**about me:
**im an educated female, have a good job alhamdolillah. enjoyed my studies, enjoy my work.
i am a very tolerant person. i honestly believe in live and let live and HATE judging people.
**about my marriage:
**
had an arranged marriage about 7 years ago. no kids.
i live with my husband and his parents in Pakistan.
I have never subscribed to very traditional gender roles - the assumption that the wife will keep the house clean - hello? it is the husband’s house too!
there were 2 things i had clarified to my inlaws before marraige - and my parents had reiterated the same:
- she will continue to work if she wants and there will be no pressure on her to put her career on hold. it is her decision to work or stop working.
- i had stated very clearly that i dont believe in traditional roles of the woman in the kitchen and the husband earning the money. it is give and take, it is about empathy for each other that takes a marriage forward. it is time spent together, helping build each other’s dreams that keeps a relationship going, that, to me, is far more important than being stuck in the kitchen or the garden, ensuring the last tea spoon is on the tray or the last speck of dust has been removed from the windows.
NOW on the flip side, there were some very key issues i ignored during the courtship period:
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within 3 weeks of our engagement, he asked me point blank, about my entitlement for a house loan, since my company provides one for its employees. it was not a discussion of how we will build a house of our dreams together in the future. it was a question : how much loan are u entitled to for a house? since he and his family did not own any property, and had no money for property, i cannot ignore the thought that he got married to me at least due to the house loan aspect. (more on this to follow)
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while i was waxing about my career and my dreams - he was telling me his concept of an ideal wife. his very words: mein chahhta hoon woh meeri shakal dekh kar boley. kuch bhi kehney sey pehley meeri shakal dekhey. this was always followed up with examples of 2 women in his family who are totally subservient to their husbands.
this statement makes me cringe now and i wonder how i ever said yes to this rishta. i was so lost in the so called courtship period that i ignored this warning sign. to be fair, for the first 5 years of marriage, i really did try to do everything his way almost all the time, but by last year i felt he was walking all over me and i had to put a stop to it.
***you will ask me, if you are so independent minded, why didnt u take a stand? ***
i didnt take a stand, because everyone around me told me that girls are the ones who must adjust; girls are the one who must make give in to their husbands 100%. and i believed them. naive of me to be educated and still believe this, but i did.
**the reason why i find it hard to walk away from this man: **
he has a very sweet demeanour. u can spend a lot of time with him and he will charm you. he comes across as funny and caring.
he will tell me he loves me; he will tell me that i am his best friend; he will tell me that his life is incomplete without me; he will tell me he thinks i am beautiful. then, out of nowhere, he will insult my looks - but always in private. he will mix up his compliments with his insults and leave me confused.
when we got married i was very slim. one day, in an intimate setting, he said you have mosquito bites for breasts. and he said this very seriously. i said, u knew what i looked like why did u marry me? no response to that…he said its not like i dont like them. i let it pass…but i said, dont say it again i dont like it thats no way to talk to me. he didnt drop it; it would come up often in private. so i tried to gain weight…after which he had other degrading things to say about my figure -
i love my figure now. and i loved my figure when i got married. but i never had the guts to stand up for myself and DEMAND respect for my looks. it wasnt until, about 6 months ago, one night i pushed him off me and said, if u dont like the way i look, there is no way you are coming near my body, that he backed off from the negative verbal barrage. it took me 6 years to figure out the simple logic that if your husband finds you too fat/ too thin etc then why should he get the advantage of physical intimacy with u???
now he tells me day and night how beautiful i am but i dont believe him…i know i am beautiful, but i refuse to accept this compliment from a man who i believe has knowingly played with my feelings for 6 years.
my dad is a shia. my husband told me the night of our marriage, after rukhsati, just before we fell asleep, that ur mom hid this from us and had we known abt it before we wud have cancelled the shaadi. his attitude was one of extending a favor to me by marrying me…the same drama was repeated by his parents the next day. i hardly slept the night of my rukhsati after this statement from him. i know my mum had told his mum - i was sitting there when she told her over the phone. but my parents told me to let it be because it wud only create a fuss and a fight.
anyway, this was just the start. after i got the house loan from my company, he became very very controllling. he wouldnt like it if i wore bright colors to a place where he wouldnt be with me. he would fight with me if i would wear anything SMART to work. smart means, any kind of clothes which were not baggy or grey/brown/dull in color. its not like i was wearing sleeveless shirts and capris etc.
***i still remember the way i was wearing chooridar sleeves to work and he stopped me and said dont wear that. i said why not. he said. i know how men think. i know what they will think when they see u in such sleeves. ***
i said what men think is not my problem. especially when i am fully covered.
“no u dont know. they will not respect u. u can wear these clothes when u go out with me”
hello?
he is a major control freak. i used to love dressing up. now every time i dress up i have to gear up for a battle, and since i go to work every day, this is a big drain on time and energy.
i have explained that he has major control issues and he has to stop. he promises to stop then reverts.
**he keeps saying he loves me more than his life and if i love him enough i will dress up the way he wants. **
i cant dress up the way he wants. i dont see why its such a big deal with him. my dressing is very modest but i like weairng stylish clothes. he says he hates it becoz such clothes attract attention. !!! i HATE this argument and i am at my wits end.
i got my own car as a gift from my parents when i graduated(before marriage). and i have a better car now, alhamdolillah. he doesnt let me go anywehere in it alone. it was only after he got me late from work so many times that i started losing vacation days as a result that i stood and said i will go to work alone.
he is very controlling and possessive…says i dont trust the law and order situation etc etc. i feel like he doesnt trust me when he refuses to let me go ANYWHERE alone
i have honestly tried to be a dutiful wife and daughter in law but i feel that i have already given up too much of my original identity. i have morphed into a doormat and i HATE it. i cannot continue this way and i have told him this. he promises to change. but he doesnt.
**another example of how our life now grates on my nerves: **
i am not ALLOWED to watch FRIENDS, or TWO AND A HALF MEN or SCRUBS because he thinks they are immoral. well you dont have to watch it with me, thank you very much. but u see, he doesnt ALLOW me to watch these programs. this is a nightmare for me. its like being married to a parent. now i could push the envlope and still watch it, but i come from a conservative family and i know he will throw this in my parents face and say u have a beghairat daughter etc.
but u see, he always knew from before marriage i watch these programs, it is only after marriage that he chose to try to control what i watch and what i think. i feel so disappointed, because i always felt that a spouse is the one person with whom u can be yourself 100% and not be JUDGED for it. i was so wrong.
he only wants to watch Pakistani dramas so im sure u can understand his mindset by now…i really dont care what he watches on tv so long as he doesnt moralise when i am watching something i like.
why and how things came to a HEAD:
he really wanted babies, . we tried all fertility treatments, iui and what not for about three years.
but the docs told us our only option was a test tube baby. i did an istikhara and that was negative. in addiition, i was not comfortable with the idea of docs playing around with my body and my hormones. i shared my concerns with him. we had a huge fight. it came down to, “if u love me, u will do this. i dont care” and like always, i backed down. but i have not been able to face myself after backing down the way i did. i feel as if i truly had no self respect. i feel horrible for being so concerned about a man who placed his desire to have babies over and above his wife’s fears and concerns.
anyway, even the test tube baby attempt was a failure.
just the night before the result he threatened me with a belt. i will hit u with this if the test tube baby result is negative
i told him the kitchen is not far away and i have a choice selection of knives so be careful what u say.
but he was serious and i was serious. this was not a match of wits.
his mother was sitting there when this happened and she didnt say anything
a week later he saw me crying while i was praying. he asked me why. i didnt tell him. he snooped in my cell phone and saw i had smsed a friend that i was very upset about something and i will pray istikhara for guidance so could she also pray. but i didnt tell my friend what i was worried about. he came after me and asked me what i was crying about. i said i cant tell u let it be please. he then tried to strangle me. i said stop it u are scaring me. he didnt. i repeated stop it ure hurting me..he kept looking into my eyes…and stopped.
now he says..both the events were a joke and i over reacted.
he says he loves me but i dont see this backed up by action in terms of giving me what i want - namely, freedom to be who i really am. i feel this is unfair because i have always supported his dreams, small or big. whether he wanted to spend his money on guns, or on golf, on tennis, i always backed him up and even defended him to family members who were against guns for instance.
***after all this, i still get confused sometimes because he doesnt fight all the time, he only fights when things dont go his way. and his way of fighting is not to use abusive words; he will simply sulk, or he will emotionally blackmail me and say if i loved him i would do ABC. ***
***the problem is, each time i try to take a stand for my self, like the night i took a stand for my looks, or if i take a stand and say i am going to abc place in my car etc…he acts as if he is ill… he says i cant breathe…he says i have a huge headache… he says sweet nothings like, u r my life, dont be angry with me i cant live without u. i know he is a self engrossed man but he acts totally broken when i fight so i end up backing off, because i feel like a heartless woman fighting with a man who claims he cant breathe. ***
about the house loan - after the house loan, he would ask me to account for every penny i spent, i told him not to many many times. he would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ask me, while we were in bed with the lights off, about how much i had saved to pay off the house loan. i asked him for years not to ask me this question in bed becoz it stresses me out and i cant sleep and because the bed is the last place i want to discuss money. but he NEVER heeded my requests. i will not say he sponged off me totally, he also saved money and contributed about 15% of the total loan amount. but on the flip side, i have spent on him and his family with an open heart, buying his mum a new summer and winter wardrobe every year, plus eid clothes. all the clothes for his mum were exactly the same price range that i would spend on myself. i would pay the bijlee ka bill too…which was a lot since the ac was running most of the day. etc etc.
my beef is not with the money.
my problem is
- he is too controlling and refuses to change. refuses to even go to a psychologist.
- still tells me he loves me. tells me he cant live without me. tells me he is proud of me. but i cant believe it now after all that i have witnessed.
- my mum thinks i am being ungrateful and this is how men are. i really disagree.. plus its my lfie so i gotta make my decisions and figure things out for myself, right? i refuse to believe any man can walk treat me this way just because he is my husband.
- he threatened me with a belt. he tried to strangle me even though i asked him to stop.
- i do feel as if he loves me because of my money.
- There have been many small incidents that made me feel he doesnt care. one day i had severe stomach flu, and i kept asking him to go and buy ors for me and he kept watching tv for 3 hours just lying there. contrast that with my behavior when i would drive and get a doctor to come home and see him when he had the stomach flu. my mother in law and mother explained this away as: this is the difference between a man and woman. **i am sick of my feelings being minimised by others. **
i dont want to live with this man any more because he refuses to change. he refuses to even admit he did anything wrong. he says he cant figure out why i dont value his love.
please, someone, tell me this aint love.