Based on some of the recent threads in Life1 where one or the other partner is questionning the viability of the relationship and divorce is being contemplated, I wonder about one’s ability and desire to work at a relationship?
Let’s take for example our relationships with our parents, siblings and children - with them we’re able to forgive and put up with an awful lot because the relationships cannot be severed. But, with anyone else who isn’t a blood relation, many of us have less patience, tolerance and forgiveness for general human failings and we seem to put the worst possible spin on the other person’s actions :hinna:
I raise this point because I see it in myself - the lack of desire to work at a relationship with someone who is not a blood relative. For my family, I make innumerable compromises and I sacrifice personal wants to please them. But when it comes time to other people, I don’t have the same tolerance and patience and capacity to forgive.
What gives? What do we owe other people when it comes to working at a relationship and how far do we/should we go to preserve a relationship?
Willingness to make the relationship work, rather the lack of it - is the number one reason of divorces nowadays. I have seen some marriages falling apart and whenever I was asked to give my advice, I always asked them to work on their willingness to make it work.
The way I see it, a successful relationship is predicated on the desire and ability to compromise.
I know myself well enough that certain people do not inspire me to make compromises and I’d rather walk away from the relationship because I don’t have the willingness to make it work. The other day my mother suggested yet another guy, and my comeback to her was that I wasn’t sure I could be happy with the guy (and he’s a nice guy) and I’d rather not go into a relationship at all, instead of ending it after a few months/years :hinna:
**there is a difference between blood and spousal relationships. in the latter, u have more close relationship where u share everything including bed and kids. u can not divorce ur family while Islamically, among the Halaal things, talaaq is most hated by Allah and that is why there are mechanisms ingrained in the process of giving talaaq. there is 4 months time on couples to reconcile their workable differences and if that fails then they must involve family members from both side who may help the couple to reconcile. if ALL fails then talaaq is the last resource and that too must be with Hasanah [goodwill gestures]. there is right of the wife and children even after the divorce has taken place.
relationships are easy to break but hard to maintain. Islam does NOT allow severing blood relationships for more than 3 days. its a sin to shun one's blood relatives [includes cousins and uncles and aunts, grand parents etc].
we all must strive to maintain good relationships and Allah has set aside great rewards who go an extra mile to maintain a good relationship.
May Allah grant us taufeeq to do just that...aameen :)**
It is called fear of commitment rather than willingness to make a relationship work. The work has not even started as it is a rishta process. The question of making it work will arise once the relationship started , it has not even started.
when you say no to a relationship before it exist, you should say no based on what you dont like in that person. I think its very fair and you did exactly that.
Willingness factor is a post-relationship thingy. Once you start a realtioship, and when the unknowns surface, you should not walk away at that point.
Okay, let’s put my example aside (and yes there is a degree of fear of committment, though I think I’m also honest about the type of person I could/can be happy with and “nice” is not enough).
But what about all of those others who are in a relationship and have ended their relationship or on the verge of ending the relationship? And let’s move beyond the marital relationship, what about the classic MIL/DIL relationship - why are so many at odds with one another? Why don’t they take the time to make the relationship a happy and healthy one?
If it's worth saving you will. Sometimes one just knows. Or one takes all steps to make it work, but the other person doesn't meet them half way, or even a quarter way. Each relationship is unique in it's own way, so it's tough to make a hard and fast rule to govern every relationship, as dynamics differ so much from one to the other.
If it's worth saving you will. Sometimes one just knows. Or one takes all steps to make it work, but the other person doesn't meet them half way, or even a quarter way. Each relationship is unique in it's own way, so it's tough to make a hard and fast rule to govern every relationship, as dynamics differ so much from one to the other.
I TOTALLY agree with you - that it's dependent on each relationship. Some can be salvaged and some cannot.
But of the relationships that can be salvaged, do we set ourselves up for failure by having unreasonable expectations of the other person and when the other person fails to meet our ideals, some of us are quick to just walk away? I guess the question is, is it easier to walk away then stop and fight for the relationship?
I TOTALLY agree with you - that it's dependent on each relationship. Some can be salvaged and some cannot.
But of the relationships that can be salvaged, do we set ourselves up for failure by having unreasonable expectations of the other person and when the other person fails to meet our ideals, some of us are quick to just walk away? I guess the question is, is it easier to walk away then stop and fight for the relationship?
It's always easier to walk away because you don't have to deal with it anymore. But again, it all depends on what's going on in the relationship, so each circumstance is different. Sometimes in the end it's better to walk away if you've tried everything. Sometimes it's not. I guess the best way maybe is to think if you'd have regrets one way or the other and do it that way.
unless there is physical abuse or bad character (disloyalty) involved, pretty much any relationship can be salvaged.
Technically, it's a separate thread topic or actually it may be the thread topic I opened a few weeks ago, but what makes a relationship worth working for? Two nice people with little in common - should they spend their lives together when their lives are essentially running parallel to one another rather that intersecting - sort of with a general indifference to one another?
Relationships aren't a bunch of numbers we can operate or define. They're way more complicated and so are the reasons we hang onto some and let go of others. I sometimes think motivations behind relationships can be bracketed. Sure this is just me playing shrink but here goes.
Some reasons are simple as Love and Respect; we genuinely love and respect the dots we're connected with, we enjoy their company, we care and we feel.
Other times I feel like we can throw relationships in with the Cardinal Sins.
Lust - Such relationships are pleasurable and we hang onto them.
Gluttony and Greed - We just want to be connected with as many people as possible. Or we gain material assets.
Sloth - We are just lazy, we hang onto relationships because they're just okay, whatever, no motivation for or against.
Wrath - We hang onto people so we can make their lives miserable.
Envy and Pride - We're jealous of others so a certain someone makes us feel special, we want them to feel good about ourselves. We are proud of the fact that we know and are connected to certain people.
Again, these aren't rules and some may find the connection between motivations behind relationships and the 'Seven Deadly Sins' slightly odd. But I've learnt over my lifetime that in a lot of cases this does hold true. And depending on the motivation, someone will or will not fight for or against a relationship. I trust my instincts.
Two nice people with little in common - should they spend their lives together
errr, yes. I am sorry for being blunt but if they are irresponsible enough (read it, stupid enough) to start spending life together without checking for baseline compatibilities then yes, they should work hard but make it through. Life time commitments are not a joke so once you make them, you do whatever it takes to live with them.
Okay, let's put my example aside (and yes there is a degree of fear of committment, though I think I'm also honest about the type of person I could/can be happy with and "nice" is not enough).
But what about all of those others who are in a relationship and have ended their relationship or on the verge of ending the relationship? And let's move beyond the marital relationship, what about the classic MIL/DIL relationship - why are so many at odds with one another? Why don't they take the time to make the relationship a happy and healthy one?
Sehrysh your question is thought provoking and worthy of some research. May be blood makes a stronger bond in case of blood relationships. It seems to be natural , we are wired to have more compassion for those we share our genes with.
Other times I feel like we can throw relationships in with the Cardinal Sins.
Lust - Such relationships are pleasurable and we hang onto them.
Gluttony and Greed - We just want to be connected with as many people as possible. Or we gain material assets.
Sloth - We are just lazy, we hang onto relationships because they're just okay, whatever, no motivation for or against.
Wrath - We hang onto people so we can make their lives miserable.
Envy and Pride - We're jealous of others so a certain someone makes us feel special, we want them to feel good about ourselves. We are proud of the fact that we know and are connected to certain people.
Again, these aren't rules and some may find the connection between motivations behind relationships and the 'Seven Deadly Sins' slightly odd. But I've learnt over my lifetime that in a lot of cases this does hold true. And depending on the motivation, someone will or will not fight for or against a relationship. I trust my instincts.
/shrink
I don't want to end up with my head in a box :(. Gimme some pills shrink.
I don't want to end up with my head in a box :(. Gimme some pills shrink.
On the subway today, a man came up to me to start a conversation. He made small talk, a lonely man talking about the weather and other things. I tried to be pleasant and accommodating, but my head hurt from his banality. I almost didn't notice it had happened, but I suddenly threw up all over him. He was not pleased, and I couldn't stop laughing.
The question of making it work will arise once the relationship started , it has not even started. 