Wife, mistress and hubby.

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

Personally i think it comes down to low self esteem. This bloke realised this and has taken total liberties. He has ground this woman down so much she'll do anything for him regardless of how he treats her cos she cant imagine her life without this man in it. It's almost like a compulsion-an addiction. She'll keep going back for more until she can get to the root of the problem. Until she can pinpoint what it is thats making her go back to b abused, she'll never b able to move on. With professional help of talking to some1 who knows and understands psychology, she might learn how to deal with this and leave the baggage of the past behind but it will take time.

42

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

Its funny to read about "me".
Im not the helpless moron or will die without him type.
Im under further education and earn quite well at the same time.
Im busy now with planning new company and marketing
strategies. Life has not stopped nor will it by my command.
Im not some dumb woman, who cant say stop. When he hit me
the first time, I said stop by calling police. He knew, I would not
take beatings. Im born and raised in Europe. Been political active
and done career in very early age.
Now, its true I dont believe in the institution of marriage any longer.
However, it would had been great with a kid.
OK, lets clear up any misunderstandings. Of caz, since it was with
the acceptance of my family, Niqah was done and we had wedding
reception etc. I moved to Toronto after 3 days of marriage. He was
in rush to return.... We had our naqah done by Sheik on simple
hand written document. Normally, the procedure is to do court
marriage afterward and get Niqah etc registered. Every country
have their own ways of doings things legally etc.
In Toronto, I asked to do the court marriage etc but he refused
to my great shock. He was a kind humble and down to earth
person all the years I knew him, though without dating or
living in same country. The typical kind of arranged love marriage....
Yes, I would not had married him IF my family were against it......

Girls, you all talk about baggage etc. In reality, I took divorce
the first time, it didnt go well. It was arranged then and he
got his green card and had lots of affairs. I didnt endure that.
I simply ended it. When I started to hate, it all came naturally by
itself.

Now, this is my second marriage. The one by own choice etc.
I not only lost my hubby but also my best friend with same
interests and passion for knowledge. He had been divorced too.
He knew the pain of betrayal. He had been married to his cousin
and she was paki born and raised still she had not been true
to him. Needless to say, it had been a huge disappointment.

So yes, I do share through my journals. I dont hide my pain
or whatever Im going through at emotional level. But there
is a huge side of me, you dont get to see. The ambitious
Pathani or own family loco Pathani. Or that I love to cook
etc. Currently buying new flat too, thanks to Allahjee!
Bran-ding company and also busy with Indian web-team
designers for custom made programme needed.......
So I got too many things rolling at the same time and
am only sleeping 4-5 hours..... But wallahi, also loving
it. This is my way to cope with things.
Trust me, I half through admission of psychotherapist
and coaching edu. Its related to my field and I love
medicine and psychology beyond words........... It
will take another 4 years of study, but its more work-shops
oriented and its a funny combo of docs, teachers and social
workers plus nurses.
Besides, here you have to present 3 years of
field work and leadership skills before entry.

My entire thingy about hubby and getting things back is
getting well taken care of. IF he had not moved from
Toronto to London Ontario, I would had knocked at his
door and demanded my things back ALONE!
I might have emotional attachments, but he has wronged
me in eyes of Diin and Dunya.
Im a realist. Desi men are very picky. Imagen being a
divorcee..... Then think of being in my shoes:
Khuda na khasta, divorced TWICE!
I mean, whom would even consider me?
Lets be honest here......

I not the dating type. I am the type, whom lost it both
ways.....the arranged and love marriage dreams.

Im great as a friend, daughter, business partner,
sister..........but wife role is not my kizmat.
And no, by Allahjee:
Whenever I would go out with my hubby in Toronto,
people would look at us as being a very charming
couple....Allahjee gave me looks and wits, but the
heart of his creation, its another story.

Its not the our or your money issue. He thought the
grass was greener at mistress side. We both waited
nearly 3,5 years until getting married. I guess, he
could not control himself.

Ok, I got to go. Gotta attend practice at Orthopedic
ward early morning.
My hurten feelings is my own mess. I dont trust easily
and this experience didnt make it any easier on me.

My journal is also a tool to write my feelings and read
em, to be confronted. Its healthy and yet at times
mind blowing.
My tears are for myself. If I had less pride, I would
just remarry the arranged way, but there is no respect
in that. Not from my point of view, honestly.
Behind my back, people would laugh and I dont
let my enemies get the better of me.

Another factor is, my family members in Pacland
are high profile politicians etc. Its the height
of "bad-naami", regardless whatever my hubby did
against me. I am the one to blame, caz I chose him and
put my family members in weak position.

hope I cleared some misunderstandings......

43

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

Tragic ... i will pray for your friends sanity and good health since i dont think i am in any position to advice her or anyone else ...
but how come all the guys who either have very good religious backgrounds/ knowledge turn out to be like this? i know a guy who prays five times a day and all but yet he is a player and into all kinds of crap :S
and then they say we are good all the other people drool since we know about our religion and pray five times a day - does praying five times a day or reciting the quran give them the authority to physically, mentaly and emotionally abuse someone so much that they cant live nor die, its sad very sad.

44

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

so sad.. hope you get through this pathani.

45

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

Teelo,,, Pray for Pathani as it is her with this story. Inshallah I will pray for you as well Pathani andmay Allah show you pleanty of happiness in this life and the life hereafter inshallah.

46

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

Oh i just read the first thread and thought its her friends problem - ohkay phathani dont worry i will always pray for you girl :slight_smile: just remove your friend thing from my first post

someone i know was about to go through something similar but Allah (S.w.t) saved her, even though she got nikka-o-fied to the guy who was from U.S. and claimed he was a hot shot there, mba graduate from Stranford, living in a posh area and all but thank Allah revealed his true colors before ruksati …turned out he was like the guy phatani mentioned and he acted as if its all cool to be mingling with other girls and all … Allah also showed that girl that her guy wasnt even a collage graduate and some trash in U.S. :S
Allah sab ko bachayeh aisay logo say especially girls like phathani who are so tolerating and forgiving.

what happened to that house breaker by the way?:grumpy: if i ever see her i will slap her and pull her hair n make her gunjja!!!:naraz:

47

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

Pathani is so right...I mean from the outside we can all judge and say...why the hell did you get into this mess in the first place...or why can you not forget about him knowing what a pig he is....
But when you are really in the situation...you do not know how you will feel or react. All theory goes out of the window....I would do this or that if i were in that situation...it all remains empty hollow words.
I do send you my good wishes Pathani to get over this phase of your life...and surely you will emerge a stronger person...and Inshallah meet someone worthy of you.

48

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

Hey, thanks for all the prayers! I need them for sure.

I read threads about forgiveness and patience etc.
Can I forgive....
I cant forgive the humiliation. Cant forgive to make me
a part of low class drama. Cant forgive to be the target
of gossip. Cant forgive my family suffers due to his choices.

I forgave he remarried. Forgave he was not the man I thought
him of. Forgave his weakness, thinking, shaitaan can influence
us through various people...they become the source of doing
sins or gros crimes against your loved ones....

It hurts to know he prefers a woman totally the opposite
of myself. I dont wait for things to happen, I make them
happen. My flair for business and saving etc
was taken as if I wanted to control him. I never thought
jalousy of qualities could be so strong.

This weekend my matter will seattle. Am waiting for the
outcome. The housewrecker saw his ugly sides. He broke
her noose when they were having arguements.
She had pregnancy outside outres. Got one of tubes
removed. Ironicly, the one thing I wished was a kid, now
she might never have one herself.
I got kicked in stomach due to her phonecall at 4 am
because her family were beating her etc and she wanted
his help. When another woman can demonstrate her
powers over my husband.....its a killer.

My in laws dont like her, they just meet her for sake
of their first born son. Her family doesnt think any high
of her. She was thrown away from brothers house, she
lived with.

I guess they have each other. A true love story.
As he would say...
She loves me more than you, Pathani.
Can Love be measured......
sumding wrong with my laptop hmmmm.

ok, will edit my post later.

49

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

hmm what? this is all very confusing...so the whole problem involves pathani or her frnd/cousin.....not that it matters but just 2 be clear abt it........i can only pray that everything works out for the victim.

50

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

oh my dayz
this gal haz seen WAYYYYY 2 much pain
i cant believe she took all that abuse

if i were her
i wudda left that gud4nuthin loooooooooong bk

51

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

:eek:

52

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

No need to get confused.
I wrote the post, not wanting entire GS to know its about my true story,
I changed it into my cousin thingy.
Later on I decided, its better to come clean. Perhaps our Muslim men could learn something out of my real life story. Of course, sisters could also reflect with me more directly.... Some have trusted me with their stories and we have tried to soothe each other, to start a process of self-healing.

I knew him him since 2001. Our families were happy for our decision and we spoke quite often etc. When we got officially engaged in Feb 2005, we had been committed for years. I didnt knew at then, he had offered marriage to several girls while being committed to me. His plan was to marry me and have other wives too. He was never honest about this part. I spent over 2 years getting the accept of my own family. It was very exhausting to put such efforts before marriage. I thought, we both being divorced and unhappy due to our arranged marriage dis-luck, we could make it happen.

Its true, I did try to adjust because it takes way too long to know and accept a new person etc. I tried to make the best of it, though he never gave me my rights or respect. They had managed to built a new life, by making me pay for it all both emotionally and financially. I had more at stake than him. My pride could not handle the out come of yet another divorce. Nobody will ever ask me of my guilt, but the verdict of two divorces will always follow me. I only lived with my husband for 3,5 weeks in Canada as married couple. I spent time with his family living with them, over a month not knowing what he was up to.....
He tried to send me back after 2 weeks in Canada because I told him straight up he had done fraud against me and used me for his own personal benefits.

Now these days, we are going through a divorce process. Our case in at the hand of Jamaat. He refuses to send all my things I had, incl jewelry etc.
He is very upset on me for making him answer to the Jamaat for his doings. We do not speak to each other, he has changed his number and always making new excuses for the way he treated me.
He called me the day before going to Jamaat and threatened to end me. It hurts his pride to answer to senior jamaat officials. His family is devastated, though I called them before they also changed their number, to make him come clean and deal with our matter. I have instructed my own family not to speak with him, because he is using the religion as dispute between my family and I. He does not want to give divorce in written because it will cost him the amount of mehr. It kills him to pay me even a dime, though he has spent over 50.000 dollars upon things and business he owes now with his second wife....

Its easier to leave the first marriage. You kinda hope for the best next time. Then when things happens as in my case, you kinda try to adjust because it becomes a question of just wanting a kid. At end, he didnt mean anything to me. I had no desire to have a healthy relationship with him. I knew he was in love and totally under the will of second wife. I was just the comfort provider.....

53

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

this is why, it is important for women to NEVER EVER get into a relationship with men, without letting them know that they are not trusted, completely.
people are weak and hollow and mean, and that is what one has to believe in case of such people like the ones who hurt this woman in this story
then you should know that you are not a bad person, but someone who allowed someone to take advantage of you.

you should get right back and move youself far away from the shadows of anyone who is that immoral.
it is an ongoing battle of evaluating the strength of the relationship, if one was ever made, honestly.
every relationship is not a game one has to win or lose
confusion and doubts actually derail well meaning intentions as well.
i have seen it happen personally.
practice of being clear- minded is hard, as there is betrayal and there is an insurmountable sense of disappointment.
relationships built on true love, trust and faith are never weak and are good and strong in this world and always beyond distance, beyond time...

shoe size?
54

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

Dushy, from one sis to another, allow me to ask you some personal questions:

Have you ever been married/engaged?
Have you ever had a real life relationship?

I have noticed your posts, they are very philosophical.
Everything in life is hardly as simple as we grasp them to be b4 marriage
or trusting the guidelines our parents bought us up with.
Trust is essential. If you dont show trust, for a man there are lots of options to obtain versus women. We can not deny, we are the weaker gender. We might be strong in various others ways, but when its relationships, I have come to the conclusion...its a man's world. A man is due to biological reasons capable in having a family at any point of his age and have his off spring.

I cant lie and say there was nothing good in him but he was weak when it came to other women..... I remember the good things he taught me and moved on having a life of my very own. Nobody dictates me anything now.
Im not happy for the ugly way it ended and yes, Im not willing to become the laughingstock of my community by getting remarried and God forbid to arrange a wedding a third time. It would be really beneath me and what I stand for. I know the mentality of desi Muslim families..... They would laugh at my back and such a hubby would always be looked down upon.....

Some clerics advocate marriage until the age of 50 for women. Meaning it is BETTER under 50 to remarry and have a relationship, but after 50, one is free from such obligation. There is a long way until age of 50, but the idea doesnt disturb me. Rather alone and happy than disrespected and burned out......

55

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

dear Pathani, :)

to answer your qs, i was trying for the first time in my entire young adulthood, to marry someone, believing that he was there as real as it could be and no, it did not happen for reasons not known to me from the other side. taking back a proposal is a wrong thing to do.
and not explaining its reasons, is a low thing to do.

i just had a long distance, and real life relationship

it was not at all due on his part to leave after proposing
i am better than a lot of people in my resolve to demand an explanation,

every bit if his, i know, is guilty.

life is based on a vision of taking partial responsibility on one's own self
if there are any reasons, then the person should be able to come face to face and speak up what has all along been on his/ her mind.
even handed and equal sincerity was wanting.

culturally, there are many limits placed to fail women, to make them internalize that they are subservient, and then they are called weak.
when someone makes some one so weak, then what can be expected.
then who is to blame? certainly not the person who is made weak.
things never change.

i do agree that i talk in abstract terms, often, the reason being that i am
always looking for a clean slate and an avenue of practicality.
sadness, madness or hurt does not count, and cannot be forgotten because the things that we take for granted are devalued

and then there are always incomplete things left by weaker people.

married or not married, in relationship, life and its challanges stare in face, and you try to patch up with someone, with some hope, but then things are not at all worthy or pursuing, as the other side is either has loads of limitations, personal or familial, or is dishonest.

looking after oneself and others, is the best thing one can do, rest is in the hands of the Maker.

56

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

Every post has a pearl and a turd of wisdom...

PA just dropped the turd...

Where does it say he was even bearded? Or very religious? What kind of a religious person keeps mistresses?

It has to be a mod-Muslim, that's all...

57

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

God...what situations people find themselves in...
Anyhow ther is a simple answer...its called a divorce...the guys a dick pure and simple...hes mistreated you and hes mistreated his mistress...not only that but he physically abused the two of you...
Now heres the thing i can sympathise with the both of you however if you go back then you dont deserve anyones sympathy...
Sometimes when a guy beats his missus he'll accept hes wrong and he needs to work on sorting himself out...your man seems to feel its a stndard thing to do...so if you do go back and you do get beaten again then understand that you only have yourself to blame...the man shows no remorse...
Im sure your not stupid and you know what you should do...whether you do the right thing is another story...its an annoying phenomena that girls moan about how men beat them yet seem to go straight back to those men...

58

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

its out of the question to go back.
Go back for what?
Girls who go back are the sort not having any options or family back up, thats not my case here. Lack of self-esteem is main issue. My pride got hurt, but its under damage control. Its easier just to judge than to come up with solutions, buddy. Nope, he did not dare to touch me again after I threw a heavy chair after him and told him straight to his face, Id most likely do something against him in his sleep not caring for any consequences at all. He knew, I meant every word of it. I dont come from a family where they beat up women etc. The 1. time he hit me, I asked him to take me to Jamaat and start talaq process, but he got scared due to his secret life. The mistress was told to back off and leave us alone, but instead she appeared at our door and did a lot of drama. Ive always lived a straight life with dignity unlike him.

Religious? He did salah, paid zakat, held ramadan, had gotie bear.
Lot of people are religious but bend diin according to their needs/lust. Its not unknown or unheard. Its absolutely few men who are into one woman/wife.
Dushy:
When we are left without solutions, its human nature to pass it over to Allahjee. Women are generally too trusting by nature. Im glad, I did my best and can look back without having the regret in my heart, because my niath and amaal was as Islam demands of me as a muslim wife. I rest my case.

I got a healthy feed back and various comments being food for thought. Im waiting for the closure through Jamaat. I did request him again to end things the right way and without being so rigid.
I might post his last e-mail here to show what sort of arrogance he is capable of. Depends on what the Mods say .......:D If I may or not......

A part of me wants to send a link, so he can read the entire thread. But knowing his temper and sense of false pride, he will most likely get even by posting my picture..... I kinda really dont need that....due to my family......

59

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

if a man strikes at a woman, that is the end of it.
leave him and in due time, he will get automatically hurt himself.

60

Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.

ok dushy, I will let you have the last word of the thread, Im having enough of constant "knowing better" approach. To live with a man and have a real life is much different than fine words or having big thoughts upon each matter. Life is very different than what we expect or dream it to be. As I have repeated tried to come through with my point:
Its easy to do so when its the first marriage.
Second marriage, there are TOO much at stake.
I dont expect you to comprehend my situation since you are blessed.....not being a divorcee. I had very fine ideas being single at young age as many others.