Why take joy in hurting others?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I’m not one to talk about my personal problems on the internet, but I really don’t know who to discuss this with. I don’t want to tell my husband because I shouldn’t discuss any family related problems with him because I don’t want him to lose respect for my family, and others around, I feel too shy and ashamed to tell them about it. Please do comment and give me your advice insha’Allah.

Anyways, my issue is my older sister. For some reason, she takes JOY in making fun, putting me down, and always showing how worthless, ugly, incapable of doing things right, and fat I am. It’s not only now, its from before she was married, as I was growing up,I’m medium, not fat or not exactly skinny, and also not all sticks like my sister was, I also have a round face, which makes me look chubby, but really I’m not. So all my life, even after her marriage, I was always made to feel worthless because I have a round face and not as skinny as her. I’d always vow to lose weight so I could become skinnier than her and try to become more beautiful than her, but it never worked, I always stayed the same. Again, not fat at all, just more full than her.Finally, after she had her two kids, she gained weight, and I finally got to be SKINNIER than her, alhumdulillah. But even now, she always looks at me critically with scorn on her face and tries to find things wrong with me. Yesterday I was wearing my wedding band which is a bit snug on my finger (the diamond lady wouldn’t listen when I told her I wanted it a bit bigger). So she had to try pulling it off my finger, to only tell me that its too tight for me. Thanks baji. Then, today I just got off the phone from speaking to my husband, I was kind of glowing after speaking to him, then she goes "I don’t understand what you two have to talk about when you two don’t even live together!’ I was like so… go ask any engaged couple what they talk about. After that she starts making fun of me and my nose. Thanks, I’m already SUPER self conscious about myself, especially about the size of my nose and I really think low of myself, my husband has to go through great pains to convince me that I’m beautiful, and when she says stuff like that, it makes me right back down again, doubting what my husband says and doubting whether my mother in law will like me since I’m not as good looking as the other daughter in law, and I still have one more brother in law who needs to marry, so who know what his wife will look like. I was thinking maybe my extremely low self esteem could be due to the consistent put downs I’d get from my sister, and how worthless and ugly I am.

I can just see my sister mocking me in the future, about the clothes that I’m wearing (my sister is wayyyyyyyy more better looking than me, and I know that my new nice clothes would look nicer on her, but oh well, just because I wasn’t created as beautiful as her doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to wear nice clothes), I can see her in the future criticizing the way my house is set up, or how messy it is, how in the world will my husband find me sexy and attractive, about the way I dress my future children, etc, etc! She’ll definitely find her ways to pick out my flaws and present them to everyone. And I honestly don’t understand WHY she does it, what joy does it bring to her heart when she hurts me? I usually laugh it off, but today, I just got thinking that do you think she’s jealous of me? I don’t know of what, because she’s got it all: looks, two cute kids, a good husband, a house, I don’t know what more she can ask for. I guess maybe because I have a better life than she did growing up, I don’t know what it is. But I’m just scared that if she’s jealous of me, I should start reading prayers for protection against the shar, and to not open up to her so much in order to avoid being hurt. Allahu 'alim. May Allah cleanse my heart of all impurities, remove suspicion from my heart, and try to be easy going and relaxed, be content and grateful for all the bounties I’ve been blessed with, and to forgive and forget. Ameen.

Your thoughts and ideas please :slight_smile:

Wassalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

2

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

As-Salik,

I've never even met your sister and I could easily tell that she's **jealous **of you even before getting halfway through your post. And I thought to myself how pathetic it is that your sister doesn't realize that she's only making a fool out of herself by behaving like this in front of others. When a person behaves in a rude manner in public, they might think that they are projecting power over you, but they don't realize that they're degrading their own character in front of others. Confident people are secure with themselves and with what they have in life. Insecure people need to pick out flaws in others to make themselves feel more superior.

You might wonder to yourself that why on earth would she be jealous of me when she has everything in the world. You said that you are now thinner than your sister. Well, she feels insecure about her body and so she feels the need to put you down. Perhaps your sister envies your relaxed lifestyle because you are free from the responsibility of having children. Perhaps she's jealous because you have excelled in other areas of your life such as intelligence, sports, or relationships. Perhaps she's jealous because people tend to like you more than her. She makes fun of your nose perhaps because she's jealous of your pretty hair or lovely eyes. A person can envy you for any small petty reason.

Tell me something. Since when did your sister become the standard for beauty? You may think she's better looking than you BUT she's still not Miss World. So why are you so concerned about what your sister thinks? Does your sister pay your bills? Is she paying for your wedding? Is she paying your clothes? Please don't be afraid of her. The most important thing is that your fiance finds you beautiful. If he was not even remotely attracted to you, he would never have agreed to marry you. And your mother-in-law must have liked you, otherwise why would she want to make you a part of her family?

A prominent figure in Islam once said that "Relatives need love. Love does not need relatives." In other words, you don't need to seek your sister's love or approval. If you want sincere love........you can find that from many people in your life such as your parents, your husband, and your friends. You don't need to be dependent upon your sister for love or acceptance. There are many people in your life who love you the way you are.........and you're putting yourself down JUST FOR ONE person?

My advice is that you talk to your sister and tell her how you feel. Start off the discussion in a positive way by mentioning her positive qualities. For example tell her that "You're my sister and I love you because you have an amazing personality, a generous heart, and a strong spirit." (Basically start it off by praise). And then proceed to express your feelings of hurt. Try to avoid using the word "you" when you do this.....because that will make your sister defensive and angry. Stick to "I" messages. For example, tell her "We're sisters and I would like it if the both of us can get along. You're older than me and there is much that i can learn from you. I don't understand why there needs to be constant bitterness and criticizing in our relationship. I'm your sister, not your enemy. I have never wished ill for you. For the sake of God, let's try to work on improving our relationship."

^Try talking to her in this fashion and listen to what she has to say. If she cooperates, that's great. If she doesn't, then move on with your life. Continue showing your sister tolerance......and if she keeps up her crappy behavior.......eventually the world around her will be able to tell that SHE is the one who has the problem. She's just shooting herself in the foot. Don't stoop to her level. Continue showing people that you are the BIGGER *more dignified, more mature person.

*
**********Low self-esteem **can affect other areas of our life as well such as marriage, friendships, job, health. SO.........please don't destroy your happiness in all these areas of life for just **ONE person (your sister).

I know that my post is long but I hope that i've addressed several of your concerns. Be strong and don't give ONE PERSON the power to destroy the most beautiful and special day of your life (wedding). Best wishes for a beautiful and joyous wedding. :)

Punjabi Words...!!!
3

Walaikum Assalam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatahu

EXACTLY she is JEALOUS OF YOU.

Don't care about what she says.

I don't understand too what pleasures it gives to ppl by hurting them in this world but don't worry my dear she will get her pleasure on judment day.

As quran says aik aik chotay say chotay baat aur kaam ka hisaab lia jaay ga to aap ki bahan ko to achchi tarha hisaab dena ho ga insha Allah.

Tell her quran kahta hai jub achchi baat na kah sako to khamosh raho.

I know I saw that kind of sister.

I saw the jealous sister even use their kids to say things even to beat or push and degrade. But you know what now you have to stand for yourself.

How? First you have to start thinking you are the best (like me lol). I love this song "I'm the best, I'm the best".

I also love this song "Koi bura kahay ussay goli maro".

Now you do what she does to you. You start keeray bazing in her in each and every thing. When she would say anything bad to you then you reply to her that but I look way more beautiful or good or better then you.

Why didn't you say that you look TB ki mareez when she was skinny lol or qahat zada lol.

I learned from life that budtameez ppl don't stop if you keep quite to stop them you have to do budtamizi to them in the same way they do to you.

NO matter what always think that you are beautiful. Never ever ever ever think about yourself that you are low or have no value. Because if your in laws will find that you have that so low self esteem about yourself they will do same to you like your sister if they won't like you.

You must be a great person. Now stand up for yourself. Don't stand up on a chair or table (joke). Make fun of her fatness now all the time. Kall her chubbo rani lol.

4

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

I don't think your sister is jealous of you. Some people are just blunt and inconsiderate of other's feelings that they may hurt people and not even realize it. And i think she's one of those. Please don't take it to heart. Your sister doesn't want ill for you.

5

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

^ That is also a possibility. Perhaps your sister is not jealous. Perhaps she is simply narcissistic or arrogant. But keep in mind that narcissism/arrogance has roots in insecurity....just like how jealousy also stems from insecurity. Even over-competitive people suffer from insecurity. Your sister might simply be blunt and tactless and inconsiderate.....but there is a LIMIT even to this negative behavior. If the girl has **NEVER **praised you and has only put you down all her life.........she is more than just inconsiderate.....she's suffering from deep-rooted insecurities OR she has some antisocial disorder if she behaves like that with everyone.

Does your sister treat OTHER people like this? If she only treats YOU like this (all the time)....then there's a good chance it's an insecurity/severe jealousy issue.

6

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

My thoughts are that she might be jealous - unknowingly. It happens sometimes. We dont know or even notice it and we say things that might hurt others.

She is your sister, if you ever needed a kidney...she would give it. If you were stuck in the middle of the highway, you would call her. If you needed money for some sort of unexpected reason, she would take care of it if she could. God forbid any of this ever happen. The thing is, she doesnt intentionally say things to hurt you or want bad for you...but she is jealous and she doesnt understand it which is why it comes out in such mean and impulsive ways. I dont think she understands the weight of her comments or the effect they have on you. She thinks you're a lot tougher then you come off.

Two things you can do:

A) Talk to her. However, if you talk to her you have to solid examples to show her she was wrong. Be prepared to be open, honest and also understanding. She may open up to you and tell you what the issue is or even apologize and stop.

B) Smile, nod and keep walking. Develop a thicker skin and realize you have your own life ahead of you that you have to worry about. Thinking about these petty comments does more bad then good so lets not. If she says something mean, answer her with a compliment. No, Im not asking you to be Mother Theresa...you can actually guilt her into stopping and avoid confrontation. After a while, people will notice and think she is nuts for being so rude when you're so nice to her.

Good luck sister and congratulations on your life ahead of you!!!

Timepass April 2013
7

Your sister may be jealous of you like others have stated, or she may not. People put down others because it makes them feel empowered. She may not exactly feel jealous of you, but she may have some insecurities which she feels conscious of, and she places this on you. She might do it to feel better about herself (i.e. her own body image) or because she feels empowered when she knows she has manipulated you into feeling bad. SHe could have a superiority complex as well, since she ‘thinks’ she’s better-looking than you. Or she may be at a low point in her life, and to make herself feel better, she puts others down.

Also, one other reason behind it might be that your parents treated you differently than her, and she is resentful about it. I know i was resentful of my little sis for a while because my parents were SOO strict on me (what i wore, who i talked to, how I spoke, acted, etc) and they were SOOO lax on her, but I got over it in a couple years. It made me angry since i was always the ‘good girl’ ie. always listening, never arguing, but i had the stricter rules, while she was a bit more rebellious but still got her way. But I wouldn’t make her feel bad about her looks, i would just bug her to follow the rules that I had to follow. OK I’m a bad person, but I stopped now people…:snooty:

There are some options:

  1. tell her how you feel, although i’m guessing she already knows and purposely does what she does to make you feel that way
  2. Fight fire with fire, and find things wrong with her that you can reply to her insinuations with
  3. ignore it and be sweet about it, and channel your anger to a better cause- like working out: when you’ve got 10 more crunches to 100, just think of her and how you will prove her wrong about your weight. Competition can drive people to be their best
8

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

As-salik - :hugz:..i know what u mean …i have cousins like that, although they arent Good looking and i dont mean that in a bad way. but people do put you down and it hurts more when they are the ones most closest to you… so sis ..remember…you are beautiful in your husbands eyes, happy and content. noone ever said a round face isnt beautiful!but society puts its own ideals and forces them on people…try to be more confident, sure of yourself, if you show youre insecure it will just make her ridicule you more. next time she says something, tell her something back but tactfully, as you seem like a terrific person so you dont want to stoop to her level .something like ..‘haha yes my husband loves that though’ or anything that u think will shut her up. most important …DONT LET HER MAKE YOU FEEL WORTHLESS…noone has the power to do that until you let them … and yes ..do recite duas, and the Quran for protection, because sometimes it is even a case of jealousy and insecurity on the part of the other person that makes them be this way. Beauty is in all forms sis …noone has the right to categorize…Allah swt made us all the way he saw fit… so please dont be upset or waste your feeling over her ..shes not worth it.

9

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

aww... i feel for you. i m kinda in the same boat. ill tell u abt it later. first off, i dun think ur sis is jealous of you. she mite b insecure and shows and acts in a way that shows shes jealous. i personally think looks play a huge role in anyone's life. however, i strongly believe that one's character is far more imp than looks. looks attract ppl initially but it is the character the way u talk to ppl that attracts them even more. so in the end, you can b the winner if u keep this in mind. i dunno how well known you are in ur social circles. maybe u r friendly and approachable and ppl like ur company and she hates that??? cus she has nothin to flaunt except her looks... she mite b insecure that you are more popular and loved than she is. Mashallah you r a lucky woman, who has a hubby who loves her alot and tells her she is beautiful so it dusnt make sense that you take your sis's views to your heart. ultimately its ur hubs who is gonna b with u. imp thing is he shud find u sexy... u r not gonna show ur sexiness and physical beauty to her rite? so let her talk crap. but seriously, its hurting to know ur own sis doin this to you. why dun u sit down and calmly talk to her.. cus the way you said it, it appears that she will FOREVER continye to b *****y and this has gotta stop for your own good cus otherwise i m sure you will go crazy.
i feel so sorry for you cus most of the feelings you share, esp abt the part where ur insecure how beautiful ur bIL's wife is gonna be. honestly i felt the same way when my BIL got engaged. she is v v slim, fair and got the most beautiful smile on earth...i felt my heart was in my throat.. it was a horrible feeling. but u know how i got up? i said, to hell with her looks... what i shud b worried abt is how nice she is with ppl. cus u know paki gals, they are political, they are not like us, innocent and straight forward, they know the politics of paki culture and how to do things acc to what they like by foolin other ppl. so i strted gettin more and more close to my inlaws and their immediate relatives... so much that everyone strted sayin i m this and that... i m so friendly, social blah blah. i worked soooooooooo damn hard. but i really did it dil se... before i hated socialising and it showed on my face too. but i worked on it and tried to b as loving as possible with ppl. so now what is killin me is, is she gonna b better than me in character.... is she gonna win everyone's hearts.... is she gonna b v loving with kids... so thats what i m workin on.. Inshallah i will b able to b the best bahu.. i m prayin to God to make my heart so pure that every emotion, every gesture makes other ppl feel i love them and deeply care. thot i shud share my experience with you. hang in there and just worry abt your behavior with others. xoxoxo loads of hugs!!!!

10

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

You know my sister is a bit like that, over time i have found out it is just her personality. Just dont take it to heart what she says i know that over time it can get a bit too much and u feel down but be the better person and ignore it.

11

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

jazakallah khairan all my beautiful sisters for giving this needy sister your wise words of wisdom. It really helped me feel better and have a more better attitude of how to handle her. But I wonder, do you (or sis Redvelvet since you speak mainly from a psychological approach), know of websites or articles that I can read about gaining self-esteem. Unfortunately, I can't just look in the mirror and say I'm the best, because I see too many of my flaws, both inward and outward, although people do tell me that I'm pretty, but I never take it seriously since I know that I'm not. But would you happen to know of any good articles that can help combat such thoughts? Your right low self esteem can really spoil relationships, and I don't think its fair to others if I'm always depressed and untrusting towards others just because a few people might think I'm not attractive. Jazakallah again sisters!

Timepass April 2013
Timepass April 2013
12

As-Salik,

I’m guessing that you are in your twenties right now. In the future when you become an old woman, your hair might turn gray and thin, your skin will become wrinkled and withered, your eyes and cheeks will have a sunken look, you might gain weight, etc . LOOK, when you are OLD, you’re going to look at pictures of yourself when you were in your 20’s and think how good-looking you were then and you’re going to appreciate your beauty that faded away.

^That’s what I tell myself when I have days where I think I don’t look so great. Look at those people who are seriously deformed or handicapped and thank Allah for what He has given you. Unless you want to opt for plastic surgery, you can’t change the way you look. So accept and embrace how you look, it’s unique, it makes you YOU. You can’t change the features Allah has given you, so why not just focus on the basics such as eating healthy/sleeping/exercising to maintain healthy skin and body…and smiling…and being a good person… (these things are enough to make someone look attractive)

The other thing I’ve noticed about you is that you keep talking about LOOKS. Are** LOOKS** the only thing that matter to you? What about intelligence, ability, and personality? Don’t you care about those things as well? When you grow old and your beauty fades away…what are you going to have left to offer in terms of character and personality? Looks will fade, but your personality stays with you forever. Unfortunately your sister is SO SHALLOW AND SUPERFICIAL that her major priority in life is **LOOKS **and nothing else. Perhaps if your sister stopped worrying about LOOKS so much, she could concentrate on improving her personality which is soooo toxic and harmful.

As-Salik, your sister’s obsession with LOOKS has made you become fixated on LOOKS as well. It’s sad to think that a person believes they have nothing to offer their family, friends, and the world but their LOOKS. What else do you have to offer? Allah also blessed you with intelligence, good character, and ability. Instead of focusing on LOOKS so much, you need to start acknowledging all your accomplishments** (good grades, awards, special recognition, compliments you have recieved, goals that you have fulfilled, any good that you have done for another person, successful relationships).** And the next time someone compliments you…simply say “Thank you,” instead of disagreeing with the person and putting yourself down. Seriously, if someone has taken the time to compliment you, why would u try to waste their efforts by putting yourself down. Praise is praise and most sincere people won’t compliment you unless they mean it.

Yes, I placed emphasis on the word LOOKS several times in my post. I didn’t do this to offend you. I was trying to show you that this is the only thing that you focused on so far and that you’ve totally ignored other important qualities. You’re a great person with a good personality and much to offer. Don’t let your sister’s superficial and insecure attitude rub off on you. I hope these links are helpful:
Building Self-esteem - Raising Self-esteem, National Mental Health Information Center
Building Self-esteem - Activities, National Mental Health Information Center

Timepass April 2013
13

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

jazakallah khair sis, you're right, I do have so much more to offer, most ppl love to be around me because I love to make ppl smile, joke around, and also be the one to turn to when advice is needed. I'm the one who loves to talk passionately about religion, be a supportive, caring, and stern teacher when the time requires, and alhumduillah, as a teacher, I AM making a difference in many children's lives. Alhumduillah. I guess that's really all that matters, because its true, the more beautiful you are from inside, the more beautiful you become in the eyes of people. And I guess its just years of being put down because of the way that I look that makes me also analyze looks way too much, and there is much more to a person than looks. So inshallah I'm going to focus on continuously improving my character and relationship with others by following the noble character of our beloved Prophet (saw), and inshallah, that'll raise my self esteem and make me not place as much imoprtance on looks which fade.

14

^And as I told you earlier, that this is probably one of the reasons your sister feels jealous of you. If your sister treats you like dirt, her negative attitude must also get on the nerves of other people. Perhaps she finds it harder to makes friendships compared to you...and this could be a cause for her jealousy/insecurity. Maybe it bothers her when she reflects that people are more drawn/attracted to you than to her.

I've known a few people in my life who are GORGEOUS. I'm talking these people have SUPERMODEL GORGEOUS faces. But unfortunately their personalities are not that great...because they don't even have basic respect for others. And eventually many people in their lives WOKE UP and realized that their gorgeous looks can't make up for their awful personalities. And sadly, people started to avoid these gorgeous individuals. Often times people will not admit why they are jealous. Your sister will not admit that she's jealous. She might also not even tell you why she feels jealous and insecure about you. But think about it this way, people that MATTER to you have told you that you're pretty. And with your positive personality combined with your pretty face.........these SAME PEOPLE must see you as a beautiful person. Your beauty goes beyond just your face.......your beauty also reflects in your character and actions. And your sister unfortunately, her beauty only stops at her face. And believe it or not.......people must be able to see the difference between the two of you.

P.S........I'm a teacher as well ;)

15

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

exactly she is ill mannered and batameez , someone needs to teach her manners.
As-Salik starting now if she hurts your feeling and you know she will tell her bluntly that you do not appreciate her negativity and you will appreciate if she stops that negative attitude , say all this respectfully and in very cool manner. She will be shocked initially but soon she will start to calm down. It will not turn her into an angel but it will stop her excesses and will give you peace of mind.

16

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

wOw! does your sister have a history of mental illness?

It's none of her "consious" business to treat you that way! Stand up for yourself girl!

Find one thing that bugs her - one thing that's embarrassing for her - and keep repeating it until she realizes how it hurts.

You on the other hand need to stay around positive people. If someone says something nice about you - then YOU need to MAGNIFY IT - and be proud of yourself.

Keep away from the negative energy. That's all I gotta say.

17

Re: Why take joy in hurting others?

I find it very difficult to believe that sisters treat eachother like this.

As-salik, have you ever sat down with your sister and told her that this is how you perceive her to be? If not, do so now, make her realise that she is your sister and sisters should never want to make eachother feel bad.

I don't get how sisters can be jealous of eachother, you know there is a hadith "Want for your brother, what you want for yourself" or something similar, same applies to sisters.

IF she is doing this because of jealousy, she is INSECURE and you may need to explain to her that she has no reason to be insecure, reverse the psychology, tell her her good points, re-iterate them and then tell her yours. Say you have your good points, I have mine. Tell you still consider that you need to improve on yourself, and she should also improve on hers. May be she will realise that every single small thing she says to you has an effect that is unpleasant.

Timepass April 2013
Timepass April 2013
18

**can you please write that again? I want to read that again! For what did you marry then? You seem to have no self confidence. You know Allah describes Husband and Wife like a Chador covering eachother in good and especially in bad times. Why can't you discuss that with your husband? Why do you think that it's all about sex and producing children like the majority of the female gender here @GS thinks?

Do you think your Husband will cause trouble and confront your sister with her attitude? Do you think it will have an bad effect on your relationship with your hubby, your inlaws and with your family? If you see no other option, if I was you I would say to my sister "Dear, can you come here please" and when she comes just give her a punch in the face so she never ever dares to speak. Hell lotta women need a punch in their face to think and walk straight again. **

I'd recommend you to talk to your husband as it'S your duty to inform your Husband when you get a problem. Would you call that a Relationship otherwise, if the Husband or the Wife doesn't know what kind of trouble his/her spouse is going thru. Why are you making it so hard for you or is this once again a late April Joke?

19

:omg:

you mean mid-may! April is farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr gone!

20

Hey big boi you talking like child.

You are right man and woman are chador for each other. But that quran says. PPL don't or mostly ppl don't behave like that to each other in reality.

Husband and wife relationship sometimes are very nazuk rishta and sometimes strongest but it all depends on person if they both love each other I mean true love or they both hate each other or one of them hate each other. but in last 2 cases either or one have to work tactfully otherwise marriage become faileur.

So when wife thing that it is not comfortable or suitable to share then there is no need to share.

To tell you the truth. Some and most husbands are like if they know anything bad about the wife or her family he keep teasing her again and again. Even about realtives topic and things so. So it's better to hide instead of getting teased after telling him.

As one of my behnoi tease my sister because one of my cousin left her husband and married someone else he continuously tease my sister for that. You guys are like that though my sister is bhugting him from more then a dacade.

Now I think I made some sense.