Re: would you intervene?
I wouldn't tell her to do the letter thing anyways, for obvious reasons you don't know who will read that letter and if it comes back to her it's hell to pay.
The girl who he did have a previous relationship with wants to be with him, but since they're from another community he ended it to be with someone who his parents will arrange. I'm not saying she's a victim because she chose to do the deed with him. The main concern here is just that the girl who might end up marrying him is in the dark.
Would I personally tell or not, I have no idea. I think I would hint at it to my MIL and maybe share my concerns but I guess her relationship with her MIL isn't that close to begin with.
I would personally want to know, but I can see that people posting here are divided. It's a tricky situation :s
Re: would you intervene?
*I quite honestly find "shut up about it cuz i wana do my own mistakes" kind of mentality selfish & naive, cuz in a failed marriage you just don't drag yourself south you also drag your families and in some cases children along with you! *
Agree..
I also find it quite selfish what people say about wanting to know if it was their own daughters or sisters but then keepig quiet when it comes to others.. You shouldn't expect others to look out for you if you have that attitude imo..
Having said that the friend should be mindful of the reputations of the ppl involved.. that's why I'd only ever advise a person to talk about this stuff in complete privacy.. If he/she wants to go ahead with the marriage that's fair enough.. At least they'll know what they're getting into.. In our culture it's not so easy to walk away from a bad marriage so it's even more important to be careful.. I notice a couple of the ppl who are saying 'shut up' or 'don't get involved' also don't advocate divorce except in cases of physical abuse.. That type of thinking is incredibly depressing to me.. It's like saying 'that's life, just shut up and get used to it'.. Hopefully the majority don't think that way because if they do I seriously fear for the kids..
Re: would you intervene?
Agree..
I also find it quite selfish what people say about wanting to know if it was their own daughters or sisters but then keepig quiet when it comes to others.. You shouldn't expect others to look out for you if you have that attitude imo..
That's exactly how I feel at the moment. Being in her place and her family's place I would want to know. I don't think the guy will ever come clean though because that would mean his own parents finding out which would make his life hell. A lot of people do things in their "jawani" and don't realize it can come back to bite you in the a**. I just think if a girl has saved herself for after marriage, she should at least be with a guy who has this type of mentality as well or at least respects her enough to be up front and honest. The sad truth is, in our community no one says anything unless it's happening to them or someone they care about.
Re: would you intervene?
Agree..
I also find it quite selfish what people say about wanting to know if it was their own daughters or sisters but then keepig quiet when it comes to others.. You shouldn't expect others to look out for you if you have that attitude imo..
Oddly, my reason for not getting involved is not that. Personally, I would want to know something like that but, the thing is, I would most certainly not take someone's word for it and would want to verify it for myself. Frankly, there is too much gossip floating around to simply take someone's word on a matter as significant as this.
Verifying the accusation would require revealing the source of the information, which is not an option (as per the OP) in this case. As the OP's friend cannot reveal the source, all she would have is her word that someone told her these things, which I'm not sure people would believe (for reasons stated above regarding gossip) and hence, it seems like too much of a gamble IMO.
Re: would you intervene?
As i said in my post its never "*cuz i wanted to prove myself right" therefore your point about "i do this to *feel better about myself" is not valid
Besides its not about buying a dress a size too big, or relocating, or which major should choose..its about marriage!
If it were you and you had such an information in your hand about a guy who has a history of being an ass would you just shut up about it and not intervene cuz mentally you have given him benefit of doubt? my question is who are you to give him that leverage?
If I was the girl who was getting married to this guy and god knows later my marriage goes south i would blame you for not warning me before.
Therefore i think the facts should be laid in front of everyone and if the guy had truly changed his ways he would have come clean to her and the family and would have taken a new start (just to clarify, new starts are made by coming out clean and taking a decision to mend your ways..not by shutting about it & hoping no one will find out)
I quite honestly find "shut up about it cuz i wana do my own mistakes" kind of mentality selfish & naive, cuz in a failed marriage you just don't drag yourself south you also drag your families and in some cases children along with you!
But there isn't a failed marriage or children involved yet. The person getting married should do his/her due diligence to learn about the potential rishta. You and I aren't responsible for his/her future failed marriage. The marriage will not fail, stop, or succeed due to your involvement. Even if it's an arranged marriage, then it's the responsibility of the immediate family. They should be the ones asking how the guy/girl is. I will tell if they ask me. I will assume they are not throwing away their daughter's/son's life away. I will assume that they know what they are doing.
Re: would you intervene?
I would also add that people are more likely to believe your words if they come to you first rather than you showing up to ruin their moment with your "bura na manna behen magar...." Chances are if they didn't consider your opinion in the process, they will not consider it when you even do tell.