Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Most issues are recycled again and again - here’s another one.

If a guy marries a girl of his own choosing against his parents’ and especially his mother’s wishes, why do DILs expect or think that the MIL will warm to them later and start liking them?

In a Utopian world, I would love or at least care for all those people who loved my loved ones - but we don’t live in Utopia. So then why do we expect that there will develop an automatic or over time liking for the DIL? Isn’t it the MIL’s right to NOT like her DIL where she was imposed on the family without any consideration to the family’s feelings?

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

As long as the girl is decent the MIL has no right to dislike her.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

for the sake of insaniyat....mil should love her dil...insaniyat bhi koi cheez hay

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

LMAO! This is so not a issue people are gonna be logical on.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

My husband and I married out of choice, and you could say that I was somewhat imposed on his family. During our very long engagement ( 3 years) my Mother In law made no attempt to warm up to me, but was very cordial regardless. But after the wedding, and over the course of 4 years now, she has come to appreciate me as part of their family, and now relies on me for many things. From this personal experiance, I say that no, a Mother in Law is under no obligation to like or get along with any Daughter in law, but if everyone keeps an open mind and has some patience, life doesn't have to be a constant battle.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

I'm looking for the logical responses and less so the emotional ones. From a practical perspective, neither I, nor anyone else likes every person we come into contact with - that's human nature. So then why the compulsion to like the DIL?

@ Hareem - decency is a relative - and it's less a matter of doing the right thing and more an emotional reaction.
@ falafel - insaaniyat also demands that the son not displease his mother - if he didn't care about his mom - does she still owe her DIL some consideration?

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

The MIL can force herself to like the DIL and if she can't then she can try hiding her disliking or jealousy or whatever.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

liking and disliking are natural feelings and are not dependent on the fact that someone has "right" or "no-right".

True liking and disliking are always developed over time when you get to know about the person more. Instant liking or disliking shown in above mentioned situation is just ego and nothing else. Most of the time tt vanishes just as it appears.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

^And it can be between anyone, it doesn't have to be between MIL and DIL. As to why the MIL should force herself to like her DILor try to hide her dislike for her, coz the DIL is a part of her family now and she's her son's choice, same goes for the DIL.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

darn right.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

sehrysh, is choosing a girl of own choice equates with displeasing your mother then the Mom should have mentioned this rule to her son... the moment he entered into adolescence that he cant choose his wife...if she didnt then bear with the dil of not her choice:D

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

off course can be b/w any 2 Individuals. Now trick is that how much two individuals are willing to work together in broader interest (in this case family, son, husband)

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

This experience may best describe the reality. I guess what surprises me is the expectation that a MIL must automatically like or approve of the DIL and when she doesn't, then you see threads popping up about how much the MIL hates the DIL and is making their lives a nightmare and that's so unfair.

So long as there's no naive expectation by the couple that they will be playing happy extended families from day one, I think maybe peaceful and respectful co-existence is possible later on.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

In a lot of cases the families have told their children the parameters of finding their own mate, yet the kids make their decision about their life-partner regardless of family opposition. And in those same cases the girlfriend or boyfriend knows that the other family will object to them - but there's this belief that love will conquer all, including family resistance.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

It all goes back to respect. I agree with you that the MIL has every right to "not like" the DIL. The DIL has every right not to "like" the MIL. But the MIL and the DIL don't have to like each other in order to treat each other with respect. A lot of the threads on GS.....the issue is not that the MIL doesn't like the DIL....the core issue is that the MIL is disrespectful/rude towards the DIL and does not show the DIL respect as her son's wife/mother of the grandchildren.

If the DIL is being disrespectful/rude to the MIL, then the MIL can/should talk to her son about it. But otherwise, regardless of her persnonal feelings towards the DIL, the MIL should always respect the DIL and make her feel welcome in the family. If nothing else, the MIL should do this out of love for her own son and love for the grandchildren.

My SO's parents are perfect examples of this. SO's older brother married a girl that was approved by his parents. Girl's background/her family background...everything was "perfect". They've been married 5 years and have a 3 year old son. From what my SO tells me, the DIL on multiple occassions have been "snappy" towards the MIL. Whenever the SON/DIL visit, the DIL doesn't make any effort to spend time with the MIL. SO tells me how his mom feels hurt by the DIL's behavior. BUT the mom/dad has never mentioned anything to the older son or the DIL b/c to them, its not a big enough deal to cause tension/potential rift in the family. They know that the son is happy with his wife and they love their grandson.

I was not my SO's parents choice. We're both desi but our "groups" are different. SO's parents still have "concerns" about us. Yet despite that, they have invited me into their home on 3 different occassions (all weekend trips b/c they live in a different state) and have made me feel 100% welcome every single time. SO's mom treats me like I'm her own daughter. Last time we went shopping and she insisted on buying me a purse I liked. When SO went to visit his parents without me, his mom sent a salwar kameez for me. She's not doing all this b/c she thinks I'm the greatest girl for her son.....she(and the dad) does all this b/c they know that I make SO happy and they don't want to see him upset/stressed.

Mothers and wives need to always stop thinking about themselves.....they need to consider the feelings of the man they both love (ie. the son/husband) and the feelings of the children involved in the situation. They don't have to like each other in order to be courteous/respectful towards one another.

** MIL's also need to stop judging the DIL and get to know her before forming a solid opinion of her. My SO's parents chose/approved his older brother wife and yet after the marriage, now they're not fond of her b/c of the way she treats them. I'm 100% SO's choice and not someone they would ever pick on their own....yet I would NEVER do some of the things the other DIL has done to her MIL. I'm thankful that SO's parents are open to getting to know me and are giving me that chance to "prove" myself.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

Totally agree, well said.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

Karma.

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

In my future inlaws extended family a shaadi just happened where the MIL hates the new DIL. And before the marriage, the MIL stated it clearly to her son that his wife will not enter/ eat in her ( the MIL's) home. She also refused to take the barat on the shaadi day.

Now as bad as it sounds there is peace in that house because the MIL and DIL don't make a big deal out of the fact they hate each other, the son stops by everyday to say salaam but lives separately from his parents.

So ya the MIL and DIL just need to have respect to keep drama out of the family, just like Paheli said!

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

and why should DIL like or approve or respect her MIL??? DIL is not a robot and has the rights to hate her MIL and if she can suppress it for the sake of her husband what is it with MIL ?

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Re: Why should MIL like or approve of her DIL?

^ Playing Devil's Advocate here, in the circumstance I'm describing, the difference is the DIL chose to be in a relationship and marry the guy knowing the family's objections, the MIL did not choose the relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not promoting a negative and confrontational relationship between a MIL and DIL - I just wonder why the DILs assume that acceptance for them should be immediate and that the MIL should love them to pieces right away.