Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hey everyone!

First of, let me say a big hello to everyone here since I’m quite new to this forum. :slight_smile:

So, the question is very self−explanatory. I know in our culture it’s pretty rare to see a wife earning more than her husband. But since many of our people have migrated to western countries where women are now very career oriented, how does this affect a marriage? Or does it affect at all?

Guys, how would you feel if your wife is earning more than you are? Or is she’s pretty much the breadwinner of the household?

If there are any ladies here who do earn more than their husband, how’s the husband’s behavior towards you? Has his manly ego been crushed?

I’m sorry if this question has already been discussed here. If it is, please direct me to the thread because I would really like to know more about this topic.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

Yes. Women get on a high horse if they earn more and don't respect their husbands.... pansy husbands, offcourse, agree to it and lick her feet because they don't want to work harder. Equivalent of ghar damaad..

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

and same from the lazy husbands as well......not to mention countless stories ''my mother, my sister, my friend, my aunt etc etc all earn more and have perfect marriages etc etc...

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

When I was working part time I was earning more than my husband who was working full time-simply put my education got me further than his non-existant one.

It didn't effect me as such; I was saving towards a mortgage for our first home so to me it wasn't a biggie. My in-laws hid the fact I worked fullstop-according to their version of things I was in full time education and my husband was supporting everyone. Ha! Their so-called fake izzath/ego was bruised but to be honest I don't see why anyone else should really matter. I did nothing wrong and if one is affected as such they need to get a grip. So although my husband in theory had no issue his family made a big song and dance out of it.

They still do that now-I cannot be given credit for anything and God forbid I am given respect for the fact I can work and earn-even if it's less than my husband I should still be respected for it. Not all women are prepared to work and expect their husbands to earn and provide even if in reality they know it will take 15 extra years to settle compared to if they worked too.

A relationship is two way; a women if she wishes too and can do so without problems can earn and help towards the household IMHO. What works for one couple may not work for another. I don't agree with forcing a women to work if she is expected to do all the other duties full time e.g. look after family, home, home school, do community stuff etc etc and then work on top.

As for husbands that don't work; I believe that's a separate issue and may be wise to dicuss in another thread.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

So clearly, you wouldn't like it if your wife earned more than you?

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

Thank you for your input princess1983. I completely agree with the bold part.

How do you cope with your in-laws attitude though? And if your husband has no issues with it, why are they being so difficult about it?

I'm very career oriented and my income is already more than my soon to be. But I just fear it will affect our relationship in the wrong run, even though he's quite understanding about it now.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

Isn’t the phrase ‘long run’, or are you just Chinese?? :hehe:

okay sorry, sorry… I just couldn’t resist

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

Oh Pakakeet; if you see my other posts/threads on here you'll soon get that my relationship is literally non-existant and the pressure they put on us as a couple has took it's toil to say the least but enough about me. I am assuming you are thinking about this because you don't want it to effect your relationship which is honourable on your part. What does your soon-to-be have to say about this? And what are your future in-laws like?

If you haven't already done so I suggest you talk to the other half about the situation for the future NOT now as everything is peachy now it's the future that concens you.

If he's the type of person that believes in providing everything for his family e.g. he must pay the bills etc to feel 'manly' and doesn't have a problem with you working then I suggest it would be a win-win situation for you to InshAllah continue working as long as you feel you wish to (as a career minded person) and save the money as expenses tend to increase rather than decrease once your married etc.

You may wish to outline what you plan to do with the money if your partner is the type that likes to get his head around what you plan to do if you do earn and won't be spending the money on the household because he doesn't want that.

You can look at investment opportunities; the possiblilites are endless but only if you are both on the same page. But whatever you do; and I mean this is the nicest possible way please do not invest via your in-laws or anyone else for that matter; you earn it you invest it you do what you need to do with it. Never give the control to a third party.

As for in-laws having the whole ego thing; if your husband isn't bothered by them and he can stick up for you then all is plain sailing. Problems only start when your husband is like mind and lacks a backbone. I blame poor parenting but that's my own opinion.

Good Luck.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

I as a guy would have to keep my ego in check if my wife earned more than me. I have an ego. I am ambitious and in many ways I am old fashioned. I want to be the man of the house. So yes it would affect me, but for my wife and the sake of our relationship I would get over it. And trust me I am not very good at letting go of stuff but I would try to.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

I think how a couple handles this will boil down to their personalties, how they were raised, and how the wife handles being one bringing in the bigger paycheck.

Most couples I know are relatively equal in their income. I can think of 4 couples I know where the wife earns more than husband...none are Muslim though. 2 are Indian Hindus, 1 gora, and 1 mixed. Of course I don't know what happens behind closed doors but from what I see/hear during my interactions with them....they seem happy. They see the $ as "ours" versus "Mine" and "yours". When it comes to financial decisions, they work together. The men in these 4 relationships I know of are far from being spineless men who let their wives walk all over them. They're all educated, work hard, and make great $$ by society's standards (lol...they're not lazy losers)......its just that their wives happen to be in a field where they make a lot more (all 4 women are doctors in high paying specialties).

But then again even in marriages where the husband is earning more can have major problem if he treats his wife like she's "less" than him. I'm sure we all know men like this (especially in cases where the woman is a house wife or stay-at-home mom). These men treat their wives like 2nd class citizens in the marriage b/c they're bringing in the paycheck. They don't give the respect their wives deserve and don't include them when making financial decision the effect BOTH of them.

Whether it's the husband or wife that's the main breadwinner of the family.....it's important for BOTH people to have respect for their life partner and treat him/her as an equal. Financial/career related decisions should be discussed and decided on as a team. As stated earlier, what works for one couple may not work for another. :)

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

^Agree with Paheli.

It's about how you are as a couple. My situation is heavily dominated by culture; and as Paheli has highlighted it works for other couples (albeit from other cultures) so it's not like it cannot work as long as communication is open, honest and respect is there.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

^ Well, 2 of the couples are Indian so although Hindu, even in their culture its not common for wives to earn more.

I also wanted to add......I don't think there is anything wrong with men who realize the due to their own ego, they will not be able to handle having a wife that earns more. I think in those cases, these men have a responsiblity to choose a wife who wants to be a housewife OR a woman whose education/chosen career field does not make more $$ than theirs.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

LOL!! Not chinese, that must be my flu haha

i don’t know what I was thinking while typing that:smack:

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

It's always good to have a guy's perspective. Thank you for your response

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

Princess1983 and paheli, thank you so much for your tips and wise advice.

My soon to has his ego in check Alhamdulilah. And my in-laws are really very nice. They've already accepted me as a daughter, and my soon to be is very supportive if ever there are any differences between my in-laws and me. Alhamdulilah.

i'll listen to you guys and set a date to have a proper conversation with him on this subject.

Thank you lovelies :)

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

Now it is subjective and a matter of preferences but my philosophy is that a guy should be able to provide comfortably for his family AND try to save for the rainy day as well. If the wife can and wants to work, that's great too! Much of that additional income can be saved as a 'bonus' so to speak or the wife can decide how best to spend that money.

I know several instances of successful, happy marriages even in our parent's generation where both the husband and wife are well-educated professionals but the husband works in a profession that generally pays lower than the wife's field.

Now again personally I don't see a problem should the wife earns more provided the husband is not a slacker and is working to the best of his abilities to advance himself professionally. That includes striving to improve his skill-sets and even professional education should the need be, for example, perhaps doing an MBA after a few years of experience if you are an engineer.

So as long as the husband doesn't have a sense of entitlement and a 'Honey, why not ya buy me a Lexus for my birthday?" kind of attitude, there is nothing wrong in the wife earning more IMHO. At least after you have kids, I think you no longer think of things as my income or your income so if the wife likes to work and is earning and perhaps saving more for your kids' future then that's great.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

I earned more than my husband first 3-4 years of marriage. Admittedly, it wasn't a huge difference, but it was never a problem. We always viewed it as our income instead of mine and his.
A close friend of ours was a PhD student and is now a post-doc researcher in a university. His wife has been working throughout and, she makes about 3 times as much as him. Because he has a relatively flexible schedule, he happily picks up the slack in the house .. cooking, cleaning, running errands etc.

I don't think difference in income should be a problem if both husband and wife are doing their fair share in terms of providing for the family, household tasks, looking after kids and parents etc.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

i make more than my husband, initially we has broblems, but now i leave him a tip errytime he do a chore well. we are heppy couple now.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

My wife to be will be making more money than me once she gets settled in the states. I am on track for a promotion so hopefully the gap is not that big. I do not have an issue with it as I make good money too it is just that her profession pays more. We are planning to have separate accounts and a shared account with both of us looking at each other's bank statements every month. We want to try it this way and if we need to then we can change it later.

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Re: Wives earning more than the husband−Does/would this affect their relationship?

Say..if my wife earned more than me..i'll set the rules. I pay for mortgage or rent, bills and Grocery. You save money and buy yourself something nice. .i am sure most of us Pakistani men are brought up that way.