i used to wonder why women are so forgiving.
it used to make me mad thinking abt women who go back to their unfaithful husbands and forgive and forget and live on as of nothin ever happened.
today i found out why they do tat…
specially women who have been married for years and have kids, they dun have much choices, do they?
a woman can choose to forget the years of marriage, the love and all those emotional investments etc or move into the unknown, emotional/financial adjustments, really bad for da lil kids!
punish her husband and in the long run she’s actually punishing herself and the kids too… specially if she’s emotionally shaken and cant handle being a single parent. family support is also important, if she has none i dunno how she’s gonna make it.
give her husband of years a 2nd chance or take the chance to meet someone new in future? i dun see much difference, whatever choice she makes now, she’s taking a risk.
i’m not saying she have to suffer at da hand of her husband but if the husband has admitted his mistake and repented then he does deserve a 2nd chance. no?
its no secret, after separation a woman doesnt have it easy. any divorcee will tell u that. specially in our desi community. sometimes the divorce is so much easier than dealing with desi relatives! lol
so a desi woman prefers to stay back and forgive. i think its very noble of her. putting the needs of her kids above her own. some might say she’s being silly and weak. i say she’s an intelligent fighter, a strong one. some might even say she’s backward, old-fashioned. i say she’s the most open-minded person among us to look beyond a mistake committed by her better half and forego her ego and self-pride just so that her kids can have a father.
today i just felt like telling women like her, that i respect u gals like i respect no other women.
well its all noble to put your kids before yourself, but staying in an unhappy marriage for the kids is not a way to put your kids first. Children are preceptive and they can tell if mommy and daddy don't like each other, and its tough to be in a position when you know that your parents are staying in a marriage for your happiness.
Besides what guarantee does she have that he won't cheat again
"i'm not saying she have to suffer at da hand of her husband but if the husband has admitted his mistake and repented then he does deserve a 2nd chance. no?"
If the father exhibits "bad behavior" then no one shouldnt keep her kids in such an environment. However, there are times where a father/husband can make mistakes which he can repent for and change. Men can change u know...it's possible. I suppose it all depends on the situation and how many times he has repeated his mistakes.
It is a long road to recovery if both of them r involved in the healing process...That is very important..both spouses participation. The trust has to be rebuild, but at the same time the reason for cheating should be out in the open too..Was it just lust or was it something deeper then that. Both ways the cheating partner is the one who, if wants to keep the relationship intact, has to try pretty hard for a long time to regain the lot trust.
so a desi woman prefers to stay back and forgive. i think its very noble of her. putting the needs of her kids above her own. some might say she's being silly and weak. i say she's an intelligent fighter, a strong one. some might even say she's backward, old-fashioned. i say she's the most open-minded person among us to look beyond a mistake committed by her better half and forego her ego and self-pride just so that her kids can have a father.
today i just felt like telling women like her, that i respect u gals like i respect no other women.
It's probably less truer of Western desi women, well I don't know actually might come with age, and soon as the women grow up a bit more past the zit popping stage. cant stand the zit poppers myself.
Forgiving and forgetting over something like getting drunk on the way home is one thing. Forgiving and forgetting when your husband has committed adultery is something different. You take him back, and you're condoning his actions. Flat out Islam says that if someone has committed adultery, the punishment is death. Its that unforgivable.
Praising a woman who is totally saccrificing her entire happiness so mr. wonderful get get away with somethign and not get in trouble for it because wifey doesn't report him and keeps mum about it is actually aiding the problem.
As for the kids and the fact that they might have to grow up without a dad - better for that to happen, then for them to find out later what father did and that father wasn't punished for it, and that mother was in pain at their expense for the rest of their life. You really need to maybe meet some people who have grown up in such homes, and find out how much aggression they have towards their father.
And most importantly, no male spares and forgives and forgets when a female makes the "mistake" of sleeping with someone else.
You know why? Because its not a mistake. Period. Its a horrible thing to do, and you break your marriage contract by doing so. Its unacceptable. And its about time you girls stop defending guys who misbehave.
Very few do real repenting over these things.
Now if you're taking about something that is reversible, and therapy can be done - like solving someone's alcohol problem or gambling problem, then that's another thing. You can't reverse the fact that your husband has cheated on you.
I'm not saying these forgiving women are weak. They are strong. But that doesn't mean they should have to put up with these things. Your own religion that you believe in has a SEVERE law against these actions, and yet you applaud it when women sit mum and don't say anything when God already gave them the right to do something about it when their husband cheats on them.
Shame. Anything to defend men, right? Suck up all you want. Its not making you any more pious than a sham mualvi.
PCG, I agree 100% with what you're saying, but I think the situation for women is more complex than forgiving the guys just for the kids' sake. A lot of desi married women do not have the family support, the education (or career) or the confidence to go through life with the oh-so-deadly "talaqan" stamp on them. If you've been out of the workforce (or have never had a job outside the home) or come from a family that might disown you or from a family that's poor, you'll think twice before leaving your husband, even if he does commit the ultimate sin. Also, what happens after divorce? What are the chances of a desi divorced mother getting married again? Very slim to say the least. Many women fear the loneliness and uncertainty of being alone, and even if the marriage is insincere, to them, there is at least that public illusion that she has a man's "sahara," that her children aren't "fatherless." One of my mom's friends went through a very messy divorce from her husband and now, twenty years later, she cries that if she had known how lonely she was going to be, how frustrated she was going to be, she would have forgiven him. She's very leery of meeting a new man because most of the ones in her age group are smarmy and chalak and come with a new set of problems themselves. Her ex? He's moved on to his white girlfriend, hardly any scar from his divorce. It's unfair, but it's typical. Women also worry about their daughter's marriage prospects in the future---many a MIL will reject a girl because she's the daughter of a divorced woman, and of course, she'll follow in her mother's footsteps, they believe.
The social system is set up such that women do get the short end of the stick when it comes to infidelity in marriage. But I don't think this is totally a desi phenomenon. There are also many goriyan who stay married for the sake of the kids or for the image.
My point was not to marginalize the realities of the situation but to say that one shouldn't think that the RIGHT and MORAL thing to do is to stay in a horrible marriage, when Islam flat out tells you that such a condition is IMMORAL and NOT RIGHT for you, and even goes so far as to outline a punishment to take care of your husband permanently for it.
You are right about the economics, and social aspects of the problem. But shouldn't the MORAL and admirable action be to help these women financially and emotionally instead of appluading their strength for putting up with the abuse?
