For the past few days she has been scribbling away in her jotter book and has been very evasive when I ask what she’s writing. I know she’s probably writing a story but she quickly folds it and hides it away.
Anyway today she just left it open and and curiosity got the better of me and I read her story. Started out as a complete fantasy and I recognised it as such as it is on one of her story books about a damsel in distress being rescued by a handsome prince.
Only this time, her saviour is Justin Bieber. The story goes describes how he saves her from her would-be-rapist boyfriend. He assaulted her with a knife and punches her everywhere simply because she would not sleep with him. WTH??? She also ‘tells’ him that he would not use condoms and she was scared of getting pregnant. Justin Bieber befriends her by exchanging numbers etc and they text regular. I know this is pure fantasy and it is very girly and innocent but I was truly shocked about her choice of words. I know she has covered PSHE in school but now I am feeling very numb about reading her story.
She is just so totally in love with him and won’t talk about anything else. She talks about getting married to him, she wears his chain and ring, covers her wall with his posters and has taken his surname. She writes his name everywhere and has started liking whatever he likes.
I know it’s my job to discuss these things with her bit now she’ll think I have been snooping. She goes to an all girls school, thank god and I just don’t know how to approach her. We are of Pakistani descent so anything like boys and sex is very taboo. Yes I will talk to her when the time calls for it. She has started her periods and knows how babies are made.
Am I worrying about nothing? You can be honest with me, just after some constructive advice, she is my eldest and and nearly 13 so I’m not sure on how to handle the situation.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
It might be just fantasy or This might be something serious , something which has happened already. If you do not want to deal with it take her to some psychologist who can talk to her in confidence and get the real story. At this age she might be just fantasizing , but kids do not fantasize about such serious things. Specially when you say "For the past few days she has been scribbling away in her jotter book and has been very evasive when I ask what she's writing. "
If she is obsessed with JB that psychologist can help her over come that obsession too.
Since you asked for honest opinion , I did give my honest opinion.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
I wrote crazy stories/fantasies like that when i was that age..(though I didn't make myself a character).....
Fanfiction has been around for a long time, well, I know it was really big back in the late 90s when I was that age. I'm sure it was present in previous generations too...I used to read stuff just like that...they eventually grow out of it.
It'll be worse if you make a really big deal about it and make her feel embarrassed or ashamed of it.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
I would be up front with her and ask her what she has been jotting away about......if she is still evasive tell her that she is making you nervous about her mental health and that you will next seek professional advice if you are unable to establish an open and honest dialogue.
Let her know that while you are willing to extend her the right of privacy, you can only do so when you are sure that all is well.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
I think every pre-teen/teen does these kind of things, so it might be just innocent. At the same time, I think the overall context of what she is writing is pretty worrying. Btw, when I used to like my favourite singer, my Mum would tell me it's wrong. I think you should stop her from wearing the necklace and ring, and make her take off the posters on the wall. I'm sorry this sounds very evasive, but I think it needs to be done, because the more she buys into it and sees it everyday, the worse it is. But then again, I have never been a parent myself, just a ruddy little teenager who went through this stage of life.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
i think the time to talk is now ......i mean shes already 13 a teenager so u shouldnt wait any longer n have THE TALK with her......n obsessing abt celebrities is getting really bad n the whole media n even childrens place has FUTURE MRS JUSTIN BIEBER tee shirts ,u should let her know clearly that its not ok to say that she is going to maary JB n ask her to show u what she is writing n then confront her what she means by this rapist boyfriend
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
I wrote stories like this when I was her age, I also went to an all girls school :) and it was around this time some of my friends started having boyfriends 13/14 and meeting the boys from the boys school after school etc
My parents never had an issue with me having fantasies about marrying Orlando Bloom or whoever it was at the time I also had a diary with his pictures and hearts etc and me and my mum even had a giggle about it but what they did explain to me is that in our culture and religion its not right to have boyfriends, they explained in a very loving way and said I could be friends with boys (when they came over for joint fun fayres etc) from the boys school but thats it.
The fact that my parents were open with me from a young age means that growing up I was always open with them about every thing and now at the age of 23 I can have a giggle with my mum about the hot senior at uni or whatever because my parents know I am not going to jump into bed with him.
The stuff about rape/abuse is slightly odd, but she must have had a PSHE session at school where they disucssed child abuse in now she has fantasies about being a damsel in distress....and this is the most recent kind of distress she has learnt. She will get over it.
I dont think you need to be tooo worried at the moment just be aware :)
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
I would be up front with her and ask her what she has been jotting away about......if she is still evasive tell her that she is making you nervous about her mental health and that you will next seek professional advice if you are unable to establish an open and honest dialogue.
Let her know that while you are willing to extend her the right of privacy, you can only do so when you are sure that all is well.
I agree with Muzna, and also at the same time, I would start removing the posters and such from her rooms. You can tell her that you are doing it because she is now ready for namaz and cant do it with pictures in her room.
That might require you to remove pics from your rooms also (if you have them) cause she will definitely object.
I know this all sounds pretty serious and it is, but dont lose your sleep over it. It all can be taken care of slowly.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
I grew up in Pakistan and I had all my fantasies with whoever was hot at that time. I never wrote stories but I did think up of many stories in my head where I was in distress and someone saved me and all.
So for one I would say it has nothing to do with growing up in West, this happens everywhere. The rape and forcing to sleep part or all of that may come from the class as that is not taught in Pakistan.
The other is that I had posters too in my room ... whatever I could get and even my father saw the posters. I doubt there is any kid growing up who does not have posters whether of actors/actresses/models/singers/wrestlers etc in their room excpet it is strictly forbidden by the parents.
I will only suggest to try and be friendly with her so she opens up with you, may be you can share some of your stories and then she will be comfortable sharing with you too. At the sametime keep telling her about religion too.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
Bieber mania is okay. I wanted to run away with Salman Khan
I think you should assure her that she can talk to you about anything that she wants to and you won’t get mad.
At the same time, you can ease her out of her dreams and sinking back to reality. I once showed an interview of Justin Bieber to my child. She was bored because she had build him up so much in her head. It’s better for them to see the celebrity as person rather than character.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
I’ve been through that kind of stuff with George Michael and Imran Khan [the cricketer] only to find out when my hormones settled that it isn’t possible . So what she’s doing is pretty normal, I suppose…umm I think I turned out fine..sorta. BUT, such details about the rapist etc means she’s probably watching too many movies or reading up too much fiction.
Become her friend and help her move on to other activities. Get her some biographies to read and go out for a mother-daughter day at the mall or something. She will get over it eventually.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
Obsessing over a popstar is normal when you are young and nowadays reading/writing fan fiction is quite normal and easily accessible online too. In fact many official fansites have fan fiction forums. She will get over it with age. Most probably it is just down to bordem so find other ways to occupy her time.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
I think OP is not much worried about the obsession over a pop singer but the fact is that her daughter's journal talks about the rapist boyfriend. That is little scary, considering that the kid is not even a teenager.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
I think OP is not much worried about the obsession over a pop singer but the fact is that her daughter's journal talks about the rapist boyfriend. That is little scary, considering that the kid is not even a teenager.
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
Yes the child talking about the rapist is scary but it's all over the media nowadays (especially in England) so we would be naive to think some of it wouldn't have affected her.
Give her time, make sure she doesn't find out you read her story, I think it could seriously affect how much she trusts you (although I get why you did it, anyone would), and keep communication open. It'll blow over soon. Also, if you feel she spends a lot of time in front of the laptop/tv I would try getting her out more often, odd things are bound to happen when you're constantly being fed images of the next media fad :)
Re: Worried about my pre-teen daughter, please help.
I wouldn't worry too much about her crush on justin bieber. Growing up my wall was covered with posters of the backstreet boys and football players, and I think I very naively believed that I could grow up to marry them, thought i was in love with them, etc.
The rape fantasy is perhaps a little worrisome but she could have put it all together just from hearing or learning about such things. I think the best thing you can do is to have an open and honest dialogue about these things. I know in Pakistani society these things are taboo, but when you grow up in the west, you're going to hear and learn about them and its important that parents remain the source of accurate information and kids feel like they can approach their parents about anything so they get the right answers. Don't let her know you read the journal but perhaps initiate a conversation about these things for her education.
. So what she’s doing is pretty normal, I suppose…umm I think I turned out fine..sorta. BUT, such details about the rapist etc means she’s probably watching too many movies or reading up too much fiction.