Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
I live independently and i wouldn't have it any other way. I can be independent in my own home, wake up when i wish do as i wish without getting looks of dissaproval. If my MIL was different and accepting of the way i run things then i would have no problem with spending time with her but she is unfortunately just one of those women who just have to get her own way all the time. She is in pakistan and every year me, the hubby and kids go to visit for Eid and stay a few months. During that time she makes demands i wouldn't mind if they were reasonable but they are not, she expects me to not use the same bathroom as my hubby we have a private on connected to our bedroom or put my clothes on the chairs as it is untidy. If i eat something i get the glares like i am doing something wrong plus the whole time we are there she makes it clear on more than one occasion that my DH built this home for her and his sisters, so naturally i feel like an outsider living there and try to compromise as best as i can without going crazy lol . We are going to pak next week lol i am already dreading it
Acha. I dont think what yr mil does is right, far from it. BUT what i want to ask you is that dont most of us go thru the same when we are at our parent's home? there r certain restrictions that dont make sense to us but we have to follow them. Howcome doing that doesnt make us want to move away from them but when it comes to the inlaws all this becomes the highlight of yr life?!. Do u realise maybe if u lived with them they wud also get use to of yr lifestyle n wont act as shocked as perhaps they do now.
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
Why can't you share the bathroom?!
Her beliefs and traditions are just strange like that. She thinks its wrong for my stuff to be in the same bathroom as his and every year we go she always tells me to bring my toiletries down and use one of the downstairs bathroom and we have the same argument everytime when i refuse and tell her that i prefer my own privacy and it would be silly of me to come down to change.
I guess the best thing to do would be to compromise but there is only so much one person can do before going crazy lol
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
I fail to understand why do most of the girls now have an attitude like in-laws,particularly the MIL and FIL, are only of their use to an extent that they give birth to their husbands,bring them up,get them educated enough for what they are, get them married and then get lost?!? DILs just need an established guy who should have no one in this world..aasmaan se tau nai utarta koi. Aagay peechay koi tau hota hai...like my mom says keh ajkal ki larkiyan chahti hain keh buss larka mil jaye aur shadi kay baad Apnay parents aur siblings ko maar day ya kaheen chhor aaye.. And sadly i feel she's right.
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
Her beliefs and traditions are just strange like that. She thinks its wrong for my stuff to be in the same bathroom as his and every year we go she always tells me to bring my toiletries down and use one of the downstairs bathroom and we have the same argument everytime when i refuse and tell her that i prefer my own privacy and it would be silly of me to come down to change.
I guess the best thing to do would be to compromise but there is only so much one person can do before going crazy lol
Strange from my POV... I'll have to ask my fiance if he's ever heard of that.
Maham- I posted that link and it is teh only Islamically derived source of info that I have on the subject... I;m still learning about Islam so I don't preach that I know the whole truth. I just think it makes sense that there cannot be two women competing to lead a household... one of them is going to have to give in all the time which leads to nobody being happy. But, thats just me and my opinion. There are always lots of ways to reach the end goal (ie a happy, healthy family and household).
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
Very well said. Exactly my sentiments.
Could you translate the Urdu?
Even if I disagree with the typical Pakistani sentiment on a subject, I still want to understand as much as possible the reasoning behind it... I think it'll be easier for me to get along with my future inlaws if I can understand at least a little, where they're coming from.
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
Acha. I dont think what yr mil does is right, far from it. BUT what i want to ask you is that dont most of us go thru the same when we are at our parent's home? there r certain restrictions that dont make sense to us but we have to follow them. Howcome doing that doesnt make us want to move away from them but when it comes to the inlaws all this becomes the highlight of yr life?!. Do u realise maybe if u lived with them they wud also get use to of yr lifestyle n wont act as shocked as perhaps they do now.
Yes you are right in that matter but with our parents they set rules and boundaries of course but they also give each son/daughter enough freedom to live their life the way they see right. They don't restrict on what clothes to wear providing they are not too overly revealing of course, eating schedules, they allow expression of self whereas if you try to express yourself at the inlaws then MIL will tell you do this, or do that, and making sure that you follow her routine. If you step even a little out of line then tensions escalate and the home becomes unhappy and not a place to live in
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
Acha. I dont think what yr mil does is right, far from it. BUT what i want to ask you is that dont most of us go thru the same when we are at our parent's home? there r certain restrictions that dont make sense to us but we have to follow them. Howcome doing that doesnt make us want to move away from them but when it comes to the inlaws all this becomes the highlight of yr life?!. Do u realise maybe if u lived with them they wud also get use to of yr lifestyle n wont act as shocked as perhaps they do now.
Maham- I think with our own parents, we feel more comfortable to disagree with them, to contradict them and to tell them flat out when they're wrong. Nothing can break the parent/child bond. When we're dealing with our parents in law, it is much harder. We feel awkward disagreeing with them and we fear that if we disobey, they'll resent us forever. I think that is the main difference.
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
Yes you are right in that matter but with our parents they set rules and boundaries of course but they also give each son/daughter enough freedom to live their life the way they see right. They don't restrict on what clothes to wear providing they are not too overly revealing of course, eating schedules, they allow expression of self whereas if you try to express yourself at the inlaws then MIL will tell you do this, or do that, and making sure that you follow her routine. If you step even a little out of line then tensions escalate and the home becomes unhappy and not a place to live in
True. But this is what marriage is all about. LIfe is not always gonna be the same, we wl have to deal and make with diff people at all times in our life.
All that i ask is that the new bride be ready to give it a try. Don't come from your home thinking you will move out come what may. That's all i ask for. Give them a chance and give yourself a chance to change how things work here. Give them so much love that they cant even think of making you unhappy.
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
Maham- I think with our own parents, we feel more comfortable to disagree with them, to contradict them and to tell them flat out when they're wrong. Nothing can break the parent/child bond. When we're dealing with our parents in law, it is much harder. We feel awkward disagreeing with them and we fear that if we disobey, they'll resent us forever. I think that is the main difference.
Ofcourse there is a difference but then this is life. We have to move on in life and deal with all kinds of people within our capacity ofcourse. But do give everyone a chance.
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
Maham- I see where you are coming from but about the fact that you have given them so many chances, day after day you try to please them, and do as they wish but in the end it never makes them happy. I am speaking form own experience but when we go to Pak i don't mind looking after the house or cleaning, cooking etc cos that is what is expected of me i give MIL everything she wants and even at night if she is complaining of her aching feet i gently massage them for her but she is NEVER happy i have delat with a lot from her, verbal abuse, her throwing things at me when i disagree or voice my own opinions. My grandma and grandad, are in pak and I can't even go to see them becasue somehow on the day she always ends up ill or says she will miss her grandkids too much. I have given everything for the past 4 years so much that it has taken a toll on me but again i compromise probably cos i am weak lol but I want to able to live in harmony with her but sadly in my situation that is not the case.
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
Happiness is reason enough. If he can afford it, then it should happen. And if he can't afford it, he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
i would love to have in laws live with , it's just natural for children to be around grandparents and family gatherings are necessary for all kids.
but i think living together in a joint family setting is difficult for both couples, the inlaws and the couple, the inlaws need their privacy and space too so they don't have to see the their son and daughter in law every second of the day. i mean if the in laws act like a elders and not like children giving the daughter in law respect then it'll work out
ideal situation would be the in laws would live in a separate attached area with its own kitchen and bedroom so they can have their own life too and the son with his wife can go about their lives and still be in touch with family
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
It makes perfect sense to me. There can only be "one cook in the kitchen" so to speak so there cannot be two women both leading a household, not without fights at least.
I agree with this saying and to be honest its very true.
Before getting married, I wanted to live with in-laws. I loved the idea of it and since my parents also lived in a joint family for few years. however, after getting married and living with my MIL. I think its better to live in a separate home and visit often. Some times its hard for Mothers to let go and realize that the DIL can take care of the place and her dearest son. Its all about knowing when to draw the line. Anyhow, Islam also does not support living with parents unless they are in need and husband can't afford to give them a separate home.
Re: Would you live with your in-laws or separately?
Has anyone ever asked parents if THEY want thier kids/inlaws living with them? :)
Let's see these threads in 10-15 years. :)
To be honest, When I do have kids inshallah, and they get married and are established then I will prefer them living on their own. Reason being is there are way to many chances of fights and ugly arguments if you try living together. and in the end its the son that struggle to please his mom and his wife. I would hate to be a burden on anyone even if its my own son.
