Why should any guy be interested in a desi muslim girl ..

Lifestyle Relationships
1

..when all of you just go and marry your
cousin or the first stranger your parents choose for you on the spot anyways ?!

Honestly and then you girls somehow think this is totally ok!? Even if you were in a serious ‘relationship’ with the guy…

Nope I don’t have anything like this going on with me lol

Its just a topic a friend and I kinda
accidently stumbled upon!? and she was curious to know why too!?

It is however very common practise… even the most fiercely independent desi girls ( who you’d never expect to give in like this ) I’ve known have all done this…

I don’t wanna hear the old respecting your parent’s wishes BS!

I’m just curious how you girls can justify this in the first place ? and then complain there are no decent guys out there!?

2

It aint easy :(

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There are plenty of single girls out there who aren't willing or ready to marry someone their parents choose. Don't you read the threads in the Health and Relationships Forum? :p Who says we all think this is o.k. Some do while others don't.

4

It’s the whole desi culture thing again. Desies look up to their parents for decisions ...whether its education, marriage or any other significant thing parents play a big role. I am not sure if it is the over protectiveness or less confidence in children…parents try to guide their kids to such an extent that kids lose their individuality and decision making skills.
If moms and pops want beta to be an engineer then that is what he is gonna be. If moms want that fair and lovely girl then thaz the girl for marriage. If dad wants that rich guy for his daughter then that’s what its gonna be. You get the drift. In general, most desies in their twenties and younger have no clue or personality of their own...and the funny thing is they don't even know it.

5

or it's the desi culture thing for parents to tell girls/guys they will be disowned/kill their parents if they don't marry whomever the parents wish...desi guilt trips are horrid..and rough especially for girls who aren't really raised to live on their own/be independent and fed stories of girls running off with guys and then being abandoned.

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Fayz- In general, most desis in their twenties and younger have no clue or personality of their own...and the funny thing is they don't even know it.

Hmm I'd have to say this is true of almost all people everywhere regardless of age, race,
religion etc

Just about everyone blindly does what popular culture dictates. For desis going out is a cool western thing to do... but then they'll still go and marry whomever the parents choose right on the spot.

When I was living in Pakistan man guys & girls both were flirting and wasting time and money on each other.which is ok. But it was for the most part a blind mimicry of the western way of courting. With no intention at least for the most part on the girls side to do more then feed their egos. Some how the guys thought it was great just to chase em around like a bunch of idiots. Even though they were being so obviously used & abused by these girls.

amelie - the desi culture thing for parents to tell girls/guys they will be disowned/kill their parents if they don't marry whomever the parents wish.

Actually I know of 2 situations where this was indeed a factor. In both cases the girl came

from families that enforced a strict 'purda' basically they literally were not allowed to
socialize at all (or with anyone guy or girl) had to wear the full burka with only their eyes showing no matter where they went even with close family and lived a life of fear where they were not allowed to talk to anyone.

Luckily and thank God both girls did manage to find a guy on their own ...obviously secretly and they eloped and left Pakistan.

A high price to pay for love I suppose but I know both girls well enough to know that being rid of their family was a far better option then living the life of a slave with no voice or freedom.

But I started this topic referring mainly to the more average 'educated' and open minded people ... are you saying even amongst them.living even in the US or Uk for 30 years plus the parents are still like that?

I’ve seen the kids growing up here are even more screwed up!? On top of all the desi dumbness they got all these warped western ideas added upon this too... and they never pick up the good qualities of either culture.

I mean there's no excuse for a girl to allow herself to be controlled like that here? She
could get a job and make her own life. She doesn’t need a guy to come save her.

A friend was telling me of a girl who moved to the US her family still being back home.studied here got a very high paying job and yet still for some reason allowed her self to be controlled by relatives here and married off to whomever the parents 'suggested'. Even when away from all family was mentally and emotionally trapped in that I dunno what you wanna even call it. She was always unavailable to be around her friends and just altogether wierd.so after a while nobody wanted to hang out with her anyways
So basically you girls allow yourselves to be brought as dependent spineless slaves?
Why?

As far as guys who do this. Well that’s another topic in itself. If you're a guy who can’t make your own decisions and live your own life that's just pathetic. How are you ever gonna be able to be the head of a family and husband and father to anyone?

Then I guess if you’re the girl with this particular type of guy and you want to be the boss then such a situation would be ideal. Who doesn’t want a spineless mamas boy to kick around and kiss your ass for the rest of you life?

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In some cases, the girl is just smarter than others. Sometimes the guy who she's in love with is a bum, who really isn't going to take her very far in life. Love is short-term, but everything else that makes a marriage, respect, honesty, the ability to think of his/her spouse before him/herself ... all come on a silver platter, when your parents set it up for you. They know better, trust me.

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^^^ Offcourse parents know better , but it doesnt mean that they can force their decisions on the kids.

As disscussed earlier , most parents from subcontinent try to force decision on the kids, starting from the very beginig.
e.g forcing them to Speak english, forcing them to be engineer , doctors or join army/airforce ,

and then most importantly telling them at the age of 30 that theya re still kids and dont knwo whats right for them so get married according to their wishes

but it dosent end there, forcing them to have kids fast (simple stating " we only had one wish in our life to see face of our grand kids before we die") and so it goes on and on and on.

Now i am not saying that every parents do that but over 85% do.

So what the bottom line:

1) We spend our whole life following other peoples dreams.

2) we rust our skills in the jobs we dont want to do.

3) we are asahmed to talk in urdu or should i say not able to talk in proper english.

4) if by any chance we get in to non-mainstream professions its like a black mark on the family. (e.g. son of colonel working at shop! ohhoohoho!)

5) When we become FOB's it takes us really long time to adjust because we have to work non main stream jobs to live.

6) and we do get home sick alot.

But I will not given all the blame to parents here, its the society/ cultural in which they have been brought up.

As I always say, In the end its your life, and doing some thign with your own free will doesn't nessesaryly means that you are dis-respecting your parents.

P.S. i know my englic is bad but who cares if natives don't complaint about it:)

9

just bcos u let ure parents chose doesnt mean u dont have a character

besides in islam its sposed to be wholly and totally up to you, if ure parents like them you might as well check the person out, after all, do u really believe ure parents want to trap u in an unhappy marriage??

10

I realize this thread isn't about love, but you know, all love is, is an overrated concept, developed by our ancestors as a way to sell bad poetry and cheesy screenplays. It doesn't exist. What DOES exist, is all this other stuff that create a marriage, or any healthy relationship. Parents consider all the other stuff that we're too blind and often too immature to think of. We want the rot we see on Bollywood movies and old Hollywood movies, having someone profess their affection and undying devotion on top of the Empire State Building (except most of us really just settle with the mall, not being in NYC) - having someone fight the world (or just a friend or two - or even gasp a relative) and stand up for you, and.. all that other stuff. But you forget, most of these guys watch the same movies we do, and it's not so difficult to mimic what we've seen over and over again for so many years, and been taught to believe was a good thing.

Now, since most women aren't strong enough to resist some of this bogus and even the most skeptical of us still have a weak spot, a part that wants to believe in the existence of fairy godmothers and prince charming, we still find ourselves weak in the knees for a guy at at least one point during the course of our lives, usually one that's not got much of a future ahead of them, since a lot of us don't exactly ask for a detailed curriculum vitae or a bank statement when we're being courted (it's just not romantic, is it?).

Our PARENTS, would never urge us in the wrong direction intentionally. kewlsolara mentioned that some parents try to force decisions on their kids, forcing them to speak English, forcing them to be an engineer/doctor/army/air force. How many truly successful people don't speak English these days? English is IMPORTANT, even kids in third world countries are urged to learn how to speak English. And to force their kids into a field like the ones you mentioned, that's pretty darn good as well, isn't it though? Parents are just that, people who are meant to watch over their offspring, guiding/nurturing them, whatever. Doesn't that mean it's their JOB to nudge us (or "force us") to the right direction?

Would you rather be given the power to decide everything for yourselves? I've seen that right given prematurely to a lot of children (or, in some cases - not quite prematurely, such as in the case of people in their 30s) and not too many of them have ended up half as successful as the ones who had their parents constantly checking up on them.

It's sad that some of these women then end up having to break hearts, but it was always just a matter of time, in most cases. At least this way they still have the memory of something good, and the "parting" wasn't the fault of either one of the directly-involved parties.

Hey, if you still can't accept that your parents' decision is always the better one, think of it this way - at least you'll have someone else to blame if anything goes wrong. :p

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Well this thread is not about doing what your parents tell you or not. Also its not about breaking up cause the guy turns out to be a loser ..that's a totally different topic.

It's about girls knowingly misleading guys (even if they are idiots who deserve it) into thinking they have a future with them.

I'm sorry but if you have no intention of marrying the guy or in the end it does not matter cause you will do everything your parents want you to..even if it means marrying who they want and dumping him.. then that is totally wrong for you to do that to someone!

You should never have involved yourself with the person in the first place! Even if it wasn't planned and over time these feelings may have developed between the two of you ..You still have to let them know

right then and there ..Look! it's simply not gonna/cannot happen.

I lost all respect for my friends who did this to guys who really cared about them and were totally sincere.

There is simply no justification Islamically, culturally or whatever. It seems like it's all about finding any excuse to not have to take any responsibilty for your own lives for most of you.

In the end you will answer for your own decisions and actions and not those of your parents.

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All I'm saying is, these parents, who these girls finally decide to put first before their boyfriends, or whatever, really do know better, so it makes a lot of sense that they do listen.

As for girls knowingly misleaidng guys into thinking they have a future with them, you're right, there's really nothing that can justify that, but you know, that's not limited to desis, Muslims or girls. I've seen it happen with Polish, Chinese, Jews, Greek Orthodox, you name it - and hey - seriously, a lot of guys do the same thing, and they seem to always get off pretty easy.

So - based on that - why should any guy be interested in a desi Muslim girl any more than any girl should be in a desi Muslim guy, or a Chinese Jewish one? The whole point is to approach your potential boyfriend/girlfriend in a less hormonally-charged way (or even - not at all), and accept the fact that if you're willing to take chances and involve yourself with someone who wasn't your parents' choice, because of that very detail which really isn't as trivial as we'd like to make it appear, it probably isn't gonna happen, and if it does, it has less chances of working than if it were their call.

Yes, I too would lose respect for anyone who would delude another person, and go on doing it with full awareness of its consequences (or even with just the awareness that they're playing with another human being's feelings or mind the more valuable asset of the two) - but really thats not subjective to the delusions brought on by either one of the two people involved in a relationship, I'm talking about ANYONE.

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Waqas, to answer your question about why any guy should be interested in a desi muslim girl…

Firstly, out of curiosity, any particular reason why specifically “desi muslim” and not any other type?

Secondly, I think you should best be approaching this issue from a panoramic perspective, not limited to just desi muslims because after all, desi muslim girls are like girls from any other culture/religion in terms of their feelings so why bother differentiating from the point of view of this discussion?

Thirdly, from my own experiences, desi muslim girls are not any less or more special than girls of other cultures/religions however in our defense I will add this much…desi muslim girls, on the whole, tend to have moral and ethical superiority. This is my observation; you can choose to agree or disagree.

Lastly, the issue of boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other aside, whether you fall in love with someone (yes, I DO believe in love) and marry that person or have the person introduced to you by your parents/relatives/friends, etc. and then fall in love with the person (or not) is never forseeable. However, unlike what someone said earlier, I think either way you are responsible for the relationship, NOT your parents. After all, when you’re married, you are an adult and assume adult responsibilites so then why not also the responsibility of marriage instead of passing on the buck and blame to parents if God forbid things go bad? Our parents do the best they can to raise us with good values and morals, and if we choose not to heed them as adults, that is our burden to bear, not our parents whatsoever.

:flower1:

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by waqas72: *
It's about girls knowingly misleading guys (even if they are idiots who deserve it) into thinking they have a future with them.

I'm sorry but if you have no intention of marrying the guy or in the end it does not matter cause you will do everything your parents want you to..even if it means marrying who they want and dumping him.. then that is totally wrong for you to do that to someone!

You should never have involved yourself with the person in the first place! Even if it wasn't planned and over time these feelings may have developed between the two of you ..You still have to let them know

right then and there ..Look! it's simply not gonna/cannot happen.

[/QUOTE]

Waqas, I really hope you realise that guys also do this to girls. I've seen it happen to quite a few girls. So don't assume that it's always the girl being a bitch when guys are well capable of behaving like pathetic cowards too.

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Xara: *
just bcos u let ure parents chose doesnt mean u dont have a character

besides in islam its sposed to be wholly and totally up to you, if ure parents like them you might as well check the person out, after all, do u really believe ure parents want to trap u in an unhappy marriage??
[/QUOTE]

i totally agree with u babe. parents always know wats best for their kids... and i dont think any parent forces their child to do anything. mairay khiyal say hardly ab aisay parents hotay hain jo kids ko FORCE karain to do something. i knew my what my parents' standards and expectations were when it came to finding a guy for me. lekin i dint find the "right guy" who my parents would approve of, so i went with someone the whole family liked... and i like him too. and they did not force me to say "yes", yea ok there was SOME pressure lekin it wasnt like kay they were gonna kill me if i said no to him.

so all u out there who feel that ur parents rule ur lives, stop feeling sorry for urself and go out and do something that will make you and your parents happy at the same time. :)
its not that difficult.

16

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by zulaykha: *

As for girls knowingly misleaidng guys into thinking they have a future with them, you're right, there's really nothing that can justify that, but you know, that's not limited to desis, Muslims or girls.

[/QUOTE]

umm and wat about those stubborn men who have been reminded from day one kay there will not be a future together due to certain differences lekin STILL wanna move forward with the relationship coz he "loves" you so damn much. and then when its time to end the relationship due to other circumstances, the girl is the bitch and traitor and all sorts of other nasty stuff. i mean wat the hizzy is that all about?

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girls only eh?? u think alot of muslim/desi guys stand up for the girl they love against their parents?? well u dont even have to look far...just check couple of posts in this forum..

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Reemzy: *
umm and wat about those stubborn men who have been reminded from day one kay there will not be a future together due to certain differences lekin STILL wanna move forward with the relationship coz he "loves" you so damn much. and then when its time to end the relationship due to other circumstances, the girl is the bitch and traitor and all sorts of other nasty stuff. i mean wat the hizzy is that all about?
[/QUOTE]

Yeah - but then in that case she isn't "misleading" him is she, if she's told him straight out that she doesn't think it's ever going to work, it's the guy's own stupid mistake to prioritize his own appetencies for "love" (or whatever else drives a dude to say such nonsense) and he's a total sissy for blaming her and playing the role of victim when it all falls to pieces.

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by zulaykha: *

and he's a total sissy for blaming her and playing the role of victim when it all falls to pieces.
[/QUOTE]

thank you :)

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*sweetpie- any particular reason why specifically "desi Muslim" and not any other type? *

Well this was not meant to be a post about saying 'oh look how bad our girls are'
That was not my point.

I saw no need to compare other cultures with our own. Again that was not the point of this
post

*desi Muslim girls, on the whole, tend to have moral and ethical superiority. *

Totally agree.

The key word being TEND to.

Though not sleeping around, drinking or whatever..A lot of times just not openly I really don't see how Muslim kids guys or girls are any better.Of course these are examples of the extremes but I'd have to say having no respect for others feelings and using them to feed your egos is just much worse.

Perhaps Muslims are just even more hypocritical cause then they all tend to turn around and use
Islam to prove how everyone else is a kaffir except for them regardless of what they do
whilst playing the naik little bachay around their parents.

But again this was not the point of my post either.

This topic just came outta nowhere while talking to a friend.. But the more I think about it
the more I realize there is something that bothers me... a lot!

1-

I'm just so disgusted with our entire BS 'culture' and all it's hypocrisies!
Most especially in regards to all the double standard and ridiculous restrictions placed on women (And those you mostly allow yourselves to be restricted by), and the two faced and backbiting nature of almost everyone all again being done in the name of Islam.

Honestly what others do does not bother me if it does not affect me..but when you're single and looking and finally meeting people and come across all this!? Very big turn off.

2-

I have friends who were indeed very cruel in misleading guys and others who just did not have
the guts to stand up for their rights..and its really sad to see.

I see what they have done and now that I am meeting Muslim girls (finally lol!) as friends and
others who are single and looking too. This concern about whether I can trust them with my heart or not is always waay in the back of my mind.

Though no one has ever strung me along like this...it's mainly cause I was smart enough not
allow myself to be. It's just so wrong!

I've had girls who have 'serious relationships' and even some who are engaged approach me!? and ones who are so obviously just looking for some fun before they fulfill their parent’s wishes. I mean they're not gonna say that but you can tell by how they talk that there is not a chance in hell they are gonna have the guts to find and marry whom they want though they may delude themselves and you into thinking they will. so why do they even bother !? I have no idea!?

After a while you kinda know right away that something's not right...or perhaps you just get so
used to being disappointed its all you expect.

Anyhows bad enough that it is hard to find someone sincere.. but then it is impossible to even
hang out with any Muslim girls as friends even once you manage to find out where they have been
hiding!? lol

At the same time I'm getting asked out by non-Muslim girls and can befriend them without any
problems or restrictions.

You know and you're wrong there are a lot of really nice non-muslim
girls out there and they seem to value a decent guy for all the right reasons waay more then
our own spoiled little brats.

Sometimes I ask myself why the hell am I turning these girls down?

I do hang out with the non-muslim girls I know sometimes cause its either that or damn myself
to having almost no worthwhile friends at all..

Yeah and its true most guys are *******s in this whole misleading and betrayal thing too. Their
attention span is pretty much zero doesn’t matter to them when you're not around or look away
even for a sec they will go to the next girl that catches their eye without hesitation.
And for most... their priority is that you be hot! Having dutifully lived a life of segregation I'm sure just being female would suffice for most of them lol

Given this I would suggest you girls who are sincere and looking for the same to maybe not

make things more harder for a worthwhile guy then they already are. In the end you girls can just sit at home and look pretty and eventually some guy of your parents liking will come knocking at your door ..just a matter of time. But us guys really gotta fight for it..for every girl there must be hundreds of guys looking.

And quite frankly most of you are just far more trouble then you're worth!

I have absolutely no sympathy for you guys & girls living outside of muslim countries complaining about not having the freedom to live your life your way and make your own choices.

To sum everything up sincerity, integrity and loyalty are such a rare thing to find..
and until I do being single is pretty alright :)