Re: would you intervene?
tough situation.
if i were the girl who was in rishta talks with this guy, i would like to know about his past that every one in the community seems to be knowing. maybe you can send an anonymous letter or email or something, with gd intentions. or tell the girl's family. do not mention the names of other girls involved etc of course. do it decently and make sure every one knows ur intentions are good.
i like how one poster said that when these kind of men turn out to be exposed after shaadi, and are married to our daughters or sisters, we wish someone had told us about them.
Re: would you intervene?
OP I'm not experienced in these matters but I would go the anonymous route if you feel brave. That way you satisfy your conscience that you've done the right thing and at the same time it won't backfire on you if some think you are intervening for no reason.
Just my 2 cents
Re: would you intervene?
you dont have to go down the route of giving them the details and proof of all your know. What you can do , is , to either speak up with the girl and ask her if you can share with her something in complete anonymity? if she agrees then only tell her to investigate the rishta a bit better since you have heard many things about this fellow. That's all. Dont indulge any further.
For someone who is about to give their daughter away in marriage, even a tiny hint should mean they step back and do some more due diligence.
I have a friend, whose khala was told by someone to "make the decision as carefully as they can" and they immediately realized the person who said it knows more then what is being told to them. They took months to observe the rishta family and eventually decided not to proceed with them because they realized some truth in what had been hinted at earlier.
Re: would you intervene?
Intervening is such situations have always caused me to lose people or people have just stopped talking to me....but they all eventually came back apologizing to me and saying i was right. I never intervened cuz i wanted to prove myself right, i intervened cuz if u have the power to save one person from something bad happening to them, DO IT!TAKE THAT CHANCE!
God knows i would want someone to slap my face if i was doing something wrong and save me somehow..!!
Even if ur words go in deaf ear or you upset some people in the process you know in your heart you are doing it for a greater good of someone else so i say TAKE THAT CHANCE..that's what makes us good human beings!
Re: would you intervene?
I just wanted to know your guys input on a scenario a friend of mine was describing to me.
There's a rishta in the works between 2 families that you personally don't know well but your MIL is basically arranging a guy from their side to get married to a girl within the community. **You know for a fact that the guy who they are setting up doesn't have a good character.. he's unfaithful, has been in previous physical relationships only to dump the girl later on. You've heard, seen and also have proof of his behaviour. However your in-laws are arranging him to be fixed up with an innocent girl from a good family who has no idea about all of this. What would you do?
**Do you get involved and try to tell them he's not good for her? Keeping in mind that this guy is from your in-laws side. Or do you just take a step back and let everything happen...?
was he married before and unfaithful?
it seems that you are having prejudices based on his past. These men also want to settled down at one point in their life, after calming down from all the 'affairs' . Who knows, he might have realized he was wasting his and the gfs time and now wants serious companionship. HE could be a terrible bf but an awesome husband.
Everyone should be given a chance! I dont imagine any family going for a rishta and bringing out the bad past or habits of their sons. It is for the girl side to find out. If he is that famous for his bad etiquettes in the community, then they will find out somehow.
I wouldnt want to interfere because it might be possible that the guy/mother already mentioned this to the girl in private. A possibility.
So yeah, in my opinion, you friend should kindly mind her own business.
Re: would you intervene?
You tell the girl and her family secretly. But also tell them that not to mention who informed them about the guy's character. Tell them to do istikhara. I know when one already knows what another person is like, then u may say there's no need to do istikhara. But Allah SWT knows everything, while our little minds don't know much. Maybe he can become a very good person after he gets married? But if not, then that istikhara would show them the result. Ur in-laws know about the guy's character?
No my in-laws don't know them, if they did I would have told my MIL and maybe she would just mention it, but that's not the case here unfortunately.
Re: would you intervene?
No my in-laws don't know them, if they did I would have told my MIL and maybe she would just mention it, but that's not the case here unfortunately.
Then maybe ur MIL doesnt know about his character either?
If u want, like others have suggested do it anonymously. I mean, we got females in our families. Now would we want that to happen to them? God forbids.
Re: would you intervene?
It is completely up to the OP's friend to decide how she wants to proceed (and I've already commented that I think it is best not to intervene) but I have a couple of comments regarding the suggestion people have given her about sending an "anonymous letter:"
A) In something as serious and potentially life changing as marriage, how many of you would actually take the word of an anonymous letter seriously? Frankly, I would not and don't know of anyone who would. If you do not know who the letter is from, if could very well be from anyone. Since you do not know who it is from, you have no way of determining whether or not the person can be trusted.
B) Nothing is really "anonymous," especially within certain communities. People are also more clever than we give them credit for. If people find out that she sent the letter, drama will ensue and she risks being labelled a troublemaker and accused of wanting to incite drama.
Re: would you intervene?
Intervening is such situations have always caused me to lose people or people have just stopped talking to me....but they all eventually came back apologizing to me and saying i was right. I never intervened cuz i wanted to prove myself right, i intervened cuz if u have the power to save one person from something bad happening to them, DO IT!TAKE THAT CHANCE!
God knows i would want someone to slap my face if i was doing something wrong and save me somehow..!!
Even if ur words go in deaf ear or you upset some people in the process you know in your heart you are doing it for a greater good of someone else so i say TAKE THAT CHANCE..that's what makes us good human beings!
The assumption here is that everyone wants to be saved. Not true.. Some people, no actually, most people want to experience life without others meddling in it and learn from their own mistakes. It is the above behavior that I absolutely hate in some people. I don't care if I make a billion mistakes, I don't need anyone to save me. Let me live and learn! I will take responsibility for my actions. This mentality is the reason why people like myself can't share anything with anyone because it ends up spreading like wildfire and all this is done so you can feel better about yourself. Um no...
Re: would you intervene?
The hypocrisy yet again on display in this thread from the majority of "fairer" sex in here.
A girl has sex before marriage, the standard response from majority guppans here is
"Its between her and her God"
"Whats the fascination with virginity, grow up"
"She hasn't done it after marriage"
"Don't tell anyone, exposing sin is haram"
A man does it - warn the potential rishta.
Re: would you intervene?
The hypocrisy yet again on display in this thread from the majority of "fairer" sex in here.
A girl has sex before marriage, the standard response from majority guppans here is
"Its between her and her God"
"Whats the fascination with virginity, grow up"
"She hasn't done it after marriage"
"Don't tell anyone, exposing sin is haram"
A man does it - warn the potential rishta.
Maine to aisa kuch nahi kaha. :(
Re: would you intervene?
Personally, I do not understand how people find it acceptable to discuss such intimate details of other people's personal lives, such as who they have had sex with, regardless of whether it is a man or a woman (and this is not directed at the OP). Even if there are good intentions, I do not think these justify such an intrusion into other people's private lives. Such matters are private and are between the individuals involved.
Another thing that the OP's friend should be wary of is the suspicion that will fall on her own morality if she reveals something so private and personal about this gentleman, such as his sex life. People may wonder how she knows this and they may not believe that she heard about it from someone else, along the lines of:
"So you know for a fact that he has had premarital sex with loads of girls...really now."
Re: would you intervene?
^ No, not among desis. Your business is mine and mine is no one's.
Re: would you intervene?
The hypocrisy yet again on display in this thread from the majority of "fairer" sex in here.
A girl has sex before marriage, the standard response from majority guppans here is
"Its between her and her God"
"Whats the fascination with virginity, grow up"
"She hasn't done it after marriage"
"Don't tell anyone, exposing sin is haram"
A man does it - warn the potential rishta.
For me it's the** lies** which are the problem, not the previous relationships and it should be up to the other person to make an informed decision on whether they want to proceed with the engagement and marriage imo.. I know I'd be pretty furious if I found out something serious about a guy only when it was 'too late' (ie I was already married) + that everyone knew but chose not to tell me..
I was going to mention what Mezghan already has about the anonymous letter.. I think a lot of people might not take that seriously and assume it's a prank or perhaps someone just being malicious..
Re: would you intervene?
For me it's the** lies** which are the problem, not the previous relationships and it should be up to the other person to make an informed decision on whether they want to proceed with the engagement and marriage imo.. *I know I'd be pretty furious if I found out something serious about a guy only when it was 'too late' (ie I was already married) + that everyone knew but chose not to tell me.. *
I was giving to mention what Mezghan already has about the anonymous letter.. I think a lot of people might not take that seriously and assume it's a prank or perhaps someone just being malicious..
If it's immediate family, then yes! Those who are not involved in the rishta process should not intervene. It's not their business.
Re: would you intervene?
^That's your opinion and I'm entitled to mine.. People don't have to help in any way but I'd appreciate it if they did..
I don't agree that people who say something are necessarily doing it just 'to make themselves feel better' either.. To me that's overly cynical and quite a dark thing to say..
Re: would you intervene?
^.... Until someone does that to you, you won't know how it feels. It is annoying as heck even if they are right. Let people learn from their mistakes. I for one wouldn't care for someone's opinion of me or those who I love. I will believe it when I see it. Anyone else telling me something will only add to my annoyance.
Re: would you intervene?
As i said in my post its never "*cuz i wanted to prove myself right" therefore your point about "i do this to *feel better about myself" is not valid
Besides its not about buying a dress a size too big, or relocating, or which major should choose..its about marriage!
If it were you and you had such an information in your hand about a guy who has a history of being an ass would you just shut up about it and not intervene cuz mentally you have given him benefit of doubt? my question is who are you to give him that leverage?
If I was the girl who was getting married to this guy and god knows later my marriage goes south i would blame you for not warning me before.
Therefore i think the facts should be laid in front of everyone and if the guy had truly changed his ways he would have come clean to her and the family and would have taken a new start (just to clarify, new starts are made by coming out clean and taking a decision to mend your ways..not by shutting about it & hoping no one will find out)
I quite honestly find "shut up about it cuz i wana do my own mistakes" kind of mentality selfish & naive, cuz in a failed marriage you just don't drag yourself south you also drag your families and in some cases children along with you!
Re: would you intervene?
I wonder how many of you will tell the potential rishtas of the girl whom this guy slept with!
My guess none
Re: would you intervene?
I wonder how many of you will tell the potential rishtas of the girl whom this guy slept with!
My guess none
Ironically, the OP mentioned that the manner in which she came to know about the gentleman's antics is from a girl he slept with. She also mentions that revealing who this girl is (for credibility purposes) is not an option because it would damage the girl's reputation (ie. izat) and make her parents think badly of her.
Does the same not also apply to the guy? After all, the revelation being made is quite serious and could damage his reputation as well. Before anyone says "oh, but the guy chose to sleep around, so it is his own doing," it should be pointed out that the girl in question also chose to sleep with this guy, so if her reputation was damaged, it would equally be her own doing.