Re: Would/have you told your spouse about previous relationships?
Thanks Reha and everyone else. I shall pass this on to my friend!
Re: Would/have you told your spouse about previous relationships?
Everyone brings baggage along with them when you enter a relationship. Its not right to ask about past things because you can change it.
Its better to keep you past to yourself as it can create problems for your future.
Re: Would/have you told your spouse about previous relationships?
On what basis can you say the guy seems a bit judgmental?? Firstly, he just asked, secondly, we don’t have enough info on the guy. How can you just generalize something like that??
If its not his right, then she shouldn’t have lied about it, she should have simply told him in first place that it isn’t his right. I would like to know how she would feel or how anyone of us would feel, if our fiance (someone who we are willing to spend the rest of our lives with) says to us that its not our right. It is his business, she will be his wife. She will be the mother of his kids.
When random people ask you, you tell them what is necessary. Firstly, he is not just “people”, he is her fiance, secondly, you tell them what is necessary, you don’t lie to them.
She is acting shallow now because she is afraid of him using it as a weapon in the future (and that too, he might, currently he hasn’t done anything wrong). I’m sorry but you guys are protecting the girl, even though she is clearly wrong in this case, just because you have generalized that the husband is bad. Wow. or actually you think he will be bad not because he is bad at the moment. You are protecting her lie because of some future event which you guys have no idea about. Thats ridiculous. On that basis, one can lie to everyone on a daily basis because of something bad that might occur in the future because of one’s own mistake.
This is just morally wrong on all levels. Her entire relationship started with a lie. This girl is very selfish. She can still do something to redeem herself.
Living in the past is not like poison. Its about honesty.
If she doesn’t tell him now, then one day when he finds out after the marriage, he will have every right to use it against her. And she will deserve it.
Re: Would/have you told your spouse about previous relationships?
On what basis can you say the guy seems a bit judgmental?? Firstly, he just asked, secondly, we don't have enough info on the guy. How can you just generalize something like that??
If its not his right, then she shouldn't have lied about it, she should have simply told him in first place that it isn't his right. I would like to know how she would feel or how anyone of us would feel, if our fiance (someone who we are willing to spend the rest of our lives with) says to us that its not our right. It is his business, she will be his wife. She will be the mother of his kids.
When random people ask you, you tell them what is necessary. Firstly, he is not just "people", he is her fiance, secondly, you tell them what is necessary, you don't lie to them.
She is acting shallow now because she is afraid of him using it as a weapon in the future (and that too, he might, currently he hasn't done anything wrong). I'm sorry but you guys are protecting the girl, even though she is clearly wrong in this case, just because you have generalized that the husband is bad. Wow. or actually you think he will be bad not because he is bad at the moment. You are protecting her lie because of some future event which you guys have no idea about. Thats ridiculous. On that basis, one can lie to everyone on a daily basis because of something bad that might occur in the future because of one's own mistake.
This is just morally wrong on all levels. Her entire relationship started with a lie. This girl is very selfish. She can still do something to redeem herself.
Living in the past is not like poison. Its about honesty.
If she doesn't tell him now, then one day when he finds out after the marriage, he will have every right to use it against her. And she will deserve it.
Yes.
Long term relations like this build on trust, not lie.
Forget what she did. No judgment on that, but lying is not good.
Re: Would/have you told your spouse about previous relationships?
On what basis can you say the guy seems a bit judgmental?? Firstly, he just asked, secondly, we don't have enough info on the guy. How can you just generalize something like that??
If its not his right, then she shouldn't have lied about it, she should have simply told him in first place that it isn't his right. I would like to know how she would feel or how anyone of us would feel, if our fiance (someone who we are willing to spend the rest of our lives with) says to us that its not our right. It is his business, she will be his wife. She will be the mother of his kids.
When random people ask you, you tell them what is necessary. Firstly, he is not just "people", he is her fiance, secondly, you tell them what is necessary, you don't lie to them.
She is acting shallow now because she is afraid of him using it as a weapon in the future (and that too, he might, currently he hasn't done anything wrong). I'm sorry but you guys are protecting the girl, even though she is clearly wrong in this case, just because you have generalized that the husband is bad. Wow. or actually you think he will be bad not because he is bad at the moment. You are protecting her lie because of some future event which you guys have no idea about. Thats ridiculous. On that basis, one can lie to everyone on a daily basis because of something bad that might occur in the future because of one's own mistake.
This is just morally wrong on all levels. Her entire relationship started with a lie. This girl is very selfish. She can still do something to redeem herself.
Living in the past is not like poison. Its about honesty.
If she doesn't tell him now, then one day when he finds out after the marriage, he will have every right to use it against her. And she will deserve it.
There is no good that will come out of this "truth". It will not benefit anyone and it definitely will not elevate her in his eyes. If he asked, he cares about her having no past and probably WILL use it against her in the future. I do not understand how this will practically do any good in their marriage. It will not. So, why go down that road? Why dig up old skeletons? She is in love with him, loyal to him and marrying him. What right does anyone have to go into HER past and question HER about HER actions? Unless her ex is a crazy psycho, she is carrying an STD or she was married, she needs to keep her mouth shut. No one has the right to use your past against you. No one. Its not theirs to use. And people who say it hurts...well...its a bunch of bull because it doesnt hurt anyone more than the person who goes through it. I find it so lame when people say "oh I was so hurt to find out he/she had a girlfriend or was in love before"...how self centered???!!!
In my experience, letting the past die is the best way to secure a good future. People who keep dragging it with them like dead weight end up hurting others who get involved with them too.
Re: Would/have you told your spouse about previous relationships?
There is no good that will come out of this "truth". It will not benefit anyone and it definitely will not elevate her in his eyes. If he asked, he cares about her having no past and probably WILL use it against her in the future. I do not understand how this will practically do any good in their marriage. It will not. So, why go down that road? Why dig up old skeletons?
How the hell can you generalize that? That is complete BS. "If he asked he cares about her having no past" - wow. that is ridiculous. If I like someone and I want to marry them, I would like to know their past because I care about them and because as a future husband, I should be someone who she can confide with and someone who she can share things with.
If I already like a girl, intend to marry her, and have been with her for 2 years and then she tells me that she was in a casual relationship like 3 years ago before she met me, my opinion of her would not change. And if I ever use it against her that would be wrong of me because she was honest with me before marriage and it was my decision to continue on with her, if I had an issue with her past, then I wouldn't have married her in first place. Her past should not be classified as a weapon if she is honest because she is presenting it to him, and if he takes advantage of it then he is not the right person for her.
She is in love with him, loyal to him and marrying him. What right does anyone have to go into HER past and question HER about HER actions?
She is loyal to him - she clearly seems loyal to herself more than anyone else.
The issue is not about what right he has or what he doesn't - firstly, i disagree with your point that he doesn't have a right. Well, I don't want to get into a discussion on that because that is not the point over here. Okay, assuming it wasn't his right, that doesn't mean she lies to him.
Unless her ex is a crazy psycho, she is carrying an STD or she was married, she needs to keep her mouth shut. No one has the right to use your past against you. No one. Its not theirs to use.
Who draws the line here on when to tell a fiance about your past? And once again, its not about using the past as a weapon! It's about trust. After getting married, if I discover that my wife lied to me at the start of our relationship, I would be annoyed at her because she hid it from me and she lied about it not because she had a past but because she lied. The first thing that would pop up in my head is... how many other lies has she said?
And people who say it hurts...well...its a bunch of bull because it doesnt hurt anyone more than the person who goes through it. I find it so lame when people say "oh I was so hurt to find out he/she had a girlfriend or was in love before"...how self centered???!!!
In my experience, letting the past die is the best way to secure a good future. People who keep dragging it with them like dead weight end up hurting others who get involved with them too.
**How self-centered of the people who say it hurts? - Are you kidding me?! In our case, it is pretty clear who is acting self centered and who is trying to secure their future with a lie.
Secondly, they will not be hurt bec she had a boyfriend, they will be hurt because she didn't trust them, and bec she lied to them.**
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Re: Would/have you told your spouse about previous relationships?
As you can see, there is nothing positive to be gained by coming forth with this bit of information. ^
Make a list of pros and cons and go from there.
Re: Would/have you told your spouse about previous relationships?
Ok..lets reverse the situation.....exchange the genders......should a girl be aware of guys past relationships? does she have a 'right' to know how many girls he slept with? I guess if the guy lies about that its alright...ain't it??
oh...and i see 'some people' advising a girl to 'leave the guy because he talks to random girls on facebook'.......and all that before even they get married...
if you advise girls to 'leave the guy', 'break it off now' whenever their guy 'gets aggressive','talks to other girls','lies','cheats' before marriage........because 'its likely that this problem will get worse after marriage'
then shouldn't this guy also expect the same from her? that she will keep lieing to him afterwards too?
Re: Would/have you told your spouse about previous relationships?
As you can see, there is nothing positive to be gained by coming forth with this bit of information. ^
Make a list of pros and cons and go from there.
Thats exactly why we will never come to a conclusion because we're on completely different wavelengths.
You are looking at it from a pros and cons perspective overlooking the moral aspect of it.
And I'm looking at it from an ethical and moral perspective regardless of the outcome (which I do believe will not be bad in this case).
So... yea... thats about it.
However, just for the sake of discussion, I do like the idea of reversing the situation - Should the girl be aware of the guys past relationship? Slept is a bit extreme - lets keep it simple - if the guy had a 6 month intimate relationship with another girl (I consider kissing intimate, I hope everyone else thinks the same, lol) would it be okay for him to lie about it? Would it be okay for him to tell his fiance that he has never been with another girl?
My answer is simple: She should know, he should be honest with her and tell her before they get married.
But for the rest of you, what do you think?
Re: Would/have you told your spouse about previous relationships?
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If I already like a girl, intend to marry her, and have been with her for 2 years and then she tells me that she was in a casual relationship like 3 years ago before she met me, my opinion of her would not change. And if I ever use it against her that would be wrong of me because she was honest with me before marriage and it was my decision to continue on with her, if I had an issue with her past, then I wouldn't have married her in first place. Her past should not be classified as a weapon if she is honest because she is presenting it to him, and if he takes advantage of it then he is not the right person for her.
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Prolly that's cz you're one of hte good ones. Unfortunately there's a few guys who WOULD use that against their future wives.