Why does the question of morals comes in here? i am asking about a casual lunch and it doesn't imply that a girl or a guy have any feelings for each other or they are involved in any illicit relations? its just a matter of doing lunch together sometimes so what it has to do with one's morals??
If you're not questioning the girl's intentions or morals, then why make it an issue if she has casual lunches occasionally with a colleague? That's just baffling to me.
If you're not questioning the girl's intentions or morals, then why make it an issue if she has casual lunches occasionally with a colleague? That's just baffling to me.
you mean me? no, not at all. i am not among the types who make an issue out of it.
i just wanna know if this is taken negatively and why it is taken negatively. and as some posters said that they do view it as a reason to reject a girl and i have also heard such cases where the girls are rejected solely for this reason.
I am shocked at the comments here. I am also in the minority here and say that it is totally ok for a girl to have lunch with her male coworkers. It is lunch and not a lunch date. Lunch date is something totally different. When in college/university, don't guys and girls eat at the same table in a group type of a setting? The difference here is that they are actually driving somewhere for work. I think it depends on the intentions of each person involved.
BUT i think if the guy's family is asking about such things, i would see this as a sign that our thinking is much different and might cause problems in the future. I as a girl would walk away from such a rishta.
This guy once asked me, do you want to keep working after marriage. I thought he was asking in terms of family time. Nooo! He explained, I can be a bit possessive at times. I feel as a guy it is my duty to protect those who are close to me. I don’t want my wife to be socializing with males at work. It’s a pride thing for a guy if you know what I mean.
umm… I don’t know what he meant?!? The thing is, I don’t socialize unnecessarily with guys, but I would hate for my husband not to trust me around other guys. If he wanted me to take a break to give more time to family, fine I might do that. But asking me to quit just because you can’t stand me working alongside males? That’s ridiculous!
I would have rejected a family that thinks lunch with a male colleague is cause enough for suspecting a girl’s character
I’ve traveled overseas with male colleagues. My husband was in fact happy that I wasn’t travelling all by myself. My husband travels with women all the time too. I’d be worried if my husband hides things like these from me.
I think there are different aspects to this that are being discussed right now. Is it really that shocking that some people, in line with their religious views.. don’t want their future spouse to be having lunches with the opposite sex? I mean islamically, all interaction between the opposite sex should be limited/restricted, no? But then that all comes down to how much emphasis one puts on this ruling. Some people are okay with a potential/spouse having casual dinners or whatever (including myself) but is it really that surprising if there are those who wouldn’t like it at all? I mean after the lesbian feminist thinking abortion is a great contraceptive.. sab kuch chalta hai. it really is as simple as personal preference and your own judgement. Mine tells me if you’re willing to go as far as to reject someone (who is otherwise compatible too) on the basis of a lunch then that someone had a lucky escape. :halo: now whether that person is all of a sudden immoral is just a ridiculous notion.
Khatti I actually agree with you. Work definitely is just work. In my team I had to attend meetings with a colleague who happened to be male. We had to take a 15 minute stroll to the next office each week in which time we would be completely alone. Jab majboori hoti hai it’s unavoidable in the West, so I wouldn’t see it as a problem. No I wouldn’t judge your character or morality based on those actions - I think you’re a lovely person!
But OP is talking about the free-mixing of the opposite gender based on their own free will i.e. choosing to go for lunch with a male colleague. If you have the choice, and nobody is forcing you, then why would you mix with the opposite gender? Hijab isn’t just about covering your hair, is it? There’s a lot more to it than that. And if you have the choice, why wouldn’t you choose to socialise only with females? That’s what I mean when I say it’s difficult to adhere to, because in the West mixing of genders is not seen as a negative thing, whereas Islam has completely nipped this in the bud when it says that men and women should “restrain their looks” when in public - i.e. to keep your haya and avoid free mixing.
I get that there are two schools of thought and at the end of the day, to each his/her own. BUT, I will say having lunch with a male colleague or female colleague is not cause for judging a person's morality.
The two instances of extra-marital affairs I know of, one guy had an affair with his SIL (wife's sister) and the other guy had an affair with his wife's best friend - meaning the opportunity to cross boundaries depends on the individual and his/her character as opposed to the workplace.
If I was the guy, it would definitely have an impact on me. However, I would not just refuse without first talking to the girl and letting her know my feelings and seeing how accommodating to them she can be.
Ghosty, my husband has spent the better part of the past year traveling extensively (Mexico, China & East Coast)with a gorgeous leggy red head from his department. They have been sharing rental cars, and pretty much having all meals together and never once has jealousy or insecurities entered my mind. We call her his work wife lol.
I agree that affairs usually start at tr workplace, but there has to be something lacking in the marriage to begin with for a spouse to even entertain the thought.
Maybe coz its a redhead....:) Picture Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. One wrong move...boom!....pet rabbit is stewing in the pot.
You're correct. I don't know you nor your brother. But I know that men and women have very different moral codes that they have to abide by. Whereas fingers would be pointed at a girl if she decides to socialize, no one would bat an eyelash if the guy decides to do the same, or even more. And every single guy in this world, whether he be from Pakistan or Timbuktu behaves himself when a female is around him, whether he's related to her or not. So you're definitely not special in that regard :)
Living up to standard set of morals isn't as hard as people set them out to be. It's quiet basic. And not everyone is a special snowflake in this world. But to judge someone on the basis of a regular social visit is extremely pathetic. If a potential rishta seeker has that much of a concern whether the girl has feelings for a colleague or not, then ask her point blank, instead of questioning her character and as they say, avoid mitti uchalna on someone else's character.
Anyways, to each their own.
First you said ek aurat ki dushman dosri aurat hoti hai, and now you yourself are paving the way for double-standards for men! It doesn't make sense! I expect the same type of behaviour from my brother and my husband as others would expect from myself. Why is it okay for men to have lunch with female colleagues, but not okay if the roles are reversed??
When I start a new job I make it a point to not shake hands with men when I am introduced - I know I will be seeing them day in day out so I take my time to explain that I don't find it comfortable doing so. It's totally awkward but they get an idea of the type of person you are at the end of the day. Similarly, when my husband started his new job, he told me he was introduced to female colleagues and he too explained that he doesn't shake hands with women. There are no double-standards in our household. Purdah and haya is as much for men as it is for women - don't forget the commandment of lowering the gaze is addressed to the **men first **in the Holy Quran.
If you allow double-standards to happen, then of course you should expect them in the opposite sex. In this respect, I think the same rule applies for both men and women, and would completely reject a guy if I found out he is **casually **lunching with female colleagues in his spare time.
I don't know guys....some of my best memories and fun times in college/ pre marriage were the group lunches, study sessions and football game watching parties of our mixed group of guys and girls. There wasn't any inappropriate physical interaction or innuendo. Just a group of friends hanging out in public.
^^ what if the lunches extend to further socialising? What if the male and female work colleagues exchange numbers and start texting each other regarding inside work jokes. Or calling each other?
I know people are okay with that, but I completely don't find it comfortable. My facebook, phone contact list etc only has female contacts in as I don't see the need to interact with males outside of the workplace.
What is casual though really? Lets say your husband is at work and his female colleague is about to go for lunch, he's hungry too so they decide to get some food together. That's an issue for you, nnabid? I mean if it is, then as long as you also exhibit the same restraint.. then that's your choice.
I guess I can understand constant and excessive lunches that aren't linked to work or specific time is created to enjoy lunch with a specific colleague. That might be too much. But that could happen anywhere in a social circle, it's not then just restricted to the workplace.
What is casual though really? Lets say your husband is at work and his female colleague is about to go for lunch, he's hungry too so they decide to get some food together. That's an issue for you, nnabid? I mean if it is, then as long as you also exhibit the same restraint.. then that's your choice.
I guess I can understand constant and excessive lunches that aren't linked to work or specific time is created to enjoy lunch with a specific colleague. That might be too much. But that could happen anywhere in a social circle, it's not then just restricted to the workplace.
Look there are two scenarios: if, like in my office, when it's lunchtime and someone kind of casually shouts "I'm going to the canteen anyone want to come?" i.e. the question is open, and a group of you, male and female, end up going - fine. Not a problem.
Scenario two is if your female colleague specifically walks over to your desk and says "hey, I'm going to get lunch - you wanna come?". That's a no.
I don't know. I guess sometimes you get stuck in these situations where e.g. you end up having to sit next to a colleague of the opposite gender in a meeting, or have to work closely with them. Whatever. Just as long as the sharam and haya is there in those situations it's not a big deal. I get what you mean that sometimes it can casually happen - but if somebody makes a point of going on lunches with a member of the opposite sex, so that it starts to become a habit... so that it wills that female to specifically walk past all other desks and walk over to HIS desk and say "hey, let's grab lunch..." well that's not on, is it?
The thing is, I don’t socialize unnecessarily with guys, but I would hate for my husband not to trust me around other guys. If he wanted me to take a break to give more time to family, fine I might do that. But asking me to quit just because you can’t stand me working alongside males? That’s ridiculous!
it really is as simple as personal preference and your own judgement. Mine tells me if you’re willing to go as far as to reject someone (who is otherwise compatible too) on the basis of a lunch then that someone had a lucky escape. :halo: now whether that person is all of a sudden immoral is just a ridiculous notion.