why should we adjust?

[Jolie]

Re: why should we adjust?

hmmm good idea. Now if only i can find the book in this damn place, i doubt it. How long did she stay in pak for? but im sure she was leading a **billionaire** lifestyle here as well, yes with its restrictions, however the rich have it all here, the rich and powerfulm and she was that.

There's a reason why I mentioned Imran and Jemima's union, despite him being a glamour magnet and a famous playboy and she a billionaire Anglo-Jewish Heiress, they lead a very grounded middle class life in Pakistan. Despite larger than life fame, Imran Khan's not known for lavish living in Pakistan, at least in his post cricket years and thats when he got married.

I think they they were marriaed in 1995 and divorced in 2004, so she did spent considerable time living in Pakistan (even with short breaks in between).

[Deeba1234]

Re: why should we adjust?

I think they they were marriaed in 1995 and divorced in 2004, so she did spent considerable time living in Pakistan (even with short breaks in between).

Maybe this is what Nadz needs..

[Jolie]

Re: why should we adjust?

i dont know sara.i agree with what you said. I maybe thought life would be better here, in certain ways. I thought maybe halaat would be better by then. but hey its worse. so do i have no right to feel like this now. My husband kept saying to me even 3 years ago, dont worry halaat teek ho jayyenge,they havent. so whose fault is it. he wants to live with his parents. ok. he will never leave them he says. and im just as much a prioroty he says. hes not a bad husband, hes a good guy, but i feel like in a tug of war maybe id lose.

I mean 2 blasts last month alone in this city, and one few days ago......he says we will move back, soon, after his sisters wedding next yr, maybe soon after that but most likely 3 years time....to be honest if this wasnt a war zone, id be ok with it, considering hallat are bad, economy bad, no jobs, sub standard living, as in no bijli at tims, too hot, cant go out much, and then his parents just downright moody esp MIL, how am i meant to adjust....

You obviously have limitations and there's no point of me suggesting something as drastic as leaving your husband, fighting with your inlaws, running away or screaming from top of the roof.

How about seeking refuge in the teachings of religion? Study the lives full of hardship and the characters of Prophet Muhammad pbuh, Hazrat Fatima (ra), Hazrat Aisha (ra), all the noble companions ra. Trust me they do inspire you!

If nothing just read Angelina Jolie's message on war torn zones, sub standard living, poverty, hardship etc etc.

You know you can get rid of 80% of your miseries by developing a sense of humility and getting rid of that me me me mentality.

[Jolie]

Re: why should we adjust?

Maybe this is what Nadz needs..

Well she's been there for like what three/ four months?

If you need a holiday break after every few months, then I suggest you go see professional.

[Deeba1234]

Re: why should we adjust?

I thought OP had been there a lot longer than that.. No harm in having short breaks away from extended family imo.. Everyone needs a break now and again.. (I remember Jemima being back in London every few months as well)..

[Jolie]

Re: why should we adjust?

I thought OP had been there a lot longer than that.. No harm in having short breaks away from extended family imo.. Everyone needs a break now and again.. (I remember Jemima being back in London every few months as well)..

I believe she moved to Pakistan like in March/April time.

Well I think you are taking the Jemima Khan example quite literally. LOL

I do remember nadz123 somewhere mentioning financial limitations that stops her from hoping in and out of Britain whenever she feels like.

[canadiandesigirl]

Re: why should we adjust?

Actually she never mentioned financial difficulty. She said she could afford to go back and forth.

[sarab]

Re: why should we adjust?

why in life should we at certian times adjust to something we may call sub-standard....why should we live sub standardly ever, women are usually told to adjust. why. why dont we all deserve to live the way we want, a better life,why should anyone do guzaara...i want to live not just survive, which is wat i feel im doing here. and comments like `adjust karna hai ur a girl, u got married and the girl usually comes to her husbands house, if the husbands house is in pak, a decent house but still has all the issues pakistan has, should we adjust or ask for better.roof over head and enough to eat isnt good enough....

You have a daughter, when she gets married tell her not to 'adjust'. If you have a son make sure you tell him not to force his wife to 'adjust'............and the cycle is broken.

TBH though nadz you seem like a bit of a hypocrite to me, I'm sure you will expect your brothers wife to do everything your mom tells her to do.

[ZareenKhan]

Re: why should we adjust?

Learn to live with it unless you think a divorce is worth it! He's your husband and you knew what you were getting into so stop crying over it.

Harsh but true reality of life. That's why it is very important than when you decide to marry someone you weight the pros and cons at that time and not leave it for later.

[sarab]

Re: why should we adjust?

Actually she never mentioned financial difficulty. She said she could afford to go back and forth.

Yea well she's always saying how money is not an issue, but then moans about sleeping in a hall way and having to clean it herself.

[ll_xx_ll]

Re: why should we adjust?

**these things happen to women when they are economically weaker. women must improve themselves and then they will be able to dictate their terms to their hubbies and for that education is a must...higher education that is! this is a sad part of our society which is dominated by men...unreasonable men!

majboorii insaan se vo sab karvaatii hai jo vo az Khud razaakaaraanah taur pe kabhii na kare.**

I agree that women should make themselves strong economically, however that does not mean that they will not have to adjust even still....

men or women....everyone has to adjust... woh insaan hi kya jis k mizaaj mein flexibility nahin... whether its marriage or the work place or life circumstances in general everyone and i mean everyone has to adjust to something or another and one point or another in their lives ....you either say alhamdulillah and have the flexibility in ur character to adjust or you will break...there is no ifs ands or buts about it

willingness to adjust shows weakness..........we all know women aren't weak or fragile.........so don't adjust if you are a real woman..........if you adjust....you support negative stereotype....and contributing towards oppression of women..

its time to stand up for your rights....

i disagree with you....and at the same time i agree

everyone should stand up for their rights (men and women) but adjusting is not a sign of weakness....on the contrary it is a sign of great strength and stamina

the only thing you should not adjust to is physical abuse baaqi you should have the strength in character to be able to adjust to anything (that is called being grateful to Allah under any circumstances)

For the single--best solution is to not marry someone who has a different lifestyle than you or comes from a different country etc. Now I know people here will call it being materialistic or whatever, but it's one of the factors of compatibility...coming from a similar background/lifestyle.

Otherwise I don't get one thing, why did you agree to marry him since this was one of the things that was decided on before marriage?

its one thing for circumstances to change, but when something is agreed upon before marriage...why bother agreeing when you're going to whine and complain later

^agree

===============================================
...I wish that we women would stop making ourselves victims, and instead show the flexibility, stamina, and strength in character to graciously accept whatever circumstance we are in ...unless we are TRULY being oppressed in which case we show the spine to stand up for ourselves....

but the problem arises when we (1) think everything is oppression and want to fight everything and/or (2) think that there is something wrong with being flexible or that it is somehow a sign of weakness that will lead to (further) oppression

not everything is oppression , some things are the facts of life and has nothing to do with someone trying to treat you like a doormat
there is nothing wrong with being flexible and it is not a sign of weakness - far from it...it is actually a sign of strength and a gracious attitude towards the blessings Allah has bestowed upon us which we fail to see because we are to busy whining about the so called oppression we are subjected to when that 'oppression' might just be a fact of life ... it would behoove us to stop thinking that the world is out to get us.... our life partners and their families have nothing against us...they have no reason to be unnecessarily evil...they may do things we dont like just like our own brothers and sisters and parents might but that does not mean they are deliberately trying to dominate us (paranoid schizophrenia anyone?)

plz if we all went into our new lives with the attitude that our in laws are gonna lock us in the kitchen and set fire to us....we'll make life hell for ourselves...why not be grateful for the blessings Allah has bestowed on us and try to learn to live with the differences in personalities of each other and make life happier and easier for everyone (including ourselves).

and nadz plz dont think this is a personal attack on you...it isnt...im just trying to make anyone who is having a rough time at the in laws see it a little differently...

i dont deny that there can be some real issues but at the same time i see mountains being made out of mole hills way too often-it would be wonderful if we tried to move away from doing that

[Wane]

Re: why should we adjust?

willingness to adjust shows weakness..........we all know women aren't weak or fragile.........so don't adjust if you are a real woman..........if you adjust....you support negative stereotype....and contributing towards oppression of women..

its time to stand up for your rights....

this!

[el_topo]

Re: why should we adjust?

Nadz, you're having difficulties undergoing change. You may as well admit that to yourself and figure out what to do about it. Turning it into a female empowerment question is not going to help you. Sometimes, regardless of gender, we all have to adjust, if for no other reason than for our mental health.

Your mother-in-law. You have two options. She may indeed be a miserable human, and nothing you do will ever please her. If that is the case then focus on your life, your husband, and your children.
Or, tell yourself that respect and sometimes even love needs to be earned. Give her a reason to respect you.

There is a third way too, continue as you are.

[mirage]

Re: why should we adjust?

but that place has been a war zone for sometime now.....nothing new. the power outages are nothing new the economy being bad is nothing new sub standard living with no entertainment is nothing new temperature is nothing new all inlaws can be moody at times....nothing special or new

perhaps you knew all this and agreed......perhaps you have found that you have limitations. have you tried admitting this to your husband and letting him know that you are on the verge of a breakdown? have you shared your heartfelt dissatisfaction with him and asked for his help?

maybe its the clash between theoretical and practical life. things seem nicer from a distance. its easier said than done, but no one can deny shocks come in fold of marriage. Nadz there isnt anything bad in improving your life but everything comes after how do you value your husband. If he says you people will go back and you believe he does what he says things should be easier for you because there is a hope. Whining and sulking is not a solution. either change your situation OR learn to live with it, this is not adjustment, a rule of life for your own convenience. You have a kid alright and I dont think your kid deserves to be broughtup in an atmosphere where there are everyday clashes of opinions and perspectives. I feel you need to be practical and see what you can do to make things easier for you if you can.

[Orpheus]

Re: why should we adjust?

Stop using the term ‘we’ and start using ‘i’. Your life sux, we get it. ** playing violin * *

[Lusi]

Re: why should we adjust?

I thought OP had been there a lot longer than that.. No harm in having short breaks away from extended family imo.. Everyone needs a break now and again.. (I remember Jemima being back in London every few months as well)..

it costs money, she could afford it.

[rosetta]

Re: why should we adjust?

hmmm i mean im amazed at how much complains u have .........all the desi girls whether born in uk,usa or pakistan have to go thru an adjustment phase n almost every girl has to face some resistance n dislike from in-law its inevitable.....i came from pakistan n had a lot of difficulty in settling in usa ,i couldnt think of a life without kaamwali,relatives and busy social life there was lots of crying n a lot of criticism from in laws....(though they dont live with me) n i longed to go to pakistan to get out of this azaab life .......eventually i improved n everything got better....i compromised with the lifestyle n now u should see how my in lawsd treat mne ...literally like royalty......theek hai u r pregnant ,u have morning sickness but u can still take a little bit care of ur husband just to please ur MIL ,no pregnant woman can ever die from making a cup of tea
u urself said that ur husband is like a mother to ur child n takes care of her all the time coz u r pregnant n from ur posts its obvious that mil also takes care of her so y dont u make tea or warm food for him? it only takes a min ...true he can also do it in a min but sweety accept the reality u have to live with ur inlaws for time being so y dont live a good life by compromising a little bit
i really hope u r not one of those bahus who sleep till afternoon n rest of the day they spend on internet n fone n then wonder y the inlaws are such moody ppl n y they dont talk to me

[Xtron]

Re: why should we adjust?

I feel empathy for you nadz. I would like to first pray for easing of your difficulties. Secondly, this is the lesson for men and women alike to try marry with someone who live in the west. Secondly, Financial situation, lifestyle, and where you going to live is settled well before marriage. It is called "planning". I am someone's son too and love my parents to death but there is a time in man's life where he has to balance his relationship between his parents and how HE wants to live life. In your story, i don't see any compromise by your husband. It seems he always wanted to live in Pakistan and you didn't. This is the root cause of the problem. How you and your husband is going to deal with this up to you guys. But if he had stayed in UK, he would have gotten some decent job and his career would have been somewhere. That is what i think. A man has to see well being of his family and his parents too. Anyway, i wish you all the best in finding solutions of your problems.

[NomiCA]

Re: why should we adjust?

Secondly, Financial situation, lifestyle, and where you going to live is settled well before marriage. It is called "planning". I am someone's son too and love my parents to death but there is a time in man's life where he has to balance his relationship between his parents and how HE wants to live life. In your story, i don't see any compromise by your husband. It seems he always wanted to live in Pakistan and you didn't. This is the root cause of the problem.

It was decided before...as she said it herself....and she did agreed to it...

[hanibal]

Re: why should we adjust?

^^ She agreed at that time with the thinking that she will be able to later convince her husband to stay and not to go to Pakistan.. but that didn't happened and now she is making sure that the stay in Pakistan should become worst nightmare for her husband and he runs back to her parents, hence all this complaining...