Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
maulvis dont have mistresses…
dont just jump on maulvis for everything u see/hear…
that he had ‘reliiguos knowledge’ is her perception, maybe the guy had just read some books/articles and dint really know what religion is…
try to use ur brain for a change…
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
Exactly, my point.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
There is usually no need for the other side of the story if there is physical abuse. No matter what he did, she did, if he hit her, thats it.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
She still hangs on and waits for him. There is another side of the story. “Thats it”, is not warranted
We are condemning someone unheard. Who can prove whats said is absolute truth?
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
yesh, lets coddle the guy whos beating his wife.. 
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
Assalaam Guppies,
My apologies, Im really very sorry. I still have a cold lung infection, taken antibiotics twice but it still wont go away. On Jumah, inshallah I have to go for x-ray of lungs, to make sure Im not drowning.....rofl.
Life is a series of events. But, if you have too many misfortunes and personal losses, it does emotionally cripple you. For some, especially women, the very idea of a second divorce is totally UNBEARABLE.
Now my best friend, she is also pathani by origin. Good looking, bold and intelligent. Became the president of pathans at merely age of 18. It was unheard! Her father supported her and she was very active in our government as adviser to the minister of Interior affairs. I cant speak 7-8 languages, but she does, even Punjabi!
Why does she endure? Caz she chose him herself. She tried the arranged thing and her ex used her to get green card. He even got his family settled abroad with her help. He was into disco and gori women with kids. Later on he became a criminal and she was strong enough to divorce him. It took her several years to come over the past.
We used to talk about rishtay and naseeb. I guess, she was very fond of her second husband's personality, the way he would talk and convey his thoughts. I cant say it was love marriage, but rather a marriage of mature age and decision. They lived apart in two separate countries, had their families involved but still, it just went wrong.
Well, what else should I do when she trusts me? I listen to her by simple rule of active listening and support her regardless whatever she decides. She doesn't need to be judged or hurt by my opinions. I pray, she starts her own process of healing and letting go.
She just wants a child now. I know, she is a strong woman, able to live alone and control her desires because she has been burned severely...... I once joked, that she could have any man she wanted..... Green eyes and light brown blondish hair color, who wouldn't as Desi, want her for wife? I have seen at her work place, how the European men turn their neck around.....lol
Her brother sent her to a shrink last week. She has lost lot of weight, seems highly depressed, and same time coping it all by being a workaholic. I mean, seriously.... She studies full time and got a part time job besides it.
I have talked with her husband and he is just way too intelligent for me to argue with. He slams references of Quran, Hadice and moral values. He cant see what he did or does, is all beyond Islam. He refuses to send talaq. I guess, when her family takes her to Sheikh, he gets away with paying half the mehr! Very cunning, isn't it?
The huge problem is, they are of different sects. Now when they fight, he threatens her with all hell, because when Sheikh becomes to know the truth, her entire Society or social surroundings will hear about it. I know, she would rather die than bring more embarrassments upon her family! Her eldest brother beat her up the other day, because he was so frustrated. Their mother has diabetes and she is really not well after this second tragedy. Aunt fell x III times last week, almost broke her legs.
I pray for her mental health. Time does not heal all wounds. Since he has not sent the allowance to her, the divorce process will take place very soon. I don't wish it for my worst enemy, to hear a sister/friend cry the way she does. He could HAD married his second wife without dragging his first wife to foreign country and shame her like that. I know, he threatened to send her back within merely TEN days of marriage. He wanted time for himself, she was too demanding! I bet, he doesn't wish it for his own sister to find used lingeries when its suppose to best time as newly wed.....
Perhaps, it is easier for him to be a good husband to second wife because he did not take any money from her (she is broke and can hardly speak English). Some men can not respect intelligent companion, thus they abuse them. They fear competition. My friend had her own Business in the past. Now she is minded to open a new company when she is done with studies. I guess, she fills the gap with practical things, stable things.
And I swear on Kaaba, this IS A TRUE STORY. I'm even her relative, cousin. Please pray for her and her family. Khala is very upset and suffering because she cant help her own daughter. I heard her crying at nights, was sleeping over at their place. She has no voice, constant crying has put too much on throat. Her brothers asked if I could spend some time with her, when she is not working herself to death..... I cant stop crying myself at times, when she tells me the death of her father was not as heavy on her (though she was totally down for over 3 years when her dad died), as the sorrow of loosing a husband, she loved/trusted/adored..... That he was a father figure to her and the loss seems too unbearable.
Look buddies, he KNEW she was extra sensitive being a divorcée and also "yatiim". He cares for his second wife, she had a divorce without "rukhsati" because they found out in time, the man was fraudia, he didn't tell he had been married a couple of times and got kids too. I think, it IS much harder to eat the humiliation of choosing on your on and listening to smart aunties and their clever remarks.....you should had let your family chose the guy...you had no business to decide on your own..etc..its a killer!
Some of my friends don't like other communities, or "clans", so now they blame her because she chose a Punjabi guy, while they are pathans...so they claim the other party often mislead women etc. My cousins would eat his lever, but since their mother is not well, their hands are ties, as long as she lives. Of caz, this wont be forgotten at any price. Allah is all knowing and All seeing......
What goes around, comes around.
I believe in Karma, he cant run from it.
This earth is Nirvana and hell, all depending on your choices made in life.
Most of you are perhaps single. Can you imagen to know more than one man/woman your entire life? So if she is forced to take talaq, there is still no guarantees for success. And I know, she is a very "ghairatmand" woman, cant tolerate to hear any low remarks etc. She is financially strong etc. Why even try to explain to a third husband, whatever happened? He will always doubt her character and moral values. Divorce is a huge personal shame! Its a sign of failure. Its a sign of being from a weak family, which they are not. They agreed to let her marry this guy because they wanted her to be happy.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
^ I am so sorry to hear what she had to go through. Ofcourse people will pass on remarks and a strong woman, which she is, should handle it wisely. At one point in time you have to realise that the relationship has gone sour and it is no more working and that there is no hope so its a failure. Admitting it to be a failure and moving on from it becomes a necessity. Although its a huge personal shame yet to fester such a wound may result in huger personal shame. Let me explain here that I am strongly against the breakups and I do pray that she gets over with her problems and gets back part of the person best suited for her and I pray that they come to a workable agreement. At the same time I have this advice for her to grow up and deal with what has happened in a logical way. For example; going for a child at this stage would be asking for a trouble on continued basis. She should take stock of the things in their entirety before deciding important issues. May God help her in her ordeal and guide you all to steer things for her.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
ahem ahem.. reading armughal?
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
I still don't see any reason why she can't get a divorce. If he's manipulating her, then she needs to take the saccrifice if she's this miserable. If her family is good, then they'll support her, and "humiliation" will not be an issue. Only her "husband" should be humiliated, because he's being so abusive.
If she's independent and working, etc, I don't know why she's still hanging onto this guy. I don't think she needs him for anything. Maybe there are some self-esteem problems involved.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
This is just a case of your friend having very low self-esteem for herself. I pray to Allah SWT that he make it easier for her but there is no cure but time. And I also pray that someone who can't appreciate his wonderful wife does not deserve her anyways. I know she still wants to be with him despite the physical and mental abuse but that's a cultural thing.
There are plenty of guys who would be honored to have someone so dedicated. she deserves better.
May Allah SWT make her life easier and show her happiness.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
we are condemning someone unheard who has allegedly struck his wife, has physically beaten her. If that is true, the other side of the story does not matter.
the other side of the story is heard more for perspective rather than to ascertain if what is being said is the truth.
if you want to hear the other side of the story to find out if this story is true, then indeed you need the other side of the story, but if you are trying to get perspective, then there is no perspective that would justify a man beating his wife.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
Thank you for the great replies @GS.
I sent her a link to read the thread. Permission was given to write about the drama....yeah, at times, it all reminds me of those Lahori or Karachi stage-show drama.
Since we have a lot divorces in Muslim Community, people seem to find a untraditional way out to live life. In my cousin's case, I can relate to the need of the having a child. She can have the joy and blessings of becoming a mother. It is not the destiny of every woman to be blessed with nice hubby and kids. Some must chose between the alternatives, that has been served from the husband's side/decision. He lives in Canada and she will have her separate life with kid. Whatever he has going on with his behayaa second wife, it wont be her concern. She does no expect anything from him.
When he did not want to buy wedding dress for her, asked if she could use his sister's old parrot green walima dress, she knew he was a failure. But by then, all invitations had been sent out and reception place was booked and paid in advance. His family did not want to take responsibility since after the engagement, he had forced them to meet the mistress and thinking of breaking up. But they refused. So at wedding, they did not want to take part, because they knew their son was a mess. He arrived the day before wedding. Our family had to cancel Mendhi rasm and all. We doubted he would even arrive at his own wedding. He had humiliated us from the beginning. My cousin slept 10-14 hours daily that week up to wedding. Didn't want to talk with any, just thinking of suicide even the.
I wish the problems were merely as described. But, he was smart. He had her open 2-3 mobile numbers by Fido in Canada, Toronto. He still uses the numbers in her name. Fido can not help us! He has changed the numbers and of course, she wont be able to get the deposits back.
I have been trying to call him several times, but the phone is always on voice mail. We are trying to fix the date of going to Sheikh and get the talaq process started, so if Sheikh want to ask him questions...it should happen right away. My cousin is very afraid of the fact, he will end up telling Sheikh....He is not from the sect they believe but rather....hmmm, cant even type it, knowing what hell it will cause. Love is truly blind. This is the part she should never had hidden from her family. They might cut the ties in pure anger. God forbid, the other day, one of her brothers told her, she should be grateful, they have not killed her like other families do, bringing such disgrace upon their family name.....
Someone mentioned low self-esteem. Well, after all the "tanah baazi" from family in Pakistan and abroad, no wonder, she feels worthless. A "buuj" as she calls herself. She is thinking of suicide, jokes about it. Tried to give me money for "kaffan and burial arrangements". I got so shocked, started to curse her husband..... But she cant tolerate it. I don't know, how can she still even want to remain in his niqah.....it doesn't make sense!
After talaq, I hope, I can persuade her to sue him. She has all the documents of the cash he took. I know he has several web-sites running, but they are not registered in his name.
Yeah, she thought he had had his fun with girls and dating etc. She had told him he could date or whatever, all before marriage. But after wards, she wanted a peaceful stable life.....no goris or mistress as alternatives. So ambivalent, having such great knowledge in religion, yet so "sacht ayaash zinaii-tabiyat" nature.
I wonder, how can a woman move into another person's home and just live on as NOTHING has happened? Don't such women feel shame or dirty?
I recall a saying in Urdu:
Jis ne ki sharm, us ke pootay karam.
Jis ne ki be-hayaii us ne kaii duud malaii.
Oh, I forgot to mention...he cant stand when my cousin argues with him. HE always uses the "circumstances" as excuse. Then, she asks him why on earth he remarried, when he CANT afford it?....he flames up and tells her she is badtamiiz and he wants respect! RESPECT???? He still wants the respect, the kind Muslim woman shows her husband daily way..... Its a sick world, wallah.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
pathani, u said u cant even type what sect he's from because it will cause hell... is he even muslim?? because i dont think muslims would denounce another sect... or would they??
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
pathani.. what is the update on the story? has she left him?
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
Pardon me pathani if i am wrong, but i think the whole story is fake and perhaps u like self-pity.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
oh my God, in her journal it says this whole story.. and it really happened to her and not her friend! thats horrible!
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
Pardon me too, bro. When you will be blessed with second divorce, I will
be ready to be an active listner, rather than a none-empathic person.
Then let us see, if you were able to stand firm on the ground.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
I am so sorry to hear your story Pathani.
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
why did she marry the donkey in the first place? If i was her friend....I wouldve warned her from the beginning.....you shouldnt ignore the things u dont like about a guy....they wont change later on...if theres something u dont like about him before marriage....it will stay there after marriage too.....dont think marriage will just instantly change it....she shouldve known he's like this from before....these kinda "guys" are not men....i dunno what they are
Re: Wife, mistress and hubby.
Actually it's not a friend. It's Pathani herself. If you read her journal, you'll know. However I dont think that there is anything wrong in saying that its your cousin instead of you Pathani, dont take me the wrong way. If it is really is you I wouldnt blame you. It takes courage to express your feelings with the rest of us and I understand you must be feeling hurt which is why your saying its your cousin instead of yourself who's going through this episode in your life. Pathani, I beleive that you should leave him and move on with your life. I know it must be hard moving on, however with time you will heal Inshallah and may Allah be with you. You are one of many women who have been treated like this in their lives however, I beleive you are the first person who has to take that step to stop whatever it is that keeps you attached to this man who has made your life hell as you say. You have to find it in yourself and to help yourself find closure. In your journal it says that you were enaged to him and that there was no nikkah and hense you could not have a walima. If this implies that you have no done a nikkah or even court marriage it shouldn't be as hard for you to get married again. Another thing you should consider doing is STOP sending him money. Why would u do that? how could u send someone like that money?? I just dont know what else to say. Well anwaysy I hope Allah's grace is with you and may he guide you in the right way.