Re: Will he change?
We read here all the time that people have nikkah etc to someone the parents have chosen and that they are not necessarily attracted to, to begin with. But they accept that this is their life partner and try to accept the flaws and grow to feel for that person.
He seems to be making no attempt. Why?
I does sound like he didn't want to marry you. You don't say these things to someone in a way that makes them feel bad unless you want to push them away.
Re: Will he change?
never beeen in love. hmmmm but he maybe a victim of idealism ...
Just check it out if he was in love before and he is still after that lost love ( ofcourse in his own imaginary world) also check if he is victim of idealism...
Re: Will he change?
Lady Gaga - I believe:
He is a jerk
What janwar said
His mommy does not think that you are pretty. This was the problem with me 2 as her mommy did not think I was pretty so I was not pretty .
I don't want to sound mean to you but give your marriage some time and 101% of what you can. Please him get dressed nicely , do things that he likes , ask him what change he would like to see in you. I know it does not sound so good but you are married to him now so try with whatever you can.
good post
Re: Will he change?
you already got nikaahfied to him
so now see what flaws you might have that he's noticing, yes he seems to be very critical of you and that can be annoying but we aren't perfect human beings so you both have to try your hardest to improve and adjust to make the marriage work. try the kajal and see if you like how you look in it, see if there are hair products that get the hair silky
tell him in a nice way that it hurts you when he constantly criticizes you and never compliments you. see if he realizes anything about the way he speaks to you
it is strange that he doesn't like displays of affection even after marriage. maybe you might have said something to him that might have rubbed him the wrong way. ask him about it
try active listening. say 'i'm sure you miss your family and all the things from pakistan a lot so maybe we can visit it after we get settled here". he obviously misses his family so try to be more empathetic. when he calls home, talk to his parents be genuinely very polite and sweet with them so he'll feel like you're making the effort to get close to his family and integrate with them. he must have just come from the old country so there will be that initial homesickness
Re: Will he change?
Shoves me away if i give a peck on his cheek.
Wow. That's harsh! If he does that frequently, then I would suggest that you withdraw this form of intimacy from him. He doesn't deserve a peck if he deliberately let even one of them go wasted.
Is he not good looking himself? Such behavior could also stem from his own insecurities. People who feel intimidated by their spouses (beauty, wealth, fame) sometimes resort to putting them down to make them feel bad, and to get illusion of control over them.
OR he is just not physically attracted to you.
In any case, its for you to find out the reason behind this. Having said that, now that you ARE married, and have been married for ONLY a month, give it sometime before doing anything too big.
Re: Will he change?
i know i try to keep a distance but im the kind who likes to cuddle and snuggle up. I wont do anything big, i would just stay quiet and be stressed and depressed, i barely discuss my personal life with anyone.
I arranged our honeymoon and he went as far as saying this is not honeymoon for him.. his honeymoon was the time he spent in pak with his family after marriage. That was sooo heartbreaking that i cudnt look at him for a day. He would just say things like that. I love him, if only he be a little considerate towards me.
Wow. That's harsh! If he does that frequently, then I would suggest that you withdraw this form of intimacy from him. He doesn't deserve a peck if he deliberately let even one of them go wasted.
Is he not good looking himself? Such behavior could also stem from his own insecurities. People who feel intimidated by their spouses (beauty, wealth, fame) sometimes resort to putting them down to make them feel bad, and to get illusion of control over them.
OR he is just not physically attracted to you.
In any case, its for you to find out the reason behind this. Having said that, now that you ARE married, and have been married for ONLY a month, give it sometime before doing anything too big.
Re: Will he change?
**i think after certain age its very difficult for any1 to change if not impossible. the main ingredients for anyone to change his/her nature is the following:
so you have to evaluate these parameters b4 u know if he is the type of person who can be molded.**
Re: Will he change?
^i know a saheli of mine who had told me about how her husband did not want to do anything on their honeymoon, he did not even want to do what most couples do on a honeymoon and when she suggested that they go on a romantic horse and carriage ride through the pretty town, he didn't want to do it, so she suggested they get a nice massage together, he was not into that either, it did seem like he didn't want to enjoy much at all.
they were very different from each other, he was the loner type and she's full of life. he just liked to stay with his family and never really tried to get along with others. It did seem like he didn't want to make the marriage work. whenever she suggested they do anything fun, his first answer was "no" and never gave in or agreed to anything. He even tore up the the few pictures they took on their honeymoon and her favorite baby picture that was irreplaceable.
I felt so bad for her because she tried to change so much for him and fix herself to make him happy.
Re: Will he change?
^ And you also have the famous Royal case, Prince Charless took 5-6 novels to read on his honeymoon with Princess Diana. He read and read while she suffered from bulimia.
Re: Will he change?
goodness, is that story true? princess di was so beautiful, but he did not feel attracted to her, I don't understand why some people are like this. the woman he left her for, chamilla, was nothing compared to di who seemed so sachi dil ki insaan type
Re: Will he change?
goodness, is that story true? princess di was so beautiful, but he did not feel attracted to her, I don't understand why some people are like this. the woman he left her for, chamilla, was nothing compared to di who seemed so sachi dil ki insaan type
Its literally out of Diana's own mouth, its from 'Diana secret tapes' that aired on some American channel few years ago.
Re: Will he change?
Gosh!
^ And you also have the famous Royal case, Prince Charless took 5-6 novels to read on his honeymoon with Princess Diana. He read and read while she suffered from bulimia.
Re: Will he change?
He is not that bad.. we did enjoy a lot but it wasnt anything romantic for sure. Makes me sad to think all my honeymoon efforts went down the drain.
^i know a saheli of mine who had told me about how her husband did not want to do anything on their honeymoon, he did not even want to do what most couples do on a honeymoon and when she suggested that they go on a romantic horse and carriage ride through the pretty town, he didn't want to do it, so she suggested they get a nice massage together, he was not into that either, it did seem like he didn't want to enjoy much at all.
they were very different from each other, he was the loner type and she's full of life. he just liked to stay with his family and never really tried to get along with others. It did seem like he didn't want to make the marriage work. whenever she suggested they do anything fun, his first answer was "no" and never gave in or agreed to anything. He even tore up the the few pictures they took on their honeymoon and her favorite baby picture that was irreplaceable.
I felt so bad for her because she tried to change so much for him and fix herself to make him happy.
Re: Will he change?
If you don't mind telling, how old is he?
Re: Will he change?
I would again say...... DO NOT CONFRONT or COMPLAIN now....... its just been a month.......give it some time......1st year is the most important........if he is not getting close to you physically and you start confronting and nagging from now.......you will basically destroy any hope you have of things getting bettter in the future...
so be PATIENT........just back of a little..control your urge to snuggle and cuddle......and let it go for some time......its TOO EARLY now..
Re: Will he change?
I would again say...... DO NOT CONFRONT or COMPLAIN now....... its just been a month.......give it some time......1st year is the most important........if he is not getting close to you physically and you start confronting and nagging from now.......you will basically destroy any hope you have of things getting bettter in the future...
so be PATIENT........just back of a little..control your urge to snuggle and cuddle......and let it go for some time......its TOO EARLY now..
Its completely normal for her to feel the urge, they are newly married for God sake, its not fair that her husband is ignoring his wife's needs. Its not about snuggling or cuddling, he's literally destroying her self esteem by finding physical flaws in her and if she sits back soaks in all that crap for sake of patience she may not recover from supressed resentment. Its TOO EARLY in the marriage to experience such coldness, if they can't figure themselves out now, then what would their life be when the child arrives? Then it'll just be one those marriages where you are together because you are parents.
Re: Will he change?
Lady Gaga,
I agree with this statement of yours that he might be a victim of idealism. Like you mentioned that your relationship was mostly long distance before you actually got married. A lot of times, guys have a perfect image of us women. They think are legs are always hairless, we have perfect eye brows, a perfectly toned body and we don't fart and burp. After marriage, obviously you can't fit their perfect image. its impossible, no matter how much you take care of yourself. So, stop thinking that you can fit his ideal image and waste your time on it.
So, lets start with dressing a little modest, wear shalwar kameez at home, wear jewelry, straighten your hair. take care of things that you CAN do to look pretty.
Second, Next time when he point out a physical flaw, such as hair. Tell him nicely, that No one is perfect not even him, this is what Allah has blessed you with and there is nothing you can do about it. Don't let him walk all over you at the same time don't be to rude about it.
And now lets talk about you, as a newly wed, we all have dreams and expectations from our partner that we planned out or hoped for before we got married. Marriage is a big reality check, its not a fairytale like as we think before we got married. Like every relationship it needs work and its not perfect. So, if you guys had a good time at the honeymoon however, he kept mentioning about his family, it should not be a big deal. He is homesick and it completely understandable. So instead of taking it offensively, support him. Call his family instead of him calling. Make an effort to be in contact with his family and show that you value them, such as buying things for your MIL when you are out shopping and tell him that you will either send it or give it when you see her next. This will make him respect you and care about you. Seems like he is trying to make sure his family is "important" in your eyes and if you make the effort to show him that you do care about his family, he won't be saying these kind of things anymore.
and last stop making him your world. I understand as a newly wed you want to cuddle, spend time together. but The more you are after him the more he will run away from you. So, leave him alone. don't nag or complain all the time. Get some hobbies, start cooking nice food for him, decorate your new place. Guys have this nature that what is readily available to them they wont run after. So, don't always be there for him. Be "busy" in other things, such as taking care of yourself, etc.
1st year of marriage is ALWAYS hard, so don't lose hope.
Lower your expectations from him and don't expect the after marriage life to be a fairytale like as they show in movies.
Re: Will he change?
Lots of people have given great advice, my only advice would be not to get pregnant too quick, you need time to bond and form a 'unit', it will be much harder to connect with him with a baby around.
Re: Will he change?
Lots of people have given great advice, my only advice would be not to get pregnant too quick, you need time to bond and form a 'unit', it will be much harder to connect with him with a baby around.
**
im sorry but i think the opposite is true. i believe a baby will be a catalyst in creating just that bond. i admit there is a risk involved but marriage itself carries a lot of risks.**
Re: Will he change?
** im sorry but i think the opposite is true. i believe a baby will be a catalyst in creating just that bond. i admit there is a risk involved but marriage itself carries a lot of risks.**
I think sleep deprevation and additional financial strains will only add more pressure and I don't think it's fair to bring a baby into such a negative situation.