I’ve recently got married and I’m struggling a bit with the fact that I’m a working women surrounded by women who don’t work.
In my husbands family and family’s social circle very very few women work whereas in my own women are encouraged to get a good education and pursue a career if they wish. Most of my husbands female relatives don’t work (including those who aren’t married/don’t have kids yet). It’s seen as a “male” thing to do. Some people have been very vocal about it telling me I should give it up and start a family, sometimes they have indirect digs and other times I just feel uncomfortable because I feel like they’re judging me because I don’t fit the norm.
I don’t have a problem with the way they live their lives but for me the idea of staying at home is just not bearable. I need stimulation, interaction and a routine. Some of these ladies live very tightly on one income. Again that’s not something I can do and for the time being as a young couple we both need to work to set ourselves up and be ready to start a family.
I find it really difficult to socialise with a lot of these ladies as their conversation revolves around their kids or if they don’t have them then they don’t have anything to say because they don’t have the resources to pursue activities outside the home and don’t have an interest in things like reading, current affairs etc.
I guess ultimately what I’m saying is I don feel like I fit in. My husband is sympathetic but I really just felt like sharing how I feel with any other women who may understand what it’s like. I don’t think anyone can offer any advice. It is what it is. But I guess it would be nice to know I’m not alone. That all really.
Re: Working women
just 2 things
1- build a broader social circle
2- build skills for small talk, everyone has some interests. so when you have to meet these people you can have a conversation with them. It may just be small talk but thats a skill in itself that helps even in career situations
Re: Working women
Thanks first point isn't an issue. I have my colleagues, own friends, husbands friends. Husbands family an family friends are unavoidable though.
Second point is interesting. The ones that have kids they say that's all their lives are about. we talk about kids for all of ten minutes then there's nothing to say.
The ones that don't there is even less to talk about. I ask them what they've been up to recently hoping it will spark a conversation and it's always "the usual ghar ke kaam"
Small talk which lasts 5-10 mins eg if we are at a wedding discussing the function is ok but it never really develops into a proper conversation and it's so awkward being sat there with them. Sometimes when it's possible I go and sit with the men as conversation is much more interesting but usually that's frowned upon so try not to do it too much.
Re: Working women
Even ghar ke kaam have a wide array of topics you can talk about. ask them about a certain recipe or how they manage a task in their own homes.
Don't feel bad about yourself...mostly those who put you down wish they were in your shoes...that is the truth.
Re: Working women
Was anyone from his side vocal about it before you got married?
Re: Working women
Oh, yes, I've met those who literally have nothing to say except stuff about their children. And if you point blank ask them what they do in their day to day lives or what they like to do the standard answer is take care of their kids. None of my stay at home friends with multiple toddlers have suddenly lost their interests so it's bizarre to meet someone who has.
Honestly it's a tough cookie to crack. But you definitely need to dig in deeper. Maybe some of them like to dress up more or take pride in their cooking. You need to put on your aunty laser glasses on and see what little things they prioritise.
But truthfully if the interests don't match your conversations will remain superficial.
Re: Working women
Its just not possible that two persons (specially women) cant find something common to talk about.
Are you sure you are not looking down at them (unintentionally) ? There really is nothing wrong in being homemaker and main discussion b/w homemakers will revolve around kids, family and the “usual ghar ka kam” (as you have put it but believe me there is no such thing as usual ghar ka kaam). Tell you what, they work as hard as you do, just in different domain. First step towards finding common ground would be to respect what they do.
Since you have your own social circle, friends who share common domain with you, you can afford to step out of your domain at home and talk their language to them. Over time i have realized that its OK to not hold a proper conversation every-time you open you mouth. Sometimes silly little talks (if you think so) can refresh you like nothing else. Try it.
Re: Working women
His immediate family aren't an issue and have never really said anything. It's aunts and cousins and cousins wives -"rishtedaar" who tell me I shouldn't be working.
I don't look down on women for staying at home but I do think its sad if you have no interests or activities in your life. Even just knowing what is happening in the world/on the news.
I guess I don't know how to have conversations about ghar ka kaam or just find it boring? What kind of stuff do you talk about? Did you sweep the floors today or dust your shelves? What did you cook today? What about yesterday and the day before that? I dunno.
Light silly talks are easier once you've developed a bit of a bond with someone.
Honestly it sounds harsh but I think the repressive family attitude which has meant they are confined to their homes has meant thy don't really have personalities. Thy don't need to work but outings, socialising, anything other than the mundane aspects of life would be something to talk about.
Working women
Some people are really hard to talk to, I have the same issue even with people who work. Every time it's the same "how's work?", "works good, you?" Etc
Sometimes it takes time for people to really open up
Re: Working women
I’m not sure the problem is so much with the ladies of his family. I think the problem is with you. You don’t agree with their lifestyle and from your posts, it does seem like you’re quite judgemental about what they (being less educated than you and not working?) are capable of etc. as if having a job or hobby outside the house gives you more personality, wtf?!.. 
Anyhow, you may be finding the ‘bonding’ difficult because you and they are at different stages in life and .. you’re probably not as open minded and socially well rounded as you think you’re… That’s just my two cents, could be totally off though but that’s what I understood from your replies.
Re: Working women
Naima, you're definitely not alone. I had a similar experience with my husbands social circle when we first got married. Most of his guy friends had wives who neither worked and they were often Pakistani imports, and since I grew up outisde of Pakistan I had very little in common with them. I did make small talk about things like movies, shows, clothes were often discussed and although it wasn't the most stimulating of conversations it passed the time. I never did fit in or feel 100% comfortable but I think that's ok, you can't expect to be best friends with everyone around you.
Later on we developed a different circle of friends where I got along with the girls a lot better as we were more alike.
Since your issue is with your husbands family, I think you'll just have to get used to making whatever small talk you can. They might not be judging you but for them you probably are outisde their definition of the 'norm' as they are for you. I myself have family who have drastically different ideas than myself but I've still always been able to meet with them when required and make some sort of conversation. Try asking them some more questions maybe about what their interests are maybe in cooking or even cleaning. But I find definitely movies,shows and music are sort of universal topics that you can discuss with most people unless they're very religious.
Re: Working women
Wow you need to relax. I've never said I look down on them for not working. The first part of my post addresse one issue which is that ppl are telling me not to work.
The second part is another issue where I find some of these ppl difficult to talk to.
My mother in law is a housewife but she's very interesting to talk to. She enjoys socialising, travelling , reading and occasional volunteer work.
You will find such personalities that are difficult to talk to in both working and non working group. If they are difficult to talk to, then keep your communication with them to minimum. Few if them, you will get to know better and communication will improve. Rest, you can’t do much about
Re: Working women
So they don't have interest in reading ... And u r very interested in reading GS. Start taking interest in their lives and u won't feel alone
Re: Working women
Thanks. Good to know I'm not alone. They are religious so no conversations can be had on music tv or movies!
I don't even mind conversations about religion but that's not something they want to talk about either. It's very tough. I do at times feel like its my own inadequacy that I can't develop friendships with them but in other contexts I adapt and almost always find something to talk about it's just this particular set of people I really struggle with because I don't see anything that excites or interests them.
Re: Working women
Thanks. Good to know I'm not alone. They are religious so no conversations can be had on music tv or movies! I don't even mind conversations about religion but that's not something they want to talk about either. It's very tough. I do at times feel like its my own inadequacy that I can't develop friendships with them but in other contexts I adapt and almost always find something to talk about it's just this particular set of people I really struggle with because I don't see anything that excites or interests them.
any maybe that's just what they are like, like I said of some of my more religious relatives, believe that they should be more temperate in their behaviour so they rarely show any real excitement or emotion about anything. But they're very polite and nice, so I've just learned to ask them very generic questions like how are the kids doing in school, or whatever and expect lukewarm responses. My other cousin thinks their lack of excitement shows they aren't even interested in their kids or care about anything, but like I said I think it's part of their mindframe to outwardly behave that way. Maybe they're just not used to communicating or expressing what does excite or interest them.
Re: Working women
I had a similar experience... I was working and in my inlaws girls aren't encouraged to work!
I can understand it's difficult to socialise with people so different from you but you need to remember that you don't need to be best friends with everyone... Just having small talks and being polite is absolutely fine esp. If these are just the extended family!
What worked for me was initially I would just tag along with my MIL and whatever conversations they were having I would just participate in that. Overtime I've developed a relationship with everyone from my husbands side and I'm quite comfortable around them infact I enjoy their company!
It might take some time but you'll get there... There's no rush really!
Re: Working women
Everyone I know gives the zombie moms* a very very wide berth (especially my stay at home mother friends) so I can't think of anything helpful to add.
It's tricky because it depends on your inlaws about whether they notice how you do or don't interact. You'll just have to become a good listener if you don't want to become the outsider. But there's always a way to manipulate conversations. I've managed to bring a conversation from diapers to Gaza in under a minute so if you learn that kind of tact you'll be happier but you really need to be persistent and give your companions the illusion of choice.
*folks, please don't confuse zombie moms with regular stay at home moms.
Re: Working women
I know where you're coming from too.. but I think what helps is just to ignore those digs and comments you get from aunties and cousins, I mean you can't really change someone's opinion.
I would just say give it time... I've had those odd relatives who are generally quiet and just aren't good at maintaining a conversation, there's not really much you can do except be kind and hopefully wait for them to come around. As long as your husband is supportive I honestly don't think anyone else's opinion should matter anyways. :)
Re: Working women
Thanks all. Good to hear your thoughts.
Was with one of my husbands auntys last night and she was cracking jokes about me having a baby next time she sees me. It was said jokingly but I can see pressure will start coming soon. We are fairly young still (including husband who is setting up his career) so we don't plan to have a kid until maybe 3 years. This I know will upset a lot of these ppl. Frankly though I don't want to be in the position where like my husbands cousin I'm living with my kids in one bedroom in my in laws home because we didn't plan things. This cousin is apparently always complaining to her husband that she has no space yet she's always telling me I should have kids straight away and stop working. Go figure!