I just wanted to know your guys input on a scenario a friend of mine was describing to me.
There’s a rishta in the works between 2 families that you personally don’t know well but your MIL is basically arranging a guy from their side to get married to a girl within the community. You know for a fact that the guy who they are setting up doesn’t have a good character.. he’s unfaithful, has been in previous physical relationships only to dump the girl later on. You’ve heard, seen and also have proof of his behaviour. However your in-laws are arranging him to be fixed up with an innocent girl from a good family who has no idea about all of this. What would you do?
Do you get involved and try to tell them he’s not good for her? Keeping in mind that this guy is from your in-laws side. Or do you just take a step back and let everything happen…?
I'd put myself in the situation of the girl and ask if that was me would I want to know? In this situation, yes.. Previous relationships don't always bother people (inc me) but I think keeping it secret and portraying yourself as a different sort of person is an issue..
I'd have a quick word with her about it in private.. If she still wants to proceed after finding out that's her decision..
I would send a ANONYMOUS letter to their house with details of the guy's character. But I would not reveal my identity and jeopardize my own relationship with my husband/in-laws.
Are your in-laws aware of this guy's character? Could be that they're not. Since you say that you've witnessed this guy's behavior, is he still like that or had he changed? You can try telling your MIL and see how she responds. You can do what Paheli suggested, but then you maybe shouldn't talk to her about this guy or she could associate the anonymous letter with you should you choose to try both strategies.
Personally, I would not get involved as people have a nasty tendency to shoot the messenger and, as Ethan said above, it really is their business.
As far as having "proof" of the gentleman's behaviour, I would take that with a grain of salt. I am always dubious about people who claim to have proof of the happenings in other people's private lives. How would anyone really have "proof" that he sleeps around and is unfaithful? Other than a sex tape, I cannot imagine how anyone would actually know this for a fact.
Are your in-laws aware of this guy's character? Could be that they're not. Since you say that you've witnessed this guy's behavior, is he still like that or had he changed? You can try telling your MIL and see how she responds. You can do what Paheli suggested, but then you maybe shouldn't talk to her about this guy or she could associate the anonymous letter with you.
I actually advised her not to go to the girls family because she doesn't know them well enough to do that, and if it gets back to her in-laws it could spell trouble for her .. not sure it's a weird situation.
From what I've gathered, the guy hasn't changed. It's anyones guess at this point if he will change after marriage. It's a tricky situation because her MIL is setting up this whole rishta and none of the elders know.
^In an arranged rishta, the two families don't know each other well enough; that's a given. That said, it's not at all strange that your MIL hardly knows the girl and her family. So, this is not a strong enough reason to deter your mil; it's not a reason at all. A more stronger reason or deterrent would be that you let your mil know what you know about this guy, let her know that kal ko agar yeh shadi qaim na rahi or if the girl is miserable, she could be blamed for setting up the rishta. This should make your MIL think a bit more about the rishta. You can even diplomatically tell your MIL that perhaps the guy has reformed himself, but there are no guarantees and she should proceed with caution. In terms of intervention, try this out first before contemplating an an anonymous letter.
I cannot imagine what from my post has amused you so much. It's no laughing matter. I know of two women, a cousin and a friend, both of whom are now separated from their husbands. In the former's case, she was not warned about the guy until soon after the wedding took place. With the latter, her husband had been cheating in her for several years and his infidelity was encouraged by his mother. Only after the marriage was over did my friend learn that mutual friends knew this rishta was trouble and had not warned her. It is a tricky situation. A family has a responsibility to thoroughly investigate a rishta, but sometimes you still don't find out the red flags. When, God forbid, our own sisters and daughter suffer, we wish we were warned earlier by those who knew. Is main hansnay wali to koi baat nahi. And if it was Paheli's post that brought on the chuckle, then I guess my sense of humor is severely deficient.
I cannot imagine what from my post has amused you so much. It's no laughing matter. I know of two women, a cousin and a friend, both of whom are now separated from their husbands. In the former's case, she was not warned about the guy until soon after the wedding took place. With the latter, her husband had been cheating in her for several years and his infidelity was encouraged by his mother. Only after the marriage was over did my friend learn that mutual friends knew this rishta was trouble and had not warned her. It is a tricky situation. A family has a responsibility to thoroughly investigate a rishta, but sometimes you still don't find out the red flags. When, God forbid, our own sisters and daughter suffer, we wish we were warned earlier by those who knew. Is main hansnay wali to koi baat nahi. And if it was Paheli's post that brought on the chuckle, then I guess my sense of humor is severely deficient.
don't be offended by Ethan's comments......
they are not intended for serious consumption anyway.....he usually means well.
^In an arranged rishta, the two families don't know each other well enough; that's a given. That said, it's not at all strange that your MIL hardly knows the girl and her family. So, this is not a strong enough reason to deter your mil; it's not a reason at all. A more stronger reason or deterrent would be that you let your mil know what you know about this guy, let her know that kal ko agar yeh shadi qaim na rahi or if the girl is miserable, she could be blamed for setting up the rishta. This should make your MIL think a bit more about the rishta. You can even diplomatically tell your MIL that perhaps the guy has reformed himself, but there are no guarantees and she should proceed with caution. In terms of intervention, try this out first before contemplating an an anonymous letter.
I think her main concern is that her going to her MIL might strain their relationship as they have one of those typical saas-bahu relations. Her MIL will outwardly ask her how do you know, who told you, etc and want names and details. I actually want her to speak though to her in -laws as well because yes it does concern someones future life. But I will definately tell her to bring up the "might ruin your reputation" bit if the marriage doesn't work out or if they find out later on about the guy.
I think her main concern is that her going to her MIL might strain their relationship as they have one of those typical saas-bahu relations. Her MIL will outwardly ask her how do you know, who told you, etc and want names and details. I actually want her to speak though to her in -laws as well because yes it does concern someones future life. But I will definately tell her to bring up the "might ruin your reputation" bit if the marriage doesn't work out or if they find out later on about the guy.
I think it is very reasonable and logical for the mother-in-law to ask these things. If one is going to make an accusation as serious and slanderous (in the event that it is not true) as the one your friend is making about this gentleman, one must be absolutely certain that what they are saying is true. This would require considering the exact source of the information.
Also, as I stated earlier regarding proof, what your friend is alleging is of a very personal and private nature, so how does she know for a fact that it is true? Hearing from someone or having someone tell her these things is not proof. Overall, I think that your friend should not get involved.
I think it is very reasonable and logical for the mother-in-law to ask these things. If one is going to make an accusation as serious and slanderous (in the event that it is not true) as the one your friend is making about this gentleman, one must be absolutely certain that what they are saying is true. This would require considering the exact source of the information.
Also, as I stated earlier regarding proof, what your friend is alleging is of a very personal and private nature, so does she know for a fact that it is true? Hearing from someone or having someone tell her these things is not proof. Overall, I think that your friend should not get involved.
No no, if that were the case she would never believe it, but she's seen it herself. She's even asked one of the girls he's had a physical relationship with and she has admitted it to her as well and shown her texts, emails, chats, etc. The only thing is physical relations before marriage is obviously wrong and this girl won't step forward and admit that's what happened for her own izat and her parents sake as it is badnaami. So you're right in a sense that she can't name names to her MIL. It's just an awful feeling of allowing a marriage to happen when you know one person is dishonest.
It takes two to tango. The guy may be a player, but if the girls consented to sleeping with him, it's not entirely his fault, nor are the girls entirely innocent.
Now that you've explained the situation in more detail, it looks like a hornets' nest. It would be hard to disclose this guy's past without exposing the names of the girls who may have moved on with their lives. So this begs the question that if the girls have quietly moved on, why not let the guy move on as well? If the guy has decided to settle down as opposed to continuing to sow his wild oats unshackled by marriage, then maybe he has reformed. So, that's one option or way to look at it. Another option is if DIL feels confident enough to speak privately with the guy and express her concerns or if someone else were to do that, you'd get a better idea of whether he's serious about marriage because you get to hear his response. With this option, names may not be expose. An anonymous letter may or may not be taken seriously and I'm now thinking that, this too, can have potential for names being exposed. Or as suggested by others, avoid getting involved if it's going to hurt many people; you are very limited here.
If you have to ask, you probably shouldn't. There are many situations where people should intervene, this is not one of them. It is not like they will believe you anyway.
I just wanted to know your guys input on a scenario a friend of mine was describing to me.
There's a rishta in the works between 2 families that you personally don't know well but your MIL is basically arranging a guy from their side to get married to a girl within the community. You know for a fact that the guy who they are setting up doesn't have a good character.. he's unfaithful, has been in previous physical relationships only to dump the girl later on. You've heard, seen and also have proof of his behaviour. However your in-laws are arranging him to be fixed up with an innocent girl from a good family who has no idea about all of this. What would you do?
Do you get involved and try to tell them he's not good for her? Keeping in mind that this guy is from your in-laws side. Or do you just take a step back and let everything happen...?
You tell the girl and her family secretly. But also tell them that not to mention who informed them about the guy's character. Tell them to do istikhara. I know when one already knows what another person is like, then u may say there's no need to do istikhara. But Allah SWT knows everything, while our little minds don't know much. Maybe he can become a very good person after he gets married? But if not, then that istikhara would show them the result. Ur in-laws know about the guy's character?
I would send a ANONYMOUS letter to their house with details of the guy's character. But I would not reveal my identity and jeopardize my own relationship with my husband/in-laws.
Send the Anonymous letter to the girl's house, and mention Istahara. Don't say anything to your inlaws, because if you know about the guy, so do they.
In arranged marriages, it is up to each side to do their due diligence. If, as part of that, the girls family approaches ur friend.she should speak the truth. Else she is risking her future.
As someone stated taali do baat se bajti hai. So the girl counterparts r also responsible. People should be able to move on.
Now if the girl was in my family i. would want to know. But ur friends best interest is to mind her business. Tough problem.