about the biological dad entering the home? Why can’t the biological father pull up on the driveway, and then the mother can walk the child outside and into his car?

You also don’t have any information about the ex-husband, reasons for the divorce, or how his current relationship is with his ex-wife. Which is why I’m amazed that you would refer to him as a dead beat dad. And suggesting that a man is having a hard time with the ex-husband b/c of his ego is not “going off the deep end”. It’s a reasonable explanation. Just b/c that Pakistani man married a divorcee with a child, that doesn’t make him a saint. He’s still human with normal feelings like jealosy. You are the one that’s going off the deep end by calling the ex a dead beat dad or even suggesting that the child’s safety is in danger or that he’s a shady character.

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Re: X-husband Dilemma

If the visitation is on Sundays, she can do a few things:

  1. Continue with the arrangement as it is, her husband needs to suck it up. If he doesn't, the ex can bring a motion and take her to court and she will be responsible for all costs. Does her husband want that?

  2. Other option is to take the child herself to a place close to the biological father's residence where he can pick her up, and she will be there to pick up the child herself. That way the mother is responsible for picking up/dropping off the child.

No court in the world will be ok with the school being a pick up/drop off location on a weekend.

As for the rest, there are a lot of assumptions in this thread. Wait for the court papers to be published here before coming to your own conclusions.

Just want to add that the courts like "status quo" - in other words, whatever custody arrangements are already in place are acceptable in the eyes of the court. If the mother changes that so that the father's access is made more difficult or limits it altogether, she is changing the "status quo". Not good.