Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
I am curious to know what people think of 'ghar damaad' or a girl's parents living with her in her husbands home when shes married. why is it so common in our society for a woman to leave her parents at marriage but not expected the same for a guy?
Not long ago even in Europe and America women were classified as Chattel or personal property, so assumption was that property moved with the owner, with women rights movements women are acquiring equal rights, we have not had such movements in Pakistan and as such women will be in many instances considered as personal property, It is a blessing to be able to take care of another human being, I will happily take care of my inlaws as long as they are kind and loving.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
im sure it happens, but it's not the norm
if this would have been the norm, then you would be questioning the opposite i.e. Why boys leave their house and why girls stay with their parents? so it is either this or that. as long as people are happy with the set-up who cares.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
this is what i dont understand, really makes no sense. im guessing this is why people want sons more than daughters in Asia. not just pakistan but in india, china aswell.
I guess so. It's an extremely patriarchal society. What can a woman do but conform
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
^ Aray bhaee thats just because they are bound by oh so patriarchal societal expectations na. Otherwise most girls wish for their husbands to move in with them in her parents house.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
I am not saying that men shoudn't be the breadwinners or protectors, and i do believe it's a mans responsibility to provide for his wife and kids. but it just seems that a man leaving his parents home is considered abandonment by many folks. many desi parents assume the son should continue to live with them even when he gets married, but the same is not considered for a daughter.you might think differently but unfortunately, its still widespread in desi culture.
i feel like this is the reason sons are valued more than daughters.
There's your problem! As long as women depend on men to provide for them, they will always have to make more compromises and sacrifices. You think it's a man's responsibility to provide for the wife and kids then why shouldn't a man think it's a woman's responsibility to make his home your home?
You can't have your cake and eat it too. Since you believe it's his responsibility to provide then he can and will only do so much...
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
There's your problem! As long as women depend on men to provide for them, they will always have to make more compromises and sacrifices. You think it's a man's responsibility to provide for the wife and kids then why shouldn't a man think it's a woman's responsibility to make his home your home?
His home shouldn't have to be his parents home. a mans responsibility to provide doesn't mean she needs to depend on him. but husband to laze around while wife is making ends meet isn't fair either. But i do agree with your point, when women are dependent on men, thats when most probelms arise. but unfortunately, even when women have their careers and make their own money, they are still dependent on a man. not just financially but just for the sake of having a husband.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
His home shouldn't have to be his parents home. a mans responsibility to provide doesn't mean she needs to depend on him. but husband to laze around while wife is making ends meet isn't fair either. But i do agree with your point, when women are dependent on men, thats when most probelms arise. but unfortunately, even when women have their careers and make their own money, they are still dependent on a man. not just financially but just for the sake of having a husband.
That's his call since he is the breadwinner. You will have a say if you contribute equally to the household or more. When women have careers and are self-sufficient then compromises are done out of love not necessity. There is a difference. When a career woman sacrifices her freedom and shares her home with his family then the husband also respects her because he knows she doesn't need him to provide food and shelter for her. He also realizes that this is a sacrifice she doesn't have to make but she does so out of love and respect for her husband and his family.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
That's his call since he is the breadwinner. You will have a say if you contribute equally to the household or more. When women have careers and are self-sufficient then compromises are done out of love not necessity. There is a difference. When a career woman sacrifices her freedom and shares her home with his family then the husband also respects her because he knows she doesn't need him to provide food and shelter for her. He also realizes that this is a sacrifice she doesn't have to make but she does so out of love and respect for her husband and his family.
I get your point. but even if a girl has a job, it's still usually the girl that's expected to leave her parents home after marriage. im just surprised at how many women just deal with it and consider susraal their home, even career oriented girls.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
^ Aray bhaee thats just because they are bound by oh so patriarchal societal expectations na. Otherwise most girls wish for their husbands to move in with them in her parents house.
Would we?
Most of us aren't still tied to the umbilical cord..
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
if this would have been the norm, then you would be questioning the opposite i.e. Why boys leave their house and why girls stay with their parents? so it is either this or that. as long as people are happy with the set-up who cares.
if anyone is happy in that setup, great. im just trying to understand the reasoning behind it. not saying every girl should live with her parents and guys should move out. just curious to know what people here think if 'rukhsati' was for a guy not for a girl.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
the reason why i brought it up is because i have seen most people want to have a son rather than daughter(india, pakistan, and other asian countries) so that they have someone who will take care of them. this thinking might not be so much in our generation but people from our parents generation like to depend on their sons, not daughters. im just trying to figure out why cant daughters also take care of parents. why its considered abandonment when a son lives his parents when he gets married but not the same when daughter leaves her parents for marriage.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
I get your point. but even if a girl has a job, it's still usually the girl that's expected to leave her parents home after marriage. im just surprised at how many women just deal with it and consider susraal their home, even career oriented girls.
Ah yes, that is a problem. The cultural bounds have hardened and our people have not accepted that expectations have changed over time, especially for women. It is is unfortunate but this change will take time. The reason is the generation before ours still expects the sons to take care of the old parents even if their daughters are able to do just that. I have no brothers and my parents raised us like boys yet never expected us to take care of them when they got old. My husband is the only son and his parents raised him thinking he would take care of them in their old age. The problem lies in our thought process- our women think their men must provide for them, our men think women must make his home her home, and our parents think their sons only should be responsible of their old age. You see why I hate gender roles!
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
It's also because in the west they focus on retirement plans and nest eggs and stuff. They mostly don't help their kids with college tuition or buying a home etc. If they live at home beyond the reasonable age (18-21 or 23 maybe) then they are expected to be paying rent (in most cases). None of that happens in the desi community. I don't think any desi parents charge their kids rent to live in their childhood home. In the west they have social security and things like that. The mindset is different. In our society even if the parents are self sufficient and comfortable they would still prefer their kids to live at home (or atleast really closeby) so that they can be a big part of their lives even in old age. There's no "failure to launch" scenarios in desis.
So when they sacrifice all their lives for the betterment of their kids they do expect something in return. Atleast their (kid's) time. I don't think that's a lot to ask. But yes the sons and daughters thing is odd. I don't know how u work around that. Especially when u have all daughters. Then it seems like they are not supposed to expect time or money, which is unfair.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
It's also because in the west they focus on retirement plans and nest eggs and stuff. They mostly don't help their kids with college tuition or buying a home etc. If they live at home beyond the reasonable age (18-21 or 23 maybe) then they are expected to be paying rent (in most cases). None of that happens in the desi community. I don't think any desi parents charge their kids rent to live in their childhood home. In the west they have social security and things like that. The mindset is different. In our society even if the parents are self sufficient and comfortable they would still prefer their kids to live at home (or atleast really closeby) so that they can be a big part of their lives even in old age. There's no "failure to launch" scenarios in desis.
So when they sacrifice all their lives for the betterment of their kids they do expect something in return. Atleast their (kid's) time. I don't think that's a lot to ask. But yes the sons and daughters thing is odd. I don't know how u work around that. Especially when u have all daughters. Then it seems like they are not supposed to expect time or money, which is unfair.
It is extremely unfair. Some people have no idea how it could ruin lives!
Why don't parents expect help or time from the female children as well? My parents gave us the best education, they too sacrificed their lives for ours and waited until we settled well in life only to be left alone because they don't have a son to take care of them. I resent the fact that my father died working hard. His work became his life because he knew he didn't have a son and he couldn't ask his daughters for help. I hate this hypocrisy in the name of culture.
Bcos in Asian countries it's abt of holding fast to old cultural beliefs. This isn't just isolated to South Asians...Chinese have a huggeeee preference to boys over girls. Now moreso than ever before since they have a one child policy (i thonk they're lifting it...not sure)...in fact, i'd venture to say that the situation of girls leaving the home and being viewed as 'lesser' is more rampant in China than the other South asian countries. Anyhow, in ancient times, men were the breadwinners/workers/supporters. Obvs now women work and support themselves and their families as well...but in India, China and Pakistan...these views are very very slowly trickling into society. Many people still view girls as bronze, whereas boys are gold. We haven't experienced the sudden boom in thought/technology that the Western countries had (WW's played a big role). There was a time in the US where working women were frowned upon as well...and it may not have been as bad as it is in Asia...but there was still a preference for male children.
Anyhow, so all this relates to why the woman leaves her house. She held no 'value' - no money earning potential, once she has kids...she would be more inclined to take care of their needs..she can't be of any use to her elderly parents. Whereas the son can work his whole life and provide for a bunch of people. Again, this is slowly but surely changing...women work and earn outside of the house and for the most part, educated people don't hold this 'boys are better' view anymore...but yeah.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
It's also because in the west they focus on retirement plans and nest eggs and stuff. They mostly don't help their kids with college tuition or buying a home etc. If they live at home beyond the reasonable age (18-21 or 23 maybe) then they are expected to be paying rent (in most cases). None of that happens in the desi community. I don't think any desi parents charge their kids rent to live in their childhood home. In the west they have social security and things like that. The mindset is different. In our society even if the parents are self sufficient and comfortable they would still prefer their kids to live at home (or atleast really closeby) so that they can be a big part of their lives even in old age. There's no "failure to launch" scenarios in desis.
So when they sacrifice all their lives for the betterment of their kids they do expect something in return. Atleast their (kid's) time. I don't think that's a lot to ask. But yes the sons and daughters thing is odd. I don't know how u work around that. Especially when u have all daughters. Then it seems like they are not supposed to expect time or money, which is unfair.
To be fair, even most non-desi parents who can actually *do *help pay for their kids' college tuition. There are tax-savvy college savings plans available too in several developed countries precisely for that purpose. Many college students work part time too but that is part and parcel of your transition into adulthood, and some work experience on your resume is better than none when applying for an internship or a job especially if you have a liberal arts major. Moreover, while it's normal to move into you own place after graduating and getting a full time job, non-desi parents don't really start charging rent from their kids should their adult kids find themselves back in their childhood homes. True, some parents would expect their adult kids to contribute toward paying for some of the household expenses or at least pay for their own expenses like cell phone plans etc. but then so too would desi parents; even in joint family systems, after all, more often than not you're expected to chip in and help pay for the household bills etc..
What I'm trying to convey here is that just like desi parents, other parents too love their kids and make sacrifices for the betterment of their kids as well. It's just that there is a lot more prosperity in the West so thanks to social security and Medicare etc., parents often don't have to depend a lot on their kids in their old age.
I do completely agree with you main point though that what's good for the goose is good for the gander too. So if sons are expected to look after their parents in old age, it's only fair to expect the same of daughters too.
Re: why should a girl leave her parents home but guys shouldn't?
I am curious to know what people think of 'ghar damaad' or a girl's parents living with her in her husbands home when shes married. why is it so common in our society for a woman to leave her parents at marriage but not expected the same for a guy?
Do you think theres a possibility that, notwithstanding the societal/cultural dogmas, women might be abhorred by the idea of husbands moving in with them in their parents house?
